Look the other way, act like you don't care. If you have to leave the room to keep yourself out of whatever, then do it. You will save your sanity and your self-respect. Its a never ending battle but keep your chin up and bite your lip. Consider some great tasting lip gloss if you have to bite your lip. LOL

Good luck

but is worth it. it requires you to detach yourself from the 'outcome.' example: if your adolescent SD likes to stay up late and her biodad lets her and you disagree, as long as you don't have other bio children the same age that can get the wrong message, go to bed and ignore it. tell yourself, she'll be the one who is tired and exhausted and unhealthy and in the end, all of this, yet sad and unfortunate is not your problem.

it may sound harsh, but in reality and to save your own sanity and dignity, you need to constantly remind yourself that these children are not your own children. meaning, you cannot invest the kind of effort and care into them because it will not be received and accepted in the same way that it would from your own child. why even bother? why stress yourself out? go shopping one afternoon and leave dad alone with his kids. come home at dinner time (after stopping at a drive through restaurant and feeding YOURSELF) and watch tv, get ready for bed and then go to bed. let them feed themselves, and so on.

trust me, i got criticized for this 'you don't care about my kids. you don't seem interested.' and my response was: 'you can't have it both ways. when i WAS interested and i DID have something to say, i was labelled as the evil stepmom. now, well, i'm not involved.'

one last word of advice, only put your foot down when it comes to demanding respect and politeness in your presence. meaning: you should be this way toward them. and you should expect it FROM them. but that's it. leave the whole kaboodle parenting headache up to DH. and treat your stepkids like they were your neighbors kids. you'll feel alot less disappointed, you will feel much more freedom and less pressure to 'perform' and in the end, you won't be setting yourself up for heartache. if your stepkids come to you on their own for support and love, that would be a bonus. welcome them. but don't, don't hold your breath.

good luck my friend. it's not easy.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

and realized you have same age kids at the same time as your skids. my advice about ignoring their behavior may not be appropriate. in this situation, you need to talk to your dh about setting down 'agreed upon' rules and 'agreed upon consequences' should ANY of the children misbehave. if this does not work well, you have a choice, stay or go. if you choose to stay, you may have to have a 'talk' with your own biokids and remind them that you do NOT approve of certain kinds of behavior and that it is your hope that they will continue to set a good example for their stepsiblings by following the rules.

this is a very difficult situation you are in. it is not fair to have two different sets of rules but i honestly think you're going to have to tackle this with dh. as far as disengaging is concerned, it will be sooo much harder to do when you have other children in the house that deserve fair treatment and a solid example.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I have my SD six and BD eight. There are standard rules of the house that each must follow, but there great variances in how each is applied to each child. Each kid was raised differently. When we tried to enforce "strange" rules in order to be fair both the girls were lost. SD has major behavior issues and emotional disorders that require different rules in order to cope. BD is very well behaved and easily reprimanded so different rules can be necessary. Remember that nobody can tell you what works for your family except you.

As for the diengaging... sometimes it is the only thing that can save your sanity or your marriage. It is difficult but is basically all in mind control. Literally block out the entire situation. The way my therapist taught me was to look at the situation without any emotional connection. You are a babysitter during this period. You make sure that the Skids are fed, physically not in harms way, etc. If they do not behave for you while DH is gone, reprimand like you would a friend's child you are just watching. Clarify to DH that when he is present, Skids are his responsibility. If you witness or are subject to poor behavior then bring it to his attention. Let him handle it in whatever fashion he sees fit. Even when you do not agree with how he is handling it (and this happens way more than not!!!)Remember "not you kid, not your kid". Do not feel guilt for putting yourself and your kids first. Of course do not emotionally hurt anyone intentionally. By doing this, you are not announcing that you do not care. You may love DH and Skids very much. But you are taking care of your own wellness first in order to be a mom and wife. Sometimes it is only a temporary detachment that you need to re evaluate, and then you can get back on track in a more positive direction. Other times it is a permananet way of coping. I think many of us have found that doing tis is a form of numbng ourselves to an unbearable situation without forcing ourselves to make drastic decisions. I did it for quite awhile and am pleased to say that I am not very close to my SD and do not have to resort to that in order to leave peacefully. The time may come when I have to emotionally remove myself again... who knows. Good luck to you. You are new here since I took my hiatus, so I am gonna go read your threads and catch up. Hugs to ya!

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

Than me for this one, believe me. I am a very fast talking, fast thinking person with big opinions and am very strict and consistent with my basic house rules for my boys. But Going Crazy is right. It was hard when My boys came from very structured loving households and SS came from....well I don't know Mars perhaps?? Anyway, I would get angry and then think oh thats right, I don't care what other people think of SS, I don't care if his hair's not brushed, or his teeth aren't cleaned or if he's tired tomorrow.....the list goes on.

Its hard at first but all of a sudden Dh was all over him and I found myself free, free at last!! When you stop doing the talking and the disaplining, your DH will soon see that his kid is actually misbehaving or people think he's rude or people think he looks a mess...when you have been doing it this long, your DH is used to it being done, and believe me, DH actually picks up your rules quicker than the skids and all of a sudden they start enforcing your rules!!

It has been a sweet ride for me since I started this train of thought..Just keep saying Not my kid, not my problem. As far as other kids go, I tell the kids the truth. He doesn't live here, and he has to follow DH's rules not mine. I talk to them about it and tell them why I want them to go to bed now, because I care about you and I don't want you to be tired and grumpy tomorrow. Although DH would be a bit rude to watch other similar aged kids get sent to bed without sending his to bed. Mine sends his to bed same time I send mine.

Takes practice, but the first time you smile to yourself because you realise ou don't care, you'll know you're on the right track and SS and I got on better because there wasn't all the tension there used to be. Good Luck!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

These gals have gave you perfect advice! Trust me, disengaging is vital to your marriage!! I recently (January) told the bm I was going to kick her butt because she had said something about my mom and my boys (totally innocent, mind you), but after that I found out my health started going downhill. I'm 34 yrs old, never had an issue with health until now, all due to the stress I put myself under for a person that don't give a rat's butt about anything. Since that time, I have felt tons better. Your step kids have a mom and dad, let them raise them and take care of them!!! I cook and do my stepkids laundry and that is it. When they are visiting, my husband takes them everywhere with him. I don't babysit, nothing!! It is very FREEING!!! I have two teenagers and my stepkids are 8, 5, and 4, so the rules are different in our house. All the kids have to have respect for us and for each other. I use my energy to love my boys more and thank God that me and their dad get along! Some people need to realize that marriages don't work, and you are just better off being parents. That's the way my ex and I look at it. We get along great and I really am thankful for that!!

Good luck!! It is hard, but it will ALL be worth it in the end! I promise you!!!

the advice given above..... and I found my way to vent about these things is on here, with people you can trust. People here KNOW what you are going through and can give you sound advice, unlike people who have no skids. I also discovered the art of blogging, I dont like to write, so this was perfect for me. I blog on myspace, and have it locked out so that noone can see it except those I chose to see it. It's perfect! Disengaging to me sounded harsh and like I didn't care, but it saved my marriage AND my sanity. Good Luck!

Disengaging is difficult, but I echo the words above that it will save your sanity. At first I tried to establish a relationship with my H's teens--I really did. They took what I had to offer, then turned on me, each and every time. After a while I realized that they mistook my kindness and generousity for weakness that they could exploit, and then ridicule me for it.

So I stopped. No more shopping or trips. No more asking how they were doing--I waited until they greeted me first (they didn't). No more invitations to eat dinner or to engage with the family. No more rides, pocket change, or "favors." I decided to concentrate my limited energy on the people who cared.

They labeled me a bitch when I was nice to them, and guess what? I was labeled a bitch again when I wasn't! The only difference was that I became free of their judgement and negativity. They no longer set the rules of whatever relationship exists between us--I do.

Disengaging.....especially when dealing w/ a crazy BM, or skids is a tough practice....at first. It's become 2d nature to me now that I put my energy into people & things that deserve it. It took alot for me to finally do it, but when I made up my mind, as BM was writing me these horrible e-mails, I wrote her back, and told her it was the last she would ever hear from me, GAME OVER. I wrote that if she wanted to go on living in h---, and destroying her relationships w/ her kids, and keep hating and bashing my DH, she can do it with no further comments from me, and forget about ever asking me to ever do anything to help her or her kids with this situation. I said goodbye, have a nice life. I have saved that e-mail for when I need reinforcement for myself. Then I cut off contact options for her.....new e-mail account, new phone #, etc, that she has no access to. And mt DH stopped answering his phone, so she always had to leave voice mails....she does not like being taped, as we used her own words against her in court before, so now she stopped calling his # to. I got lucky by moving away, It was the best thing for my DH,& I, and our baby. So now she has no one to harrass, except her dumb-a-- husband, and her kids, and if they want to stick around for it, so be it. Disengaging, and living happily, is so worth the disipline. Oh, this is funny...when I sent that last e- mail to BM, she and her husband wrote me back, twice for each of them, still trying to engage a war!!! I was not looking for a response, and did not leave one open to them. It's funny, and it helps me stick to my guns. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.

You just keep telling yourself "not my kid, not my problem." Or "not my ex-wife, not my problem." Whatever. You just fake not caring until you eventually find that you really DON'T care! You let your DH deal with skids, BM and all the drama surrounding them. You do what YOU feel comfortable doing, not what you think you are obligated to do, because STEPPARENTS HAVE NO OBLIGATIONS. We can volunteer to help our spouses out, but we are not obligated to raise their children for them or fight their ex-spouses for them. You set clear boundaries as to what your involvement as a stepparent will be and let the child's parents be the ones responsible for them. My rule of thumb? If it doesn't directly impact ME or MY CHILDREN, then I stay the hell out of it. It does take lots of practice, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Disengaging?! I'm trying so hard to do this. The SD are 20 and 24. I'm at the point I don't want them in my home but, they are coming this weekend. I just want to pack a bag and leave for the weekend. DH and I don't see eye to eye. I told DH two months ago I am done with his DDs. He doesn't believe me. His head is in the sand. I need to vent, scream, cry, disappear. DH gets very angry with me when I try and disengage from his daughters. I know I should start a new blog but this hit home.

I am completely serious about this. His kids were raised very differently from mine and I have to admit sometimes those differences still drive me absolutely batsh*t but not as much as before. I am not saying that his way is bad...it is just diferent than mine. We have been together for almost five years now and I just don't deal with them skids on certain issues. If it does not effect me financially or directly I tell them that they need to check with their dad and leave it at that.

That way I am not responsible for the outcome. At first it was hard for me because I felt like I was doing them wrong. It was also hard on bd but she knows I love her and that my beliefs and parenting styles are different than Dh's and that nothing I am doing with her has changed. I don't allow anything in my home that is just flat out unfair and, so far, it has been okay. My daughter appreciates that I am a concerned mom and has told me that she knows that I love her.

My relationship with the skids isn't all bad, thankfully, actually it is pretty good, but it is definately very different than that with bd. I didn't set out for it to be that way in the beginning and actually hoped to get to know the skids and work with Dh on how our family was going to work but unfortunately things didn't quite happen that way and I had no other choice because of the circumstances.

So, I disengage.

Georgie