Thoughts on group texts?
I am curious about the use of group texts in step life. I ask because my DH tends to group text me and his daughter; I think this is his way of trying to forge a bond between us. I don't like that it feels 'forced' to me. For example he may say, "See, ABC texted you." or if I text something, I feel like I'm just saying "Look what I did! I tried!" It just does not feel genuine. If I have something to say, I will generally text her directly.
One thing to add...I am not included in group texts initiated by his family. You know, I am not 'in family' after all. Just Trudie, an appendage of my DH. Maybe this is why it feels forced? Because I know that I am not accepted?
As a rule, I am a one to one texter. Except for my kids and their SOs; somehow this is not ackward for me. I love them and they love me back. It's genuine sharing and I like to make the SOs feel welcome and loved.
Any personal thoughts on this? Do you use group texts? Or would you rather text the person directly?
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Yes!
They do have their time and place.
I also think bonding grows over shared experiences. In my case, I really do not have shared experiences with DH's family. They keep it 'in family'. DH tells me to not give up on being accepted into his family; however, I see things more realisticallly...if they have not accepted me by now, it isn't going to happen. He is still hopeful, whereas I am over it and no longer care to be included.
Agreed, kidults have absolutely no place in our marriage or home life...just as I would not insert myself into the lives of my children and their SOs.
Thank you...
...it makes me feel better that someone else understands the ugliness of the dysfunctional dynamics at play here.
While you and I share a similar approach, DH and I are very different. He has stuck up for me many, many times; however, his family's dysfunction causes them to 'see' only what they wish to see. It didn't take me long to understand that I was permanently in the role of scapegoat and that is not likely to change as they don't think there is a problem. (Other than me!) I also understand that he can not make them 'see' the truth, nor can he make them treat me any differently than they do.
If they do something out of line, I make sure to let him know; my approach is honest and direct, yet kind. I say what needs to be said and move on. He no longer defends them because he knows they are wrong. I realize he is seeing them in an entirely different light; he has discovered that sometimes people are not so pleasant (to me) when they are not getting their way (me ignoring abusive behavior). I know 'seeing' their true colors has been hard for him. He admits that his family has not treated me right. He is disappointed in their behavior. It makes him angry. Meanwhile I am kind and loving. Who do you think he wants to spend his time with? There are consequences to their behavior, it has altered their relationships. He doesn't see them as much as he used to and they feel the loss of his presence. I do not question his commitment and loyalty to me. They are family, but he chose me. Just as I chose him.
Is this the way I would have handled it? Absolutley not! However, I have accepted that we take different approaches to adversity. I come back to the fact that he is kind to all and this is one of the qualities I love the most about him.
I appreciate so much about this site; not only can I air my feelings to those who understand, I read of other's viewpoints and experiences. It really helps me to feel less alone..
!
Yes, I could certainly do that! However, there's not direct communication, the hits are launched behind my back. It's hard to win.
There’s a ‘but’….
Actually I am winning. I have not allowed the way they treat me to alter who I am at my core...kind, compassionate, and classy. I will never indulge their nonsense.
"DH tells me to not give up
"DH tells me to not give up on being accepted into his family; however, I see things more realisticallly...if they have not accepted me by now, it isn't going to happen. He is still hopeful, whereas I am over it and no longer care to be included."
I'm SO with you there. After 7 years, some of them actually SPEAK to me. Sometimes. After years of being invisible while they treated BM2 like she was still part of the family. The little crumbs i get now would have been so appreciated years ago. But i no longer care. I truly don't want to hang out with them. It sucks. They suck. I'm done.
Yes!
They suck. For sure. Without a doubt. But you can choose not to suck, right? And I bet you have!
What I hear is those crumbs are way too little and way too late. I 100% understand this. I also understand not wanting to hang out with them. Why would you? Are they people you would choose to befriend? Imagine a different scenario...even though they may not be people you would choose to befriend, if they treated you with respect you would likely hang out with them because it would make your husband happy...and because they don't suck!
I am truly sorry you have dealt with this. Blessings to you.
Blessings to you, too. This
Blessings to you, too. This is a club we've been duped into joining (many of us on this site) and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Trudie I understand this-
Trudie I understand this- there is the occassional group text that my DH places me on. Its fine. If he says something the SKIDs sometimes respond. If I say something which is limited to holiday or bday statements at this point it's crickets. The SKIDs would NEVER intiate a correspondence with me one-on-one nor would they engage me on group text. Typically I say something like "Happy bday !" and it's met with silence. I am evolving out of communication at all- soon I won't even be doing the Merry Xmas, Happy bday or anything if they cannot even acknowledge it with a thumbs up. Still slightly doing but it's going to end pretty soon.
!
Are our SKIDS related?! Or is it just this way for everyone? That would be my guess.... (In my case, it's not just the SKIDS, it's the whole family.)
I am wondering, how long have you been with your husband? Was there a single incident that made you want to give up trying or was it just being fed up with years of nonsense?
We have a group text that
We have a group text that includes all the kids for generic things like Xmas dinner, pictures of new calves just born-you know, the harmless generic stuff. On a different communication site, I have just my bio kids, their sig others and myself. Hubby isn't there so I can't accidentally send something he wouldn't like to see bc neither of my kids or their spouses care for SD or her hubby. They tolerate them for family peace.
This...
...all sounds reasonable. Kudos to your kids for taking the high road!
I'd rather be in it than not
I'd rather be in it than not in it. And if i find out that my SO is on a group text with BM and the skids but not me and they use it for anything other than urgent/serious issues, i'm out. Idk, that's my take for what it's worth. Like, if there's just a daily chat where SO and BM share random pics of the kids and sh!t about their day. Yeah, fk all that.
Another thing about group texts. My family includes my SO on the family texts. My SO's family doesn't include me. He tried to start a new one with me on but people kept starting new ones without me. At first, BM2 was on them. I don't think she still is but i can't be sure. One of the reasons i don't trust any of those mf'rs.
!
I understand, I used to want to be in on it too. However, when people show you who they are...believe them! Wanting to be included is instinctive, but we live, we learn, and hopefully we make informed choices.
Yes, if BM were included I would be very annoyed! My husband is cordial if he encounters her, otherwise she is blocked because of her behavior.
It's interesting that your family takes the high road. Mine does too. Even though there is not a lot of group texting, my kids will include us both occasionally. Just as I include their SOs. My son will also text just DH; they chose careers in similar fields and share clients, plus they both like sports.
I find it so interesting that in Stepland, so many families share similar dysfunctions....
Before I go in deeper I want
Before I go in deeper I want to say that my SS and his fiance are warm and loving towards me. We do have a group text w/ myself, my two and their wives and my SS and his fiance. Note who's not in it... my other half but that's because he sucks at texting. And really there are no issues.
I do, however, have a friend in a situation similar to yours. And she's a good soul so it hurts her deeply to have the chat go silent only when she speaks. Otherwise they gab away in a frenzy, until she chimes in. So one day she silently pulled out of it. Her spouse and her stepkids, in-laws, etc.. they never noticed. When her husband mentioned something that was recently said and she had no clue what he was talking about she had to let him know she'd left it. He reacted a bit angrily until she let him know she's left it around Christmas and even he never noticed. She asked him why she'd stay in a conversation no one wanted her in. And he had no reply. So he's been forced to notice the way she's treated, like she's invisible. And invisible people don't spend their time or money on those who treat them poorly. Those outside her home haven't noticed yet, when they do it will be amusing to see. I'll update if it happens. As on now, they all just prattle on thinking they're treating her a lesser. Little do they know that she's not seeing them just like they never saw her. Gifting season approaches for that side of the family, not only will she not be spenidng ... she isn't going to see those hint they like to drop about those big gifts they think she should buy. It's going to be lit. I'll update as it goes.
I had a similar situation
I had a similar situation last night, not in a group text but IRL. My SO invites me to dinner with his family at a restaurant (like 9 people.) We get there, and SO's sister says there is a 1 hour wait. SO says he's going to the restroom and i figure it's a good time for me to go, too. I'm only in there a few minutes, but i come out to the waiting area and they are all gone. It's a big place and the floor plan is not open. Many small rooms, sort of like a maze. I walked through nearly the whole damn place and finally find SO and his family. They are deep in some dramatic convo in their language and nobody notices when i sit down. Afterward, i told my SO he should have waited for me or at least texted to tell me where they were seated. He said "You expect my whole family to wait for you or text you?!" I said no, i expect YOU to. Anyway, my point is, the friend's HUSBAND not even noticing she was out of the text, then getting mad about it, is the problem. He allows her to be forgotten by his family, so she is.
You…
...are lucky, AgedOut, your SS sounds like a decent person.
Yes, please keep us updated about your friend. What you are describing sounds eerily familiar....
I dislike group chats period.
I dislike group chats period.. they may have some limited use... perhaps if you are planning a joint vacation with a group. Or, you have kids that need to be aware of family scheduling issues. Otherwise.. no.. most normal adults communicate one on one.
It is too easy to accidentally text a "private" reply to the group.. I delete all of them I get.
Yes!
I delete a most group chats, but all that have people included who are a mystery to me. I prefer one to one communication.
Group chats with step kids don’t work,
not in my experience anyway..
My husband recently added me to one with him and his son as ss was going overseas for a week.
Even with just 3 of us it was obvious I was surplus to requirements and when I said to my husband that it was odd we hadn't heard if his son was home safely the reply was that he'd privately messaged him hours ago - what's the fecking point then?!!
I have been steadfast in reflecting my step kadults energy back at them (I owe a huge debt of gratitude to whoever suggested that on this website!) and this goes in the same bucket - you can't be bothered with me, then I'm not bothering with you!
Ugh!
I would have been really annoyed with my DH if he did that!!!
"I have been steadfast in reflecting my step kadults energy back at them (I owe a huge debt of gratitude to whoever suggested that on this website!) and this goes in the same bucket - you can't be bothered with me, then I'm not bothering with you!"
Yes! I, too, have read that here and I, too, am grateful. I am all for putting my energy where it is welcomed, appreciated, and reciprocated!