My Moral Dilemma

I'm starting this out saying one thing: I am a devout Christian. That doesn't make me better than anyone, it means that I admit I've messed up more often than not in my life and need forgiveness. So please don't hold the mistakes of others against me and tell me how "bad" it is that I am Christian.
I was raised "kind of sort of" Christian, but in a very commercialized way (Lots of big presents at Christmas, a big basket of candy and new clothes at Easter... That kind of stuff). DH is agnostic but open to attending church with me and wants to grow in his faith (He has a few emotional hoops to jump through first ). His family is the same "kind of sort of" Christian I grew up as... the kind that are Christian one day of the week. GBM and BM are atheist but still make a "big deal" about holidays.
I'm trying to raise BD1 to understand the true meaning and reasons behind the Holidays. Her Easter picture is of DH, her, and I standing by a cross full of flowers. I didn't make her a big Easter basket full of candy or buy her a "new" dress (I got a pretty one at a local thrift store that the proceeds go toward the local rescue mission though). She didn't even hear about the Easter Bunny.
We went to visit SD2 before church and she had a huge basket (this thing had to weigh more than BD...) full of stuff. Book, toys, DVDs, Candy, Cookies... I found it overwhelming, especially since I know that GBM and BM are struggling to pay their bills. SD had a brand new dress from the mall and new hair accessories on top of it. It made me feel a bit like I was depriving BD of a little bit of the excitement of the holiday. Cue Mommy-guilt setting in.
Our church service was wonderful and BD enjoyed herself at nursery with the other kids. She had big smiles after the service, so I felt a little better.
Then we went for dinner at DH's BM's family. The second we walked in his BM was handing me basket after basket and bag after bag of candy and toys for the kids AND DH and me. There were four baskets total and a shopping bag full of candy. Then they had an egg hunt, which BD1 enjoyed. I felt awkward during it and finally just asked DH to do it with BD and went back inside. I felt it was distracting from the reason for the celebration.
I don't want to deprive BD of "normal" kid stuff or make her feel like she wasn't important enough to get a big basket of candy, but part of me feels that these things go against the whole reason for the holiday celebration. Opinions?

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I think.... 1. You're trying

I think....

1. You're trying too hard. Quiet faith, not judgement of others

2. Celebrating with your husband's ex is ridiculous

1. Could you please elaborate

1. Could you please elaborate on what you mean?
2. Situation is temporary and we visit every Sunday with SD (not just this one). DH is having a hard time understanding when I say I think it's time we start taking SD2 for our visits rather than visiting at GBM's house. Trust me, having to see BM every week is not my idea of a good time!

I think you are very right on

I think you are very right on wanting to make sure she does not grow up to be an entitled brat. Very good thinking on your part as a Mom. I do have to chime in here and say to get the #2 issue listed above changed asap. You and your daughter should not be subjected to BM and her preferences. Whatever the situation is that has led your DH to only get to visit her there I hope for your sake, it gets resolved soon. That is an absolute nightmare and I am sorry it is that way for all of you.

There are a couple ways you

There are a couple ways you could go about it. I am also Christian, however, we do celebrate the holidays with a bit of the fun extras (not crazy overboard). I explained to my son that the reason we celebrate is Jesus and we give each other gifts to celebrate his love and glory. I also did the Easter Bunny and Santa traditions with a twist. I told my son the truth about Santa but that parents do it for their kids to make them feel special and the same with the Easter Bunny; they are just fun, extra traditions for little children. We always keep the real reasons for the seasons at the central focus and don't lose sight of it, however childhood can be so fleeting I thought (for myself, I'm not saying you'd have to do any of this) as long as we keep our faith and Jesus at the center, the little extras are just that--little extras. That said, however you observe is completely your choice. Your relatives that are going overboard with your child probably have the best intentions. You could either just let them, knowing the motivations behind it are just kindness, or you could take them aside and ask them to respect the way you observe the holiday and ask them instead to scale it down a bit and give a nice card or one piece of candy, etc. Of course it's all up to you!!

Thank you TweetyPie. I'm a

Thank you TweetyPie. I'm a young mom and I desperately want my daughter to not grow up to be a selfish, entitled brat (which I was as a teenager and DH's Sister seems to be permanently stuck at.) so I am trying to find the "happy medium" between over the top, commercialized, "Hallmark" celebrations and meaningful celebrations. We do Santa at Christmas because of an inside joke that DH's Uncle (BD1's "Papa") is secretly Santa (He looks the part!). At the same time I asked the family to please not go overboard with presents and to get us "necessities" (clothes, simple toys like blocks and dolls, and household stuff). I apparently didn't send out the memo to DH's BM this time I'd be fine with a small Easter basket and the Easter egg hunt, but felt overwhelmed by the materialism of it all.

What exactly do I do with an entire shopping bag full of candy??? Lol :? It's not even a small normal sized one, this thing is huge!!

The DH's BM is the grandma,

The DH's BM is the grandma, right? Just to make sure I'm getting it right. If that's the case, she might be trying to score "grandma points" by trying to upstage you and be a favorite of your child's. My mom undermines my parenting all the time and it drives me nuts. She always has to go one step above and beyond something I do, making some grander and more sweeping gesture, because she just loves to try to win my son's favor (she also love to be a martyr, as if she's the only thoughtful person in existence). If it's an ex, it could also be a competition of sorts, trying to one-up you. You know how people can be. I say, do what's right for you, and I agree, a happy medium is always better than extremes either way. Good luck!

Yes. Most would refer to this

Yes. Most would refer to this woman as my MIL but she neglected DH and lost custody of him when he was just 6 months old. She didn't really get back into his life until his late teens when he started getting an inheritance check every year. She would have him buy her a car or help her pay her bills with his check then suggest they go out to dinner. This stopped when DH and I got together and I realized that she was charging him rent to sleep on her couch (she had a room and bed he could have slept in but it was reserved for SIL's boyfriend at the time even though he never used it), but not paying the rent on her house at all. DH's SM is my MIL in my mind.
I found out today from DH's Grandma that DH's BM purposefully tried to do stuff that would bug me during the dinner. DH's Grandma understands why I'm trying to raise BD the way I am and suggested to his BM that she get/ took her to buy a Children's book of Psalms, a small basket with fruit in it, and a stuffed bunny that said a cute little prayer when you squeezed the carrot (This would have been perfect. I'm officially going to her for gift ideas from now on). His BM said she had to run to the store for something shortly before the dinner started and apparently returned the stuff DH's Grandma had had her buy and got the stuff she gave me yesterday. She laughed when she brought it in and said something about teaching me to mess with her. What a sad person.

Wow, ugghhh, I feel for you.

Wow, ugghhh, I feel for you. In this case, maybe it'd be better for you guys to disengage as much as you can. This is YOUR child she's messing with. I commend your husband for still wanting a relationship with her, but at some point her toxic behavior has to be called out and if she still doesn't amend herself, then you have the right to sever contact. It may be impossible to do fully, but just as much as you can for you, your husband, and child's emotional health. Maybe let him see her if he really feels he needs to and you and your little one do your own thing. Have part of your holiday all together and if he needs to go see him mom, let him and stay away. You don't have to accept her gifts or her overtures if you know her motives behind it are impure. It's hard when family members prove toxic--sometimes the only antidote is for us to change our approach. I hope some of this helps!

Your post went on & on about

Your post went on & on about no basket, a thrift store dress that benefits a rescue mission & wanting a 1 year old to understand "the true meaning".

What a 1 year old sees is that her sister gets stuff she doesn't & so do all the other kids. Even PK's (Preacher's Kids) get Easter baskets & new clothes.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on about the basket, that was just something that seemed to come up several times today (BM asked BD1 about her basket while SD was showing us hers then DH's BM gave us 4 baskets full of stuff and a ton of candy). Thank you for your opinion.

If you want to teach your kid

If you want to teach your kid about the reason for the season you are within your rights...that also means you do it in your home. You cannot go into anybody else's home and expect them to do what you want. If you don't want them to get presents, easter egg baskets, etc...then next time, stay home, go to church and sit at home all day...Everyone has a right to celebrate or not as they see fit.

PS - if you instead had visited and they had NOT gotten the same stuff for your kid as the other kids, etc...you would also be complaining and the ONLY other option would be for your DHs BM to do what you want, which is not get so much stuff for anybody...sorry, it doesn't work that way...you do what you want, she does what she wants, especially in her home

I say observe your own

I say observe your own traditions, let your own child feel loved and appreciative of your christianity while you are in your home. Let them be part of the 'fun' traditions while outside and in other's homes.

There is nothing wrong with an Easter basket or a Christmas toy. As long as you've told your own child why you observe the holidays the way you do there should be no reason to hold them back from enjoying an easter basket if someone gives them one.

Lighten up. I mean that in a very kind way. Seriously.

I have to agree with this. I

I have to agree with this. I have major religious differences with DH's family. I am Catholic, non practicing at the moment due to my onwn bitterness and feelings of betrayal, and my DH is protestant as is his family. At age one, your child is never going to have any comprehension of this holiday. As your child grows older, most certainly instill your beliefs within her. While at the same time you are doing that, help her understand that not everyone else believes as you do. When family is of a different faith, you have to just kind of shrug your shoulders, say WTHever and agree to disagree. I think my MIL is a bible beating nutjob. But, on these types of holidays, when kids are involved, let them give them whatever they want. Take that basket home and do with it's contents as you see fit. I have had a lifetime of disagreement over religion. I am a minority where I live and am MOST certainly one in the family I married into. Children are supposed to be and should be raised in the faith of their mother. Spend the rest of the year cultivating your faith, teaching them what they should know, and when your child is actually old enough to comprehend the difference, she will understand and not care. She will take her basket and eat her candy without thinking that is what it is all about.

I'm sorry, but you're worried

I'm sorry, but you're worried about what a ONE year old thinks about Easter?

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your daughter can't even talk, much less comprehend what's going on. I agree with you that all the Easter baskets BM did are overkill, but at this stage of your daughter's life I would not worry about what she thinks.

Your DH's BM sounds like a

Your DH's BM sounds like a real piece of work. Why do you waste time worrying about what she wants to do?

I'd just avoid her and pray for her.

"And then He'd bite the ears

"And then He'd bite the ears off a chocolate bunny."

I love that thought!

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for your comment Boy, I'm going to be in trouble if I have to give up my HP, I love the stories but I'm definitely waiting until BD is old enough to understand before I introduce them to her.

I love your advice and your vision of Jesus. Definitely sounds like our loving Savior to me I'm just worried about my daughters growing up to be like their Aunt is and constantly praying that I can lead them down the right path. :/ Just Mama-worries. Thanks for your ideas

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