FDH's SD19 (Ex SD?) taking his name

I think I just need to vent - I don't think too many people can understand how I feel about this. It took me a good amount of time to come to terms with the reality that I'm going to be the second wife. The 2nd person to go by FDH's last as his ex still goes by Mrs "FDH". OK, I got over that hurdle. I didn't quite know what I wanted to do with my last name; FDH is very traditional and wants me to full on take his name.

Saturday night FDH's SD19 (this is his ex's daughter she had prior to their marriage and FDH raised her since she was 3 or 4 - her birth father has been MIA since..well..forever) -so saturday night SD19 announces that she is changing her last name to FDH's last name. All well and good except that SD19 and I have the SAME FIRST NAME!!! So now I'm going to be the 2ND LOLA383 "FDH"!!!!!! I get that the kid is going through some identity crisis and probably hates that she has her birth father's last name..but c'mon! you've had this name your entire life. She only wants it so that her army uniform can have FDH's last name on it. ugh... I know I'm partially being selfish on this; but this is MY NAME TOO!!! MY IDENTITY!! I have to share it now?! It makes me feel like a big ol' 2nd in this family structure. FDH thinks it's cool she's taking his name; I told him I feel awkward about this; I am unsure now what I want to do with my last name after we're married.. he's all upset.

Nothing with his family is easy. Absolutely nothing.

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Wow sorry I cant relate, but

Wow sorry I cant relate, but that's just silly. Changing your name is a big deal and his ex shouldn't have given her the 'dads' last name if he wasn't going to be her dad. She should use her moms last name.. Im sure she knows that your DH isn't really her dad, and having the exact same name as you is stupid. I didn't want to share a last name with my stepmom let alone her WHOLE NAME!

And besides.. women change to their husbands last name, you should be allowed to not have to share that. His ex should have changed her name back, especially as she didn't have a kid with the name (my only reason for wanting to hold onto that). Finally.. shes going to change it when she marries, so why change it now?

That's what FDH said to her

That's what FDH said to her on Saturday, "so you're going to change your name and then change it again when you get married.." and she's all "oh no! I'm keeping it forever - if I ever get married I'll just add on the new name like people do on Facebook"...

I think I even said it outloud like.."so there's going to be 2 LOLA383 "FDH"'s?????" and everyone ignored me. FDH is like, "Well I'm a second..I have my dad's first name" and my response to that was "YOUR HIS KID!! THAT WAS THE INTENTION to make you a JR!!" SD19 is NOT my kid!

I'm really struggling with this concept.. He's like.."She's 19! She is barely at the house!" But still...for me, having to SHARE my NAME is not anything for me to be excited about. It just feels like as usual..the existing family unit gets more special attention. SD19 went to my soon-to-be SIL about this and they've been working on this since Christmas..she's got the paperwork and BM's approval and everything.

I would most def. be

I would most def. be annoyed......

I would be throwing a damn

I would be throwing a damn fit over this. Sorry, she has a limited relationship with him and wants his name, now? I did not take DH's name, his ex is a bithc who people know in this town and I never wanted to be associated with my Steps, so I kept my name. I use my maiden name professionally and have it hyphenated legally with my first husbands name. Drives DH nuts, but until BM stops using it and my SD stops being so reckless, I will not change it to his.

Don't change your name and tell him why. It is not going to happen, since there is already one of those and I did not give birth to that kid. He is stupid for thinking this is a good idea.

^THIS^ is exactly what I did

^THIS^ is exactly what I did too. I legally hyphenated, but really only use my maiden for most things. Now that DH and I have children, I sometimes use DH's last name alone to make it easier, but I haven't had to do that much. If BM had changed her name back, I probably would have taken DH's name alone once we had children, but I don't bother now.

I would be beyond annoyed in this situation. I would NOT take your FDH's name if your SD goes through with changing her name. Tell him you'll change it once she gets married and adds another name to hers so you don't have the same names.

It's funny how this isn't really the end of the world in real life (changing names) but it ends up an emotional issue when there's been more than one marriage.

It's totally an emotional

It's totally an emotional thing! FDH can't understand it because "she's 19 and is barely at home" it doesn't matter where she is physically on this planet..I would have the same name as his EX SD!! She's 19 and taking his last name...he never adopted her; I just don't understand this.

My name is very important to me. Why should I have to share it?! And was she being sneaky on this whole plan by not going to FDH about this? She went to FSIL who is infamous for spoiling her rotten!! Gives her everything she wants and always takes her side. So of course she'd get buy-in from her "Aunt". It almost makes me pissed at BM, too since she's all on-board with this, too. NO ONE THINKS OF ME EVER.

I told him this morning I

I told him this morning I don't know what I want to do with my name...He called me immediately and annoyingly says "so your not going to change it at all?! What about our kids? what name are they going to have?!"

I think it's ridiculous for SD19 to change her name at 19 years old. FDH never adopted her; what right does she have to change her last name to his??? I think there is zero regard for me or my feelings especially by FDH's sister, mother, and now apparently his kids and even he is too much of an idiot to see how this wouldn't make me happy.

I really dont think I want to change my name at all..

that'd be hilarious.... sure

that'd be hilarious.... sure SD you can have DH's last name.... only it won't be his last name for long. Bet she would pitch a royal hissy bitch about that.

I'd be annoyed about all of this as well. I would most likely hyphenate or just not change my name at all. Thank God I was DH's first, only and last marriage. The skids have his last name but neither of the skanky whore BM's do.

I have a very popular, common first name and when I married DH, I took on a very common popular last name. It's a pain in the ass, because there are other women in my work and personal zones with the same name. Like, whenever I used to go tanning at this one place, they would screw my account up with another person with the same name. There is a woman at work within our BOCES email system with the same name as me, but she works in a neighboring school district to mine, but at LEAST 5 times a week I get her emails and she gets mine. It's so annoying!

Trust me, if you can avoid having the same exact name as someone else, I would do it!!!!

I just wrote him a message

I just wrote him a message that if I decide not to change my name at all - then he better not be mad at me or resent me for it because noone considered my feelings in this decision one bit.. He said "do what your little heart desires"...hmph...damn straight i will!

Change your name back to your

Change your name back to your maiden name, or hyphen.

Problem solved. And it'll probably piss off your DH to boot, but at least then he'll know how serious you are.

Like, when mail comes to the house, how are you going to know whose who?

Have you tried hitting him

Have you tried hitting him with the ick factor of: You realize with both of us sharing the same name, people will THINK she is your wife when she introduces herself around and they will consider you one cradel robbing dirty freaking old man.

Or alternately with the financial aspect:

You do realize if this 'kid' ever misses a payment this can screw up MY credit. Since that name is affliated with this address and credit agencies report not just by SSN but also by name and address... and you can COUNT on hers and/or BMs creditors calling our house night and day if they miss a payment thinking I am her?

OMG that is such a good point

OMG that is such a good point I never thought about that! UUGGGHHHHHH

The thing about it is that

The thing about it is that you can't stop SD from doing what she wants to do. Unless FDH says to her "I dont want you taking my last name" there is nothing that YOU or FDH can really do about it. It's not so much FDH's fault, except for the fact that he has raised her and it's HIS SD.

Is she doing it out of spite? Feels like she is losing part of him and wants to feel connected?

I agree that it is annoying and I would be mad and upset.

Althought that sounds like an

Althought that sounds like an awesome idea to object to the name change; I feel it would cause major problems for me. I can't help but resent her for this; and FSIL, and BM & FDH for all being on board with it. FDH is acting so hands off and annoyed with me that I don't like this.

I think her Aunt is paying

I think her Aunt is paying for this. If FDH has to pay for this I'll be even more BS because then he could have stopped it.

All this possib;e mix up between her and I is so infuriating. we have different middle names..is that a saving grace or does that even not matter?

Ugh, just did some research

Ugh, just did some research on the credit bureau mix ups.. i guess credit agencies have loose standards and as long as they come "close" to the person they think is right, they go ahead and do their thing. Oh holy hell we are not going to have the same name.. she is not responsible at all!!!!!! :jawdrop:

Why is it that steps on here

Why is it that steps on here understand where I am coming from but FDH and one of my close friends don't. My friend said she doesn't agree with me because SD19 was there and part of that family before me.

Do I always have to step aside and let them have their ways because they were there before me? Well no shit; such is the structure of a step family - some people will have been there before others, does that always mean they get precedence??

Why is it that steps on here

GAWD... people are so dumb!

GAWD... people are so dumb! WTF would the point be of anyone ever marrying a man with children or a previously enjoyed "family"?? if that is the line of reasoning??? You shall always come second, third, fifth or tenth?

Apparently that's some

Apparently that's some people's mentality. But they are also not in a step type relationship. But my thoughts exactly..what would the point be? There would be zero successful 2nd marriages if the new wife or husband always had to put the children first simply because THEY WERE PART OF THAT FAMILY FIRST!! Isn't this a new family now cuz it's a new marriage?!?!?! Am I supposed to bring children into this family with the mentality that whoever was here first gets higher priority?! F!!!

If your friend has more than

If your friend has more than one kid, you can ask her how she can claim to love her second child, since obviously the one that was there first is entitled to all the love, money, time, attention, etc etc etc. Gag me.

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FDH's SD19 (Ex SD?) taking his name

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