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Help Me Get Over This!!!

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 7:58pm

I'm 30, DH 43. I want to have another child. I have my BS10, who is not my DH's and my DH has his children.

I am bitter about this. I am angry. And I am depressed. I took a week off because BS had no school and I was in my pajamas all day. I don't do my hair and primp the way I usually do. I wear a bun practically everyday. I have been eating ice cream and cake for breakfast. In other words I just don't give a fuck.

DH told me a year into our relationship that he would get his vasectomy reversed. We are now 7 years in and he at some point, maybe year 3, changed his mind and just decided I should be okay with it.

I'm not. I try, but I am not. I'm only 30. I own my own home, car and have a great job that allows for me to work from home. My son loves his little baby cousin to pieces and I know he will be a good big brother!

I don't truly feel connected to my DH because this is the missing link to me. I wish I could talk to him about it but he has already made it clear where he stands.

The thing is, I only want a child with him. my husband, the person I am married to. It is not a situation where I want a child period, and will divorce my husband or anything like that.

I need help. I need help to forget about this. I need to just accept it and move on. Any advice would be appreciated. Sad

Comments

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:01pm

"im mad that i feel like im not good enough to produce a child with my husband, but BM was..and the anger keeps building" Key words: BUT BM WAS. This is me. It makes me sick and hate the world and everyone in it that he has a child with her and not me. The anger and grief over this is intolerable.

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:03pm

It is intolerable. My friends try to assure me it isn't personal, that he is just at a different point in life, but how can I not take it personally? That's impossible to do.

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 8:55pm

Thanks Lynn. I'm trying so hard to not get upset and feel how I feel. But watching my skids have these babies like it's no big deal and yet I struggle here just makes it worse. How do I change it? How do I just not care? I wish I knew Sad

(((lynn123)))

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 8:57pm

Wow Cheri, how sad. I want to get to the point where it doesn't bother me. I think about the fact that my son is almost 11 and can do certain things on his own and having a baby would mean I have to start all over again. I think about the fact once my son is of age and moves out we can travel and do all of the things we want to do.

But the thought of having only 1 child, makes me sad Sad

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:14pm

Thanks Pilgrim. But my question is, how can I accept it? I WANT to be over it. I want to be happy with what I have and what I have worked for. I just wish I knew how to redirect my feelings. Does that make sense?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:24pm

Reframe. Change your thinking and that will influence your feelings.

What you have is pretty good.

I mean it.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:21pm

My husband and I had problems before the rings, but, even though I really thought otherwise at the time, the rings did not change things for the better. Things just got worse.

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:27pm

It is betrayal. I remember the day I came home from work, he pulled me aside and told me that he was going to make the appointment to get a vasectomy reversal. I was so happy!!!

Then time passed and he never brought up the subject again. And when I asked about the appointment he got super defensive, saying things like how could I ask for another child after seeing what he is going through with child support, etc. I was DEVESTATED.

And I try. I try spending time with my nephew and other people's children. To the outside world it looks like I don't want anymore. Anytime people ask, I just say I don't want anymore because the gap would be too big between the baby and my son.

I just think of all these people around having children, so unprepared and stressed out over the responsibility while I would give anything to share this with my DH.

My son wasn't planned, and my ex gave me hell over it. I had a miserable pregnancy and a miserable first year of my son's life until we broke up. I wanted the opportunity to have a happy, planned pregnancy. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but it has always been in the back of my mind.

I know I am rambling. I just want to not feel this way anymore and I'm hoping typing it will help.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:31pm

It only takes one veto vote when it comes to babies.
First, try to be grateful for the healthy, happy son you have.
Second, having a baby isn't what "connects" you to your DH. Your relationship with your DH should be strong and stand on its own without a child. I would focus on that.
Third, you spent a year in a relationship with him KNOWING he had a vasectomy. Clearly, you chose to stay in the relationship for a period of time with no indication that he was willing to reverse it.
You say after a year, he said he would. Now, he doesn't want to.
I can't blame him. He had a V because he was done. You knew about it. Then he says, sure, then he says, "no way." The back and forth sucks, and he should have just stuck to his guns.
Fourth, reversals have a low rate of success. Even IF he had it, there is zero guarantee it would work. Then you would have the emotional upheaval of trying and hoping and being unsuccessful. Sad
I really believe it has nothing to do with "you," but he's just at a place where he doesn't want more children. I married my DH knowing he had a vasectomy. I was only 32 when we got together, and he was only 39. We weren't babies, but we weren't old farts, either. He had a V...so I knew that going in. Do I wish sometimes we could have an "ours" baby? Sure!! It's just not in the cards for us, and I knew that before I fell in love with him.
PS: I think I still even have a "baby" blog on here.

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:34pm

Thanks SAF, I needed that. I want to shift my focus and just be thankful for all I do have. I just want to already be at that place where I am okay with it. I want to bypass all of the sorrow I feel, KWIM?

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:41pm

You're going to have to re-train yourself and your thought pattern, and that's not easy.
You know you have options: 1. leave him and start all over and hope you find a man who wants a kid, 2. stay with him and accept that you are done having babies, and 3. stay with him but be miserable because you refuse to accept you're done having babies.
I can't tell you to stay or go. That's your choice, but if you stay...it makes no sense to do it and be miserable forever. That robs you of a happy marriage and happy life.
So, if you want to stay, and not be miserable forever, retrain yourself. Every time you start thinking "I want a baby; how could he not?; why won't he get a reversal," etc... allow yourself one or two thoughts in your pity party. (I don't mean that in a mean way.) Just a moment or two to mourn something you wanted, and then refocus. You have a great son. You love your DH. You have a nice job. You have....start filling your mind with everything you have. Then...if you really want to up the ante, start reminding yourself of how much work a baby is, and how you'd trek around with a car seat, stroller, high chair, diaper bag, blah blah blah. (That works for me!)
I think what really brings us down is when we ruminate on things and let them become a (destructive) force in our lives.

dad'swife's picture

Submitted by dad'swife on Sat, 02/23/2013 - 9:42pm

Thanks Stepdown. My option is to accept it. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to find another man just because I want another child. I want that child with HIM.

I just want to get to the point where I have accepted it, like skip all this miserable stuff and get to the part where I am okay with it.

silentnites's picture

Submitted by silentnites on Sun, 02/24/2013 - 3:27am

You need therapy to accept it, I don't think you will get over it. DH did not fulfill his end of the bargain. Think it over very carefully. You will feel this at 50 and then it truly will be too late. If you can't talk to him about it, then you need marriage counseling, together. He does not get to be fine with the decision when you are not on board.

Good luck...