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I don't think I can do this anymore. I think I might break.

sammmx's picture

Submitted by sammmx on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 12:06pm

This is not how I imagined my life. And no matter how much love I have for BF, it cannot overcome the depression and sadness this life causes me. And he just does not understand it.

SKids view me as nothing but their father's GF who cooks for them and drives them around. They don't respect me, they don't listen to me. They lived with us for 6 months and as I was unemployed at the time, I was the primary caregiver. At that time they would refer to me as their step-mother, were well-behaved young men and I enjoyed my role taking care of them. Then they moved back in with BM, and I'm back to "Dad's girlfriend" and being an outsider. It doesn't even feel like they're the same children anymore. It's like I have to start from scratch. BF doesn't understand what's different, to him they're the same. I told him I feel like I had children who died or something. I feel like that relationship we had is now gone, and it's not bound to be salvaged. Honestly, I don't think I have it in me to even try anymore. I put some much time, love, money and energy into it the first time, just to have it all taken right away from me. I don't think I could mentally or emotionally handle that again.

I just want to be a mother so bad, I have so much love to give. I have tried talking to BF about the possibility of us having a child together. He has a ton of excuses as to why we should not; "The last thing I need right now is a baby", "It's not the right time", "People don't plan to have babies, it just happens", "We haven't been together long enough to even consider that", "When did I ever give you the impression I wanted more kids?", etc etc etc. It breaks my heart, it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me or doesn't love me, or that he thinks I will be a bad parent. He had kids with these other women who treated him poorly, why are they any better or more suitable than me? The possibility of never being a real parent does not lead to me ever being happy enough in life. Having children is something I need to do to feel fulfilled in life. BF flip-flops between yes and no. But he refuses to talk seriously about it and it makes me feel like a huge NO. So I get set and say, fine, if we aren't ever going to have children, I need to leave and find a new relationship with someone who is on the same page as me. But then every once in a while he will toss in something to get my hopes up... talking about baby names, buying a van, turning the spare room into a nursery, etc. So then I reconsider, feeling there is a chance. But nothing ever comes of it. And I can't wait forever.

We got into an argument last night, and I told him I thought I needed to leave him because I wasn't happy and I will never be unless I have children. His response: "Then maybe you should leave. Go trick some other guy into having a child with you - someone who doesn't know what it's all about, if that's what you need to do." So I began to ignore him. He tried to 'apologize' by saying, "Stop being grumpy okay, I want to spend time with you." But I did not give in. I went to bed. I'm still angry today. I didn't say much to him all morning. And he didn't say much to me either. I'm about to head off to work, Skids are coming tomorrow. I just want to run away.

Comments

MotherTrucker's picture

Submitted by MotherTrucker on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 3:25pm

It sounds like he is just giving you a false hope so that you will not leave him. Time to make yourself happy and find yourself a nice man who is willing to have more kids. You don't want to have kids with someone who doesn't want any.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 12:38pm

This was my DH.... he had 2 skids with 2 BMs (neither skid was planned or wanted by DH and shame on him for being a 20 something freaking idiot!) He has lived 15 years of pure hell dealing with BM and skid bullshit and was pretty reluctant at first about us having a baby. I guess I kind of understood his reasoning in that like I had never had a child and desperately wanted one as I was aproaching 40, he had never been married. DH had always said that he was only going to get married once and was waiting for the perfect "someone" to come along, that he was not about to marry either BM, just because they thought they could force his hand with a baby, when he knew he didn't want to tbe with either of them.

When DH asked me to marry him, I said yes, but then did nothing to plan the wedding for almost a year, because I had already been married once before and after 10 years found out that my husband had been cheating on me... and for years.. right under my stupid, trusting nose. The wounds were still raw to me, even though it had been over 3 years since the divorce. DH would ask me sometimes if we were ever going to get married and I would blow him off, tell him I was just busy etc. Then one day a friend of mine asked me what the hell I was waiting for and I really didn't know, other than I was scared of being hurt again I guess. It was then that I decided that I couldn't keep putting off my life because of what MIGHT happen and I planned our intimate little wedding and the rest is history.

I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that it sounds like your DH was burned like my was (partly his OWN fault of course) and that he is just very gun shy about putting himself out there again. It does sound like he cares about you, and his wishy washyness makes me believe that he is just not ready. I guess it's up to you to decide how long you want to wait for him to give a solid yes or no answer.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 12:40pm

Sammmx...it's time to let this guy go. You want a child and he doesn't. He's not going to change his mind. And if you leave, he may even tell you he changed his mind to get you back.

You're unhappy and miserable now, if you stay with this guy and go by his rules, you'll become bitter and resentful.

I hope you can move out and move on to something much better than what you have now.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 1:00pm

Yeah....I saw that too. Had DH said something that horrible to me, he'd have to stick his finger up his nose to scratch his balls.

clydella's picture

Submitted by clydella on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 1:35pm

Does this relationship bring you joy or pain? Sounds like pain to me. You deserve someone who loves you and wants the same things in life as you, go find your joy. Make yourself happy, once you're truly happy, all the rest will fall in place.

Sending you hugs Sister, keep your head up!!

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 2:02pm

Sammmx, I have been following your blogs for a while now and I feel bad for you. You have tried so hard to bend for this man and all his does is bring you pain. It is clear that he still has unresolved feelings for his ex and until that is taken care of, you both can never move forward.

You are young, you will go through the heartbreak but then you will get over it and find someone better, someone who has the same hopes and dreams as you! Don't settle, it isn't worth it.

(((HUGS)))

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 2:18pm

I have to agree with the other replys. Your DH not only doesn't want children, he's now starting to be rude and dismissive about your need, and it is a need, to have a child of your own. No amount of love could overcome this fundamental difference in what you want out of life. Leave, don't look back and find the life you deserve.