So Peaceful
SS13 went home one week ago today. BM never sent the email, blowing up on DH for SS' accusations. Following the visit, DH and I had a long conversation about what our future with SS is heading towards and ways we can reduce his impact in our home, while raising our kids away from that toxicity.
DH decided that he was done calling SS twice weekly, as it tends to be disruptive to our weekly schedule, we are planning a lot around those calls, and SS really doesn't say much anyways. DH understood why it was important when SS was younger, but now that he is older, it's having the opposite effect. DH decided he will only call on Sunday nights going forward. If SS wants more contact than that, he has DH's phone number and can call or text DH whenever he feels like it (DH hasn't heard from SS at all since he left). So DH tried this new plan last night, and after a week of no contact with SS, the call only lasted 9 minutes and that was with DH doing all of the talking. After the call, DH said that solidified his decision to only call once per week.
Otherwise, things have been peaceful since SS' departure. We are back to our normal routine and DD3 is doing fine without having him around. I had therapy last week to process all the events from our visit and feel a lot better. Now we can focus on enjoying the rest of our summer.
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You are giving me flashbacks
My skids PASed out at ages stb 11, stb 9 and a year later YSS stb7 due to a guerilla scorched earth PAS warfare campaign on the BM and her family's side which included steering the youngest one away at a school play so he wouldn't see us attending-- thus cementing her narrative that we couldn't bother to show. And many many other tricks, deceptions and bald face lies that your BM and all the other ones have pulled on this site.
Before they all called CPS on us and lied their behinds off with the coaching of the Girhippo, who at the time worked for CPS (conflict of interest), I used to do mental backflips seeing the back of their heads drive away up my driveway. back to the mothership.
The peaceful atmosphere came pouring in. They stopped calling about 2 years before that and when Chef would call of course it was on speaker phone with the Girhippo listening to every word and coaching them through their monosyllabic answers.
I wish I had more encouraging words, but the PAS on the part of custodial BMs works 99.9% of the time. Especially when the bm's new partner joins in. In our case, StepDaddyBigBucks didn't get too involved but he did enjoy the surrogate father title quite a bit.
This kid is getting older and
This kid is getting older and the twice weekly scheduled calls with him are probably logistic issues on both sides. The kid has a phone.. what I would suggest is that your DH should try to have one actual call a week.. BUT.. I think he needs to ramp up his other contact with his son a bit.. via texting...
Not overwhelming where anyone could say it's intrusive. But one text to his kid daily shouldn't be a huge time suck for anyone.. and keeps his dad as at least a mental presence every day. I am talking brief text.. and that's it... whether he responds or not. If he responds and the response merits DH responding back.. then maybe another in the same day.. but not so much that anyone (BM/GF) would see it as intrusive.
Texts along the lines of.
Morning, SS, hope you have a great day at school, DAD.
or Afternoon SS, I know it was hot there.. hope practice wasn't too hard.
Hi SS, got any great plans for the weekend?
Hey SS, saw you got an A on your science test.. that's great.. you must have really studied for that.
Basically, microcommunications.. that his son can get and have an idea his dad's thinking about him... and yes.. I realize texts work both ways.. but dad being a steady presence.. whether the kid does a lot of responding.. it isn't any sweat of his dad.. and it might be at least some showing that his dad does care. (I know he does.. and is hurt but. you know what I mean).
Yes, DH has been texting SS
Yes, DH has been texting SS in all the ways you outlined - good luck at your game, have a good day at school, saw x sports team won, etc. They are typically unacknowledged by SS outside of a thumbs up, which is fine. DH still texts. He just doesn't want to continue these big productions of multiple weekly phone calls that require coordination and scheduling with BM and disrupt our stuff, only for DH to do all the talking and last 10 minutes. He will call once per week now, every Sunday to ensure he is still calling and will supplement with texts. DH also sends cards and small gifts (gift cards, books, and candy) for Easter, SS' birthday, Halloween, etc. if we don't have visitation during those times. He will continue to do that as well.
Then, I think that is all he
Then, I think that is all he can do.. as a teen.. SS's schedule is likely to be more complicated anyway... so dropping the forced voice call.. or at least one of them shouldn't be a big deal if he is maintaining a virutal presence in some other way occasionally.
Sounds like a healthy
Sounds like a healthy approach to me. Your DH is being the cool, laid back parent who keeps in touch while expecting nothing in return. He's there if SS needs him. It might take done time but all is not lost. SS might just get sick of having his entire life managed by his mothers. I think they're in for a helluva shock when he decides to rebel (as most teens do). No matter how much GF does for him, once he has a taste of freedom, she will be in his rear view mirror.
My SO just decided this, that
My SO just decided this, that he is not going to call or text the kids daily. SD has now graduated HS and SS will be 17. He is exhausted with it. He does all of the talking and he feels that they just entertain the call in case they need something from him. This is a tactic that BM taught them. We know this because SS has said it I. The past. He literally told SO that BM makes him talk to my SO because she can't do it alone. But I do not trust that SO will keep it up. He constantly backslides. But he has said it has been a relief not feeling like he "has to " call the kids daily.
That's how DH feels. He feels
That's how DH feels. He feels that the relationship is so one-sided because BM has told SS his entire life that it is DH's job to maintain the relationship and that nobody matters but her and GF. I truly think, at this point, SS only has a relationship with us to get stuff - money, trips, etc. SS thinks to text and FaceTime BM and GF a million times a day, over the dumbest stuff, but never thinks to text or call DH and DH pointed that out to SS multiple times this summer. DH is done chasing SS multiple times a week, done doing all the talking, and done busting his butt to maintain the relationship 100%. SS can meet him 50/50 or this will all peeter out and SS will cease to have a relationship with DH into adulthood. DH is preparing himself for whatever outcome because he has already said, he spent the last 13 years fighting every day for SS and he isn't wasting the rest of our lives, our daughters' childhoods, etc. yearning for a relationship with SS that hasn't happened and isn't going to happen.
When SS was younger, DH knew it was his responsibility due to SS' age, but this kid isn't so much a kid anymore and he needs to learn that relationships are a two-way street. DH will reduce to a once per week call, the occasional text, and birthday cards when SS isn't here, but that's it. We are done fighting so hard for this.
I think it’s
a good thing that he's limiting the text messaging, too. While I understand the *idea* that maintaining regular contact has value, my youngest, who was a teenager at the time, was annoyed by his father's daily emails (pre-texting era) during their estrangement. He felt it was just another manifestation of his father's lack of concern for his feelings. He needed space and he wasn't getting it. And he was truly glad when it stopped. He was seeing a therapist at the time who encouraged me to tell his father to back off for the sake of their future relationship. His dad listened to me on this because it came from the therapist.
I could see not getting the daily emails was like a load off his back. I think it might feel that way for your SS. The situation is different because my ex was a really crappy father but your SS is under so much pressure to reject his father that he has to make stuff up to please BM and GF. If he doesn't have anything to report maybe the pressure will die down.
It is definitely one sided.
It is definitely one sided. The only time they reach out first is when they are about to need something. I see it but I think SO sometimes puts his blinders on and wants to think they are being nice. Like right now SD is being a little nicer and I am sure it is because we have not given her her graduation gift. She stopped at our house and the first thing she said was that BM wants to know the date we are doing her graduation dinner. There is no need for BM to know that. All it is is for the cash grab from my SO family. After that day we will she how much contact there is. And SS wants to be on a better travel team and SO and BM both said no but BM makes the decisions , it could change. If SO keeps his word and does not contribute to a new team I am expecting SS to be even less concerned with SO. SO just needs to understand but I guess it is hard for a parent to let them alone. I just know SO seems more relaxed now that he is not contacting them every day. And the reason being is probably because it was like a chore rather then something he enjoyed.
Good riddance is a viable choice when necessary to protect your
Good riddance is a viable choice when necessary to protect your own family.
I know this is hard on all of you. However, it certainly appears to be the best choice to protect all of you.
Odds are SS is a lost cause due to his unfortunate two toxic mom's household in his nearly full time life with BM and GF.
You and DH take care of your marriage, each other, and your LOs.
100% agree here. Ever since
100% agree here. Ever since SD15 took her belongings on a whim and went to BMs, DH has been MUCH less stressed (me too). He isn't walking on eggshells, wondering what we will be accused of next. Isn't worrying about if SD15 will have one of her explosions and start yelling/slamming doors. Isn't worried about if BM starts blowing up his phone with text messages. Not being on edge 24/7 has brought our household a lot of peace currently. Fingers crossed it stays this way.
Unfortunately distance and an infrequent visitation schedule
even a quality parent has little chance of countering a noxious CP and salvaging a kid from the cesspool of a team of PASing partners in the CP household.
Distance was in conjuntion with a strong team of equity life partners focused on raising a COD to be a quality person in spite of the toxic side, a major advantage.
Sadly, this kid is doomed due to the balance in the other direction in CastleJJ and her DH's case. Their own children are better off with limited exposure to the degrading quality that SS-13 is sinking into due to his overexposure to the Harpy squad. It is sad, though it is far more likely than not inevitable.
The experiences of so many STalkers is far more proof than neccessary to predict the outcome for this victim of a toxic CP partnership.