I'm divorcing my grown-up step-children!
Recently I've been told that three of my five (grown-up) step-children got together to talk about me. They all feel I'm mean to them, pick on them, they hate me etc etc. They were astonished to learn, and can't believe, that the house my husband and I share, is in my name (I re-mortaged it when I moved in as my husband went through bankruptcy and didn't want to lose the family house). If it wasn't for me doing that, at least two of them would have been homeless.
I, quite literally, can't do wrong for doing right.(More in my bio). I'm not going to cry myself to sleep anymore. I'm chronically ill with two very serious diseases and one serious one. I've had to stop work because of my disabilities. I'm never visited by the kids when I go into hospital (3-4 times a year) even though of of the children works there. I've never gotten a birthday present from any of them. No-one has ever taken an interest in me or my family back in Europe. They only just found out I had siblings!
I'M DONE!! I am divorcing myself from my step-children. They can make arrangements to see their father, do things with him, invite him to their celebrations, ask him for help etc. but I'm out of those relationships! My husband has to work with two of them but he said is done with the family loyalty thing too. He says as soon as the youngest moves out, (she's been with us 'temporarily' for FOUR MONTHS!) it's us against the world, but we'll see. I'm so tired, mentally and physically from it all and fatigue is very bad for my ill health. I don't want another divorce but sometimes I think the best thing for my husband, so he doesn't have to chose between me and the kids, is to just chose for him. Never thought I'd end up in this situation, and be so sad in life.
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Has your DH ever sat down to
Has your DH ever sat down to have a talk with his children and point out where they are wrong in their thinking about you?
It probably wouldn't help things, but if he explained to them why they are wrong, then they'd have to be calling their father a liar as well.
My thinking is if the youngest was part of the "we hate her" crowd, then she gets 30 days to find a new place and move out...directive from her dad, not you.
Yes, my husband has talked to
Yes, my husband has talked to all of them and repeatedly points out everything I do and have done for them, but it falls on deaf ears. We have tried to kick them out (he's said it as well as me) and gave them 6 weeks at one stage but it's up this weekend and they have one excuse after another. I know it's going to come to a head at some stage but in my new 'status' I doubt seriously I will be involved.
Disengage.. especially once
Disengage.. especially once they are adults. You have no reason to go out of your way and chase after adults that don't want to treat you with kindness. Cordiality when you must path cross for your DH's sake.. but otherwise.. he can have them to himself.
I'd say that is another term
I'd say that is another term for disengaging--divorcing your adult step-kids. Not surprising, either, that despite literally putting a roof over their heads for years, they hate you, but given that society pretty much gives anyone an excuse to hate a SM for any reason, this is not surprising.
Go with this, "I'M DONE!! I am divorcing myself from my step-children. They can make arrangements to see their father, do things with him, invite him to their celebrations, ask him for help etc. but I'm out of those relationships!" Look at it as though your choice and your husband's choice are completely separate. You make your own decision and he can make his. AND, at the end of the day, whatever relationship they have is on them--dad and his children. Doesn't matter if it is a SK situation or not, whenever anyone is an adult, the type of relationship they have with each other is on them. You are your husband's wife, first and foremost. Put your energy into that.
Soooo sorry I can tell you
Soooo sorry I can tell you are deeply hurt. For good reason too.
How did you discover they all sat around gossiping about you. What did your husband say when HE was told what YOU discovered?
I would suspect he was not surprised.
My husband's employs Tom and
My husband's employs Tom and Amy, Amy's boyfriend. Amy told my husband during a break at work that she had been around to Emily's house with Tom one evening and they all 'agreed' that I was mean and picked at everything they all did needlessly. It carried on and on, and yes, my husband reminded her of all the things I'd done in the past for all of them, and that he didn't appreciate their little meeting. He was not happy nor surprised. I agree he's between a rock and a hard place, but he does sometimes say he wishes they'd all just go away and leave us alone. He's put up with this kind of behavior for far too long.
I feel sad for you. I am in
I feel sad for you. I am in the same situation. I love my DH and don't want to get a divorce but sometimes it is so hard fighting this battle all of the time. I too think everyone would be happier if we just divorced. His kids have done everything in their power to make that happen and they have even told him that they are so upset that he chose me (over them). It is so crazy. I always thought that maybe things would get better as they got older and matured. But it didn't. I had health issues a few months ago all because of the stress created by SS. I am trying my best not to think about them. It is kind of freeing knowing that I no longer have the responsibility of buying cards and gifts! I no longer have to remember their special dates. I no longer have to make sure that I do things evenly for his kids and my kids and his grandchildren and my grandchildren. I no longer have to remind DH of birthdays, anniversaries, etc. These tasks are now gone from my life.
I too have never gotten a birthday card or gift. Stay strong. My skids do not know any of my family either. Who cares. They don't deserve to know them!
My advice is carry on -
My advice is carry on - completely disengage - these people are adults and you don't have to have them in your house or anywhere near you - if you choose not to. Let DH make arrangements to see them, should he want to - without involving you - and at another location.
I wouldn't do anything hasty regarding your marriage. Put in place these measures and then see how the land lies. You may find things improve immeasurably once you go no contact with the vile adult SKIDs. I do hope so.
Thank you. I'm finding this
Thank you. I'm finding this forum very helpful and supportive. These kids think their smarter than me and that their 'daddy' will always chose them, but I believe they have a huge wake-up call coming. I'm not making any decisions regarding my marriage just yet, but I know I can survive on my own so I'm not scared about having to leave if I need to. The only thing that makes me sad now, is the thought of my husband being in the middle of all this, but isn't that how it's always going to be anyway?
BTW, I LOVE the last line of your signature, kinda how I feel sometimes!
IF your dh's ex wife would
IF your dh's ex wife would have insisted the kids show you kindness and grace thru the years I highly doubt you would be going thru such ugliness. Minimum bar pf social standards is what I am referring to.
Very poor parenting from bio mom. OR whom ever raised them opposite of your husband.
Welcome to step talk. It sure feels better when you realize it is NOT just you and that you are not alone.
What a huge eye opener when I first found this site. HUGE sigh of relief.
"Thank you. I'm finding this
"Thank you. I'm finding this forum very helpful and supportive. These kids think their smarter than me and that their 'daddy' will always chose them, but I believe they have a huge wake-up call coming. I'm not making any decisions regarding my marriage just yet, but I know I can survive on my own so I'm not scared about having to leave if I need to. The only thing that makes me sad now, is the thought of my husband being in the middle of all this, but isn't that how it's always going to be anyway?
BTW, I LOVE the last line of your signature, kinda how I feel sometimes! Smiling"
It comes as a big shock to the millenial snowflakes that they are not the centre of the world. In the end, I suspect your partner will chose you, as mine did. Yes, your husband is in the middle of this but tough titty - that's how it goes. He needs to set strong boundaries, as you are doing. Stay strong.
"It comes as a big shock to
"It comes as a big shock to the millenial snowflakes that they are not the centre of the world."
Gawd this is the truth.
Even when they are in their
Even when they are in their 40's!
Just had a huge anger moment
Just had a huge anger moment with ss26. He works with dh and they brought customer's furniture here after work to work on this weekend. Ss26 took it upon himself to grab a beer from fridge in garage and start conversation with db about our new paint colors in house, acting like he is all of a sudden allowed back in our house, which he is not. We're already stressed to max because sd23 still hasn't moved out, so place doesn't feel like our own, but him sauntering around like he belonged here just got to me and I snapped! I just lost it and SS stormed out after I told him to get out, slamming the door so hard that the house shook. Then he came back in told my husband I was an absolute bitch, among other things, and slammed the door again. Now the situation is, dh is having a really nothard time at work...can't get anyone else to work for him as no-one was to to work anymore... so he has no choice but to employ family. Trying to get sd to leave the house, and really not wanting to be in the company of SS either because he talks such crap about everything. And, he knows of course they all hate me, so the friction at work is palpable. I feel bad for him. I told him maybe I should leave for a while but he's right, the problem won't go away. SD can't afford to move (not our problem!) but she can't stay here, it's killing us. Both of us don't feel like this is our home anymore. She has thousands of friends on fb,why can't of them have the pleasure of her company? If she can't afford to move now, when will she ever be able to? I had chest pains after the blow up, life is just so damn hard right now.