I think the skids have been successful in splitting us.

Yesterday was another of the monumental birthday parties my family like to throw. Only went on eight hours. pee never attends, princess did not come 'home' this weekend.

pee had had an extradinarily bad day at wrestling Saturday. I mean, bad. He lost his varsity spot (which he will easily win back this week in the next wrestle off). There were between ten and twelve teams at this tournament. It is unusual for two members of the same team to end up in a match, but that is what happened. Only one can be considered the 'scorer' for the team. Meaning if the other member of the team in the match wins, there are no points scored for the team. So that means that one team member needs to 'take one for the team,' throw the match for the team to advance. This affects their overall standing for the season, their ability to letter, etc. The other team member told pee that he (he being the other team member) was the scorer and that pee should let him win. pee is more than competitive, an excellent wrestler. His spot on varsity is well justified. pee was not informed that this match was considered a wrestle off. The other team member was junior varsity, pee let him win (and really, did let him win). It was only afterward that pee was informed by the coach that it had been a wrestle off and that it was considered a successful challenge for the varsity spot. It appears the other wrestler was aware of the fact it was considered a wrestle off for pee's varsity spot. pee was immediatedly demoted to jv, and the other kid to varsity. pee felt incredibly betrayed by his teammate and his coach and I see why.
Then, later in the day, in another of his matches, during a legal move in which pee was not considered for a moment by the ref to have done anything wrong, his opponent landed wrong and ended up in the hospital. pee had to stand in the ring for over 10 mn while athletic staff worked on the other kid and then watch as the other kid was taken away by ambulance on a backboard. It could not have been a worse day for him, and despite that, he placed in the tournament. The other kid will be ok, which both pee's dad and I were concerned about for a variety of obvious reasons.

That was Saturday. Sunday was the bday party. A long day, my 6 year old was very tired and having a fit when we got home.

I never, ever leave my purse in my kitchen when I come home anymore. I always hide it in my room now, have since I understood a few months ago that in the search for smokes or whatever, my purse is fair game. For the first time in months I left it on the kitchen counter to deal with my son. When I came back down awhile later half my cigarettes were gone. I was so mad and frustrated, in no small part due to my son's tantrum and just being tired from a long day. I accused pee of taking them in the privacy of our room to my husband, not to pee. My husband volunteered to confront pee, but I was too angry and resigned. My attitude was, what's the use, what good will it do? This is just going to continue and I do not want it right now.

This morning I was equally crabby. My husband had to take pee to a dr appt while I got my sons off to school and then went into the clinic to see my nine hours of clients. I sent my husband a text venting about his kids this morning, don't they ever consider anyone but themselves, I can't take this anymore, I am becoming more and more depressed no matter how hard I fight it.

He texted back that he had asked pee about taking the cigarettes, that pee had denied it and included details about pee's response which indicated to him that pee was telling the truth.

At this point, I don't care, I'd gladly supply pee with smokes for the rest of his life if I could get back what I lost.

I texted back, "Ok, whatever." I have such pressing issues at the clinic, running a business is so hard, it's like being a mom. You are always the one left holding the buck. Always. There is no one to go to when you own a business, and people have this stupid and mistaken idea that all you do is feed off others and that you're rolling in it. Anyway - an entirely different rant. But I have very heavy and pressing issues because of the psychiatrist on staff, and I am faced with legal confrontations with what was a dear friend and one of the best doctors in the twin cities, one of my own staff. I was feeling very dejected, hopeless that life would ever be happy again.

Throughout the day my husband's wrath was something I could feel growing even though his office is in our second suite,some feet away from the main suite where my office is; well away from mine. He later texted that he had always beleived that his ability to discern things was a god-given gift but that there was no room in our relationship for that, and that he had come to doubt what is a fundamental part of his identity. He surrerendered his judgment to mine, made a decision within himself to ignore his own ascertation of a situation and abdicate that to my assessment of it. This is the equivalent of a killing another person's spirit. His sick ex wife could not wear that down in him in nearly thirty years and I did in less than three. I texted back that I had decided earlier in the day that I was entirely done with tattling on his kids, being suspicious of them. If they steal cigaretes, money, whatever, I am not going to say another word.

Too late. When I got home at almost 10:00 he told me that there is no room for him to have an independent thought, that my sense of knowing, my being right supercedes his ability to give benefit of the doubt and that essentially, whatever I say goes. I said that will not work, I have decided I will say nothing about them anymore to him. He had texted, sarcastically, 'long live my big balls' meaning that he was surrendering them to me. I did not realize that in some ways he is a fragile, or sensitive as he is. Perhaps I have become too used to how my ex husband treated me. If you didn't fight with everything you had, he would argue you to the floor and then stomp on your heart. Have I done that? I don't know how to see our relationship right now, I just have one piece of knowledge I have learned from this entire fiasco: don't ever talk about anyone else's kids.

But it is too late. We are apart. He said, 'All we can do is live.' Meaning, according to him, he has no independent thought and his kids and I know this and live with this. Meaning, I killed their dad on a fundamental level of his being. And now the three of them can unite around this, the same as they did when he was married to his first wife, although I do not believe he ever made statments like that to her or had this experience with her. I'm so special, so motherfucking special and loveable. This is what happens when you step in and try to change any of the dynamics of a family that existed long before you were ever on the scene. I am now truly the wicked stepmother because the light has gone out of his eyes.

I refused this. We are at odds. I apologized, I said I never meant to make him doubt himself. But it is done. He is not a man who throws fits, says things out of turn. This was well considered. I have lost him, and he has lost me. I could have lived with having no direct voice with him because there are other places for me to have this voice. But he, nor anyone, can live with a hijacked mind. Nor would I ever consent to possess hijacked property.

Either he and I completely failed, or the skids were successful beyond belief. The spirit of our marriage is dead.

We have its shell. There is no place in my house where I can go and feel sheltered and safe. No goodnight, no 'sweet dreams,' no intimacy. Nothing but inability to muster one word to each other. I guess we're headed for the 72% of second marriages.