Guess what? Got some new headphones. Lady GaGa gets to scream into my brain and compared to what has happened over the past two day, she's a gentle harp(y).

Sunday night pee abused my husband again. I wish I could explain my husband. He has more tolerance and patience borne out of strength, compassion, insight and true wisdom than any human being I have ever met. He is a psychologist as am I, always worked in the corporate sector creating the instruments that measure individuals' characteristics, the instruments the clinical sector of the field uses as well as the corporate world and state funded organizations use to make hiring decisions based on discerning insight into hidden personality characteristics which would eventually define conduct and performance.

It took me two years of telling him he is a natural healer, a natural therapist before he dipped his toe into private practice. The man works miracles.

I write that because the man is no pansie, no pushover. I'm not into hero worship, but I cannot convey the amount of respect I have for this man. I care for him so deeply.

Seeing his kids beat him up and him absorb the pain they inflict upon him with the greater good in mind, their knowing they have impunity, which is his utter faith in them and his unwavering belief in their ability to rise above the cesspoool their mother suckled them with tears me apart. I am not nearly the human being he is. I want what he wants for them, happiness, goodness in their lives.

I feel I fall so short of it so much of the time.

There seems to be no balance. I think his ex wife is truly sick, I think she was attracted to his goodness. I think it drove her insane. I love his goodness, I want to protect him from all the people who hurt him, but I have not figured out how to do this without actually reinforcing to people like his kids that they are bad are things that others need to be protected from. I must figure this out or I will always swim in the lostness.

I seem to let more and more of myself out on this site, it is a frightening relief. There is no where else in the world these things can come out. I did take the advice of a member of this site that I like and respect, and I did tell him a few weeks ago about my activity on this site. I showed him the address and told him my member name. He read my blogs once through up to that point and I do not believe he has chosen to read anymore of them. They are public, I suggested to him he may not want to read them.

He calls my husband a bitch, most specifically my bitch. He tells my husband that he hates my husband's new fairytale family. pee has told me has no respect for me or my children, who are young. pee has said to me he enjoys the fact my children are frightened of him.

Beginning Sunday night, I struck at him. I used what pee sees as his strengths against him. pee sees himself as intelligent (he's also brilliant) and self-driven. I combined his view of himself as self-driven with how his sick mother is still driving all this for him and princess. I hit below the belt, I was cruel. Deliberately so, pointedly so. I told him to get the hell out. I know the legal system, and I instructed him on the first steps he would need to take to get himself into foster care and advised him of the steps I would be taking with my attorney beginning Monday. I told him that since his mother still has joint legal custody of him that he has the best chance of winning her over to agree to having him put into foster care. I know his mother is the most poisonous thing on the planet to him, and I purposely put her in front him as soomething he would have to deal with to escape life here. I was cruel.

My behavior made me sick Monday. I did get it together and take my kids out trick or treating with my sister and her kids. We had a marvelous time. When we got home, my anxiety shot through the roof again, and once again I was shaking so badly I could not hold anything in my hands. It was time to put the kids to bed, at soome point my husband appeared over my shoulder and said, "I think it's going to be ok."

Later, when there was time, he shared with me the talk that he and pee had. The talk lasted an hour and a half while my kids and I were out trick or treating. My husband shared with me what he had shared with his son about life in their family, he opened up to his son about why he stayed all those years, why he conducted himself as he did. My husband shared his truth with his son in a way that left pee feeling loved and respected, not pandered to, not catered to, but man to man.

My conduct toward pee is at a cross with how I need to be in this world. I was cruel, and I can't live with that. I apologized to pee for the way I conveyed my thoughts and feelings (I didn't say anything about the content). I apologized because I am 45 and he is 16 and no matter what I am the adult. pee and I had real eye contact. I still felt shaken and sad, but had hope for the first time in months.

Turns out I had session til later this evening and so did my husband. I had no daycare for my sons. My sister, who is office manager at my clinic, was able to care for them. My sons and I got hoome before my husband, by only a few minutes.

I have kept the house dry of alcohol. Sunday was a combined birthday party for my sons and pee. pee had chosen not to be there. For the first time, there was alcohol around, left over from the party (lots of adults at the party, party went all day into the evening). pee drank quite a bit of alcohol tonight. Was visibly affected when he came up from the basement all freshly showered with sweetly brushed teeth.

I had almost twenty four hours of hope. I understand problematic use of chemicals. The age of the user, the amount ingested, the type of chemical(s) don't matter as much as the individual's immediate understanding of chemicals as a release from pain, tension, anxiety. When a teenager experiences that, guess what, all motivation to develop intermal mechanisms for coping with unpleasant feelings that are part of maturing into a balanced adult goes away and they seek chemical relief. Teenagers are egocentric and about immediate gratification.

I was not angry with pee. I am frightened to death. My husband does not understand chemical dependency. He is trying to normalize this, categorize it with his own adolescent experiences. This is not that. pee was quite graceful upon realizing he was busted, and said he took the wine because he was stressed and wanted to have some fun. He said he didn't really see what a big deal it was. It was bedtime for my kids, not the time to talk. There was no anger until pee texted my husband asking my husband to go to his room to talk about something. My husband came back a minute later and said it was about arranging stuff for wrestly practice tomorrow.

I got really angry. I said to my husband that was most certainly was not what that was about, we are right across the hall. I said you are missing the boat and if I were a teenager who had the guts to ask to talk with a parent after being busted and my parent allowed surface interaction, my inernal response would have been 'fuck you.' My husband was angry with me. He went back into pee's room, and although neither of them realize it yet, pee showed him the one gateway through which he will be able to be reached, because pee is one of those special people who is not an experimenter, a partier, a stupid teenager. He's become retarded, which, guess what, is why is he likes to use that word about my kids and me. We're open, we're vulnerable, we're here dealing with shit (Except for when my health takes a vacation).

Pee needs a guide, pee is afraid of feeling anything at all, and I do not want that life for him.

My husband, so strong, is also afraid of feeling, they need to turn around and see one another. If they don't, none of this will work.