I'm trying to abeit the ways I am hated by pee. It's not easy. He's now 17, he was 14, barely, when I met him and his sister, princess. I've slowly come to realize that I don't feel good about myself when I successfully disengage from his atroticious kids.
I don't desire a relationship with either of them. Nor do I desire to allow their bad character and behavior to have enough power over me to back me into a corner (disengagement).
My lovely husband and I are not on the best of terms tonight. I've been stewing about pee for some time now, and I've been waiting for him to ask me about it. Is he so honestly hurt by my reality of "Honey, no, I'm not feeling close and intimate to you right now, maybe tomorrow" that he has not once had the over riding urge to ask me how I am feeling about the ravages pee sprays across our lives? He hasn't, as evidenced by the fact that he has not asked. During our discussion tonight he attempted to propose that he doesn't check in with me because I let him know (i.e., bitch) about how I'm feeling in regard to pee.
He doesn't know the half of it and he is trying to not know any more than he already does. He can't tolerate hearing my day to day experience of living with a junior sociopath. Yes, pee is his son. I hope to God I am never in the position my husband is in when my loving and open sons are teens. I hope they do not lose those key characteristics. I hope they never experience life as a constant source of pain and disappointment the way I know pee does.
I live with a violent male teenager. He is verbally cruel and aggressive ("Fuck you!") whenever he doesn't get his way, when he views his father, and me through his father as standing in the way of his immediate gratification. He steals money from the house and pawns items from the house for more cash. My sons have finally accepted he will not speak to them; it is a social mystery to them, they've never encountered a person who just doesn't simply have a greeting to return to them or a response to conversation they attempt. They don't try that anymore.
My spouse does not believe he can stop my sons walking around the main floor and wondering what the foul smell from the basement is (pee smoking pot). I don't know of anyone who cannot ever keep a bottle of wine or champagne in the fridge because should pee ever see alcohol in the house, he absconds into his room with it straight away.
I am tired of new holes being punched through the sheetrock of the walls of the house I poured my soul into designing and building with my ex while I was pregnant with my oldest child. That was twelve years ago and I fought like hell to keep this house and my sons' stability intact while my ex was bent on eradicating everything familiar to them and me, everything stable my children had ever known, including me.
It is such a gross affront to me not so much that his children act out their pain and rage upon what my house is and what it represents to them, but rather that my spouse allows it.
It is not possible to feel safe, loving and open with him (my spouse) when for years now pee has abused everyone in this house on all levels, and he is rewarded by receiving every goddamn mutherfucking thing he wants. If his hand isn't stretched out to steal from us, it's aimed at my husband until my husband pulls out his wallet. To buy peace.
Makes me sick.
I remind myself life is a rose garden. It has its unbearable beauty and its immediate bloody pain when you get too close to happiness. It's all about perspective and human emotions are the single most powerful thing that interferes with perspective.
So, we're left with intuition? I don't know.
I know I'm in for a few more years of pee's fucked up behavior, pee's rage, and my spouse's effort to calm him like spreading frosting over a ruined cake.
Stand by your man because men are idiots? I don't know.