this is my first blog.
Is it wrong of me to ask my husband to not have visitation with his kids at our home anymore. everytime ss5 and ss7 come for visitation i am the one who has the joy of spending my entire day everyday " entertaining " them. while he is at work. and the second he gets home he realizes how hard they are to deal with and sends them to bed. this sends me over the edge. and me and bs3 end up leaving the house making it so my husband HAS to spend time with them. not to mention. since my husband is always working their BM often calls my personal cellphone to speak to the children. she is a horrible human being and i hate that she has my phone number so i often dont answer, my husband gets angry when i dont. and i just say that the custody order does not state that i have to make my phone available to her. however, it does state that she has to answer my phone calls to speak with the children so that they can speak with me and their half brother. but she has never once answered. so im just reciprocating the behavior. i am fed up.
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I don't think you should tell
I don't think you should tell your DH that his children aren't allowed in your (joint) home. I do, however, think you need to have a serious conversation with him about what visitation is all about. It's so HE can spend time with HIS kids. You shouldn't be babysitting them all the time if you don't want to.
Of course, I'm the bitch and think that if your DH is working so much to support you and BS and you don't contribute financially to the household, then you should help HIM out with the skids, but most posters disagree with me. I think if he has to be working so much to support you, then you should get a job and let him be home sometimes with his kids. Those kids do, in fact, need a father.
If you work, of course this doesn't apply.
I agree that jumping right to
I agree that jumping right to "they are not allowed over anymore" is sorta wrong. You should tell him how you feel. You are not a babysitter.
SAF, I very much disagree with the second part here. It doesn't say in her post she doesn't work. All it says is he works during his visitation. He needs to rearrange his schedule at work or rearrange visitation so he can spend time with the kids.
I don't think the OP has ANY obligation whatsoever to watch kids that are not hers, regardless of who makes what or contributes what to the household. This could be the arguement in any household. "I make $10,000 dollars more than you a year, therefore you need to be home with the kids more or do this/that for the kids." Especially since the kids in this post are her STEPkids. She has every reason to be pissed here.
If you share your home with
If you share your home with your husband, I think you'll have a hard time convincing him to take his visitation elsewhere.
However, you are not a babysitter. You have every right to tell him that he needs to find alternate care plans if he is not going to be home during his scheduled visitation. If that means the kids have to stay with BM, then so be it. It's meant to be the kids' time with their FATHER.
If he gets angry, oh well. It's not fair to you that he dumps them on you. If he was home with the kids, the phone issue wouldn't even exist. He should not put you in a situation where you are forced to deal with BM directly. His kids, his choice to procreate with her, his problem.
It is wrong for you not to
It is wrong for you not to allow your s/kids to come into your home. HOWEVER, it is not wrong for you to tell your DH that as long as he is working you are not the substitute parent. He needs to be there to take care of his kids or make other arrangements.
Get a separate Tracfone for the kids that stays at your place. When their mother calls they can pick it up. And when DH or you call them you use this line. It will be worth the $30 every 3 months. I do find it odd that she cannot call your phone yet she has to answer your calls. After all, you are the SM not the bio parent. Why are you calling a 5 and 7 yr old? Isn't this their father's job?
if your dh isn't home, you
if your dh isn't home, you shouldn't be watching his kids unless you WANT to. otherwise, resentment builds. since you've already been doing this, it's going to shake up your marriage to assert yourself in doing this now. these are NOT your children, they are there to visit their father. if you take care of this one major problem, bm should not be calling you anymore, but who gives a shit if he gets angry? i'd change my phone number at the very least. there are two kinds of women: those willing to be a doormat because they are dependant on their dh and those who will not be shat upon because they don't HAVE to and can support themselves if need be. i hope you are the latter. NEVER BE AFRAID OF LOSING A MAN.
I would have to agree with
I would have to agree with SAF on this one. If you have a house phone, there's no reason BM should have your cell. Get a cheap house landline and give her the number so she can talk to the skids and block her from you cell.
If you're not working and contributing to the household, I get that you should probably help him with the kids, but don't quite understand the reason behind his visitation schedule falling during his work hours.
Don't the skids have school? What is the visitation schedule?
Wow I actually kinda agree
Wow I actually kinda agree with SAF too!! Maybe its the drugs!! I don't work and DH works his ass off for us so I never ask him to do anything for any of the kids. If I worked then different story.
Quality time vs Quantity
Quality time vs Quantity time.
I tried to have this conversation with my DH last summer, failed miserably - it ended with DH stating he will NEVER give up time with his kids.
Well DH - YOUR kids get here 3-4 days a week starting around 3pm, YOU DH don't get home until well past 630 to which we sit and eat the ready made meal and at 8 you put them to bed.
I really do not see the reason his kids need to spend the first 3-3.5 hours with me waiting for DH to be home when BM lives less than 10 mins from us and DH drives 1 block from her house on his way home from work - he could easily swing by and pick up his kids and have the same amount of TIME.
I tried to nicely explain his kids being in the joint home is not visiting if he is not here to spend the time with them.
I wanted to explore a better schedule which would have given DH more actual kid to parent quality time. I came to the crashing conclusion over the course of the conversation that DH doesn't want to spend the time - he wants to fulfill his obligation to 'have' his kids 50% of the time but in reality only spend 20% of that time with them - so he likes to say and show they are 'with him' for 50% but that is not true - they are with me 30% or more of that time and i have my own 2 bios which I would like to be able to spend undivided time with.
Ah well.
Good luck.
I had the same conversation
I had the same conversation with DH and at first he shot it down too. After pointing out that having SD during the week really doesn't make much sense as he'd pick her up after work and get home around 6:30, we'd eat dinner, then she'd shower and go to her room for the remainder of the night - we "revisited" the Quality vs. Quantity talk. He was way more receptive after he asked her what SHE wanted to do and she agreed that weekends were better.
Of course, that's not the situation now, but my point was maybe DH will see it after you point out the fact that the kids don't even SEE him and you'd rather have time alone with your bios?
my husband just got a new job
my husband just got a new job in a different state so i uprooted my life and quit my job to move with him. i am an RN and have not yet taken a job because the SKids have been here since october and wont be leaving until january. ( we moved in late august). so even though i've had 6 job offers i cant take them because my husband works 12 hours a day and his kids have nowhere to go. BS3 is in preschool. i just dont know what else to do. i feel like my life has been completely put on hold.
In my opinion, you have every
In my opinion, you have every right to get yourself a job if you want one! Those are HIS kids and he needs to take every responsibility to make sure he can care for them and he shouldn't expect you to at all. If they were your own kids that would be different. You might even enjoy staying at home with your own kids, but NO ONE would enjoy being a stay at home mom to SKIDS. No fricking thank you.
My mom does daycare so the 3 days a week I work, my son goes to her daycare. Then I'm home during the week with my son. I am very lucky about that because I don't have to pay her a daycare fee. Anyway, my SO pays full time daycare for his son for the weeks he has him. He asked me if I would be willing to let his son stay at home with me on my days off so he wouldn't have to pay for daycare full time. I said HELL TO THE NO (as nicely as possible). I don't want to spend any more time with him than I am forced to. I cherish those days at home with my son. I am not a child care service.
And I'm an RN too by the
Easy. You take one of those
Easy.
You take one of those offers, and the kids go to childcare.
Just like in most dual income homes.
I think it's unwise to put your life and plans on hold for someone else.
Also, if the kids are LIVING there with you for another two months, how would you suggest your DH not have them in his home??
After school care. The only
After school care.
The only result of my conversations with DH over the summer was that I told him I cannot break my work day 3 days a week to pick his son up from school where BM moved him. I cannot do it anymore - its simply too much to ask. There is after school care facilities available and that is where he should be. He can play with friends. That is where he WOULD be if I was not in the picture anyway.
DH wasn't happy about it. It is the one thing I held my ground on.
Your skids can go to after school care.
No CS. BM was ordered to pay
No CS. BM was ordered to pay DH $130 a month but he waived it.
I have a job, I work - always have, but now I work from home vs the office. Its rare I have to be physically in the office now - only time to time or the odd trip to a client site here and there these days. I pay 50% of all our bills as does DH - so free babysitting shouldn't be included.
I have since the summer tried to take every opportunity I can to FORCE him to be with his kids - alone. The problem is that I have 2 bios here who only spend EOW with their dad - so my responsibility to my own kids often makes it impossible for me to just up and leave the house or 'not' make dinner or 'not' be available.
BM doesn't want her kids - the only reason its 50-50 at this point is because any less for BM and would really have to anti up. She has outright said she doesn't want her children more than 48 hours at a time because its "too much work". um - ok.
So DH acts out of guilt too I think - BM doesn't want her own children and so he feels obligated - great, fine, whatever - then make proper arrangements... sigh
the step kids were enrolled
the step kids were enrolled in year round school so the get awkward breaks , and since BM is moving out of state and doesnt want to deal with them while she's moving she has decided we get to keep them . technically their first semester of school is already completed.
xtina, my husband really isnt
xtina, my husband really isnt "forcing" me to be their sole caregiver, but it has morphed into that somehow. i want him to have the ability to see his children as often and as long as possible as they live clear across the country so visits are when they are not in school. i.e, holiday breaks, sping and summer breaks etc. i just dont feel like its fair that i have to be the one that is constantly available. and to an earlier post, i dont call to talk to the skids i do however occassionally want them to be able to talk on the phone or skype with their half brother who, when we had custody, became very close. but the BM NEVER EVER EVER answers my calls. so i just am reciprocating her behavior. she calls every single day twice a day. she isnt even concerned about there well being she is one of those moms who just wants to hear that they are having a miserable time and miss her. which they never say.... like the last time they spoke ( i had them write letters to santa and they each received a letter from santa) the skids were very excited about getting a letter from santa so she in turn told them everything she had purchased for them for christmas and that when they came back they could have them.
You need to make your hubby
You need to make your hubby and his ex realize two things:
1. YOU are not the free babysitter. Pay for child care like most parents.
2. YOU are not to be contacted by BM. There is no way in HELL I would allow BM to have my cell phone number. You can do Google Voice or MagicJack. I liked the MagicJack because if/when they leave a voice mail, it sends you an email as well letting you know there is a message left.
If you are scared of him getting mad, then you need to reassess your relationship and your position in it. Marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
TAKE A JOB OFFER!
OK if they are going to be
OK if they are going to be living with you full time do you expect your husband to quit his job and be a stay at home parent to the kids? If so, accept a job offer and go back to work. He can quit working and be the stay at home parent to all 3 kids while you work.
...or you could get a job and put the kids in daycare like the majority of working parents do.
BM has my cellphone number
BM has my cellphone number from the original court order when my husband and i had custody where it stated we both were to keep her apprised of our phone numbers so she could contact the children. now she just calls my husbands phone and if he doesnt answer she calls mine...repeatedly. so i think the home phone idea is a great idea . im definitely not afraid of my husband. i was the person who originally talked him in to fighting for custody in the first place as i had no children when we met and youngest ss now 5 almost six in jan was less than 10 months old when we met and i had bonded to him. then shit happened.( read my bio) she attacked me in court and called up every ex boyfriend ive ever had and i had one harassing me and my family on fb calling me a baby killer. it was horrible. then we got custody but she appealed it and after a year and a half in court she got them. so they have only lived with her being CP for about a year. but the skids arent the same and my DH and i feel as if theyve been ruined. i just feel bad for hubby because i know he loves them but i cant deal with them. and i think deep down i still love them .
i guess no i didnt need the
i guess no i didnt need the people to tell me these things i just wanted it looked at from an outside perspective. because i am clearly biased as this is my life. thanks though everyone for all the input