Does this get any better?
I have been with my husband for nearly 9 years now. He has 3 children from a previous marriage and we have 2 children together. The visitation arrangement has always been x 1 visit during the week for tea and then a sleepover every weekend. I firstly just want to stress how good my step kids are. They are brilliant children, well behaved, well mannered and they have never been disrespectful to me at all. We largely have a good relationship and I perform all the same parental duties that I do for my own children. I am very aware that my situation could have been so much more difficult if the children were badly behaved and not accepting of me at all. For the last 9 years I have put a lot of effort in to always make sure my 'true' feelings underneath never surface in front of the children as they are just children at the end of the day and they don't deserve any ill feelings when they are just coming to visit their dad. My feelings have been up and down at times, we have had some good memories together and for the most part my my kids and his kids get on well and play together nicely. I guess i'm writing this to try to normalise the constant feeling of resentment I feel underneath. I feel awful writing this but I do almost long for a more simpler life where I have more control of my situation and routine. I feel at the mercy of visitation arrangements that were made long before I was on the scene and feel they dictate my life, I quite often feel trapped in a house full of children. I think the problem mainly lies with me, as I am an introvert and I love my own quiet space to feel comfortable in. When they do come to visit I don't feel I can fully be myself and relax, I often sit in my bedroom and watch TV with my youngest to escape the chaos. I also arrange additional shifts at work so I am out of the house and out of the way. Which often means I don't get much time with my husband. I feel being a step parent is a thankless job at times, you are still expected to perform all of the parental duties you normally would without little thanks or love reciprocated from the children. Also paying child maintenance every month effects how much I can spend on my own children and when his kids come in all branded clothes it just touches a nerve. I know it shouldn't but I have to be honest about how I feel. My husband is really understanding and i feel I can be open with him about how i feel so i'm lucky in that sense. I know my situation will never change because I love my husband very much and would never leave but just want to know i'm not the only one out there that feels this way. For context, I met my husband relatively young at 21 and did not have any kids of my own so didnt fully understand what sacrifices I was going to have to make whuch I dont think has helped. Appreciate any advice on how to navigate the feelings of resentment so I dont end up bitter and twisted. Thanks!
Your situation can change
BM can get sick, In a bad accident, get arrested, find a exciting boy toy. And kids can be there 24/7/365.
Exactly What Happened Here
And now we have SS10 permanently. It's misery & I am not very thrilled about it.
You speak for all of us
We all feel like you do, leading a more complicated life, seeing family money going out, unappreciated. Just know that your feelings are normal.
As you realize, you are lucky that your stepkids are well-behaved. And, your DH sounds understanding. But, Harry is correct, you are only one heartbeat away from having them full time, like I learned (BM didn't die just let her 3 kids go).
You are correct that being an introvert makes it worse. I was the same. I heard the chaos of 5 kids, too, it was overwhelming. I'm 79 so way past it but the things that helped me were counseling, going back to work and (surprise) having the 3 kids move in full time which reduced the transitions.
Good luck, it's a long haul. If you love your DH, there's a happy time ahead once they grow up and move out. We look back and wonder how we did it
Doing nothing, changes nothing.
It only gets better if you insist that it gets better.
A fairly common thread of Sparental misery is EWE visitation. That gives no one a break and gives a 2nd marriage/family zero chance to normalize and have core family/couple only time together.
While ending a blended family marriage certainly can make things better, it is not always necessary to go with the Nuclear option. If you and DH are truly equity life partners, you may be able to partner on improvements.
Though your situation is apparently EWE for both sides of the blended family equation. Maybe an improvement would be seen if DH and BM adjusted to a one visit per week for tea and then EOWE rather than the current schedule. No change in actual # of days so there should be no change in support payments ,It would give your, DH, and your joint children a chance to have regular core family time.
The beauty of CS/CM is ... that it ends eventually. and the prostitution installment plan payments made to his X go away. Interestingly, even as the CP side of our blended family equation the end of CS was a stress reducer. It meant whe had zero impetus to interface with the toxic opposition in the shallow and polluted end of SS's gene pool at all. It also pulled the SpermClan's teeth in complaining to SS that CS was a burden, taking food out of the three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs mouths, and how it was not fair that SS had nice things and experiences that his half sibs didn't.
If BM is reasonable, then great. If she is a nighmare, then that has to be confronted.
Supporting/raising someone elses children is not generaly a natural thing for anyone to do. While it certainly isn't rare, it is not "normal". Your resentment is not unreasonable so don't beat yourself up about it. Give some changes a try and see if you can tune and balance things so you can get some relief, put some more dedicated time into your own family, your marrage, and some 1:1 time with your DH. An EOWE shedule will give you the ability to schedule some couple only time when the Skids are on BM's WE and you both can arrange care of your "ours" children. That is what ILs are for. Both your ILs, and DH's ILs.
If she is reasonable, BM might see the benefit of getting EOWE off from her kids.
Give it a shot. Doing nothing, changes nothing.
Take care of you.