BM is a TRIP, All she cares is that her daughter is "trendy, hip and popular"
It never ends, so SD12 has made life interesting to say the least the last few months and her mother is NOT helping things. So the other night BM contacts my SO saying that SD will be going to a friends after school and the friend's mom will bring her to our house. Around 6pm I was heading out to get dinner with my sister and I thought I could bring SD with me. So my SO calls his daughter and she becomes very secretative. He quickly tells her to put an adult on the phone. He finds out within a minute that she is at her boyfriends house, hanging out in his room. SHE IS 12. The boys mother gives him an attituide and he says "bring her home now".
Flashforward I get home from dinner and ghe shows me a text chain. First BM asking what his problem was, that she knew that her daughter was at her boyfriends and that he offended the boys mom. This started a chain back and forth, one where my SO asking if the outfit she had on was approipriate for a 12 year old and BM saying "It's Fashinable, it's no worse than leggings" they were ripped jeans that had 5-6 rips down BOTH legs, BOTH sides with fishnets underneath. Then BM saying "She went to school today, she didn't get in trouble, cant you reconize the good she is doing?" For anyone who hasn't read my previous post she is getting suspended 2-3 per month, she is swearing at teachers, she is NOT doing well in general and to expect us to "award" her because she made it through a day without getting in trouble.
He ended the text with a "I am filing for full custody, an absentee mother doesn't work here" Of course she blocked all her social media which would be much of the proof we need that shje leaves her daughter until late night/early morning often so she can sing in a band, fish at midnight, go to Red Sox games etc...I told him he shouldn't have said that via text until we were fully ready with more than emails and text messages for supporting evidence.
TMI can be a problem. DH
TMI can be a problem. DH needs to keep his cards much closer to his chest as he builds his plan for getting what he is seeking.
Are you sure you want this
Are you sure you want this wild 12yo moving in with you? At least now you have breaks from toxic. A steady diet of it is rough and can affect your health. Full custody opens the door to more meddling from a toxic BM. You will never be able to erase the fun with BM from her mind. It will be a fond memory when Dad cracks down on her. That can cause even more problems in your marriage. I hope your strong enough for this fight.
We have talked about his
We have talked about his daughter being with us fulltime. The issue exist when she is at her mom's or in transition to our house where no one tells us what is happening, everything is done without communication and we end up here again. I told my SO that he SHOULDN'T have put in a text that he would file for full custody for the exact reason you guys mentioned, this shouldn't be something she can prepare for. The BM kisses my ass, she is such a high level of fake all I do it laugh at her antics except when she is being a shitty mother. I have a solid relationship with SD, she and I talk about everything and I am more of another adult rather than a parent with her anyways. I sort of exist as a liason between her and her father, making her understand her where her father is coming from, because his ex makes him out to be a monster because he has rules and expectations as far as behavior for his daughter.
It took us the last year to get his ex from texting everytime she couldn't handle her daughter, she no longer does this, which is a little bit of toxic out of my life. But there isn't much toxic when she is at our house, it's actually pretty quiet and enjoyable.
I am not sure what will happen next, perhaps this will cause her to act right or be a friggen adult for a while but yeah he shoulnd't have told her his intentions, because now she can cover up all the bs, I am ready to tell him to hire a PI to follow her when she has her daughter.
I'd like to say something positive,
but have nothing. This is BAD, for many reasons. I've lived it, so please indulge me as I paint a bleak picture for you:
A custody battle will cost you upwards of 20k easily, and without some sort of damning proof (trafficking the skid, arrests for dealing drugs/prostitution, something downright awful) your DH is likely going to lose no matter what line a money hungry attorney feeds him. Family court is still VERY mommycentric, and even if you do succeed in proving educational neglect, your DH will be lucky to win 50/50 - which will bring a whole new world of problems. You'll get the ongoing pleasure of dealing more frequently with a skid who's already been ruined by a mother who will do her best to further alienate her from her father and you. Your life will be filled with strife, appointments with therapists, school counselors, and additional legal fees that will keep you broke while BM pays no cs and gets off Scot free.This skid has already been programmed and broken, your DH won't have enough influence over her to affect any change, and your home will have no peace because of this.
I'm sorry to be so negative, because there's no doubt that your BM is an AWFUL parent. Fishnet stockings and boyfriends at twelve? Multiple suspensions and swearing at teachers?? In a perfect world, the Ministry for Children would permanently banish BM from this child's life, but that's not how court works. This kid is already hardbroke and in need of long term boot camp. You're facing years of misery with her. Is she in any type of therapy? I think I'd start now putting boundaries in place for when SD ages out: no adult children living with you, no posting bail money or raising her oopsie babies for her, no enabling or throwing money at the problem.
She is in therapy but the
She is in therapy but the minute her mother became the area of contention during therapy sessions BM started looking for excuses NOT to bring her daughter. So when therapy is on days that she is with BM, 9 times out of 10 she doesn't go. BM works from home, travels 3 days per week but on days of therapy she is working from home, and "can't make time" to bring her, which is bullshit.
So perhaps I should stop encourging him to get MORE custody of his daughter, I don't know where the line is as I sometimes think she does better when she is with us, but at the same time the inconsitent nature of parenting because BM wants to be her friend and not her parent doesn't help one bit.
NO
This kid is going to end your marriage. You will not be happy with SD and then SO. For SD making you lose what you have now.