Pet Peeve or Create a Hard Boundary = Abusive Cheater BM Apologists
Graduation this time was easy, relaxed, simple and most importantly over quickly.
We had just come up to the row where we had assigned seating, and I saw Toxic Troll BM in all her glory - by herself except she was speaking to a niece of Husbands. Ive known her for 10 years and sometimes she greets me at family gatherings and sometimes doesnt. Niece was smiling warmly and gave Toxic Troll a hug. She spoke a few words to me later, and no hug (Husbands family are huggers). The niece is extremely friendly with SD25 Feral Forger and FF stayed with her and her family (at almost 40 she still lives at home ...she might be on the spectrum idk). I can understand and have accepted the lack of friendliness towards me due to FF's false narratives and I understand she "drank the coolaide". But Toxic Troll cheated, and abused. Why the heck hug that?
I cant let go of it, but know I eventually have to, as there will be more family gatherings (unless I leave or Husband passes) where I will be spending time in this persons company.
Ive read other blogs. "BM apologists" and "character deficiency" and all the buzzwords come to mind. If this person who is loosely attached has low character we dont need "them" in our lives.
It STILL chaps me. Im still working on letting it go, considering I might have PTSK or "drama addiction"...or the drama triangle we keep seeing all over.
Thank you for reading and your advice over the years.
- CLove's blog
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Im understanding that
I have a LOT of anger that has been brewing. Im really trying to "live my best life" and have a wonderful relationship (with me).
Today has been hard. Too far into my brain and "feelings".
And to be fair, this is really an offshoot to a bigger grievance I have = "why are crap people held in high esteem and treated well, while good, solid, nice people are treated badly? What kind of upside down world do we live in?"
Graduation is a milestone, a
Graduation is a milestone, a transition and with that comes all the reflecting back on the prior years and the hopes and worries about the future. It is normal to have strong emotions going on. Be easy on yourself.
Perspective
Yes, thank you for that.
"why are crap people held in
"why are crap people held in high esteem and treated well, while good, solid, nice people are treated badly? What kind of upside down world do we live in?"
Confirmation bias? Your brain believes what you tell it so if you believe that quote, you will see evidence of it everywhere you look.
Your world seems a little small and suffocating, and when you look around, you see a-holes getting away with everything. If you spent time with my friend group, you would see wonderful people having good things happening to them.
Challenge what you tell your brain and change your thought process. When you start practicing gratitude and looking for the good in the world, you will have a different confirmation bias.
I'd let it pass
Who knows why people do stuff? Let me share something I realized about myself. YSS is divorced from DW#1, they have 3 daughters. I wasn't super close to her but spent about 18 Christmases with her, visited them in their out-of--town home, went on a vacation with them. We got along and had good conversations.
YSS now has a new gf, I can tell he's really in to her and I wish them the best. But, I realized I won't be very close to her, it's like my brain used up all its energy on his first wife. Perhaps, if YSS and the new gf moved here and I spent a lot of time with them (doubtful,), I'd change. I felt the same from DH's family and understood they'd had a long relationship with BM. It's not fair but there it is.
Maybe that's what's going on with your DH's niece. I can't explain it, can only report what's going on on my head.
Justice
I think you want justice, Clove. The way TT has acted, she doesn't deserve the respect you do. Feelings and justice are often 2 different things, imo.
Justice
YES. My female frenemies whove done me wrong, Im watching the trickle in of Justice. One went back to being homeless and 5 years ago Husband had rescued her from that same thing, but shes so toxic and crazy and took gross advantage. And the frenemy that thought she was different and I was off base, shes had to deal with crazy toxic and drama in evicting her.
I just have to put that desire for JUSTICE into something more productive. Ive been wanting to hit something...!
However my roses are doing very well, and my fruit trees are going crazy.
I used to fiercely want
I used to fiercely want justice. Now I want peace more than anything. So, I leave the "justice" to God, karma, destiny. I do what I can, like vote and support causes I think bring justice. But my PEACE is more important than justice.
And you know what drove that? I wanted justice when I needed validation. I felt without justice, my reputation was in question. That if anyone thought badly of me, then others might think badly of me. Now, I am confident that I am a good person and I have realized that for too long I cared about the wrong people and their opinion of me. Today, I care most about MY opinion of myself and the people who also think well of me.
I think you are severely lacking in relationships where people think well of you. If you can break out of this little toxic bubble you live in and develop some friendships with people who see your kindness and good character, your POV would drastically change. And maybe, you'd care more about peace than justice.
The misguided urge for justice has led to a lot of unrest and war on this planet. Release it. Let the fates have their way with these people. Seek peace and care most about your opinion of yourself.
This is a very good point.
This is a very good point. It's part of the "sometimes you can be right.. or happy.. but not both". In the end, I want the life I live to be as enjoyable as possible. Focusing on injustices, unpleasantries and bad news only steals my peace and happiness. In the end, there is often very little we can do to change things so sometimes we have to figure out how to put them out of focus in our minds.. and lean into the positives.
I would also agree that there seem to be few positive people that are Pro-Clove in your life... and it has to be frustrating to constantly put yourself out there and put efforts towards your DH, his family and recieve less than nothing in return.. in fact you get negative equity.. and the more you try to do good.. the less they respond to you favorably.
I don't know.. but if Clove has things she loves.. she needs to focus on them.. and get involved with people who are not part of her toxic family stew.
Ive long felt this way.
About Husband's family.
When Feral Forger SD25 did her daddy bashing via family text, only ONE of his sisters came to his defence, called her out and told her to "stop that". This sisters son did the same thing and so did SD18 Powersulk.
I'm team... ask. Ask the
I'm team... ask. Ask the niece directly what she finds so appealing about the adulterous abusive Toxic Troll? Ask. She may not answer, but, it will send the message.
If you chew on it without asking, it will tend to linger. If you ask, you get it out, it is presented clearly, and... you get an answer either way. Either a direct answer explaining, or a behavioral answere when the one asked keeps hugging the POS.
Categorize the niece according to her actions.
Enjoy this new phase. Empty SDPPS 18 and graduated's room and make it a zen palace for yourself.
Put a cot in the garage and daddy and barnacle buddy can spend time with the never to launch youngest of the harpy trio.
The A$$k
I would LOVE to do the A$$k.
I'm sorry seeing that hurt
I'm sorry seeing that hurt your feelings and I sense that you are someone that has a strong need to see people treated according to how you see their behavior. aka a person who has done crappy stuff shouldn't be treated nicely and you, who have tried to do the right thing, shouldn't be shunned.
But, the thing is that niece is aligned with them.. has been for a long time and I will bet that she actually thinks that TT's actions were in some ways justified.. or at least understandable. She also is closely linked to the daughter.. and you don't have a good connection with FF.. so that stands to reason she would not have warm feelings towards you.
But... here is the other thing....do you think that the niece is well aware that TT can be a bit unpredictable? Do you think the "nice nice" she does with her is to ensure she is on the right side of someone that could "go off" in some way? You? You blow hard a bit.. and get mad.. but you don't do any real damage...so why risk inflaming "them" when "you" aren't any risk to her.. so she is civil to you.. but no real warmth.
I mean.. we could all rail away at the unfairness of life.. that bad people don't get what they deserve... I guess in the end, we have to look at our own plates and just concentrate on enjoying what we have... because we can waste an awful lot of our lives unhappy about what we don't have.... when in reality we have quite a lot.
Who knows why people do what
Who knows why people do what they do. BM isn't winning by any means because someone hugged her and didn't hug you.
If there are more family gatherings in your future, I'd suggest that you emotionally and spiritually arm yourself for them. BM is not a "winner" based on her character. If people like her, that is their problem. And remember that there is probably a lot more going on under the surface than you realize, anyway. Case in point: BM here appeared to have had a very supportive church community/group of friends who had all bought into her story of woe and victimization. It appeared on the surface that everyone believed her and loved her. It looked like a big fat con job to me, but, oh well. Fast forward to the present: SS slipped up and told DH that BM has no friends and, when she's not with SD (longtime enmeshment), she spends all of her time alone. Hmm. I assume (and believe) that people of crap character are often eventually exposed. We're just not right there to see it happen. And it can take a long time. Try to relax and let the universe do its thing.
Celebrate that those who
Celebrate that those who hugged TT did not infest you with the residuals of that nauseating action by hugging you next.