Thoughts on group texts?
I am curious about the use of group texts in step life. I ask because my DH tends to group text me and his daughter; I think this is his way of trying to forge a bond between us. I don't like that it feels 'forced' to me. For example he may say, "See, ABC texted you." or if I text something, I feel like I'm just saying "Look what I did! I tried!" It just does not feel genuine. If I have something to say, I will generally text her directly.
One thing to add...I am not included in group texts initiated by his family. You know, I am not 'in family' after all. Just Trudie, an appendage of my DH. Maybe this is why it feels forced? Because I know that I am not accepted?
As a rule, I am a one to one texter. Except for my kids and their SOs; somehow this is not ackward for me. I love them and they love me back. It's genuine sharing and I like to make the SOs feel welcome and loved.
Any personal thoughts on this? Do you use group texts? Or would you rather text the person directly?
I think that group texts have their time and place.
Not every time are they appropriate.
Group texts are about group topics.
IMHO the forced bonding thing is pretty much doomed to failure. Setting and enforcing standards of behavior and standards of performance requiring respectful interface is the foundation of bonding. Bonding grows as respectful action is taken.
When everyone has no choice but to be reasonable or live consequences for choosing otherwise, the structure is critical to establishing the bond and maintaining reasonable interface.
That said, kids are kids and adults are adults. It is the home made by the couple and the kids have a place, but no authority. Kidults, while ostensibly adults, are not part of the couple and have zero say in anything to do with the couple or the couple's home. They earn and build a relationship with the married couple through respectful reasonable behavior. While they are not minors, neither are they part of the equity life partnership.
Just my thoughts of course.
Yes!
They do have their time and place.
I also think bonding grows over shared experiences. In my case, I really do not have shared experiences with DH's family. They keep it 'in family'. DH tells me to not give up on being accepted into his family; however, I see things more realisticallly...if they have not accepted me by now, it isn't going to happen. He is still hopeful, whereas I am over it and no longer care to be included.
Agreed, kidults have absolutely no place in our marriage or home life...just as I would not insert myself into the lives of my children and their SOs.
What I don't understand, is that your DH tolerates his shit
family to do this to his wife.
If this was happening with my family's behavior, it would be game on, my bride and I would be together at every gathering, I would add her to every group chat, and I would bare idiot family member ass wholesale. To the point that they would accept my bride and us or I would burn it all down. I would call each and every one of them out instantly all of the time any time they pulled this shit.
Elements of my IL clan have tried this shit over the years. Interestingly, it is a DIL (BIL1's bovin bride) that is the primary instigator. No one has the stones to call her/them all out on it, except me, my DW, and our kid. SS does not like or tolerate how DW's own family treats each other and for he does not like how they treat his mom. She truly is an angel. She made a quality life from a poverty background, learned from the multigenerational family mistakes, and her own mistakes.
Where are this guys stones? Where is his commitment and loyalty to you?
I am so sorry you have this crap to deal with.
It is easy for me to question his character and loyalty when my own family has none of this crap going on.
Please excuse my rant.
Thank you...
...it makes me feel better that someone else understands the ugliness of the dysfunctional dynamics at play here.
While you and I share a similar approach, DH and I are very different. He has stuck up for me many, many times; however, his family's dysfunction causes them to 'see' only what they wish to see. It didn't take me long to understand that I was permanently in the role of scapegoat and that is not likely to change as they don't think there is a problem. (Other than me!) I also understand that he can not make them 'see' the truth, nor can he make them treat me any differently than they do.
If they do something out of line, I make sure to let him know; my approach is honest and direct, yet kind. I say what needs to be said and move on. He no longer defends them because he knows they are wrong. I realize he is seeing them in an entirely different light; he has discovered that sometimes people are not so pleasant (to me) when they are not getting their way (me ignoring abusive behavior). I know 'seeing' their true colors has been hard for him. He admits that his family has not treated me right. He is disappointed in their behavior. It makes him angry. Meanwhile I am kind and loving. Who do you think he wants to spend his time with? There are consequences to their behavior, it has altered their relationships. He doesn't see them as much as he used to and they feel the loss of his presence. I do not question his commitment and loyalty to me. They are family, but he chose me. Just as I chose him.
Is this the way I would have handled it? Absolutley not! However, I have accepted that we take different approaches to adversity. I come back to the fact that he is kind to all and this is one of the qualities I love the most about him.
I appreciate so much about this site; not only can I air my feelings to those who understand, I read of other's viewpoints and experiences. It really helps me to feel less alone..
When they do something out of line, why don't you address it?
At the moment it happens.
I have found that with .... these types.... like your toxic ILs and mine, the toxic blended family opposition, etc.... that instant call out and constant pressure until they either retreat or wake up at least puts them back under rock for a period of time. No need to be unkind, just direct, clear, and assertive.
It took me quite a while to develop the ability to be assertive immediately with these types. I much prefer polite and engaging. However, to these types polite and engaging is often a sign of weakness and they are far more aggressive than they are when they get immediate push back.
Conflict avoidance is disrespectful to the mate who should have immediate and unwavering support from their partner. Of course neither mate should be the instigator. Or in other words, don't start it, but for damned sure finish it.
You confront immediately then give DH clarity that he will resolve it or you will and he nor they will like it if that is his choice. Recordings help. That takes away the "but Trudie misinterpreted and we were only joking" whining and pouting crap. Pre cell phone days, we had a dictation micro-cassette recorder that would start recording at the first voice. They hated that in court. Particularly after lying that they did not say or do what we testified that they had done. We lived in a single party consent state and the recorder started as soon as a call from their are code was picked up.
Make sure that your State is a one party consent State for recording conversations. Some are not, some are electronic communication one party consent, and others are both in person and electronic communications one party consent states. Don't get yourself in trouble. But tolerate no bullshit either.
!
Yes, I could certainly do that! However, there's not direct communication, the hits are launched behind my back. It's hard to win.
There’s a ‘but’….
Actually I am winning. I have not allowed the way they treat me to alter who I am at my core...kind, compassionate, and classy. I will never indulge their nonsense.
"DH tells me to not give up
"DH tells me to not give up on being accepted into his family; however, I see things more realisticallly...if they have not accepted me by now, it isn't going to happen. He is still hopeful, whereas I am over it and no longer care to be included."
I'm SO with you there. After 7 years, some of them actually SPEAK to me. Sometimes. After years of being invisible while they treated BM2 like she was still part of the family. The little crumbs i get now would have been so appreciated years ago. But i no longer care. I truly don't want to hang out with them. It sucks. They suck. I'm done.
Yes!
They suck. For sure. Without a doubt. But you can choose not to suck, right? And I bet you have!
What I hear is those crumbs are way too little and way too late. I 100% understand this. I also understand not wanting to hang out with them. Why would you? Are they people you would choose to befriend? Imagine a different scenario...even though they may not be people you would choose to befriend, if they treated you with respect you would likely hang out with them because it would make your husband happy...and because they don't suck!
I am truly sorry you have dealt with this. Blessings to you.
Blessings to you, too. This
Blessings to you, too. This is a club we've been duped into joining (many of us on this site) and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Trudie I understand this-
Trudie I understand this- there is the occassional group text that my DH places me on. Its fine. If he says something the SKIDs sometimes respond. If I say something which is limited to holiday or bday statements at this point it's crickets. The SKIDs would NEVER intiate a correspondence with me one-on-one nor would they engage me on group text. Typically I say something like "Happy bday !" and it's met with silence. I am evolving out of communication at all- soon I won't even be doing the Merry Xmas, Happy bday or anything if they cannot even acknowledge it with a thumbs up. Still slightly doing but it's going to end pretty soon.
!
Are our SKIDS related?! Or is it just this way for everyone? That would be my guess.... (In my case, it's not just the SKIDS, it's the whole family.)
I am wondering, how long have you been with your husband? Was there a single incident that made you want to give up trying or was it just being fed up with years of nonsense?
We have a group text that
We have a group text that includes all the kids for generic things like Xmas dinner, pictures of new calves just born-you know, the harmless generic stuff. On a different communication site, I have just my bio kids, their sig others and myself. Hubby isn't there so I can't accidentally send something he wouldn't like to see bc neither of my kids or their spouses care for SD or her hubby. They tolerate them for family peace.
This...
...all sounds reasonable. Kudos to your kids for taking the high road!
I'd rather be in it than not
I'd rather be in it than not in it. And if i find out that my SO is on a group text with BM and the skids but not me and they use it for anything other than urgent/serious issues, i'm out. Idk, that's my take for what it's worth. Like, if there's just a daily chat where SO and BM share random pics of the kids and sh!t about their day. Yeah, fk all that.
Another thing about group texts. My family includes my SO on the family texts. My SO's family doesn't include me. He tried to start a new one with me on but people kept starting new ones without me. At first, BM2 was on them. I don't think she still is but i can't be sure. One of the reasons i don't trust any of those mf'rs.
!
I understand, I used to want to be in on it too. However, when people show you who they are...believe them! Wanting to be included is instinctive, but we live, we learn, and hopefully we make informed choices.
Yes, if BM were included I would be very annoyed! My husband is cordial if he encounters her, otherwise she is blocked because of her behavior.
It's interesting that your family takes the high road. Mine does too. Even though there is not a lot of group texting, my kids will include us both occasionally. Just as I include their SOs. My son will also text just DH; they chose careers in similar fields and share clients, plus they both like sports.
I find it so interesting that in Stepland, so many families share similar dysfunctions....
Before I go in deeper I want
Before I go in deeper I want to say that my SS and his fiance are warm and loving towards me. We do have a group text w/ myself, my two and their wives and my SS and his fiance. Note who's not in it... my other half but that's because he sucks at texting. And really there are no issues.
I do, however, have a friend in a situation similar to yours. And she's a good soul so it hurts her deeply to have the chat go silent only when she speaks. Otherwise they gab away in a frenzy, until she chimes in. So one day she silently pulled out of it. Her spouse and her stepkids, in-laws, etc.. they never noticed. When her husband mentioned something that was recently said and she had no clue what he was talking about she had to let him know she'd left it. He reacted a bit angrily until she let him know she's left it around Christmas and even he never noticed. She asked him why she'd stay in a conversation no one wanted her in. And he had no reply. So he's been forced to notice the way she's treated, like she's invisible. And invisible people don't spend their time or money on those who treat them poorly. Those outside her home haven't noticed yet, when they do it will be amusing to see. I'll update if it happens. As on now, they all just prattle on thinking they're treating her a lesser. Little do they know that she's not seeing them just like they never saw her. Gifting season approaches for that side of the family, not only will she not be spenidng ... she isn't going to see those hint they like to drop about those big gifts they think she should buy. It's going to be lit. I'll update as it goes.
I had a similar situation
I had a similar situation last night, not in a group text but IRL. My SO invites me to dinner with his family at a restaurant (like 9 people.) We get there, and SO's sister says there is a 1 hour wait. SO says he's going to the restroom and i figure it's a good time for me to go, too. I'm only in there a few minutes, but i come out to the waiting area and they are all gone. It's a big place and the floor plan is not open. Many small rooms, sort of like a maze. I walked through nearly the whole damn place and finally find SO and his family. They are deep in some dramatic convo in their language and nobody notices when i sit down. Afterward, i told my SO he should have waited for me or at least texted to tell me where they were seated. He said "You expect my whole family to wait for you or text you?!" I said no, i expect YOU to. Anyway, my point is, the friend's HUSBAND not even noticing she was out of the text, then getting mad about it, is the problem. He allows her to be forgotten by his family, so she is.
You…
...are lucky, AgedOut, your SS sounds like a decent person.
Yes, please keep us updated about your friend. What you are describing sounds eerily familiar....
Ignoring it is accepting it, it is tolerating, it, and it
Ignoring it is accepting it, it is tolerating, it, and it facilitates it. IMHO.
That is why I am full frontal confrontation when it comes to this crap. I will not tolerate it and I will not let anyone else just get on with their bullshit without having to stand with bare ass as I point it out and force them to commit to their bullshit with the full knowledge of anyone and everyone involved. I also include those that ignore the toxic bullshit in the bared ass club.
Of course this tends to invoke attempts to exclude me. But I don't tolerate that either. Be a shit, and I am going to bare the shit stained ass for what it is. instantly and publicly. Their choice. Live the consequences, or knock their shit off. Their choice.
An interesting characteristic about these types is that when they have to stand with their bare ass hanging out on front of everyone else in the mix they nearly universally go all victim and pouty about it though they are the ones that caused it.
My BIL1's noxious bovine bride is the poster example of this. For decades she undermines, back stabs, badmouths everyone in the family on a rotating basis. Never to anyone's face of course. So, I call her on it. So does my DW. That causes all kinds of carpet scoping from others present and invariably my MIL gets all upset about it. MIL will stand around with a smile on her face while BIL1's bovine bride is is plying her toxic crap while MIL and everyone else ignores it. Not me. I immediately address it. Which makes things get really quiet for a bit, then back to the ignoring the proverbial 5000Lb pink gorilla in the corner. Where BIL1's bovine bride invariably retreats to pout it out.
After the event MIL will be all kinds of upset about it all. She never gets upset over the actual bullshit, only when someone burns down the facade.
The most recent IL clan gathering was a new situation. It was my DW that burned down the facade in real time. Several hours later after everyone left DW was very quiet. MIL asked her what was wrong and DW started crying and spouted it all. The years of the bovine bride's bullshit, how everyone just stands around and lets her do it and ignores it. DW pointed out that I m the only one who will not tolerate it and that it took years but DW will not tolerate it either. DW first called it out about 15yrs go. BIL1 and the bb did their usual manipulative crap and DW was upset and crying about it in our hotel. We had left her home town that AM to visit her Great Aunt on our road trip home after picking up SS from his final COd SpermClan visitation. I finally reached my point of no more tolerance for DW being upset about and not doing anything about it. I told her that if she would not do anything about it, that I did not want to hear it any more. Her face went instantly focused, she grabbed her phone, called her brother and had it out with both he and his bovine bride. That started a period of several years of silence where BIL1 and his bovine bride had nearly zero interface with my entire IL clan. Which is interesting since BIL1 and my ILs live up the street from each other.
That was the start of some notable improvement evolution in my IL clan.
An interesting evolution on it all is that BIL1 will engage with DW excited about us visiting SpermLand. Then ... crickets. Nothing. The default is "Oh, we will be out of town." Then, every time we drive from our hotel to MIL's house BIL1 the bovine bride and their kids will all be on the front porch when we drive by. Me being me, when I see that I pull into their driveway and DW and I get out. Once they figure out what our rental vehicle is, as soon as we turn onto the street they all run inside. But, I always catch them at least once. I get out, shake BIL1's hand, give everyone a hug, and DW gets herself together and gets out of the car. Then we have a surprisingly pleasant quick visit.
The bovine bride has landed on a likely self diagnosis of anxiety. Not unlikely but interesting that after terrorizing the entire town with her backstabbing and manipulation now that most people will no longer tolerate her crap, she has anxiety.
I'm not sure how that works, but... it is long past overdue for her to live the consequences of her life long rein of terror. It cost her full time roles with the school district. She applied repeatedly to move from PT to FT. Nope. It got her fired from a job she had been in for 11yrs. It cost her her eldest DD for a while though like most spawn in these situations, the pull of the toxic parent is on the scale of a black hole even when the kid knows reality. She now has an office administrator job in a very small county office where she does not have to interface with people. The perfect place for her. She is not stupid. The scuttlebut is that she is doing wonderful things in the job. She replaced someone who had been in the role for 30+ years when they retired.
Anyway, I make sure that if they are going to play stupid games, they win stupid prizes. They FA and I make sure they FO. Another interesting thing is that when the bovine bride plies her crap, everyone starts looking at me when we are all together.
Does that make me toxic? Maybe. But I never start it.
I dislike group chats period.
I dislike group chats period.. they may have some limited use... perhaps if you are planning a joint vacation with a group. Or, you have kids that need to be aware of family scheduling issues. Otherwise.. no.. most normal adults communicate one on one.
It is too easy to accidentally text a "private" reply to the group.. I delete all of them I get.
Yes!
I delete a most group chats, but all that have people included who are a mystery to me. I prefer one to one communication.
Group chats with step kids don’t work,
not in my experience anyway..
My husband recently added me to one with him and his son as ss was going overseas for a week.
Even with just 3 of us it was obvious I was surplus to requirements and when I said to my husband that it was odd we hadn't heard if his son was home safely the reply was that he'd privately messaged him hours ago - what's the fecking point then?!!
I have been steadfast in reflecting my step kadults energy back at them (I owe a huge debt of gratitude to whoever suggested that on this website!) and this goes in the same bucket - you can't be bothered with me, then I'm not bothering with you!
Ugh!
I would have been really annoyed with my DH if he did that!!!
"I have been steadfast in reflecting my step kadults energy back at them (I owe a huge debt of gratitude to whoever suggested that on this website!) and this goes in the same bucket - you can't be bothered with me, then I'm not bothering with you!"
Yes! I, too, have read that here and I, too, am grateful. I am all for putting my energy where it is welcomed, appreciated, and reciprocated!
Mirroring with these types is often a great strategy to keep
them under their slime covered behavioral rocks.