Today from a former STalker - A monk once said:
"Imagine being bitten by a snake.
and instead of focusing on healing
from the poison,
You chase the snake to
understand why it bit you and to
prove that you didn't deserve it."
There is a lot of the chasing of the snakes that goes in for so many in the blended family universe. Invariably everyone sees and knows exactly who and what the snake is. Rather than cutting the head off of the snake and focusing on healing, so many chase and talk with the snake to try to understand why it bit us thus being the snakes eternal chew toy. Then so many of us try to convince ourselves and anyone and everyone else that we did not deserve it. Hint: We didn't deserve it. That is nearly a universal given for those who choose a shit person with shit spawn. Invariably those two classifications of people in blended family world go together. With few exceptions. Though they are rare exceptions.
All of this effort to convince the snakes and everyone else that we are not the problem and little energy goes into actually solving the problem and healing.
KISS
When the snake bites, cut off its head. When the snake's spawn bite, cut off their heads. The head being the behaviors that they perpetrate. If they severed head was not an effective painful lesson, turn them into the historic lessons and fertilizer for moving on and living our best lives.
KISS, the noise of healing Vs HISS, the noise heard by the one who chooses to keep embracing the pit of snakes.
IMHO of course.
Yes.
I get this. Too many of us appear to worry about what others think and this, in turn, causes more pain for ourselves. Those who matter will treat you right, those who don't are not my people. There is a freedom in knowing the difference.
I don't give a rat's ass what people think.
DH however claims to care what his family will say when the Diablas call to sh*t talk us. Most of the family members that would buy the bill of goods SD's have to sell are as crazy as a loon themselves. Why care what insane people think? Then there are other family members who just don't want to get involved in drama or they don't want there to be drama even if that means pacifiying the insane family members. Of course pacification of drama makers is a losing strategy for having peace so that is also an insane approach. I am just done with all of them. I told DH that I invite anyone who feels sorry for the SD's to have them come stay in THEIR house.
A brilliant strategy.
I told DH that I invite anyone who feels sorry for the SD's to have them come stay in THEIR house.
My mom was one who found it unbelievable when we would share SpermGrandHag stories. Her stance was always that the Hag could not be that bad. Mom said a few times that she would reach out to the Hag to bond as GM's. I am on the fence of that one. On the one hand mom would have experienced first hand how bad the Hag is, on the other, mom would have chewed her up and spit her out instantly when reality regarding the Hag and the SpermClan clarified for her.
The last Christmas we lived under the CO my parents joined us. I implored them to come to help decompress some of the tension around us yanking SS out of boarding school over SpermIdiot hacking the school firewall and he and SS playing WoW all night nearly every night and SS failed the only class he needed for graduation.
While my parents were with us SpermGrandHag called to deal with canceled flights due to weather issues and went off on DW in her usual profane abusive way when DW told her she would have to figure out the outbound flights to get SS to SpermLand. My mom was across hte large family room and heard the Hag ranting at DW who had the phone held away from her head due to the screaming and yelling. Mom's head snapped toward DW, she stood up, adjusted her sweater, assertively walked across the room, took the phone from my bride and snapped at the Hag with "You will not speak to my daughter that way, Call back when you grow up and can behave in an adult manner." CLICK! Mom then took DW by her hands, stood her up, gave her a big hug and through tears apologized to DW for not taking the things we had shared over the years at their full realistic value. To this day mom will comment during the holidays that she is so glad that SS does not have to spend any time with "those people".
I love this. The hand
I love this. The hand-wringing, the trying to figure it all out, the questioning of ourselves, the trying to place logic on the illogical, the discussions/conflict with the illogical. All of this is a distraction that keeps us from living our best lives. Which is the intent of the trouble maker(s). They do intend to hurt and punish. We should not forget that.
I spent the first two years of our marriage wringing my hands, questioning what I did wrong, fighting with my husband, and damn sure not having any honeymoon period because of BM's attacks and DH, as has been referenced in here, wanting to keep the peace. Even after we shut the snake down and gained some peace and sanity, we were dealing with the leftover skid bs. I look back with sadness on the years I was way too distracted by this crap. Those people didn't deserve an ounce of my worry, thoughts, concern, and most definitely not my pain.
Yes!
You verbalized this so well, Mia; I feel it in the depths of my soul! Similar nonsense, different cast of characters. I, too, wasted so much time trying to make sense of the senseless...OSD's abuse and the in-laws blaming and scapegoating me. Yes, OSD certainly did want to inflict pain and there is no excuse for the in-laws denying it or trying to cover it up. They are sick...what's even sicker is they think I'm the problem for saying "No". It will never make sense and I'm through trying. They, and those like them, will never be my people.
My temporary loss of self is a bitter pill to swallow. I had fought long and hard to do the work related to my family of origin only to be sucked into their dysfunctional nonsense. No more! I am back on track and thriving, this has made me stronger.
My DH is finding his way, it's hard to reconcile that his family of origin is not who he thought they were and what that means for those relationships moving forward. He has expressed embarrassment and shame for their words and actions, although it is not his shame to bear.
What is important is that we have grown together and we are solid. For this I am thankful.
"My temporary loss of self is a bitter pill to swallow."
Losing the person and man I liked being was the worst part about my failed marriage. Fortunately it ended early enough that it did not cost me any more than a couple of years of my youthful 20s. Directly anyway. Though the recovery cost me much of another 4 years.
Even the first couple of years of my incredible marriage to my incredible bride was impacted by the final parts of getting over that nightmare and completing re-connection fully with myself. I am truly blessed that I did not screw this one up because of that one. Though The Rags 3 Day Rule works for minimizing the most intense pain of a trauma or breakup, it does not shorten the 2-4 year grief cycle. For me, ti was a solid 4 years with portions of another 2 to ultimately end the negative impact that experience had on me. My incredibly bride did not deserve that. I am fortunate to have dropped that baggage before it hurt her and us indelibly.
We are strong in part because of what we each experienced before there was an us. We are far stronger because of who we are together and what we build each day together.
I am blessed to have had an amazing family that in large part is the core of who I am. If I had to both recovery from my first marriage and had to deal with notable family baggage from my youth I doubt I would have made it without debilitating impact to me and my life.
Trudie I'm sorry you had to fight both of those journeys. I am sorry for Morning-Mia too.
But I am so happy that you both made it back to yourselves. Me too by the way. I did not like who I gave up to my first marriage.
Yes.
I like to think that all the ugly in my life has prepared me to appreciate where I am right now. (I sense you feel that too, Rags.) Had I not experienced the ugly, I would have never done the work! Doing the work has blessed me both personally and professionally. Personally, I have wonderful children, true friends, and a husband who loves me...I am so thankful. Professionally I am able to help/serve others...I am so grateful for this opportunity. When all is said and done, I feel like I'm winning the game of life.
As far as bitter pills go, I guess they indicate there is more work to do and are an opportunity for growth.... It will always be onward and upward for me.
It seems most of us have a 'story' and that story, however ugly it may be, makes us stronger. I struck the word 'survivor' from my vocabulary years ago, for me it implies I was a victim...I see myself as a warrior for change. Cheers to each and every warrior on StepTalk!
Not a survivor. A thriver.
It is is all about winning the game of life. There are no losers if we win. Each person wins on the qulity of their own merit, performance, and quality of decisions.
There is no need for anyone to lose unless they choose to lose. Sadly it is not rare for retread spouses and their COD failed family progeny to choose to lose. It is not mandatory that they do. But they seem to think that propegating the failed family cycle is some great idea.
Yes Trudie, I feel that too. I flirted with failure and just surviving for a bit. I chose to thrive.
I am considering a shift to the human services arena to end the last half dozen or so years of my career. Money is not my primary motivator. It never really has been. I thrive professionally when I am in a role I enjoy where I can develop solid people and contribute to the succes of the organization/company, I have an application in for a Sr. Director role for regional maintenance for a public housing organization. I would like to take my extensive industrial industries background to this arena.
Here is to a career change soon. One that will get me back on the earning side of the life curve and allow my DW's career to be the primary in our marriage until she is ready to hang it up and I can start chasing her sexy self around full time.
Yes!
I am excited for you and your new job opportunity, Rags...hope to hear more about that in the future!
Your comment "choose to lose" and Mia's earlier comment, "They do intend to hurt and punish." really hit home with me. Those simple words were so succinct and have been on my mind. Why is this so common in step hell? Or, are these same choices played out in their everyday life too? Was the breakup of their family of origin so damaging that they forever 'see red'? Or, are they just devoid of heart and soul? What do you all think about this? I am one who always wants to understand the 'how' and the 'why'. Learning this can provide great insight. Unfortunately, with this caliber of people, I am learning that one is not likely to ever understand the how and why.
When thinking of OSD, every so often I momentarily feel bad that DH is extranged from her. Key word is momentarily. Yes, her goal was to inflict pain and suffering on a person she didn't even know. No remorse, no acknowledgement (although sometimes she slips and states she "stands by" what she did...so she knows), and no real, honest attempt to make any of it right. She continues with her hateful words and actions, so she is choosing to lose too. Why on earth would I want that (or anyone who would support or make excuses for it) in my life? I have made the right choice to cut her off. Although DH says he misses her, what I think he misses is the little girl she once was. I know he doesn't miss all the grief she has brought him for 20+ years. I also know he is thankful for the peace in our lives now.
Although DH says he misses
I have brought this up in here before. My DH still sometimes sees his little girl, now in her 30s, as the 6 year old she was when he and BM divorced. He acknowledges this and also sees what she has become. Conflicting, yes.
Also, re: figuring it all out, our marriage counselor back in the day--a psychologist--used to smile at us and say, "You can't place logic on the illogical. You cannot find logic in the illogical. The behavior is illogical." Kind of like saying (also applicable), "You can't find smart in the stupid."
Yes!
And I FEEL this, too!
My DH, too, feels embarrassment and shame. . . over his kids.
It's got to be so incredibly difficult to have had your DH's family be "in on it" (the bs & toxicity). I'm glad you all are in a good place.
I was doing well with all of this for a number of years--very detached from the toxicity and drama--until last year when DH had health problems and the skids descended upon us. That horrific visit in such a horrific time triggered something deep inside of me. It's then when I woke up and realized how I had in my past for certain periods lost my focus on what life should be, as I was spending way too much time focused on attempting to navigate all of their BS vs. "cutting the head off the snake." I feel I lost valuable hours, days, months . . .probably a few years. I hate that I now resent that. Hard lessons learned.
Refocusing has led me to feel so much more content. I've been able to recapture/pay attention to some of my deepest loves in my life (hobbies, activities, talents). It was when I began to recapture these things that I recognized fully how toxic people's intent is to steal our peace because they have none. Not so different from thieves and violent criminals, really.
Yes.
It is interesting that our DHs are in similar situations! It must be awful to feel embarassment and shame over one's kids, or one's extended family. I imagine it is really hard to admit as well; we want to see our family in the best light and when they fall short it hurts. I am thankful they are both able to 'see' the truth for what it is, because many can not.
I am so glad you have learned the 'hard lessons', Mia. Hold on to that. Enjoy your hobbies, activities, and talents. Enjoy your hard won life with your DH. Keep living your best life!
I just recently realized something big. I had thought that OSD destroyed my relationships with DH's extended family, through the lies she spread when she turned the tables regarding her abuse and criminal activities. Even DH telling them the truth did not help. I have to say, I was pretty salty about it. No more! I realized that they have known all along what OSD is all about, but I was the convenient scapegoat. Why on earth did I expect better from people who can not even handle the truth? Deflect, lie, deny is their 'go to' for the ugly from OSD. I should have realized far quicker that people who practice denial to this degree would never really welcome an authentic relationship with anyone who lives in the light of the truth. So, OSD didn't destroy anything, their beliefs and outlook on life did. They were never my people. I, too, have refocused...I refuse to let them steal my peace. For some reason, I had a momentary backslide at Christmas, but I'm back!
Yes I spent a lot of years
Yes I spent a lot of years feeling anguish- feeling pain and hurt that I had no hand in causing. One fine day after a particularly horrific dinner and treatment at the dinner - my anger rose to a level I never thought I could have. It's exactly what i needed to expel the toxic out of my life and as @Rags put it "cut the head of the snake off." I stayed red hot angry - embers burning for 3 years - 3 years is what i needed to make permanent and lasting change. Now I am not angry, I am not sad - I quite literally kicked all that bad behavior to the curb. I very much support my DH in visiting the SKIDs but for the one SKID and his blushing bride I take NO part in and for the other I limit it. One of the healthiest things I've ever done. I am not even a little curious about their lives anymore because I am living mine and not chasing the snake that bit me. Great post !
Love this...not what built up
Love this...not what built up to it, but what you did and where you are now!
Yes!
I get this, ImperfectlyPerfect! I'm so glad you were able to put it all into perspective. I am letting go of the "red hot angry"...it is a place I do not care to live.
I undertand that I have never had this particular struggle in my
I undertand that I have never had this particular struggle in my blended family life. It breaks my heart that so many tolerate the snakes, cater to the snakes, empathize with the snakes, try to figure out the snakes rather than being the mongoose that eleminates them before htey can cause any damage beyond what they did when they first show and tell what they are.
Yes.
It's all about playing chess while they play checkers....
Or better yet, deploying nukes when they are trying to fang you
Or better yet, deploying, nukes when they are trying to fang you death.
So funny that you say that.
So funny that you say that. Back in the day, my DH used to refer to BM's actions as "nuking us." So, as holidays would approach, he'd say, "Get ready for the nukes to be launched."
Wise truth..
I love, love, love this!
We all buy into the ‘’’’Happy Family’’’ concept
That we can talk averything out. It's not the kids fault, there parents got divorced. They didn't asked to be born. What are you going to do with them. You know!!! Just like the Hallmark movies and TV shows. The kids want these people to be together . The problem is..
The kids really don't think that way. They don't want another mother or father, telling them things. They don't want this stranger to tell them to do things around the house . They want there bio family back together [see Hallmark movies ] and will cause hell to do so.
'They live with there bio mother the majority of time, with bio mother telling them. Your father [mother] is spending all his money on there SO, leaving no money for us. Or less money for us. You can't get those $300 sneakers BECAUSE his [her] money going to SO. We can't go to Disney because.......we can't buy because...... we can't. We can't.
'The kids buy into this and you have unrealistic and unprepareable problems.
..."leaving no money for us. Or less money for us."
There is no us money. There is the NCP's money, the CP's money, and the CS paid by the NCP for the care, housing, feeding of the CODs when they are with the CP.
There is no money beyond that owed in either direction unless otherwise ordered in the CO.
The problem amplifies when anyone stops using their brain and tries to fly on their fee fees, and choose to be motivated by guilt, and when one the other or both sides try to exploit the other.
Stick to the CO. Period. Tolerate no deviation, set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance, and tolerate zero deviation. This keeps things simple. They behave reasonably or they face immediate confrontation for their choices.
IMHO when the "(CP) said you would buy me (fill in the blank)" the NCP needs to stand on "I already gave your (CP) that money in my CS payment. Ask them.". Keeping the CO handy to review it in detail to counter the manipulation.
Interestingly there are some content providers who are selling services on parenting plan development who market themselves as countering high conflict Narcissist Xs and protecting the CODs. Some of these supposed consultants are most toxic Narc, high conflict examples I have ever heard of. They bare their own asses on camera and still try to demonize someone else's X thinking that expressing their own narcissism will convince someone else that their X may be high conflict. Not complying with a request is not high conflict. Saying no is not high conflict. High conflict is something that is obviouse when it is seen.. Apparently failed family narcs have figured out how to monetize being a Narc failed parent and failed partner beyond CS.
It is sad that so many CPs are buried in struggles after a divorce when their NCP opposition does not step up. It is sad that so many NCPs are victimized and monetized by the CP opposition. It is doubly sad that kids so often are victimized by PASing idiots on either or both sides of their failed family origin parent experience.
Yes.
This reinforces to me how important it is to raise kids with standards of behavior. Yes, life is tough. Yes, we fall down. What matters is that we get back up and retain the standards of behavior...honesty, grace, kindness, respect, and the myriad of others that lead to success in life. These standards of behavior are verbally taught, but more importantly...they need to be modeled!
I saw this same quote on
I saw this same quote on Facebook and realized i had made that mistake. Fact is, unless it's the "unicorn situation", a lot of us come along when the skids are older and a toxic dynamic has been in play for years. We didn't break it, we can't fix it, and all we can do is set boundaries that keep the toxic away from our hearts/minds and our homes. Or leave. Exes, skids, in-laws, etc., who are in the "toxic" - we will never change their minds. They aren't going to like us. Our SO's/spouses who think that we, the stepparents, can fox the situation or be the glue that brings and holds a broken family together are delusional. That kimd of thing only happens on Hallmark.
Yep, I am FB friends with the former STalker who posted it.
Though it likely was posted by countless people on FB.
I think that at some level SParents take on a rescue project as a mate due to the early intense connection and passion period then the knight in shining armor complex takes over and we think we can fix it, save the failed family chosen partner, and save their failed family progeny.
Reality is as often as not that our partners are notably responsible for their prior family failures and the low quality kids that are often the progeny of failed families. As much as they are the failures of our mate's X(s).
From my own historic periods of rescue project relationships I have learned that rescue projects are a waste of time and effort. They are also likely non additive to our lives. Their failures, their choices to repeatedly tolerate their own failures and the failures and behaviors of their baggage make them a net liability far more often than an asset to our lives.
Yes.
I am team didn't break it, can't fix it, and remain cordial but disengage.
Definately I am team didn't break it, can't fix it.
However, I am be cordial if they are and I am fully engage when they are not. Engage with immediate overwhelmingly unpleasant response each and every time they are less than cordial. It is on them to fix it. I take it on myself to mitigate their crap behavior by any legal, social, financial, and consequence driven means available. I hope that they do figure out and fix their crap. Though my care on that is limited. Other than a hope for them to fix it, my care is about as zero as possible. I do care that they do not spread their crap on others. Making their toxic choices so painful that they will avoid them at all costs I can influence. Fixing their issues, if deeper than I care to go and likely beyond my ability to influence.
Behavior is simple. It is a fact. What is cooking in their fee fees, emotions, and likely limited cerebral activity is that drives their chosen behaviors is rarely simple. They why I don't much care about. The what, I care very much about. Whether I care about them or not.
They earn cordial with cordial. They earn an appropriate alternative if they chose to be other than cordial.
Pretty simple. And entirely their choice.