How can I get my SD to get job and save money and her drivers license when her dad is of no help and plays the friend and offers no guidance and yells at me if I get involved.
Seriously, you can't. But you also don't need to cater to the lazy cow. Lots of discussion on these pages about disengaging, and that's your best approach. Do nothing for her--no driving, no laundry, no money, etc.
You also need to look at your own happiness and boundaries too. Is joint money funding her lazy lifestyle? Is DH's time and attention more focused on her than you? What's the plan for launching her into adulthood, or is she going to live with you forever?
Im a big proponent of individual counseling to help define and manage boundaries. Just make sure the therapist is experienced in stepfamily dynamics.
Pay her first month rent. And some cooked frozen dinners. Saying you are on your own Or give DH 6 months to get his DD out of the house or he can go with her
You control what you can (yourself), and arrange things so that it's your partner who suffers consequences instead of you.
SD makes a mess/wants a ride/needs money? "Honey, you need to clean the bathroon/clean the kitchen/pick up the living room." "No, I can't take Slobella to the store, you need to." Not enough food in the house because the skid is a pig? Partner eats rice and beans. And separate finances so you're not enabling. "FYI dear, once Slobella graduates high school my financial contribution to the household will drop from 50-50 to 1/3-2/3."
You also need to think hard about whether you want to stay with this crappy parent, because poorly raised kids never really go away. They lack the life skills and good habits to successfully adult, and girls are especially problematic as they can get pregnant. Do you want his kids and their bait babies boomeranging back? Decide on some hard limits. Get some long term strategies in place (agreement that no other adults can live with you, a move to a small home with no room for guests in a different state/country etc) and put together money and a plan as an exit strategy just in case.
Then... be completely uninvolved. No money contributed. No cooking, no cleaning, no picking up or dropping off, or tolerating his toxic spawn in your presence.
Let daddy see how 'not getting involved' feels and how much work you not being involved is for him.
Then tell him that you will not be involved in any way, not one Cent contributed, not one second given and he will keep his spawn under control and well behaved or he and the spawn are gone.
You can't. It's your SO's
You can't. It's your SO's problem, not yours. After you back off wait to see if he rises to the occasion. If he won't step-up then leave him.
Seriously, you can't. But you
Seriously, you can't. But you also don't need to cater to the lazy cow. Lots of discussion on these pages about disengaging, and that's your best approach. Do nothing for her--no driving, no laundry, no money, etc.
You also need to look at your own happiness and boundaries too. Is joint money funding her lazy lifestyle? Is DH's time and attention more focused on her than you? What's the plan for launching her into adulthood, or is she going to live with you forever?
Im a big proponent of individual counseling to help define and manage boundaries. Just make sure the therapist is experienced in stepfamily dynamics.
Give SD. 6 Month to move out
Pay her first month rent. And some cooked frozen dinners. Saying you are on your own Or give DH 6 months to get his DD out of the house or he can go with her
You control what you can
You control what you can (yourself), and arrange things so that it's your partner who suffers consequences instead of you.
SD makes a mess/wants a ride/needs money? "Honey, you need to clean the bathroon/clean the kitchen/pick up the living room." "No, I can't take Slobella to the store, you need to." Not enough food in the house because the skid is a pig? Partner eats rice and beans. And separate finances so you're not enabling. "FYI dear, once Slobella graduates high school my financial contribution to the household will drop from 50-50 to 1/3-2/3."
You also need to think hard about whether you want to stay with this crappy parent, because poorly raised kids never really go away. They lack the life skills and good habits to successfully adult, and girls are especially problematic as they can get pregnant. Do you want his kids and their bait babies boomeranging back? Decide on some hard limits. Get some long term strategies in place (agreement that no other adults can live with you, a move to a small home with no room for guests in a different state/country etc) and put together money and a plan as an exit strategy just in case.
Stop contributing to the
Stop contributing to the household expenses.
. Bet that will get his attention.
HE wants hit kids to be treated special, he can get a 2nd job to cover everything.
to
He yells at you when you get
He yells at you when you get involved?
Then... be completely uninvolved. No money contributed. No cooking, no cleaning, no picking up or dropping off, or tolerating his toxic spawn in your presence.
Let daddy see how 'not getting involved' feels and how much work you not being involved is for him.
Then tell him that you will not be involved in any way, not one Cent contributed, not one second given and he will keep his spawn under control and well behaved or he and the spawn are gone.