Fighting and How to Deal
SS13 got in a fight at school. This happened a couple of years ago. Apparently (the principal called) a kid walked up to him in the bus line and hit him, so he hit back and teachers broke it up. Both are suspended for two days. Of course, it's our week, which means he's now home with us all day.
DH confronted him about it and SS got angry and said if someone crosses him or upsets him, he'll always fight back. He's been surly and uncommunicative.
DH talked to BM who said he's told her about his attitude about fighting. She told DH it's not good, but what can we do? He's not changing his mind unless he wants to.
I told DH that attitude and fighting back is a big problem. If he's reactive, he could become a target. What if some kid pisses him off and he punches him, only to find the kid has a knife? Or if it keeps happening and he gets expelled??And so on.
DH agreed, but again with the "what can we do?"
So tonight SS sat there playing on his phone (which was not confiscated). Tomorrow, he has to do schoolwork, but my bet is DH doesn't deal with anything and SS spends the day n his pjs playing on his phone.
It's frustrating beyond belief and I feel like I'm watching a train wreck. And now, I'm feeling uneasy. I see more and more this kid has anger issues and poor coping skills and I'm just feeling anxious about what happens next.
- Hastings's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Therapy for him so he can
Therapy for him so he can learn coping skills and to manage his anger?
Idk. If someone hits you aren
Idk. If someone hits you aren't you supposed to defend yourself and hit them back?
IMO ss did what he should have to protect himself.
I could be wrong but the school either doesn't have cameras to see who initiated so they punished both or they have some blanket rule about punishing both parties of a fight regardless of who initiated and why because they don't have the time or resources to thoroughly investigate
if you're worried about someone pulling knives in school....getting expelled may be a blessing - that school sounds dangerous and he could be depressed and angry that no one is helping him feel safe so he has to do it himself.
*could be missing details here as I don't know the full story but just based on what you posted
This is my take too. If
This is my take too. If someone hits you you hit them back. Otherwise they may try to bully and intimidate in the future
If they are the instigator that's a different thing, imo
As a person who was tiny in school.. People tried to pick on me. I had to show I wouldn't be picked on or else they would have kept doing it to me.
To some extent, I agree and
To some extent, I agree and get it. Though punching and keeping the fight going/escalating things (which SS did -- he got smacked in the back and he punched the kid in the face) isn't exactly the best way to handle things either.
I think I'm more bothered by the attitude. He seems to have a lot of bottled up anger. And he's made it clear (in a flat, emotionless voice) that if someone upsets him, he's going to lash out.
When he was 10, I saw him full-body shove his mom when she took a pencil away from him (he and another boy were roughhousing). At 8-9, he was still kicking his dad for not giving him something he wanted. Even now, if he gets mad at BM, he'll throw things at her.
Fighting back or not, I feel like there's a problem.
But there will be no therapy. He's made it clear he won't participate.
(And, no, the school's no more dangerous than any public middle school. But in this day and age, I don't think worrying about how far a fight could escalate is out of place.)
Dad is a bigger problem
Whoah - kicking the dad who now tells you "I just don't know what to do!" sounds like dad is the problem here.
What you permit, you promote.
When I was in highschool I had a girl try to fight me
over something so stupid, so I did not fight her. I just kept walking and put up my arms when she took a swing (she definitely did not hit hard because I had no bruises from the attempted blows). I just kept saying "I am not going to fight you." Well finally she got pissed that I wasn't fighting back so she pulled my hair from behind and I turned around and screamed in her face to get off me you c**t which this part was right in front of a security guard. Which I don't like that word, but at the time was super fitting. So anyways the school has a policy of any fights all parties get suspended for 10 days. So the school tried to suspend me first for her trying to fight me and then tried to suspend me for my language. My parents luckily had my back plus there was footage of the whole thing on cameras and were up in arms because I did not fight her or lay hands at all, just called her a bad word. Needless to say, I did not get suspended, but she did.
Had she actually injured me, I would of absolutely defended myself. I agree in not teaching a child to be a door mat for people, but when defending yourself to not go beyond stopping the harm to yourself if that makes sense. Like instead of shoot to stop, hit back to stop, but nothing more than that. IMO.
If the principal ADMITTED
If the principal ADMITTED that your SS was attacked in the bus line and fought back, I don't understand how both kids were suspended!!
Do they expect kids to get sucker punched and just accept it? It's not good in the middle school hellscape to let someone get away with sucker punching you. You look weak and then others will start taking a turn because the victim is expected to take it.
I had 2 girls harrassing me DAILY in 8th grade. They bullied me without touching me. One day, I snapped, and threw one of them into the lockers. Neither one of them bothered me again................and I didn't get suspended. The school psychologist knew what they had been doing to me because I was in her office multiple times per week.
It's utter BS that the instigator and the victim got the same punishment. But, maybe it's a good thing that SS hit back. Perhaps the punk will think again before trying to sucker punch SS.
It's district policy. If you
It's district policy. If you physically participate in a fight, you get suspended. They're trying to teach kids conflict resolution -- and to avoid escalation, which will probably happen in those cases.
Yes it's pretty much
Yes it's pretty much universal school policy.
Also just because someone hits first and so called victim defends himself, it doesn't mean there's not more to the story. It often turns out that the victim harrassed and bullied someone for days before the person finally hit him or her.
Yeah, "attacked out of
Yeah, "attacked out of nowhere" is suspicious. My son was suspended for fighting once. The other student kept lightly hitting him and calling him names and taunting him (I got a few accounts from other kids who were there and they all matched.) My son repeatedly asked him to stop, the teacher did nothing, and after the kid hit and pushed him a few times, my son said "stop or i will hit you back." Didn't stop, my son dropped him, and got suspended for 3 days. That was the only time my son ever got in trouble at school, so there wasn't a pattern of interpersonal problems. That punch, in front of the class, discouraged other potential bullies and he had a peaceful next 4 years.
Not to single you out But a general statement
When you married someone with kids . What do you expect. I guilty of this too. This is not TV, this is real life with more external people screwing life up. These kids are ';kids'' not convicts,, they screw up. They must learn life lessons. Fighting means suspended, no exter activity,, sitting in your room, where everyone else is in school. Do you seriously think bread and water making large rice into small rocks will get better results?
'This is life it all will pass. A memory one day
I never said he should be in
I never said he should be in a penal colony, but in 8 years I have yet to see this kid learn a life lesson. He's been suspended numerous times. No consequences at all.
Kids mess up. It happens. I'm well aware. But I guess I'm old fashioned. I think there should be some correction, guidance or consequence to help them learn better. That doesn't happen. And his behavior and attitude are getting worse.
Martial Arts
Martial Arts teaches discipline, respect, situational awarenes, accountability, and self defense. May or may not help this particular skid, just a suggestion.
A friend of mine who I've
A friend of mine who I've known for well over 30 years, would always use the phrase "What cha gonna do" about Everything her kids did. As the kids grew up she continued with that phrase-about their underage drinking to drug use, poor significant other picks---"What cha gonna do"
Over time, our friendship grew further and further apart to practically nonexistent. I could not stand to hear another 'What cha gonna do" while her kids lit the matches to burn the house down.---I was done. She since then found other people to tell her stories to. Glad it is not me. Her one kid in particular is a mess. What cha gonna do, right? Its NOT her fault or duty as a parent to PARENT.
There IS something they, your dh and bm, can do for their child, they choose to throw their hands up and say "WHAT CHA GONNA DO"
You must decide what YOU want to do moving forward. Sink with them or save yourself from possibly paying for a lawyer for the kid, bailing a young adult out of jail or worse.
It's wise to look at the bigger, broader picture---the next aggression by ss (poor kid) may cost YOU everything. Tell dh get him in therapy or you are OUT---His child deserves help.
Chart your own course !!!
The obvious answer to "what can we do?" it to parent.
The obvious answer to "what can we do?" is that the parents need to actually parent their kid. I know you know this, but neither parent does. I'm with you, this kid clearly has issues that are not being addressed and they are only going to get worse as he gets older and bigger. I think it is a cop out when parents say the kid won't participate in therapy - make it therapy with both father and son. Father and therapist can talk and the kid can just sit there, maybe some of it will sink in.
I will chime in that i agree
I will chime in that i agree that *if* the other student walked up and attacked him, unprovoked, he was right to defend himself. But that's a big "if." And a person knows their child. If DH is in denial, you probably know. Is he the type to provoke others or engage in "pre-fight" behavior like causing drama with other kids? If so, that needs to be dealt with. If not, well, i agree with "what can you do?"