I understand him not wanting to miss his son's event, but there will be other Ham and Bean things or whatever. However you only turn 30 once.

Maybe his mom doesn't take you too seriously because you are just a GF?

he was confused? about what? he actually expected you to cancel your own birthday dinner to go have a ham and beans with a bunch of boys? what a jackass.

I wasn't taken seriously until after dh and I married, but our kids are teens and the MIL lives far enough away so she just visits 2-3 times a year. But when she visits it's all about her grandkids and doing stuff for and with them. I usually back off and am just a shadow when she's here. She's coming in April this year b/c dh has cancer and she wants to make sure he's ok and we have all our ts crossed and is dotted with docs and specialists. Uhm, I know how to deal with docs/specialists b/c my disabled daughter practically lived at hospitals for awhile. Anyhow, it's not always a good feeling and this is an important birthday for you.

My bday is today and already dh is yelling at me and I am reacting by escaping to my room, typical beginning of a rotten day. So I am going to get off work at 1, stop by the school and pick up bs and take me out to a movie and fish and chips with bs! There are times when you just have to make your own happiness and when it comes to men and birthday or special days, uhm they lack greatly on knowing how to treat a woman. I have learned that lesson nearly a life time ago how to make my own days special from my mom/dad not knowing how to, to my ex not caring and now to dh not seeing past his own nose to know how I feel and what would make me happy.

No imagination is what I say about men!!

I've been with DH going on 13 years, married almost 4 and the in-laws still don't take me seriously. So lucky for me, the in laws are NO longer a part of our life. Been 2 years and they have been the best 2 years of my relationship.

Even without kids in the house I often have conflicting social obligations.

If I have committed to someone for one even I do NOT change my plans because a second offer came along.

He's not setting a good example for his son. When his son starts dating will he cancel plans with one girl because another person asked him to do something else?

If this is something that's tradition for them to do the "ham and bean" thing then he should go. I would never not attend my kids event for a birthday. Its your 30th bday, the same as 29,28,32, and god willing you have many more to come. Is it a big deal that even though it's your birthday that you can't push it off one day or wait till the weekend? Hell I never celebrate my birthday on my actual birthday, that went out the window when I became a mother. Perhaps, you can push it off a day or two and let him have this one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 30 was a tough year for me too. I was with my first husband (married right out of high school) and I had thrown him a spectacular 30th birthday surprise party! His was in April, mine September, so when my 30th rolled around, I thought he would've done something nice for me too. Yeah, ummm, no.

I didn't so much as get a card or a cake, much less a party with friends and family. He didn't even take me out to dinner. He had to work that day (as did I) and when he got home he gave me this kitty cat windchime that I saw at his work the last time I was there and said it was cute. It was $8. That was my 30th birthday.

40 just happened last September. DH threw me a surprise party with all of our friends and his family at Hooters, (which is one of my favorite places), bought me nice gifts, had a big cake, the whole 9 yards. Then we went out on the town in Denver and had a blast, finally ended with us at a strip club (my choice, cuz I love them). Best birthday ever, hands down!

Is the place close enough a makeso that bf can do a quick drive by at the ham and bean dinner and spend the rest of the night with you celebrating your day.

You stated that BM is his scout leader. Did she have a hand with selecting the date and did she know it was your birthday?

Lola,

I usually try to be fair when giving an opinion. Sometimes I side with the SM and sometimes I side with the other person. I don't often post, but in this case, I signed on just so I could give my opinion as well.

There's no way in hell my DH/BF/SO would be blowing off my 30th birthday party that had been planned weeks in advance to go to a Ham and Beans dinner that was being held on a weekend that wasn't his. If it was on his weekend, I would probably still be a little pissy, but would be somewhat more understanding. And contrary to what Cheri Wilson said, he "did have plans" to go. They werent' just your parent's plans, this was an event that was marked on a calendar "in pen", not pencil. And it wasn't just you, your BF and your parents, it was a party! That's a lot harder to change dates for!

Wow, I just can't believe some of the responses on here. You would think you were asking him to miss the kid's College graduation or something. And yes, I have kids (they are adults now). While I liked to attend as many of their events as possbile, sometimes other things came up and I was unable to go. And especially in this case, the BM is going, so WTF? I know things come up with kids and we have to be flexible, blah, blah, blah, but IMHO in this case he should put you first.

I would be beyond pissed, and would consider this a deal breaker.

I hope he sees the light!

Wow I can tell by some of the posts which people are raising entitled kids that are going to grow up into self centered who think the world revolves around them.

As others have said if the child's every desire was that important they should have stayed in the crappy marriage.

What I am reading here is that BM and Dad are going to go to this "event" with the child and all will pretend that they are one big happy family.

I grew up in a time where parents did not coddle their children to death. Where did this idea that a child would swoon over and die if a parent was not at one event? It's not the bean vs birthday cake issue.

It's that the parent's social life (even if it was an intact family) must be swept aside for any trivial event the kid has. It is not like this is the kid's first communion or graduation. The kid still gets to go and play. What do you want to bet the kid won't spend 5 minutes with is dad anyway. What kid does when their are friends to play with?

But the dad certainly gets a choice in what he wants to do. But that choice is very telling. It is a loud and clear message that the girlfriend is just that - a girl that he sees but that is not real important in the grand scheme of his life. And that's his right to not feel more for her. Feelings are feeling but it's always good to recognize where you fit in to a relationship.

I think he should skip the ham and beans thing. Frankly, I would expect my dh to do so.

Also, I would expect him to expect me to skip a fundraising ham and bean supper for his bday event that was planned 3 weeks in advance I hate ham and beans so he would know I wouldnt want to go anyway! LOL!

I have 3 kids myself-then there is also ss. I also work full time. I learned a long time ago that there is only one of me, I cant be everywhere at once. At some point, ALL of my children have had to take a backseat to one another, dh, my job, or some other sort of committment. It's life. I see this, again, as another issue of since this is a COD that your bf feels he MUST be at EVERY.SINGLE.EVENT in his son's life and apparently your future inlaws feel teh same way (so did mine-they absolutely felt that ss should come before me and dh's and I's mutual kid too)(and they so kindly tried to pound that in his head for years until he stopped speaking to them).

My dd11 recently was in her school talent show. Guess what? I couldnt go as it was scheduled on my late night to work. My dd15's cheer banquet is scheduled next week. Guess what? Also on my late night to work. My dh has and will be attending these events. If he was unable to go I would ask my parents to go so that they have someone from the family in attendance. My dd15 had a cheer competition last weekend out of town. My ds had a track event. His grandparents took him. He didnt fall down and die because his mommy couldnt attend every single moment in his life. He's 13. In all liklihood, he didnt care one way or another. As long as I am able to attend some of my kids events, they are all ok with it and I never even get any complaints.

In your situation, the kid is not even demanding that dad attend this ham and beans thing. The kid is going with bm, on her weekend. He doesnt have to miss out on anything other than watching his dad ingest ham and beans along with the other scout parents. What if your parents had given you all a surprise crusie that week for your bday? Would your bf not go because of a ham and bean supper? Birth of your child? What if there is another ham and bean supper? Would your wedding be scheduled around a ham and bean supper? And then we wonder why kids today think the world revolves around them? Realistically, your bf is going to have to miss some of his kids events. It's life. Others do it all the time. And while I also live in a small community, I've never seen anyone look down on any parent who had to miss an event here or there for other committments? Now, sure, if they had a pervasive pattern of never attending anything of their childs, people may notice and talk, but that's not the situation here.

Reading this, I can't help but thing of the blog that was posted a few weeks ago about a 7 year old being upset about her birthday celebration being put off in order for the family to attend her SS's play.
Most agreed that the child should get over it, the day should not be about her, she should learn to share.... It’s funny how that line of thinking never applies to adults.

Why do we expect kids to do things adults can't/won't do? :?

Patty Stanger would have told you to dump this guy 2 months ago. In this case, I'd say she'd been right. I've become incredibly selfish in my old age and I must admit it feels GOOD to put ME first.
Only YOU can decide how much more of his leftovers you're willing to take.

This is the first time I've ever sent a link from this site to my friend. She doesn't have a SK situation and thinks mine is unique. I've been telling her about this site but never showed her anythng. I read this post and was dying because it looks like something I could've written. I sent it to her saying "Who does this sound like??" She called me laughing and we couldn't stop giggling over the all caps, HAM AND BEAN DINNER. You are reacting exactly as I would. It's ridiculous that he is not putting something like this aside for your special birthday event. I'd seriously think about this. The rest of your life will be this way if he honestly thinks a boy scout ham and bean dinner on BM's weekend is more important. That's just crazy.

I would be pissed off too if I thought my partner was willing to miss a milestone birthday celebration which had been planned for weeks for a minor kid event which has come up at short notice. Hes probably been to loads of kid events and there will be lots more in the future he can go to if he wants, but your birthday is a special occasion and he shouldn't have to think twice about being with you on your special day. The kid's not going to miss out because his mother and grandma will be taking him, and if all his friends are there he'll be too busy to spend any time with the adults anyway. Your BF could easily make a donation if it's a fundraising event, and if his mother and the kid's bm are upset that he's not there then that's their problem.

If I thought I was going to have to come second to every minor kid event till the skids are grown up I would have packed my bags years ago. I think it's all about finding a balance - by all means go to the kid events when you can, but unless it's something of real major importance (awards ceremonies/graduation etc), it should not interfere with any adult/couple things. I agree with everyone who says that kids have to learn they are not centre of the universe and have to accept they don't get everything they want all the time, otherwise they just learn to be spoilt entitled brats. I hope your BF sees your point and joins you on your big day, and if not have a good one anyway!

Sorry for being so blunt, but your BF sounds like a real dip shit. I know what it feels like to constantly be put last and to have everyone matter but you.

Here is part of a review of the book Stepmonster that really hit home for me.

[quote]Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."[/quote]

I would think twice about staying in the relationship. It will only get worse once you are married, unless you get counseling, I hate to tell you.

You are young and single with no kids. Why not go find a lovely man who has no kids and a BM to deal with?

Good luck and happy birthday.