How do I do it?
Work has been extra stressful and I was really looking forward to a quiet weekend last weekend. I felt my mood immediately shift when DH told me that he invited both his sister and YSD over. He even noticed and asked if I was out of sorts. Yes, I certainly was. I felt down and tearful. I do not wish to expend my time or energy on people who do not value or care about me. And I certainly do not want them in my home. My home is my sanctuary.
Yes, I do understand that it is also DH's home and he has every right to entertain who he wishes (exculding OSD). Yes, I do understand that they are his family and he loves them. Yes, I do understand that he does not share my intuition that they only put up with me...like he always says, "They like you, honey." Yes, I do understand that he is not able to read behavior like I can and even if he does, he prefers to let it fly right over his head. (He is good and kind and wants to believe that everyone else is the same. I'm a realist, I know that everyone else is not the same. Plus, I read and respond to behaviors for a living. I've gotten skilled in doing so.)
I feel I am getting the hang of disengaging. However, the holidays are different. All the 'forced' togetherness. I do not wish to make believe that everything is warm and fuzzy and expend time and energy on those who do not know or understand me, nor do they wish to know or understand me. So...how do I do it? How do I extricate myself without hurting my DH? (That is the last thing I wish to do!) Do I just suck it up? Who else out there feels this way and what did/do you do about it? I really need some suggestions. Thank you!
Why would he not talk to you
Why would he not talk to you before inviting anyone over? Is their visit for a meal? A day?
?
It was so his sister could see the house and he could see his grandchild.
I honestly had not even thought about him mentioning it after the fact. I believe because he enjoys them, that he thinks I will too.
Yeah I agree...he should run
Yeah I agree...he should run it past you before inviting anyone over, no matter who it is.
It's just common decency to pick up the phone or text your partner "Hey is it ok with you if XXXX comes over tonight?"
Your DH should not just tell you after the fact, that he has invited his sister and your SD over. He should have ASKED you first.
I think you should have a calm and rational discussion with him to that effect:
"Hey DH, . I believe that before either of us invites anyone over, we need to check with the other person first. We both live here and need to make sure we are considerate of each other".....
That kind of thing...
!
You know, it is discussed if I want to invite family over. He would never say "no"; he would be all for it and welcoming. However, there is a really big difference between my family and his...mine accept him unconditionally and have welcomed him with open arms.
I think it would be a hard conversation to have without hurting his feelings. I can hear it..."Don't you like my family?"
However, if this happens again, I could very easily say, "Honey, I was really looking forward to spending my downtime just with you. I was looking forward to a quiet day at home." That would be better received.
"Oh, damn it, sweetheart, I
"Oh, damn it, sweetheart, I wish you had checked in with me first. I have a spa appointment that I just cannot cancel" <grin>
Point this out every time he asks and you decline.
However, there is a really big difference between my family and his...mine accept him unconditionally and have welcomed him with open arms.
!
Actually we have talked about this. I believe the fact that our families are so different makes it even harder for him to understand...because he doesn't get treated the way I do. Sometimes if you havn't been in the situation, one really doesn't know. So many times I wonder how he is even related to them all...he is the anomoly of the bunch. For that I am grateful.
However, I try not to bring it up because I understand that he is not accountable for their behavior. Maybe I will try a 'gentle reminder'....
@Trudie...yeah he really
@Trudie...yeah he really should have run this one by you. I also think a great way to handle the situation is to "busy" yourself with things around the house and let DH entertain. If they don't value you then they won't miss you. When older SS and DIL come to the house (very rare) I have "things to do." I stop in the dining room to say hello and greet once DH has got them settled in and then I acknowledge stay for as long as I want to (which is typically less than 30 seconds) and then I go off. They don't even ask where I am going, any questions about me- nothing so it's as if I wasn't even there. This is really DH's family and you don't really owe them much this late in the game- cordial, hello and brevity is your friend. Let your DH take on the work including the cooking, etc
!
Thank you, I like this approach...it would work well for me. Not sure it would work well for him, I think he would be hurt that I didn't want to spend time with them. Would like to avoid the hurt.
There is also the fact that YSD has invaded my personal space...digging around in my kitchen, reading my mail. Just no! I would feel like I had to be on 'high alert' to keep her out of my things.
Geez, do I sound like a jerk?
Can you invite a kind third
Can you invite a kind third person over as a buffer and distraction? That sometimes works. A friend? Someone in your family? A neighbor? The mail delivery person? What about the Amazon guy? :)
Hmmm...
...this may be worth a try! Thank you!
No you are not jerk - your
No you are not jerk - your alarm bells are going off because YSD is being extremely disrespectful of your space and your life- going through your mail? That's not normal. Digging around YOUR kitchen? Also not normal. She is acting as if this is her place. I had this happen with my sister - she asked if she was able to use any of the bathrooms in my house recently. I said "Sure." Not really thinking much about it. I go into my bedroom to get something from the closet and I find her in my jewelry collection scanning the items - opening drawers, etc. I was totally taken aback by it all and she was shocked to see me walk in. I didn't say anything but my instinct was HIGH ALERT. Bizarre behavior, what are you doing? I wasn't concerned about her stealing but the behavior is OFF and crossed a boundary for me- now I know better. In your situation with YSD does she act like this is no big deal when shes rifling through your personal space and items ?
As for not wanting to hurt your husband...this is where it's all a bit strange. He's the reason these people are not respectful towards you yet here you are trying to appease him when he hasn't done the work himself to make sure you are comfortable. I undestand this too- I have found. myself more concerned about DH's comfort and DH is more concerned about his comfort too...then there is NO ONE looking out for my comfort and what I need. Just some food for thought.
Ugh!
I need to ponder this a bit....
It's...
...complicated. (Isn't it always?) I do not blame DH for how his family acts because they alone are accountable. Many times he has brought things up to them; they are a family who does not confront anything, their way is to live in dishonest harmony. So even though he has brought it up many times, they continue to sweep, sweep, sweep the way they always do. (His mother even said that they would continue to deal with OSD the way they always have. Yet...they had looked to me to help 'solve' her issues. Not going to happen without everyone holding her accountable and doing 'the work' personally. So, she wants her cake and to eat it too. I think they all do. Life just doesn't work that way.) I am okay with honest conflict. It is a means to an end; the end goal for me is understanding and resolution. My DH is learning how to handle honest conflict; this has been a huge step for him. (My therapist likes to remind me of this. She reminds me of how long I have been in therapy. Change does not occur overnight.) I can honestly say that he bends over backwards for my comfort, yet with his family the blinders are dangling. It was a big step to 'see' and acknowledge the dysfunctional mess that OSD is; he 'knew', but knowing and verbalizing are vastly different. Verbalizing has a finality to it. He has told me he is embarassed and disappointed in how his family acts. That said, he is not in tune to words, expression, and nuance to the degree that I am...things fly right over his head. As I mentioned earlier, I believe that because he loves them he just assumes that I love them too. I wanted to love all of them. It just hasn't worked out that way.
It was really good for me to think this through. I hope that this explanation adds clarity.
I get it @Trudie and I
I get it @Trudie and I understand the dishonest harmony vs. honest conflict. A lot of us have had to cope with people in our lives that live in dishonest harmony. It's not healthy but I get it. hang in there !
More thoughts....
YSD is socially awkward, I don't know that she has ill intent. I think that she just doesn't think, nor has anyone told her that snooping is not acceptable. Should she know this? As a thirty-something, yes, yes she should! In the past when I have brought things up, DH would respond with, "She's just a kid!". No, she is not! An adult in their thirties is certainly not a kid. (Thankfully I do not hear that comment anymore. I think DH has opened his eyes a bit. He will make comments like, "I don't think OSD and SO watch grandchild close enough." Agreed, they don't. Their parenting leaves much to be desired. How, though, can you expect an entitled adult who is propped up by family to effectively 'parent' when they don't effectively 'adult'?) What I see with her is entitlement. This gives me the 'ick'. I do not feed into or support this entitelment.
With the older people in DH's family, I see entitlement but they are also snooty and believe that they are better than others. With the younger people, I see spoiled and entitled 'kids', some of who would not make it in the world without being propped up. (However, the family believes them to be independent.) These traits alone would prevent me from choosing people like this to befriend. Add the fact that they are dismissive and treat me as less than...it's just a big "No".
It's interesting to me that even though I have considerable assets, they see me as less than. My assests were earned with hard work and by making smart and informed decsions. I did not gain them through trust funds and marrying rich men. I just shake my head at their nonsense.
Trudie, I'm calling it absolutely wrong that he can bring anyone
Trudie,
I'm calling it absolutely wrong that he can bring anyone he wants to visit your home though it is also his home. No, is no. Only if he asks and you agree can anyone visit. That works both ways.
It takes a very few seconds to call with an "Is it okay if (person X and Y) visits (date here)?". No need to answer immediately. Thank him for letting you know and tell him you will let him know shortly. Pull the immediacy out of it. Prepare, then give him an answer. This is not about the answer that he wants to hear. This is about your comfort and security in your home.
IMHO of course.
!
You get it, it is all about my comfort and security in my own home! I am realizing that now.
You know, they were all excited when I married into the family because they thought I was the 'magic bullet' who could help with OSD's issues. That changed when they realized they too would need to set limits with her behavior, say "no", and employ some tough love. It was like flipping a switch...I was no longer welcome, just tolerated. They are unwilling to do the work it takes to have healthy relationships. That is something that I can not change.
I am at the point in my life where all I am interested in are genuine and respectful relationships. That is what I give and I deserve the same in return. So, that would explain why I don't want them in my private, personal space.
@Rags for the win. This is
@Rags for the win. This is correct Trudie- your boundaries and you should be the priority.
Yes he should of asked you.
But you married your SO, you basically married his family too. As SO married your family. Since you feel down, SO must do the shopping for food and snacks. Make sure the house is clean and get what's needed. I always enjoyed my DW family . They welcome me it. ? Any way they did what w as expected of them. I did what was expected of me.
Ugh!
That is the same thing my son told me! He is a wise young man, too. I will say that his SO's family has welcomed him with open arms and think he is awesome. (I agree, he is.)
I need to ponder this...I'm pretty good at self-assessment, but maybe in this case I am making excuses for myself? I'm not sure that I am because I used to put in the work with all of them, before I realized they don't care and they are not my people.
I relate to you a lot, Trudie
I relate to you a lot, Trudie. I would have a hard time with that situation too. Do you feel that you are prone to guilt? I am, and thought I detected that in you,, but I could be wrong. My dh on the other hand is averse to conflict. Whether he would admit to it or not, I think he finds it easier to let me eat crow sometimes than to push back against SS or BM for fear of drama. But again, I don't think it's intentional. He doesn't see it as him choosing their welfare over mine. He sees it as me being more agreeable, and leans into that.
I've learned that dh is a lot more aware of my discomfort than he lets on sometimes. But as long as I don't express it, he can coast along his river of least resistence. When I do express it, which I have been more lately, he gets defensive. I think his defensiveness comes both from trying to keep things the way they are, and from his own guilt? That leads me to question my own perceptions, which is made easier because of my guilty conscious.
I'm making my dh sound bad. I think it's more like we're complicit because I have my enabling tendencies. When I do push back, he does, sometimes, indicate that he's put me in a bad spot and that he's sorry. He might still act defensively, but he does show me that he's aware in little ways. I've had to learn this over time because dh is quite doting and loving towards me, and is in general on my side. But he has weaknesses too that overlap with my own blind spots, and these weaknesses happen to have a huge impact on my daily life. It makes it really difficult when I'm used to him and me being a "we" and then suddenly having to switch having to stand up against him. But when I can do that, I have made things better overall.
I...
...understand so much of what you are saying! Guilt? That is a tough one! I would have said "no", but after thinking about it I actually lean middle to "yes". I feel tremendous guilt if I hurt someone, even if it's inadvertently. I try to always treat others the way I wish to be treated.
I believe our husbands may have similarities! Mine, too, is averse to conflict. (I keep telling him that respectful conflict can be a great thing. It can get everybody on the same page, or at least a snapshot of another's views, which can lead to understanding and resolution.) He finds it hard to push back against his family. I think there is a part of him that thinks he won't be loved unless he falls in line and serves others. (Service is great, but one has to be mindful of self.) Thankfully he is able to pushback against BM with no problem and he is also able to pushback against OSD's nonsense, even though it hurts him to do so even though he realizes it's for her own good. So many times I have wondered if love was given and taken away according to how obedient he was, served others, etc.? I tell him he should be loved simply for being himself, not for what he can do for them.
He also doesn't see it as choosing their welfare against mine; I don't believe he consciously thinks about it at all. However, if I bring something up and he does think about it, he remarks that I am stronger, more articulate, etc. Yes, I am...but why does that matter?
I am so glad that you are able to express yourself! That is huge! I understand the defensiveness, because I get that at times too. (Much less than I used to though.) I just back my statements up with facts, remaining pleasant and unemotional.
We, too, focus on being 'we'. It is not we against them, but we against a challenge.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and thank you for making me think. I appreciate it.
Succinct and elegant.
We, too, focus on being 'we'. It is not we against them, but we against a challenge.
Well said and a wonderful foundation for your life together.
I don't know you or your
I don't know you or your husband in real life, so I'm just taking stabs in the dark. But I find this site helpful because it does make me think about things differently and gives me food for thought. But this is the type of interaction I might have with dh when he's trying to intentionally/not intentionally appeal to my "better side" so that he can take the easier path: "He also doesn't see it as choosing their welfare against mine; I don't believe he consciously thinks about it at all. However, if I bring something up and he does think about it, he remarks that I am stronger, more articulate, etc. Yes, I am...but why does that matter?"
So either you are stronger and more articulate than them (and wouldn't let their actions bother you) or you are ...not?
Just in general, I'm noticing more when people massage things to make it easier for them. It's been a part of my progress to be less codependent to notice what others might to contributing to the problem versus blaming myself. I'm finding that people sometimes do things out of expedience and doesn't always understand the impact that might have on other people.