First of all I want to say I am new to this site and am so glad I found it! I googled "can't bond with my step-daughter" and found this site! I am hoping this is somewhere I can not only come to vent, but maybe find some solutions via advice and learning from other people's experiences. Now, please pardon the length of my initial post because this will be my first time telling my story on this site.

Let me say up-front that I don't "hate" my almost 19yo SS and 11.5yo SD, I just don't "love" them either - at least not like I love my own almost 6yo BS and both me & my husband's just turned 1yo BS. I do "care" about my step-children in the same way that I care about my friends' children in that I wish them only the best and that no harm will come to them, but like my friends' children, I'd like not to have to see them, provide for them or even hear about them unless I choose to do so, but when I married a man who had full legal and physical custody of a teenage boy whose mother had been absent both physically and financially since 9mos, and informal joint custody of daughter who was the product of a "friends with benefits" relationship and whose mother decided that having a child with an involved father meant she was free to be a half-assed parent, I guess I can only blame myself for getting into this mess!

I don't think my step-children are "bad" children, I just don't think they are particular "good" children either. They are basic, average children who are the product of selfish and "guilt" parenting without structure, discipline, guidance, and direction, so of course I cannot hold that against them. They are are a teenage boy and a pre-teen girl who had no bedtime until step-mom instituted one for her own sanity! Who can listen to whatever kind of music they want, watch whatever movie or tv show they want, surf on the web on any site they want, and talk on the phone to whoever they want for however long they want without any monitoring or supervision. Who can eat anything they want and of course opt for snacks and fast food at every opportunity they can, and are never encouraged to eat anything healthy. Who think the floor is as good a place for garbage and dirty (or clean) clothes as any trashcan, laundry basket or closet because of course going to the trashcan to toss out garbage requires too much effort. Who eat and leave dirty dishes, tables, floors, countertops and appliances for someone else to clean up. Shower, and leave scum rings and wet floors and towels for a full-term pregnant and sick with hyperemesis step-mother to get on her hands and knees to clean up after because they or their father won't do it. Who still need to be told to brush their teeth and shower on a daily basis, and can go days out in public without doing so if not told - even sleeping over with friends without clean underwear - and 11.5yo SD has already begun having a monthly visitor! They are are teenage boy who barely graduated high school because he had a father who encouraged him to drop out upon repeated receipt of failing report cards rather than even once bothering to ask to see and/or offer to help with homework. A teenage boy who is too sick to go to school one day, but well enough to go hang out and have fun on daddy's dime later the same day. A teenage boy whose father will help him find resources to flush his system of marijuana before a drug test and swap tales of his own experience rather than take a stand to forbid or at least discourage the activity. A teenage boy whose father will pay his fines when he is caught stealing or when he gets his girlfriend's car impounded for driving without a license rather than make him earn money to pay it himself, but on the other hand would not let son use his car so he can get a license because he didn't want son behind the wheel of his expensive car! A pre-teen girl who has been conditioned to expect to eat out for every meal, do something fun, and go home with something new upon every visit, and is disappointed on the rare ocassions when this does not happen. A pre-teen girl whose father will yell at her after she's caught by her step-mom surfing porn on the net, but then is allowed to waltz right back to her room and resume surfing the net unsupervised until step-mom comes in and shuts it down! I could go on, but you get the idea! I feel sorry for these kids because I know the potential consequences of this type of parenting. My father had a similar "guilt" parenting style for visits and when I eventually went to live with him as a teenager, but unbeknownst to me it would be that very structure, discipline, guidance and direction that my mother established for me at a young age and that I rebelled against as teenager that saved me from a pitiful adult state! Unfortunately my step-children did/do not have that balance in their own mothers and it is already too late for my SS who moved out as soon as he turned 18 and has it seems had nothing but struggles since then as he tries on his own now to learn how to be a responsible independent adult, and I sincerely believe it is too late for my SD too because daddy refuses to see that she is just a younger, female version of my SS but rather he thinks she is "special" and "different" so he hasn't changed his parenting style bit! My thoughts? Keep rewarding mediocrity and that is exactly what you will get!

On the other hand, my number one goal in life once I had children was to strive to raise the best young adults I could! I care about their education. I care about their hygiene. I care that they live in a clean home in a safe neighborhood and even that I do my part for the environment to help protect the world my children live in (something my husband thinks is silly!) I care about setting a good example for them to follow and encouraging them to be the best they can be, which is why I work my butt off to provide a comfortable life for them now, and why I want to leave something for them rather than my debt to pay when I'm gone! I THOUGHT this was what ALL parents wanted to their children, for the children to have a better life than they had, but also to teach them the values that will allow them to get the same for themselves, but I guess I was wrong. Instead, I now RESENT the presence of my step-children because of 1) what I believe is a poor example their presence sets for my children, especially because my SD gets preferential treatment over my children, 2) the fact that the step-children undeservedly reap some benefit from the comforts I've worked so hard to be able to provide for my own children without their own parents having to put forth any effort to provide it, and 3) that it feels very disrespectful to me for these children to be in my home and not only be able to ignore my rules without repurcussion while my own much younger child cannot, but to know that this probably will never change, and that I will have several depressed days and battles on my hand for the next 6.5 years every time my husband wants to spend time with his daughter in my "space" unless one of us decides to go ahead and call it quits before then!

So here I am trying to figure out if this marriage can be saved while every effort I make to try to come together with my husband to correct the situation ends an argument where I am accused of not liking his kids. He still doesn't get that it is his poor parenting that I don't like, not his kids, even though I say this every time! Meanwhile, his continued attempts to be his daughter's friend rather her parent out of guilt for not seeing her everyday at expense of neglecting our baby son together and extreme opposite strictly parenting my 6yo BS has pushed me to the edge! When I was pregnant with our 1yo BS I was so hoping it was girl because I hoped that would at least bump his daughter from being his "precious baby girl", especially since he never loved her mother and I know he loves me, but now I'm not so sure that would've made any difference. I realize now that one of the very things that attracted me to my husband, his role as a father, was not all it appeared to be. I know now that my while my husband's picker got better going from a piss-poor mother of his first child, to a half-assed mother for his second child, and now a great mother for his third child in me as his wife, I fear my picker has gotten worse, actually going from my first husband who didn't have or want to have children but fully stepped-up when he had one, to my second husband who thinks parenting means providing the basics when you have to, and then do whatever else that feels good to everyone rather than what's best for the children! Unfortunately I know now that my husband was just the "default" parent, picking up the slack where his children's mothers did not and overcompensating for it, and since his youngest child has a great mother in me, it appears that my husband feels he doesn't have to do much at all except play with 1yo BS and try to discipline my 6yo BS when I'm "being too soft", leaving all of his focus on his own daughter and of course himself and his own needs, but where does that leave me? Where does that leave my children? Where does that leave this marriage? I do love my husband, but it does not look like this marriage can be saved...can it? I really need some solutions - and FAST! Please help!

NOTE: Our home is mine, I owned it and paid all of the household bills on my own prior to the marriage and I make more money than him even though he makes decent money, so I am not financially dependent on him - I just LOVE HIM and want to be with him! Please help!