BM Enrolled SS12 In Therapy

Today is DH's birthday... Tonight BM emails DH (after just seeing him yesterday and not mentioning it) that she enrolled SS12 in therapy because he has been having severe anxiety - BM did not specify what the specific issue is. BM provided DH with the therapist's name/contact information. She informed DH that this provider was "hand selected" by her and doesn't accept insurance so they are privately paying. Session rates would be $125 total per week. DH reviewed the therapist's evaluation and they are labeling it as an "adjustment disorder." BM is a mental health professional, so knowing her and her tactics, SS will be in therapy forever and we will be paying out hand over fist.

DH understands that SS likely has anxiety. He has always been an anxious kid but BM also expects perfection and he is enrolled in multiple sports, Honors math, and soon to be Honors English... And he's only in 7th grade. That is enough to make any kid crack under pressure.

DH is concerned that this is the beginning of the end. My last blog post highlighted that BM approached DH a month or so ago about reducing visitation in our state and either committing to visitation in BM's state and/or eliminating visitation all together. DH said "No" and now BM is pursuing therapy for SS. We think she is trying to build a case that visits are no longer healthy for SS or that the long distance and sacrifices are becoming too much and this is the first step. BM has spent 12 years trying to eliminate DH from SS' life, most of it with the court's blessing. DH said if BM tries to take him back to court to terminate visitation under the guise of SS' mental health, DH will be dropping rope and ceasing visitation. We aren't playing this game anymore.

DH hates being a walking ATM for all of BM's hypochondriac medical expenses, since she has sole custody for all decison making and DH is obligated per the CO to split the costs. A few years back, BM enrolled SS in PT (a week after DD was born) for "toe-walking." SS spent 9 months in PT and we were forced to spend over $800 in medical expenses to pay for what was later diagnosed as "growing pains." BM also has a history of taking SS to the ER frequently for minor childhood illnesses because she works for the hospital and gets a discount. She still fails to understand that a slight discount on a $600 ER bill is still significantly more expensive than a $20 co-pay for a pediatrician sick visit. And of course, DH always has to pay, no matter how expensive for every medical whim.

DH is reaching out to an attorney friend tomorrow for insight into what our obligations are and whether we can refuse to pay, since she didn't attempt to find a provider through insurance.

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I hate to have to agree with you, but I do. This is the first

I hate to have to agree with you, but I do. This is the first step in showing that it is just too stressful for SS to visit his Dad. I know you are done with court, but I would sure look into whether DH has to pay for therapy when BM chose an out of network therapist. You know she "handpicked" someone who she is sure will see things her way. I am so sorry for you guys...

DH researched the therapist.

DH researched the therapist. He worked at the same hospital as BM. It is a huge health system, so we don't know if BM knows him personally or not, which if she does, might have influenced BM's decision to pick him.

DH is calling our attorney friend tomorrow to figure out what we need to do.

Until The Mental Health System

Recognizes PAS as real and for the child abuse that it is, maternal PAS will always win. The only glimmer of hope is watching some latest court programs on youtube where judges have finally figured it out.

Obvious psych op to announce this on DH's bday.

It really is unfortunate that

It really is unfortunate that she has all the power and he just has to "take it".

It would have been better if it could have been stipulated that in order to get reimbursement that she use "in network" providers (with some reasonable exception for an emergency... on a cruise in a foreign country.. ) Just preferring a certain therapist shouldn't be enough... seeking this treatment is not an emergency life threatening situation.

She could still have decision making but with some guardrails to help.

BTW.. we also had a situation where my YSD ended up with some expensive heart screenings at age 11... turns out.. it was.. tadaaaa growing pains.

Yeah unfortunately our order

Yeah unfortunately our order doesn't stipulate any of that. And given that BM is a hypochondriac, we are now kicking ourselves for not having something like that added.

If she tries to use therapy

If she tries to use therapy to reduce time.. saying her son is too "nervous" and "anxious" to see dad.

I would argue that the solution would actually be MORE time with dad and less in high pressure sporting events.. so that his son becomes more comfortable with his father.. not becoming more estranged.

Good point.

I don't think any reasonable court/judge will think less time with a parent helps the kid mentally ... unless there is extreme abuse or neglect going on

BM seems like a neurotic mess. If anything the SS is probably anxious because of her ... ijs

Its obvious BM is playing a game

To cut DH out of his sons life. You must fight her .. fight her on everything. Don't give a ihch. Sports are good for any child. That's '''todays play date'''. Gets kids to make friends. Work as a team the whold nine yards. Most parents help out with the team somehow. '
you really need to talk with your lawer. The CO doesn't specify. SS must see in network doctors. There must be in network DR, who are not friends with BM. We all want to see the best DR. in the world but we can't afford that.
'Keep fighting

Having a neurotic BM really

Having a neurotic BM really sucks.

Could consult with your lawyer if you have one or able to get one.

Afaik - you can't just unilaterally sign a kid up for anything and expect the other parent to pay. Doesn't work like that. She can sign him up for trips to mars IF she's going to pay 100% out of her pocket otherwise if she expects your DH to pay his portion then she should have consulted with him first AND found someone who takes health insurance to lessen to financial expense.

As a parent your DH should also have access to the medical notes / records he is entitled to and paying for.

Keep meticulous records showing your/your DH efforts to maintain a relationship so SS can't come back later and say y'all abandoned him.

Don't let this nutjob break the family court law unscathed. I see where y'all would want to give up because that lady is hellbent on making it hard to coparent but try to counteract her manipulative tactics if you can.

If it were me I'd have my lawyers drag her up and down that family court room floor with court orders ... play stupid games -> win stupid prizes

DH spoke to our attorney

DH spoke to our attorney friend. He advised us that the courts feel in-network providers should be exhausted prior to utilizing out-of-network or private pay providers. He advised DH to respond, stating his disagreement, providing her a list of in-network providers, and explaining that he will follow the CO to pay an in-network provider. The attorney said if BM disagrees and submits for reimbursement, we would need to file a motion to address it, which he feels can be done without an attorney. DH said we would determine at that point if we want to proceed and fight or just pay our portion.

DH already sent an email to BM, including everything outlined above and he has left a voicemail for the current therapist. We shall see.

UPDATE

BM responded back to DH and she is PISSED. She is arguing that DH is responsible for covering the cost. She admitted to DH that she has worked with him in the past and knows him. She also provided DH with the reasons she picked him (1) he is Christian, (2) he supports same-sex families, and (3) he has extensive experience working with split households. BM highlighted that all of these factors are important to SS and that is why they picked him. I'm sorry, but him being Christian and supporting same-sex is important to BM and GF, not SS. BM went on to say she will follow FOC process for submitting these expenses and if DH refuses, she will proceed with court action. She also made note that she is disappointed that when SS is struggling, all DH was concerned about was money and not what SS was going through.

DH is not responding.