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Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Fri, 04/19/2013 - 1:51pm

We found out my dh has lung cancer.

My dh asked me to call his youngst daughter 25) and tell her. This daughter has not spoken to him in over a year. She sent him an email last October saying she did not want anything to do with our family. I know it has a lot to do with me. She didn't want him to remarry after her mother passed away. After reading a lot of the post here, there is no doubt she was a mini wife. She has been very coddled her whole life. My dh always made excuses for her. He has 3 children 2 from his first marriage and the ysd.
I am to blame also because I felt such empathy for her that I let her get away with way too much. When I finally said no more. It was not pretty. My dh said no to her and she flipped.
Our life for the past year has been peaceful and family gathering with all 5 of the adult kids (his and mine) and grandkids are fun and no tension because she and her husband have refused to come.
I did call her today. I feel I did the right thing. I feel so guilty because I keep thinking oh no she is going to start coming around again.
And I don't really want her to. I know it is going to start..she will try and assert her authority. I just know it. When I told her; she said the last x ray he had was fine. She is the only sk who made that comment. I am probably rambling. I'll end for now.

Comments

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Fri, 04/19/2013 - 2:13pm

I am so sorry to hear of your DH's diagnosis. I will certainly keep you guys in my prayers.

Of course she is going to mention his last xray. Because she wants to remind you that she was privy to all of that information before YOU came along. She can live in denial, you did the right thing by calling her. At least she can't say no one ever told her.

Stay strong.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sat, 04/20/2013 - 7:07pm

Oh I am so sorry to hear,this. Just want to tell you too that, there is a lot they can do now re. Lung cancer and that my aunt lived with it for many years! So that is the good news.

I guess the bad news is that this SD may come back around. Sad

Hugs

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 8:36pm

So, DH has a doctor's appointment today. More test scheduled for next week. My oldest sd has been out of town, what does she do. Comes straight to our house from the airport to see her dad, has dinner with us and stays for awhile to talk with me. Thank God for her. She still has a 2 hour drive home.

Towanda's picture

Submitted by Towanda on Mon, 04/29/2013 - 7:06am

I am sorry you and your DH have to go through all this. Major cancer care and surgery in itself is more than an incredible stress . Then to top it off, you have to deal with a self centered , adult SD.

If you are like me, when the other children act in a caring, mature, helpful manner, it only points out the magnitude of disturbances the one SD has.

I too would dread having to interact with this one after a reprieve since October.

Good luck to you both. From my own personal experience, don't expect the outcast SD to come to her senses and turn into a caring young woman just because your DH has cancer. If anything, it brought out more vile behavior from our 2 adult SD's. Unbelievable.

So I guess that is my advise. Expect the worse, don't expect any remorse. They don't think like normal people. Be thankful for the rest of the children who are being supportive.

It is so tough! Hugs!

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Fri, 05/03/2013 - 9:26am

So ysd calls dh last night to see how he is feeling after his biopsy today. I left the room because I do not want to overhear their conversation. Dh told me ysd is 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. (this is the sd that has nor spoken to us for almost a year) When he told me I said congratulations. Dh got that hurt look in his eyes. I said what??(I have been practicing disengaging from her and her husband.) I answered this has nothing to do with me - she doesn't speak to me remember. I was thinking been there; done that when she got married. Did all the stuff a mom does because her mom died. And dh and ysd asked me to. I am not going there again.
I do not need the added stress. I know I am projecting but she will use dh's cancer and her having a baby to wheedle her way back in with dh.

@ Towanda - thank you so much. It was so nice having a reprieve. But,now I fear it will start all over.

Towanda's picture

Submitted by Towanda on Fri, 05/03/2013 - 5:16pm

Yea, we had that too. SD 32 dropped into his office out of the blue with an ultrasound pic of her baby. Thought he would forget how terrible she had really been and would embrace her and her baby on the way. She hadn't changed, still thought he should kiss her ass and leave me and that she was a perfect angel.
I am proud of him because he didn't take the bait. She never even said. Dad, how are you? what treatments are you taking? what can I do to help. It was all about her again.
So very , very tragic.
I feel like you now. Not going there again!

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 7:24pm

Thank you Towanda. Sounds like you have the same situation. How is your dh?
I know my sd is not going to change. I have every email, and hand written apology she has sent me. The last email was the best..sd wrote I am who I am and I am not going to change. The other day, my sil said to me don't take it personal; $$$$ (sd) would hate anyone my brother married.

Towanda's picture

Submitted by Towanda on Sat, 05/11/2013 - 7:20am

My DH is doing well. Cancer free for close to 3 years now but his two daughters are still hateful and one is divorcing and putting our Son in law through hell. Son in law has recently "crossed the forbidden line" and has been visiting with us and calls constantly. He has apologized for his wife's behavior. We may soon get to see our grandchildren again after being forbidden for 3 years to see them. When they sat down to tell the kids they were divorcing , the gskid's asked if that meant they could come see us again.

I have never seen my DH so beaten, depressed and listless as this divorce thing has made him. Basically because he has come face to face with how really sick his daughters are . It is coming from the mouth of another victim and slapping him hard in the face.

Your SIL is right. I was told the same thing by the counselor and minister. SD's would hate anyone their Daddy married.