Adam Lanza, the Newtown, CT shooter and his relationship with his dad (or lack thereof)
My friends and I were discussing this the other day.
It sounds like his mom did some pas, but we don't know. The dad hadn't seen him or spoken with him in a long tons. One of my friends said that it sounds like the mom had real issues and that's why the dad wasn't around.
What do you think? Do you think the mom did pas, and had issues, and that's why the dad wasn't present in Adam's life?
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Until the surviving family
Until the surviving family starts talking we will never know. If she did PAS, she certainly was punished for it and everyone else...So sad, regardless.
Personally I think everyone
Personally I think everyone dropped the ball on this one.
The father for not realizing there was something wrong enough to warrant severe intervention, and the mother for not realizing she was living with a disturbed young man and should not have had guns in the house with someone mentally ill what so ever.
I think the state dropped the ball by not checking to see if Adam Lanza's mom was living with someone mentally ill--since I think in NY the people you live with get background checks too and if someone is mentally ill you get denied or something (DH got his license a while ago and I got a background check for some reason.)
I think Adam himself must have had severe anger issues towards his mother as well to warrant killing her so to me, that says something about how Adam himself felt in part about his life with mom.
I won't speculate on PAS or an absent father because for all we know, they could have not split up and there would have been two dead parents to contend with, not just one. There are many disturbed people coming from intact families and many great ones coming from broken families that it is not pure cause and effect.
This, like every other case is unique in itself.
I understand that he hadn't
I understand that he hadn't "done" anything but that kid was WAY beyond just weird and difficult. I am not usually one to judge someone based on a picture, but there was absolutely nothing even resembling normal about that boy, and it showed. EVERYONE who knew him knew he was off. If his parents wanted him to even have half a chance at a normal - or at least independent - life they would have sent him away long ago for intensive treatment instead of waiting until he was an adult.
It is super scary to me that some people can be so blinded by their parental love that they can't see the forest for the trees.
I am oddly not really sure
I am oddly not really sure about that though... since even mentally disturbed kids don't up and shoot their mother because their mother is often the only one who provides them the love and security they crave.
I do know I have two friends (girls) who have overbearing mothers to the point of nearly psycho overbearing--they're pretty normal and well adjusted but they confided to me at separate times that they have had periods of intense rage and anger where they want to kill their mothers because they just hate them so much for treating them the way they did, micromanaging and criticizing everything. They don't do it obviously because they have the skills to know that it's wrong. I never wanted to kill mine so I can't relate but both have those kinds of helicopter mothers who are separated from their fathers.
One said she has woken up wanting to go to the kitchen and stab the woman in her sleep, the other had fantasies about when her mom dies she'll be free and has felt guilty for hoping that her mom will get into an accident. They're both horrified at this but they do love their mom's. Just the impulse is there due to the, what I think is emotional abuse from the overcontrolling.
If normal people can feel that way but control it, I don't think it's an impossible leap to think Adam's mother caused Adam to feel that way but unlike my friends, he acted on them because he doesn't have the mechanisms to stop himself due to his disabilities.
Many people have an opinion
Many people have an opinion based on what is known at this point in time. More or different information will likely come to light and opinions may change. As it stands today I believe the Mom was - at best - grossly negligent and almost willfully blind.
The boy was troubled for so long that it is almost painful to read about. What did she do about it? Therapy and counselling seem to have been tried. Fair enough. But that appears to be it.
If my son were exhibiting the types of behaviours this boy was broadcasting for years I cannot imagine not having taken much, much more drastic action.
Sports to start with. Competitive if he showed an interest and non-competitive if that suited him more. Physical exercise is a stress release in addition to the myriad of other benefits it has. Music, creativity, arts, acting, singing, dancing......whatever! If he really couldn't cope with people after having been exposes lovingly to many different activities than we would have concentrated solely on the beauty of our earth and our animals. The sanctity of life as it exists around us.
His confidence was obviously almost non existent. Start with small wins and build! Why did she go to his school (if true) and sit in the back of the classroom to monitor and ensure he wasn't bullied? Who the hell does that? What message did that send to her kid! What an idiot move!
The fascination with target practice and guns is beyond belief! So many guns! What kind of Mom pairs up seriously troubled kid with automatic weapons? A Nutbar, that's who! In my opinion, she is responsible for much of what happened here.
Who knows about the Dad? Not as much info is available but if I were betting I'd say he had been systematically pushed away from being part of the boys lives. This Mom seemed to be running the show completely. It may be that he is a jerk who simply dropped out because it was easier. Time will tell.
All those children dead. The little lives gone. In an instant. Incredibly sad.
My experience has been
My experience has been different than yours - I am quite athletic and I see many, many other women who actively involve their kids in sports and rec.
They often sit in the stands and watch or cheer but equally as often they are modelling competitiveness, full-out effort, sportsmanship and the benefits of putting your body into full-out mode and wringing with sweat after the first few minutes. It's good for the soul too!
I agree when you say it isn't as cut and dry as putting a kid into sports or other activities. I'm sure it is challenging beyond belief. You seem to be the kind of person who will rise to such a challenge. Good luck to you and your son.
It is extremely difficult if
It is extremely difficult if not impossible to "lock up" a person over 18 until they do some serious damage. And generally it requires damage to people not things.
I have a friend with a mentally disturbed (although brilliant) daughter. They have tried for almost 20 years to do something with her including spending literally hundreds of thousands of dollars on mental health institutional stays. But as an adult she can check herself out whenever she wants.
They have gone before judges, etc. several times. Their daughter graduated from a top school and got into a hard phd program so she can act right for a couple of months.
She is now in prison - that's the only place that has been able to keep her. She has not physically harmed people - yet.
There is an old Jesuit saying
There is an old Jesuit saying 'Give me the child until he is 7 and I will show you the man".
I think this is accurate. Children can adapt as young adults but mostly what you see as a young child you will see as an adult.
The work has to be done early.
I agree that we will never
I agree that we will never know the full story of what happened. One of my friends mentioned that she read somewhere that the mom had issues too, and sort of implied that maybe that was part of why Peter wasn't in Adam's life, and that maybe he walked away from the situation because of Nancy's issues (again, who knows if she really had issues or not). Maybe the dad is a real a$$hole. The whole reason we got talking about this stuff anyway is because of the gun law discussion America's been having.