Teenagers and cellphones
Quick backstory. Over the summer, in August, SD got caught kissing a 17 year old boy. She was grounded, her phone was taken away because we found out she had been talking to him for a month prior to the incident and they had engineered her spending the night with her friend (his cousin) so they could see each other. The restriction period was only supposed to be until October. Well, then we found out she was getting on her e-mail account (which she was also grounded from) and having romeo and juliet style talks with him (we'll be together forever or we'll hurt ourselves, blah blah). Anyway, so she was grounded from her phone until January, her e-mail account was shut down, she was grounded from school dances/sleep overs until January and she's been put in therapy (this was only part of the reason she went to therapy, but still part of the process).
SD finally got her phone back on Sunday. DH and I went online with our cellphone provider and signed up for the parental controls for her phone. He and I went through each control and discussed appropriate limitations. We decided on the following:
- Block the 17 year olds number, obviously if we find out she is communicating with him through his cousin or anyone else, those people will get blocked as well.
- Allow DH and my cellphone numbers to get through at all times.
- Block all texting and phone calls past 9 PM on school nights (they come back at 6 AM the following day).
- Block all data usage and for some reason if she were able to access the internet (which she shouldn't cause I have that blocked seperately), only allow age appropriate sites.
- Maximum of 3,000K text messages per month
Now all these are really duh, but apparently BM texted DH yesterday throwing a hissy fit about the text message limit. Saying it was too high....
Umm...first of all, WE PAY FOR THE MOTHER F-ING PHONE. Whatever limits WE come up with are NONE OF YOUR F-ING CONCERN.
Second of all, we don't expect her to actually USE 3k in text messages a month. We all have unlimited. However, we capped it at that because while we don't expect her to use that much, there has been one or two instances where she's texted like 5 or 6k. We told her not to do that, she stopped. We thought 3k was a reasonable amount to cap it off at. She really shouldn't be using more than that.
The kid is 13. And FEMALE. She never actually TALKS to anyone on the phone, she just texts. Hell, I use about 2k a month in texts just because I hate talking on the phone. And I'm 31.
The sad thing is that I'm just so irritated over the whole phone issue that I considered just telling DH to just cancel the stupid phone and let BM take it over.
I understand that BM is the kids mother. But, WE pay for this kid to have a cellphone. We don't ask for any reimbursement. We don't deduct it out of her child support. We pay for it because WE want to. We put what WE think are reasonable restrictions on the phone due to SD's recent behavior. In my opinion, I don't think BM gets to question to restrictions since she isn't financially responsible for it.
There is a simple solution BM, if you don't like the phone, take it from her when she walks in the door, set it on the counter and don't let her have it back until she walks out the door again. Simple.easy.tidy. I see people do this day in and day out on both sides of the fence. It just drives BM nuts that she has no control over the phone. She can't freaking stand it.
In the end, I didn't say anything to DH. But honestly, I'm tired. I know BM well enough by now to know that it doesn't matter WHAT we do, if it isn't done to "her" specifications, it's not going to be good enough. Neither DH or I are going to be helicopter parents. We give reasonable restrictions based on a child's actions. Period. That's not going to change. I honestly think a judge would agree with us but what do I know?
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Oh DH has. He told her flat
Oh DH has. He told her flat out if she's more than welcome to buy SD her own phone and take over the payment.
BM wants us to cancel her phone first before she does it.
BM also wants ridiculous restrictions on her phone. Like SD is only allowed to call 6 numbers and all others are blocked. No text messaging. Only allowed to use the phone IN her presence. No internet (I don't have issue with this one). No NOTHING.
SD begged (like literally BEGGED us) not to let BM take over her phone. We've told her that basically the trust has been broken. We've told her that she gets one chance to show us that she's not going to make these bad decisions in regards to boys again or we're giving the plan up and BM can take it over.
Just out of curiosity, what
Just out of curiosity, what are BM's reasons for wanting the phone to be highly restricted? I mean, other than the obvious reason that her thirteen year old daughter is lying, sneaking around, meeting up with older boys, and talking about hurting herself if she can't be with this boy (almost man). A seventeen year old with a thirteen year old is not dating, it's babysitting.
My SD did all of this same shizz when she was about this age, and it has left a major mark on her self-esteem and reputation. In our case it was BM that insisted SD have very few limits on her cellphone, while DH and I heard way after the incident each time SD screwed up again. It's incredibly frustrating. It sounds like you guys aren't nearly as lenient with her as my SD's BM still is, but with the things your SD has already done, I would be concerned as her BM too. Teen girls do some dumb ass things to impress people, especially boys. Just another angle to look at things from.
SD did not lie. We all knew
SD did not lie. We all knew she was talking to him. As I said, BM encourages SD to have boyfriends/friends of the opposite sex. However, NONE of us knew he was seventeen. Do we think she purposly left that part out? Not really. I believe that she really should have known better but she's 13. A boy was paying attention to her and she liked it. I remember what being 13 was like.
Personally, I've read SD's journals. She doesn't know that I know where it's hidden. In the journal she made the comment that she "didn't want her first kiss to be this way" and she wanted it to be "special". Honestly, I think that little jerk pressured her into it, but that's my opinion.
She in therapy for the self harming comments. The therapist is in agreement with DH and my decisions on the phone and with our parenting style. She believes SD deserves a chance to prove she's learned her lesson.
Maybe she won't, I mean, I get that. But we have to give her a chance.
When I said that your SD
When I said that your SD lied, I was referring to orchestrating meeting up with the guy through his cousin. May not be a direct lie, but sneaky. I consider sneaking to be a form of lying in our home, and it carries the same consequences.
I remember what it was like to be a teen as well. I know that I would say and do whatever was necessary to get what I wanted, including, but not limited to begging and sneaking. I also know that my folks only knew a TINY portion of what was actually happening in my life. I even had a "dummy" journal that left for them to find, because I knew my mom would read it.
Not saying that your SD is doing these same things. She may not be. And thirteen is a fairly appropriate age for a first kiss (not with a seventeen year old, but you're right, girls want to be liked, he was giving her that attention, and it was likely his pressure that made it happen). This is just one of those stories that makes my gut turn, because it is so similar to what my SDstb18 went through. (Only it was DH trying to create stricter boundaries with the phone and other privileges.) I hope that you guys have a much easier go of it than we did.
I'll probably sound rather
I'll probably sound rather defensive here, this has been a long drawn out thing with us, so I apologize in advance if I do.
BM wanted these restrictions on her phone BEFORE any of this happened. BM used to be a very very lienent parent. Then her now husband moved in. He does not approve of TV for children at all, so BM canceled their cable. He does not approve of internet usage at all. The children are not allowed near computers. He does not approve of the phone at all, BM doesn't think SD should even HAVE a cellphone.
DH and I believe in allowing a child to be responsible. SD is a very responsible child, MOST of the time. We monitor what she's doing because that's what a responsible parent does. But we don't believe in cutting off our noses to spite our face. BM encourages SD to have boyfriends. While DH and I both believe SD SHOULD have known better than to get involved with a 17 year old boy, BM encourages her to talk to the opposite sex. Fine. SD now knows it's wrong. She has been punished appropriately. DH and I don't believe in socially stunting SD because she made a mistake. That's what happens when you are a teenager. You make mistakes and you learn from them. You can't learn from your mistakes if 1) you aren't allowed to make any or 2) You are not given SOME personal freedoms.
That being said, the text messages are monitored and DH and I are not naive, thinking she's being little miss perfect. We know she's a teenager and she's going to do dumb shit because that's what teens do. I think BM's limits are ridiculous. DH does as well. I understand that others think it's not and that's fine. BM has already advised us that WE would not be included in those six numbers. It would be her, her husband, her mother, and three of her friends. We have never sought to cut BM out of SD's life and that is part of the reason we are not giving up the phone.
BM's issue is with control. She still wants to control DH and what DH does. That's what it boils down to. She wants to dictate what DH does and DH doesn't allow it. That's all this is.
DH and I aren't going to do what BM does. We think our restrictions are reasonable. She was punished for six whole months from the phone for making this bad decision (which was one of the very very first things she's ever really done wrong). SD makes straight A's in school. She does what she is supposed to. She VERY RARELY ever gets in trouble. She made a bad choice and she was punished for the bad choice.
I compare it to putting the
I compare it to putting the kids in bubbles and not letting them out until their 18. LOL.
We totally get there is some crap on TV that isn't cool. For example, I personally hate that show FRED. It's banned at our house. But we're pretty nerdy, and we allow them to watch Big Bang Theory (as long as we are present). I also allow the girls to watch Walking Dead. That's just who we are. I laugh sometimes because we've been accused of being Disney parents after statements such as that but we aren't.
The internet at our house, we have passcodes on so they can't get on when no one's around. If one of them gets on the computer, we walk past every once in a while to make sure they aren't doing anything fishy and that's that. None of them have Facebooks. But when they do, you better believe we'll have the passwords.
The e-mail thing pissed me off the worst. I actually am the one that monitors the e-mail but I hadn't been because she was grounded from it. Turns out MY BD was allowing her the use of her iTouch to check her e-mail. Needless to say my BD lost her iTouch for aiding and abetting her step-sister. She's got it back now, but I passcoded that damn thing too.
Teens are just SO MUCH FUN.....*barf*
LOL! I swear to god, the day
LOL! I swear to god, the day of her 13th birthday, I had a full fledged panic attack. Just the word teenager was enough to bring me to tears.
Parenting is terrifying by itself, much less to a teenage GIRL. And I'm not even her damn biological parent!!! And my BD is right behind her. *head* *desk*
Also, because she's had one
Also, because she's had one bad judgement call, we don't believe we should cut off her text messages totally.
She has been warned, as I said before, that if this becomes a problem again, we will turn the phone of completely and let BM have her way.
We believe SD should be given the chance to prove she's learned her lesson.
What did your husband do\say
What did your husband do\say to the boy?
That's not really the concern
That's not really the concern here as the boy is not in our control.
BM had charges filed against the kid for statutory rape. I don't agree with that but again, not the issue.
I would also suggest that you
I would also suggest that you think about taking the data plan off of her phone entirely. We did that after SD(then 14) sent naked pics of herself out into the world. With no internet, email, or picture message capabilities on the phone, it becomes more difficult for her to do sneaky shit like that. The more parental controls and monitoring on phones, the better, IMO.
There is no "taking off the
There is no "taking off the data plan". As I stated above, I already had the internet blocked by another means, which is a "data block". This block also incorporates picture messaging.
I see. That makes sense. The
I see. That makes sense. The pictures are the thing I always worry about most, and it sounds like you've got that covered.
We do not allow data on our
We do not allow data on our kids phones either. I think it sounds as if she were grounded for a significant period of time. We are not talking a week or two here. My dd, who is now 15, made a couple mistakes when she was around 13 as well. No naked pics, or any of that nonsense, but allowing a boy to speak in an explicit manner to her. She was grounded from facebook for months and the smart limits were put on her phone-we allowed her 10 numbers that she could call and text to and from-4 of them were family-so she was able to chose 6 approved girlfriends to text or call-these limits remained on there for about 6 months. Right now we set time limits with her-shut off at 9pm on weeknights, midnight on weekends. She hates it, but I dont want her staying up all night.
At the same time, my ds13 has no limits on his phone (other than no data which he doesnt care about). Why does he have no limits? Because he hasnt messed up. I hope he never does. If he does, we will take action.
Bottom line, is that none of the above really matters. This is your home, your phone, your plan-you and your dh get to decide what limits you want to put on their. BM only has the right to limit things in her home. I guess if she wants to take the phone from sd every time she is there and then just give it to her to make calls in her presence-really I guess that's up to her. But other than that its none of her business. I wouldnt even respond to her nonsense.
"This is your home, your
"This is your home, your phone, your plan-you and your dh get to decide what limits you want to put on their. BM only has the right to limit things in her home. I guess if she wants to take the phone from sd every time she is there and then just give it to her to make calls in her presence-really I guess that's up to her. But other than that its none of her business."
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I'm proud of DH for not engaging her over it. She was freaking out about the 3k limit, stating she was "concerned because thats 100 text messages a DAY!!!" DH just responded "That's the limit she CAN text, not what she's actually texting" and she started in with her demands again. DH just ignored her. It's not her business. And if she e-mails about it, he's already said he's simply going to tell her "I decided on what I feel are reasonable restrictions for SD's phone. This is not up for discussion. Period." and let her crazy fly.
I didn't read the comments,
I didn't read the comments, so forgive me if I repeat something. I go with our local homeland security agents to the middle schools and give talks over the dangers of the Internet and cell phones. One of the things we mention in our presentation that I was taken aback by the first time, is that a cell phone never needs to go in the bathroom. There is nothing in there that needs to be photographed, and no conversations that HAVE to be done in there are decent conversations....now my personal life...psych sd13 has been busted twice being extremely inappropriate on her phone with boys. Sd LOVES every boy that says she has nice tits (that's a quote). We put a program on her phone that controls all the things you did, with very similar restrictions. In addition, it logs her texts. She didn't believe us, hence getting busted. Bm thinks we are invading her privacy. I think we are doing everything parentally possible to not be a grandmother to a 13 year olds kid at the age of 30. I remember being her age well. I also remember that if I wanted to do something inappropriate, I had to say the words. Texting puts a new spin on things. We had a long, very frank talk. The usual pregnancy and stds scary stuff, but also the fact that when sd talks inapprpriately to boys, she puts herself into situations she can no longer control, and eventually one of these boys may try to call her bluff. Not all boys are nice, and she needs to be smarter to not become a victim and a statistic, we mentioned how hard it would be to go to court and try to say it was rape, when there are months of text messages where she is talking about being sexually frustrated and wanting him to help her out. That part I think had the most impact. It was a side she hadn't thought about.
These girls today, in good circumstances, feel a lot of pressure to act and talk trashy. They think boys like it. I'm sure some of these little boys do. I've tried to make a difference clear to my sd between boys who will use her and throw her away, and boys who will actually be there for her and support her in other ways. To make them work for her attention, not give it freely.
Has any of this helped, probably not. My sd has issues. She has no real emotions. But I think if someone had sat me down and had a frank talk with me at that age, it would have really impacted me. Good luck, it's a hard balance to trust, and keep them safe when they don't use their head. Just please make sure she is aware of the dangers. My step daughter will still argue that she does not have a urethra. She doesn't even unserstand how her body works, though we've sat down and looked at diagrams, she's taken sex Ed, etc.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with everything you said.
SD started to dress slutty when she first got into middle school (and started interacting with boys a lot more). BM was buying the clothes and DH had multiple conversations with BM about it, but she said there was nothing wrong with the clothes at all (apparently having your boobs hang out is appropriate!). Anyway, I sat her down and had a talk with her about the same thing. How boys are sometimes stupid (haha) and they may see you strutting around with your boobs out and figure you are just asking for it. You MUST want them to mess with you. And then bad things happen and we discussed the bad things.
Guess who's not showing her tatas anymore.