Unicorns
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So many times I wonder how on earth my husband came from his family of origin? He is loving, giving, kind, compassionate...and so much more. That has not been my experience with his immediate family. It almost makes me believe in unicorns! Where does his loving, giving, kindness, and compassion come from? It baffles me! Did he see this with his family? (I can't imagine so, I have not witnessed this.) Did he subconsciously choose to be 'different'? Outside influences? Again, I am baffled!
Did anyone else marry a 'unicorn'? Please share your story!
Yes, I got someone who is
Yes, I got someone who is very different from the rest of his family. I also have been through my own therapy and made sure to be completely different from my insane parents. I have the answer to your question.
I have spoken to DH and he told me he made a purposeful delve into his own head. He did a lot of introspection to make sure he turned out differently and then he said he did that again after the end of his marriage to cheating, narcissistic, insane BM. He wanted something different in life and did a deep introspective dive and actively healed himself. He does not believe that time heals all wounds. Active healing heals all wounds.
With me, yes I know I sound like a nutbar with a ton of baggage when I vent here. While it's true that I brought a ton of baggage from my childhood, people who know me have been amazed at how I'm functional and how did I know at age five that my parents weren't normal. I discussed this in therapy because I too, wondered how I knew at five, and how did I know to make the decision at nine that I was going to do life very differently from my parents. I was told that it's my native intelligence and it started from there.
So, it's both a native intelligence AND purposeful inner work to either heal or do the complete opposite or both. By doing purposeful inner work one can reporgram themself to attract something very different and to no longer repeat a bad cycle.
Have you asked your DH your questions? Maybe he did some inner work. If he doesn't know it's possible that either he doesn't want to talk about it or that he was young enough that his decision to do differently was so powerful that it reprogrammed him to be the version that you're seeing.
!!!
Evil4, you are making me think...I like that! More on 'thinking' to come....
Thank you for sharing your story! After 35+ years in medicine I have learned that everyone has a story and I love to hear them. It sounds as if both you and your husband made concerted efforts to deviate from what you knew growing up, to heal, and to forge your own paths. Kudos! I have the utmost respect for what you have done. Also...you don't sound like a nutbar at all; we all have baggage, what matters is what we choose to do about it. Wallow in dysfunction and misery, or dig our way out? It is up to us, as individuals, to make that choice. You have "native intelligence" and chose "purposeful inner work"...that is a winning combination.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional home; my dad was an abusive alcoholic and my mom was a doormat who didn't stand up for herself or me (out of 3 kids, I was the target for my dad's rage). Maybe I have native intelligence too, because I knew from a very young age that my family was not normal and that I did not deserve the abuse. I made a concerted effort to do the opposite of my parents when I had children. I have also had lot's of therapy, but I didn't start that until my 40's. It is never too late!
My husband's story is a bit diferent. There was not abuse, but his parents divorced when he was young and he had an absentee father. His mom has had 4 husbands; I imagine that would be tough. While an iron fist ruled my home, I believe money ruled his. It appears that money keeps people in line and doing what his mother wants them to do. According to his sister, his first wife is a narcissist and his daughter is even worse. (Strange twist of fate...she has become his daughter's flying monkey. All because of big, bad Trudie.) He is a natural 'giver'; so many times I wonder if he only felt loved when he was 'giving'. I have asked him this and it shook him up a bit. (He is not as open as I am about discussing uncomfortable things. It is foreign to him. I don't see a lot of 'feeling' going on in his family. Denial and avoidance, yes.) I have told him that he is worthy of love just as he is. I don't love him for what he gives me or what he can do for me, I simply love him for the outstanding person he is. I'm not sure he has ever experienced that before? He has grown so much since we have been married; he is able to talk about things now, not avoid or gloss over issues. Is it uncomfortable? Yes! Growth is uncomfortable, but it is worth it!
I remember my therapist telling me we weren't the 'black sheep' in our families...we were the white ones. I will never forget that. I believe we are both where we are supposed to be.
"I remember my therapist
"I remember my therapist telling me we weren't the 'black sheep' in our families...we were the white ones. I will never forget that. I believe we are both where we are supposed to be."
YES! We are also the truth tellers whether we are actually speaking to what's going on or by being different from them. Right now I'm being bullied at work and it all started with being the truth teller.
I'm a firm believer in "personal work." I told my DD25 that if there's nothing else she learns from me or in life, to know that doing the personal work is the hardest work one could ever do but so worth it.
Yes!
I read this recently:
When you stand up and speak the truth, you don't just make noise---you make enemies. Truth shakes comfort.
Sad, but true. People unable to handle the truth are not my people.
Yes, to "personal work" as well! Leading by example and impressing the importance of this on our children is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
I did. Big time.
My bride is either a mutant or an alien implant in her family. On three sides. Her BioDad/MIL's first DH was killed in a car accident a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with my DW. MIL and FIL married when my DW was 2yo. Their parents were very good friends and they were pretty much raised together.
Out of her three families she is the only one who is a career professional. She just knew that is what she wanted. She just knew that she did not want the constant strain of living on the ragged edge of poverty as she was raised, and her parents were raised, and their parents were raised.
My DW has an amazing heart of gold, is incredibly caring, generous, etc. She is also exceptionally intelligent both intellectually and emotionally. The rest of them are exceptionally feelings driven, significantly incapable of analyzing, exceptionally stunted in their decisioning abilities, and amazingly stunted in maturity and emotional intelligence. Many of them are also big time backstabbers, manipulative, and scam artists. Some worse than others.
We just pulled in from a week long road trip to attend her family's biennial camping trip. We had a great time. Though there is never a visit when there is not undertones of tension and sneaky crap going on. The SOP is maintaining a facade of close family ties. Which sadly is pretty much a load of crap.
In my DW's clan, we are the truth tellers. Which makes us mean, etc.. .but interestingly when we are present, we are the flame that draws the moths which is everyone else. Some like to play the "look at meeeeee!" games and invariably one or more of them will break my bride's heart which then sends us down a healing path that we walk together. Until the next time when she goes home with high expectations and optimism only to be extremely hurt and disappointed in the end. Certainly much if not most of a visit is very positive, but never does it end on that note. Someone will always shred the experience for my wife. Which then turns on the flow of truth which the one doing the hurting then gets all spun up and hurt when the truth illuminates their crap. They hate the truth and will avoid it like the plague at all costs. They will ignore it even when it is overt and in their faces. Everyone sees that it is going on but no one will say a word. The discomfort of the hurt that is being perpetrated is less frightening than confronting it for some reason.
Not for either of us. Though over the years my DW has become much more firm in her establishment and enforcement of boundaries with her family. She struggled with the ignoring of the crap and maintaining the facade for a number of years early in our marriage. When she finally got to the point where she started calling it out directly, family relationships improved. Funny how that works. Of course when she/we are not present, the broad family dynamic slides back into its usual channel.