Sorry in advance for the length but the background is a HUGE part of this. So, I married my husband 3 years ago. His 1st wife was tragically killed in a car accident along with a middle child about 12 years ago. He had been single, dated some, until we met. He has a daughter who is college age(not biologically his, it was his 1st wifes daughter) and a bio son who was a baby at the time of the accident. I can't imagine what he must have gone through. He rarely speaks of any of it or the middle child who died. I think it's just too painful. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't want to talk so I just let it go. So, for about 3 years, his daughter, who was probably 11 at the time took over the role of mom. It became increasingly difficult for her & him because he was trying to work and they were having to rely on a lot of help from friends and neighbors. His mother(widowed), who lived in another state, moved here to help him with this kids approximately 4 years or so after the accident from what I gather. I really don't know all the details because no one wants to talk about it. So, his mother took over being 'mom' and he allowed it. He let her make 99% of all decisions, did all the running around, everything that a mom does. That became her job. His mother bought a home in our town. His teenage daughter also maintained her role as 'mom' too. So fast forward, we dated for 2 years, never lived together. I was a single mom, and my son was 12 at the time. We dated for about 2 years. We decided to get married. Looking back, I feel that he did love me but his teenage daughter was finishing her senior year of high school and then going off to college soon and he needed someone to take on the responsibility for his son. His mother lives in a retirement community so she cannot have children living with her. I don't think my husband wanted his son to 'live' with his mom so he needed someone to do the cooking, laundry, homework, making sure he got on the bus, home when he gets off the bus, etc. I didn't realize it at the time. I thought he married me to be his son's stepmom which meant doing everything that a mom does. I was very happy to take on that role and wholeheartedly was looking forward to it. Fast forward. We were married for about 2 months and all of a sudden, no one likes the decisions I make about school, who goes where, etc etc(especially his mother and his kids). My husband tells me to handle things as I normally would with my son. So I do but no one is happy. I tried to speak with my husband and he sticks his head in the sand which basically hangs me out to dry. His mother doesn't like that I 'took' her job away. It was fight & fight & fight. I started going to counseling because there were SO many problems. He went some but then decided that he was always the bad guy and didn't want to go anymore. It was up to him to handle his mother, step up & support me but he never did. I have basically given up. He allows his mother to make plans for his son and when I want to do something he expects me to 'work' around her! She and I don't speak because she doesn't like the decisions I've tried to make for her grandson and she doesn't think I do enough for him. I asked her if she would go to counseling with me to get everything out in the open and resolved...she refused. I have to admit, I've given up on trying to be a nurturing stepparent. I just waved the white flag and 'go with the flow' which is what my husband told me told with regards to his mother. I have tried to explain to my husband that I am NOT going to co-parent with his mother and if that's what he expected, then why in the world did he marry me. I can't be asked to do all the crap work and give up everything else. If I try to discuss with him, it ends up in a big fight and he gets VERY defensive and says 'Oh, so it's all MY fault'. And it is his fault because he never stood up for me or our family, he just stuck his head in the sand hoping that all the issues would go away. So, that gets us nowhere. I admit I am wrong to just give up on my stepson because it's not his fault. He is caught in the crossfire and he doesn't deserve me to give up on him. I still do all the laundry and cooking but the love and nurturing is almost gone from my heart.I know he feels it. I am still going to counseling by myself. It does help some but I feel like I fight a losing battle. And of course, his mother relishes the fact that she has the upper has with her grandson. And because there has been so much turmoil I find myself angry a lot. So today is Mothers Day and I'm here because I'm hurt and angry and confused. So here's my today issue. Last night, I told my stepson that he and I and my son were going to the movies. He said 'No, Thank you'. I said, 'You don't want to go to the movies?' He said' No'. I asked him why, he didn't have an answer. I said 'Well, I guess you can stay home then because your grandmother(she takes him to church every sunday, difference in religion and it was like that before I came into the picture and then makes plans for the whole day) is bringing you home after church. So, I look at his text messages(he is only 12) and I see a message to his grandmother that says 'Can I go to your house after church?' I questioned him and he said he asked her before he knew we were going to the movies. Seems odd to me that he would ask that because he usually spends most of the day with her. I'm just going to let it go. My husband feels stuck in the middle and makes me aware of that fact often. He put himself in that position but not standing up for our family or setting boundaries. He expects me to communicate with his mother about plans for my stepson because that will take him out of the middle and alleviate HIS responsibility as a parent. He is away from home many hours and doesn't want to have to be the 'bad guy making the decision on either side'. So, I'm supposed to call his mother and say 'Do you have plans for Thomas today?' and then I get the leftover time??? I have all the responsibility but none of the power. Who would be happy with that? It's not my stepson I'm angry with, it's my husband for not standing up for me and leaving me to try and navigate this dysfunctional situation alone. He told me when it came to his mother, 'Just go with the flow'...meaning I'm just supposed to give up & give in. My husbands mother is extremely co-dependant. And I do understand how she must feel. She gave up her whole life to move to this state to help her son. I admire that. I have tried to email her and explain that we want her our lives but want her to be a grandmother, not a parent. I understand she gave up everything to move here, but I wasn't even in the picture at that time. Did she think that her son would never marry and have another family? Maybe not? And quite frankly, that's what I heard forever from my husband...she gave up her life to come here. Seems that I suffer the consequences of that decision. I am a very good mom, my bio son is a sweet, compassionate, loving person. He is an excellent athlete, good student and wonderful friend. Ifeel blessed that he is such a great kid. I wanted the opportunity with my stepson but I feel like it's been taken away. I would so appreciate any feedback, good or bad. Thank you so much for wading through all of venting. Happy Mothers Day!