Sounds like good rules to me. Personally though I would not want BM to have pictures of me at her house and would let SD take pictures of just her dad (or her dad and herself). 

Well, I wouldn't give "rules" to my husband. I would call them "boundaries."

I only have issues with one of these and it's because I'm not sure why you don't want to be called by your name. You are not her aunt. You are not her mom or mama. My skids called me by my first name and it never once meant that they didn't have to respect me.

look. I'm all fro rules and boundaries. But i think you're going a bit too far with a few things.

Especially since text messaging (as long as you trust your hubby) is better than phone calls when it comes to keeping records. And maybe SD will want to be close to her siblings and misses them when she's gone.  What do you think she's going to do with a picture of your bios???

I agree with a lot of your other stuff, but I thnk take a moment to breathe and really think about what matters to you and what is or is not important in this scenerio.

Obviously BM has no say in your household, and obviously she shouldn't be at your place. Once SD hits highschool, if she chooses spots and stuff (or has friends), it's going to be hard for there to be 2 cellphones and 2 numbers hanging around.

One thing to remember... SD didn't pick this anymore than you did.  SD didn't pick her parents, and I doubt she chose for her BM to track down your DH. SD is a child, and until she starts acting out maliciously against you or your bios (which has happened, but isn't 100%) she's a child of your DH.  Don't treat her like an outsider just becuase she was unplanned.  She's probably just as lost in all this as you are.

Think if you present these to your husband you are probably looking for trouble to be honest. I do 100% agree that you should have boundaries in place but in family and in marriage things eb and flow. Being rigid will only leave you hurt. 

For example, if his parenting time falls during a time where you are at your families nudest thing- and SD can't go- then he needs to take care of his daughter. You can either go without him or you can stay home too. I believe that you have to prioritize your marriage as being first but your children are your first responsibility. He has to take care of her. 

That being said, you are not the babysitter. I think that he should find a daycare for her if he is not going to be home. Yes that will cost you more money but his child shouldn't be treated as a 2nd class citizen either. 

I am very southern and my kids called my husband Mr. ____ until we got married. Now they refer to him as <firstname>. I was Ms. JMTB for a while too, then it naturally went away. There comes a point where it is ok to let the formality leave, you may not be there yet, but once again being rigid and distant to her is really going to leave out and you hurt. No decent father would stand for it. 

You husband seems like a good man who is trying to make you as comfortable as possible in this. He was as blindsided by this woman as you were. Trust him to do the right thing, to take care of you and respect you. But if you keep pushing this child away and punishing her, you may be the one left behind. This isn't her fault. Her mom sucks, but that is all and she didn't get to choose her parents. 

I have comments with each of the rules... as a step parent you are not obligated to accomodate or pay for his child.. he is.

and.. I'm sure this is a shock... but the child is 6 years old.. and she is your child's sister... and she didn't ask for these adults to creat this crazy situation.  A little more empathy and warmth might be in order for her... she didnt make this happen.  If you can't watch her without losing your cool... your husband needs to find alternate childcare.

General Rules.

1. I cannot be held to any custody agreement they have whatsoever. I am not responsible for pick-ups, contact, or asking permission for anything. 

Sure, this is his child and he is the one that must adhere to his custody order.  You are not required to pay for his child.. or babysit his child etc... You shouldn't interfere with his ability to participate as her parent.. and shouldn't prevent him from meeting his obligations as her parent.  but You. personally.. do not have to facilitate anything.

1a. If he's denied permission for anything, like my family's July 4th gathering because it is held at a family owned nudist campground) he is responsible for making sure he's still there. I am not a single mother. 

This you may lose on... if her mother will not allow her to go to this type of resort (I know not a den of sin.. but if she objects to the nudity).. I think it's likely her mother can make that call.. and if 4th of july falls on his custody time.. he may need to not take her.. so you may have to accept that if you will do nothing to accomodate her existance.. he may do things without you so that he can meet HIS obligations to her.. which will in all likelihood be much smaller in scope than those to you.. so you are still winning.

2. I do not have to hear anything about this woman's opinion of me, and I can act freely. I will not be changing the way I breastfeed or anything to do with my bios care (ie. If I want to have more kids and I want a homebirth, I am allowed to do so without her input, regardless of what SD might see). 

It's none of her business how you run your home really... except when you directly interact with her child and you cannot do that in an abusive way.

2a. This doesn't change my family options. SD's existence is not allowed to affect if I can have more children, or anything else that having a child outside of our marriage might affect in family decision making.

In theory.. yes.. in reality.. her existance is a financial obligation for your husband.. it may limit resources.. so decisions to have kids.. may at some point be impacted... you don't have the right to dictate what he does with his resources with no input from him.  certainly his family.. his ex don't get to be part of this decision.. but you also don't have unilateral rights to dictate this... he should have input too.

3. I do not have to contact this woman or hear from her for any reason. If there is an emergency, I contact my husband first, and he contacts this woman. Her number will be blocked in my phone.

Since you are not going to participate in drop offs etc.. no real reason for you to ever need to contact her or vice versa.

4. The phone to contact BM for SD calls and emergencies will be a burner phone with no text capabilities. All formal contact will be through email. 

Maybe use the my family wizard program.... it may accomplish what you want.  obv for emergencies they should have the ability to reach each other.

5. Pick-ups stay public, and she is not allowed in my house. If I see her there, I WILL assume she is breaking in and I will call the police. 

BM should not need to be in your home.

6. I realize that I will probably have to watch her more than a typical schedule because I'm not working right now and my husband works weird hours, however, I am not responsible for schoolwork or more than basic care. My child is my priority, and I WILL NOT put them second!

In the short term that should work fine.. in the longer term.. maybe think about going back to work.. then your husband may have resources freed up (now paying your portion of bills) to hire childcare so you won't have to do any childcare period.

Rules specifically for SD:

1. SD cannot call me by my first name or a casual nickname. She can call me Aunt [first name], Ms. [first name], or Mom/Mama [first name tacked on or not]. 

2. Cellphones from her biological mother's will be confiscated until she goes back. We will give her a phone for our time when she is in middle school, just like our biological kids. 

a 6 yo shouldn't need to have a cell phone.. if you go with the burner phone option.... they can use that to make calls to mommy if they are stipulated in the Custody order.  her phone can stay with mom.

3. Any pictures she gets will have both me and my husband in them, and she can not take back any pictures of my biological kid(s). 

I don't agree with the first part of this...  you spend pretty much the entirety of this post stipulating how she will not be a "full member" child of your household.. and have zero to do with you etc... then you want her to include Ms..XXX in all her pictures. why.?  makes no sense other than you want to have her take pics back to rub in mom's face somehow.  I can see that you would prefer for BM to not have access to pics of your child (or children in the future).. but they are siblings to your daughter.. as they get older.. they may end up being close and this rule may be difficult to enforce.

Some of these are a little over the top.  For example, why can't SD have a pic of just herself and her dad?  Why do you have to be in all of them?

Also, the 4th of July example.  Not sure if BM would have the final call on that, but if it's his parenting time and SD cannot attend, then he would have to stay back with her.  He's a parent to her just as much as he is to your bio.  You could all stay back and do your own 4th of July thing. 

Yikes, this sucks for you.

I'd suggest rather than "rules", you sit down with your husband and express your concerns about BM's intrusion into your home and the fact that you want more children and are not willing to have that disrupted. Then address other concerns as they come up. Marriage counseling might help a lot. 

I'd also suggest that you get a job of some kind (when you can) so that you are ARE able to leave if you need to leave the situation.

married couples often go to separate events.

there are plenty of inlaw events i do not go to such as birthday parties, engagements or wedding ceremonies and receptions because 1 of my kids isn’t feeling well, we are about to fly overseas for a holiday or i am exhausted with university studies etc. These are inlaws i am very close and friendly with too. 

I do not lay down an ultimatum that hubby attends blah blah blah or neither does my husband lay down an ultimatum “i am not a single man and you will come!!” 

My husband is a senior vp in the finance industry and really high up, he goes to plenty of events that spouses attend but he is comfortable with me staying at home and he tries to get those events done asap sp he can get home quickly  and these are often every month or 2.

also i am part asian and its very disrespectful to call your stepparent by a first name. You acknowledge their title, stepmum or stepdad... my ss who was 20 at the time told his dad i was a stranger and thats why he won’t acknowledge me and pretend i and my 2 kids with hubby, do not exist. Ss lives in our marital home. My husband was furious and told him that i was not a stranger and a mother to 2 of his kids...

part of being in a marriage or committed relationship is that you need to compromise. You agree to disagree and compromise. Don’t be too rigid in things and control everything.

so your family are doing a 4th july celebration, woopdidoo.. we don’t celebrate that in australia (where i am from), you wanna go then so be it. 

But your husband has every right to support the bio mums concerns that sd is not brought there as this is a serious boundary issue of bio mum if she is a more modest woman who doesn’t see nudist camps as natual or normal like you do. Where i am from there is no such thing as a nudist camp and you would get arrested for parading nude in public or even private camp grounds if its something tge public can attend. You don’t have the right to force your partner bring sd because your ego as a mother can’t handle him not being there. To be honest i would be mortified seeing a crapload of nude people running around as an under 10 yr old kid because i was not exposed to that as normal, i did not grow up in a country that saw this as normal and it was very illegal where i am from. So i can empathise with bio mum not being at all comfortable for sd to be made to attend this... 

There is alot of resentment here you are projecting on sd as such an inconvenience and bio mum being controlling. She exists, you are with your partner and whether you like it or not sd exists for the rest of her life... 

I just want to say i am so very sorry for what you are going through. You married your husband and have a new baby, and now, during what is a very emotional and stressful time (new motherhood), you had the bombshell of the SD as well as the fact that your husband is going for near half custody. I have heard of situations where a previous one-night stand came forward in such a way, but in the case of my friend, the husband did not seek as much custody. The husband paid child support, and saw the child on holidays and summers, but since the child had gone through years without him already they didn't jump to a schedule that disrupted everyone's life so drastically. Half (or near half) joint custody is probably the most disruptive you can get, amd it involves not only accepting the child but accepting the mother, a brief fling of your husband that you probably never heard of before, in your life on a very regular and permanent basis. That's a very tough pill to swallow.

A lot of people are judging you and saying you are being too harsh. I don't know where your husband is in all this, but if he is making major decisions on this without your input, your feeings may be justified.

I would suggest that you need to be a part of making the custody schedule from the outset. My ex husband's family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, so it's in the CO that the kids are always with him on that day. Maybe you guys can work that into your CO, that the child is always with her mother on the 4th. You were married to your husband when this bombshell dropped. You two should be a unit when making decisions about your home. There is no precedent of him having a coparenting relationship with her that doesn't involve you. If he respects this, maybe you will not feel so defensive regarding the child and the mother.

As far as what she calls you, i know some people have strong opinions on this. My SO comes from a culture where this is a big deal. I don't. My kids and nieces and nephews call him Mr. ****. It matters to him and nobody is hurt by respecting this.

As far as the photos and cell phone, idk. It seems a little early to worry about those things, but i'm not you. I just think that if your husband and you act as a unit when making decisions and you are included, things may go more smoothly. Couples counseling will definitely help as well as individual. If that happened to me i would probably be angry at my DH for being so irresponsible as to have a kid and not know for so long, and angry at the BM for just showing up and dropping this at your doorstep. That poor child, too, has to have her life turned completely upside down due to the irresponsibility of her parents. In this situation, the person most like you as far as responsibility and being forced to change, is her. You share a lot in common, as both of you are casualties of her parents actions. 

Your boundaries for the most part sound fairly normal. Instinctively (as all of us humans are) you want to protect, guard the family.

It's human nature....it is the way it is. The family you believed you have, now, has someone from outside the clan.

1. burner phone is fine and should not be any problem in court.  However, a Judge may suggest email contact too. So be ready for that.

2. Pick UP and drops, in public place--reasonable.

3. What should a child call you....by your first name OR here in the south, often times it is Miss so and so or Mr so and so.  Aunt,,you are not an aunt so do not name yourself as Aunt Blah blah.

4. About visitation when your husband is not at home...hmmmm, no. He should be there.  Visitation is between parent and bio child. Not child and step parent. Some times...ok, dad will be home in 30mins. That is different.

When he can not adjust his work schedule he will need to 1. change work hours or 2. change visitation.

5. Lets chat nudist camps and bf'ing. Plan your mini vacations around visitation. Poof problem solved. About Breast Feeding---My kids were bf until their first birthday..  I never wanted my skids or anyone else for that matter to see my boobs.  Dad will have to figure out how to distract his older child during feeding time.

6. totally agree with the cell phone thing. We did not allow it either.

7. Photos...you decision I guess. I would not want photos of me taken to bm. Totally agree with no pictures of your bio child.

Boundaries---a better word. Not rules.

Knowing what I know---I find it unusual the courts where you are just said HERE...here is visitation and here are overnights your childs name is XYZ.. Mr. Dad.

How is your step child doing???

Hang in there.

I think you need to take a step back and breathe. You need to come to terms with the fact that your DH has another child and that will NOT change. To your DH that child is equal to your child together and as such should be treated by him as such. I haven't seen from your post that this child is problematic so I am going off that when I say that she deserves to be love and accepted by family. She is your DH's family. If you push too hard you may end up losing your DH or have a SD that is very resentful and bitter when she may have otherwise been a problem, free kid. (I am not saying the latter is a definite but you should be kind to her until a situation arise) Just think futuristically for a second, if you are hostile to her from the outset, when she is hostile it will be because you don't like her. Your DH will know your ill feelings and it will backfire. However, if you are kind and she becomes hostile, you can always say you tried.

You have to accept that the life you thought you were going to have with your DH has changed. Perhaps some counselling can help you to accept that. But, if it is something you cannot live with walk away. You mentioned previously that you are afraid that you will lose custody. That is NOT true. Do not let untruths keep you in an unhappy situation. As a breastfeeding mom, the best interest of the child is to be with you. But, I will advise that you perhaps rethink having yet another child right now until you have resolve the issue of is this the life I want to have. Don't make life harder on you to leave if you choose to, by having another child. Give yourself room for independence, by getting a job as well. Perhaps, when you see a future where you are self-supporting you may have a clearer vision for your life. 

I strongly advise that you insist that this child be in day-care whenever her father is not around. Especially, when you start unpacking your emotions because this child deserves to be respect and kindness. Perhaps with greater introspection you may realise what is driving this need to be in control and to be rigid.

Be honest with DH about your expectations but also be open-minded. Don't let short term gains cost you long term aims. One day, your SD will have her own life and a lot of the rules above will not matter. So think more long term. Remember it’s not about winning the battle but winning the war. And the war is the marriage!

If you don't mind my "bottom lining it", it sounds like you really need to deal with the underlying issue rather than distracting yourself with the details.  At the heart of this is that you are PISSED at your husband and want to rip his head clean off.  You were living your life exactly as you wanted and along came the Ghost of One-Night Stands Past and screwed everything up essentially forever.  You will never get away from this girl even if you were to get divorced because your child is this kid's sibling and will be raised with her for at least some of the time and will have to share whatever resources your husband brings in.

Somehow you are going to have to find a way to process your anger before it eats you alive.  All of these rules and trying to control how things will work are simply a way to cope with the fury that you have not yet been able to fully deal with.  You may need to consult a therapist on your own for a while and then bring your husband in.  Or maybe take some time away by yourself with your baby and let him deal with his new daughter. 

This is his past coming back to haunt him and he needs to step up and deal with it and that includes your very reasonable anger.  How would he feel if suddenly the police turned up on your doorstep with a warrant for your arrest for a minor crime you had committed a decade ago that you thought was long resolved but you had been considered a "fugitive" all this time and now you were in serious trouble?  Or the IRS came calling for back taxes that you had neglected to pay and suddenly your joint finances were thrown into chaos due to the interest?   He would not be all "that's OK honey - I love you so much - no biggie!!!"  That is not how normal people react when their world is turned on its head.  I have a feeling that you would be much more relaxed about this if you were able to work through your shock and anger and get some resolution.

I just wonder OP how you will handle the issues if this BM turns out to be HC?  You can set all the rules you want, but she will find ways.  She can drag your DH back to court over and over again, causing financial and emotional turmoil.  She can call CPS on you over and over again.  This will definitely cause upheaval.  She can also attempt to alienate this child and use her to cause problems in your home and marriage.

You can set all the rules you want for your DH, but you are going to have a tough time making BM follow them.  You are probably going to pi$$ off BM.  You may not care now, but she may make you pay for it later.  She has nothing to lose.  She has raised this child alone for six years.  You, on the other hand, have alot to lose.  According to you, you would lose custody if you were to divorce.  That puts you in a vulnerable position.   As a SM who has.dealt with crazy, my advice is to be open to the fact that this is probably not going to be smooth sailing.

Is compromise. You compromise with time, family events, and alot of other things... 

op trying to control things, trying to control sd’s relationship with her, her visits with her dad etc will eventually turn you into a hcgubm... seriously just don’t go there hun... because for those of us living a life with our partners exwives or ex partners who are hcgubm, its a horrible life, it never ends and you just disengage.

if being a stepmum was something you never ever wanted the risk of, checking into your husband or partners lifestyle pre-you being in the picture is so important. Just taking their word on things which leads to surprises and now you mad as heck, resentful and just going overboard controlling him.

i say this from experience, for those of us with partners who have crazy high conflict exwives, the last thing they need or want is their current partner pulling the same crazy shi#!!

I read this list differently to most here.

I see it as pretty much what we advocate most of the time anyway. Limiting SM-BM contact, limiting the affect that BM can have on our homes, drawing lines about what we are and are not willing to do to help our partners and expecting step kids to fit in with our lives and show us basic respect. If half of the relationships we read about on here had started with some clear boundaries then most of the issues would be delt with straight away rather than years later step parents turning around and resenting the influence of the BM in their lives, resenting the parental expectations of partners and fed up of the disrsepect from their step kids 

Of course life and court orders and difficult BM's may mean that some things will have to change and compromises be made, but starting with a good base of expectations is better than walking blindly into the many traps of step parenthood.