First, I can relate to the young grandparent thing as I too had my only bio in my teens and she just turned 20 years old. Thank God though that she is responsible and has not made me a grandparent!!!

Secondly, you are not selfish at all. If you are this miserable, you should talk with your wife. If that does not work, file for divorce and file for custody of the bios.

I think you are in a real mess right now. I can't advise you any further as you have stated that you have made a choice to stay, for your kid's sake.

good luck.

Dear Struggling Father:

That’s my name for you! Smiles! I disagree with being deceitful in getting your wife prepared for divorce. You have a daughter and imagine how you would feel if some jokesters did that to her? Always treat your wife how you would want someone to treat your female family members. Smiles.

I do agree you do have a mess going there but all is not lost. Smiles. The problem is you don’t have a life. You are living and providing for others to have a life, but you don’t have a life and you resent those who you are taking care of, and placing blame on them as to why you don’t have that life you desperately crave. Smiles. If your wife did not put a gun to your head and make you stay. . . then you can blame you for not having a life. It was very noble in doing the right thing for your children, but it was a gift you really didn’t want to give and you should have kept it! I hate when people do something for me begrudgingly, and then turn around and tell me they did it because they love me. Love is never heavy for any reason. Smiles.

What I have learned in many years of counseling is that you need to look at your life like it is an elephant. If someone gave you an elephant to eat how would you eat it? Probably one bite at a time. This is how you need to handle your state of affairs in order to bring about a winning situation for all parties involved.

I am afraid your wife is going to kick and scream as you start the process. LOL’s. She has gotten use to being a kept woman, and have no shame in allowing you to shoulder all the financial responsibility. Shame on her! I would feel less of a woman if I would allow my husband to take on responsibilities that are not his. Not sure if you are a Christian but the Bible gives a perfect example of what a model wife should look and act like.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. ~Proverbs 31:10-31

I think you need to find time to sit with your wife and give her a list of things she can do to help you help her take care of her grandson. There are loads of programs that will assist grandparents in getting new clothes, shoes, and etc. She can also get monies from the state to help with the financial load for her grandson. The state will then go after the parents, and make them financially responsible for the cost of raising their child. However, this can only work if you and your wife are uncompromising in implementing the process of making your stepson and his wife responsible for their kid. Smiles. There is nothing like a good dose of reality to waking a body up to life responsibilities. LOL’s.

Then you need to purchase the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The information within the pages of this wonderful book will truly help you learn “when to say yes, when to say no” and “take control of your life.” Smiles. Because for some strange reason you have made yourself the sacrificial lamb. LOL’s. The mere fact you went along with your wife quitting her job after the children were teenager tells me something is wrong. Especially if she did not seek other ways to make monies from home. Smiles.

You need to also sit with your wife and make a budget since monies spent are going on children who are do nothings. You should set an amount for gas. Once gas monies are gone, then the cars don’t move. Hopefully she will remember the needs of the younger two before she help her older sons. She really need to learn how to cut her older two children off financially. Smiles. What I was trying to convey is, set a budget then put other monies into some type of investment account and start building a financial portfolio. Put it where neither party can touch it. So if a divorce does come about each of you will have monies to start anew. Smiles. If she can’t get it together then you set the budget. You decided how much should go where. You invest the monies you earn, so, that if a divorce does come about you will have something to start anew. Your case sounds just like my husband. LOL’s. He did the same thing and now we are having to deal with the stresses of meeting financial obligations he stupidly went along with. Ugh!

Everyone like to be romance, perhaps if you and your wife can get some of the monies stresses under control then each can release their inner tiger! LOL’s. You might be surprised by your wife’s new found self once you both learn how to say no to children who want to live like their father. LOL’s.

Well it is late and I need to fix dinner. You take care!

I think your wife lost your respect because she enables the situation instead of making it better. You have to be a stand up parent and hold the kids feet to the fire to be a good parent.

She needs to quit taking the child to visit drug addicts and focus on you and her's relationship.

I think you could love her if she could stop being an idiot soft fudgy stupid woman.

You are not selfish, but the child is a gift, I hope you can grow to love and want to be a grandpa. You may be the only good thing that has happened to that kid. Tell your wife to STOP frikin enabling the druggies and do something right for a change. What she is doing isn't love, it is bullshit. Screw the druggies, concentrate on you and the kid, where the attention would do some good.

BigGreenBay....these sitautions are very tough. I have 2 stepsons as well, 27 & 29, been with husband 22 years. Husband had custody and bio mom was in her own world and saw them once a year.....basically I raised the boys. 29 year old can't keep a job and I do not believe he wants to work, he parties, plays, smokes, drinks, he is a thief, a liar, cannot keep a girlfriend because he can't be faithful, very destructive lifestyle, lives with bio mom who aides and supports it all. Younger boy was heading down the same road but stayed at home 2 years longer than the older boy.....it was extrememly trying.....husband wnated to be like bio mom and just let the boys do as they wished, not expecting anythng of them. I would not hear of it, of course that puts me in a real bad spot....my husband felt I didn't love his son and I was picking which is not the case. I had been a huge part of this kid's life since he was 5, I saw him as my son, he called me mom.

I understand your frustration, you and your wife are not on the same page when it comes to your expectations of the boys. Peronally, when I went thru this I was shocked at what the bio parents felt was okay for their sons. The oldest had a huge stealing problem, his room was filled with stolen items and his dad wanted to turn a blind-eye to it all. He would not even confont the situation, said he didn't want to accuse his son. It wasn't about accusing, so I asked, he admitted. We took the steps to see that he made aplogies and returned as much as possible, SS had a tantrum about that, saying it was unfair and husband was very resistant to follow thru but he did thank goodness. I think you get what I am saying here.

You have rights to be upset, your wife and bio dad are allowing this behavior from the boys. You can see what the bio parents are blind to and the boys will play the parents until they take a stand and quit babying.

With us, when the younger boys didn't want to go to college after graduating highschool, I said, "fine but he will ahve to pay rent as long as he lives here and he will have to have a job." He did it. He still wasn't interested in school but we encouraged that he do something because his jobs without an education were going to be low pay dead-ends. He went into the military. This boy is somewhat smaller than the average and has a bit of a cocky attitude and a temper.....I was just waiting for the day someone would pound his head in. He started off drinking heavy like his brother but then met a girl he fell in love with and she woudln't tolerate the drinking. I think their relationship is a little stormy but we expected responsible actions form him and we carried thru.

I know this is a little long, I so understand your post. Many of my friends are in 20 year marriages, it's a real hard time with all the history with everything that has happened thru the years. Like you, I too long for what I feel I have missed, the intimacy of a loving relationship. However, at the same time I know that I could very easily be trading one step fmaily sitaution that I have been dealing with for another one that is even more difficult. My husband and I are far from the days of being that steamy couple who couldn't get enough of each other, and like you, I have felt I stayed to make sure the one child we share has her dad at least til she graduates. Meantime, I am trying to work on me.

Try to get thru to your wife how important these boundaries are and try to get her onboard to let the boys grow up. Don't support them finacially anymore. I finally had to tell one of my bios that I could no longer send her money to help them, she is 25. Kids will sit with their hands held out as long as you let them.

Many of the things posted on here are very good advice and I think there is a lot of value in what people are suggesting. However, I do have a problem with the idea that any man 40 and over who wants to leave his wife is having a "mid-life crisis." Its just too easy for people outside of your situation to come to this conclusion as the only justifiable answer for leaving your wife. That's what people have said to my SO even though he's been saying for 10 years that he was unhappily married and it's a bunch of crap. My guess is that you DID love your wife at some point even if it was years ago. People certainly fall out of love with each other, it's not something that you can control. You feel the way you feel and I hope that you don't feel guilty over that. You stayed as long as you could and you didn't HAVE to do that. I understand also why you stayed and I respect that you wanted the best life for your children. You did what you thought was right and nobody will take that away from you. My SO and I have been together for 1.5 years as he has been going through a divorce. He had a similar situation in that he married his ex wife because she was pregnant and then once they were married he pretty much assumed that he was stuck there. He has 2 daughters, both in their 20's now and learning to be on their own. It's been a slow process but I can see them getting their act together in the next couple of years...they are already making progress.

You should know that this is going to be a slow and long process for you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I can tell you, even in my SO's situation where he is not paying CS, he will be paying alimony and it's a long story but the short of it is that his ex is lazy and entitled and believes that because 20+ years ago she squeezed 2 babies out of her she deserves to be taken care of the rest of her life and not lift a finger. It's pretty much the attitude she has had for 22 years of marriage so why would she change her views now? Aside from that...she is bitter and angry that her ex husband is with someone younger and obviously a lot smarter than she is and as such she has dragged this process on as long as possible. She carries his balls around in a pretty little purse because she CAN. She has the control as the scorned wife. He did not cheat on her or leave her for me. I came along after, even though it was a short time after. By the time all is said and done it might be just about 2 years that this has gone on. It could have been wrapped up long before that but she wants my SO to suffer because he DARED to leave her. If I were not around...perhaps it would have been easier as far is the divorce is concerned but it is what it is. Keep that in mind also...if you are with someone, it will be harder on everyone involved and the likelihood of having a successful relationship with this other person despite all of those things is very low. I'm not suggesting you are involved but it's just a warning if this happens.

My suggestion to you would be to speak to a lawyer. I know other people have said this but I'm telling you, the advice from the lawyer is what you really need right now. You can sit down and make a plan with him/her as to what the best situation would be and there is a such thing as going about this the smart way also. Many divorces are painful and emotional. I am sure that there are some that are not this way and some that are worse than others. Everyone has got a different situation so anything you read on here is just a perspective of what others have experienced and so is mine.

I respect you for taking care of others in your life because you felt it was the right thing. It sounds as if the situation has gotten out of control and I agree with you, time to get out. If you don't love your wife and your kids are grown or at least enough so that you are comfortable moving on then this is what you must do. It's going to hurt and I know how difficult that decision is even when you've been gone for awhile afterwards. It's not easy and the process is going to take some time but when all is said and done the result is the same...divorced. You will expect to pay CS and alimony but as I said if you are careful and you go about this the right way it might not be the worst case scenario. There is potential for this to go many different ways and I will also say that I don't believe there is any way you can be prepared for all the ways this could shake down BUT you need to keep your eyes open. Be VERY careful how you word things to your wife because she can and will twist things around and throw it back in your face in court to get what she wants fair or not. She might be a wonderful person BUT people become very ugly in divorce and you might see some traits of hers that you've never witnessed before. Be prepared for this. It changes people's attitudes. My best advice...try as hard as you possibly can to view this as a business transaction. I know that sounds so shallow and ridiculous but I have been through this. She will kick and scream and fight with you as much as she can and if you let yourself get wrapped up in that and you can't focus on what needs to be done...you will be digging yourself out of financial and psychological turmoil for years. This man I care about is going through a divorce so I have been there since the beginning and I'm telling you if I knew then what I know now...things would have been VERY different. I know you feel guilty for some things and I get that but don't let that dictate to you what is rightfully yours and legal for her. You should not have to live in squaller because she's pissed off. Trust me, you will see her as a different person when this is done.

Talk to your lawyer, make a plan and be VERY, VERY, VERY careful.

Best of luck to you, I know this is an extremely difficult decision but if it's what you want there's the best possibility that it's worth it in the end. Keep us posted.

BigRGreenBay......you said something in your original post that made me a littl curious. You said that you marreid your wife but wasn't real sure about it at the time. Again, just curious.....how long did you date, did you ask her, and do you know why you were uneasy about the marriage to begin with? You said she became pg and by then from what I gathered it was almost an obligation more than anything. Had you talked about children? Were you on mutla ground about the pg?

The reason I ask is two-fold here.....if you are going thru with things to please others rather than what you feel I would highly suggest reading about codendency. The other reason I ask is some of what you have said makes me wonder if my husband felt the same and I was just trying to figure out how the thoughts were being processed.

My husband was very resistant.....did want to hold my hand when we were dating, didn't want to kiss in public (said it was against military policy). He had been divoced 3 years and me 2 when we met. He marreid his first wife because she was pg and realized he didn't know or love her and divorced her after 4 years of marriage. He seemed to have only loved one person in his life and everyone else was just for fun sex partners basically. We dated 3 years and the whole time I felt the relationship was one sided and I felt that if I had not persued him he would not have persued me but he also wasn't the type to persue women, said it hurt to bad to be rejected. (That's pretty serious pronblems with rejection if you ask me.) We did marry and nothing has ever changed in the whole time we have been together....if we go out to eat it's because I have asked him. If we go on vacation it was my idea. If we have sex it's because I initiated it. If anything gets done inside or outside the home it's because I had the idea. It has been like living with a brick. He shows no joy in being with me. he has not told me he loves me in forever. In fact I have said many times that I felt that he doesn't and he'd always reassure me he did. In recent years after admiited that he and his military buddings had tried to get into a brothel in Holland (he is all laughing) to drink a beer, And finally admitted to repeated emotional affairs with women (where he again laughed again when I asked if he thought of sex with them, saying "of course I'm a man") I decided he has made his choices and those choices were not about me as he has done nothing to pursue me or show any interest in me. I stopped being the ideas person, I stopped nbeing his slave, I stopped catering to him, I stopped initiating sex with him and I started living my own life for me. I no longer had anything to do with his sons or his family that had caused so much trouble in my life and he let it all go. 6 months went by this way before he finally came to me to initiate anything with me, yes, 6 months. I then told him how I felt as I have expressed in this post. Again nothing, he acts like he coudl care less and to me it's like he's holding a grudge....more than likely knowing him, it is a grudge that I stopped persuing him sexually but all I was doing was sacrificing myself anyway.....I was trying to please him and I don't think he even cared. We have been together 22 years and I ahve only started making changes in this past year.

Maybe you can understand my husband as maybe you and he have done the same, married but were not available to your wife? If that's the case, maybe you can understand where she is coming from by reading what I have felt and been thru. Not sure it's the same situation, and again I agree that bio parents need to take a stronger step with boundaries for their sons as this is only going to continue to cause issues in your marriage.

BigRGreenBay.....oh, I definatley would say that you knew all along this wasn't the right person for you but it was definately a feeling of obligation to the children more than anything. I was once in a relationship like that, he felt more for me than I did for him, was engaged but could not carry thru. I am really thankful no kids resulted from that relationship as I could easily be in your sitaution now.

Let me add something here to all that....I read the book "Your Erroneous Zones" which really made me realize that we do way too much "shoulds" in our lives. We are trained to act this way, say this, be this or that, obligation after obligation that fill our lives without much real thought of what we actually want from our own lives. Alot of what we are trained to do and the way we live becomes garbage as we shoulder too much responsibility for thigns we do not have to be responsible for. I highly suggest the book to you and it may give you the answers your seeking about your marriage.

My husband's behavior can be a bit different and hard for me to understand. I actually visited a counselor before we got married as there were some things I could not put a finger. She told me that husband was passive-aggressive and this would be the most difficult relationship I had been in if I continued and she was right.

When I met husband he had been divorced 3 years and had not dated. He said that women weren't attracted to him and he knew itso he didn't even try. He claimed he didn't date in highschool, not because he didn't want to but that no one seemed interested in him. He told me he divorced his first wife because she was cheating on him and later found out that he never really knew she was having an affair, had only suspected because she was out at the clubs with her girlfriends. Their marriage last 4 years. He filed for custody of their sons which he won, she didn't protest. he said he did this because he felt he was the better parent however, what I saw was that my husband was not interested in parenting.....he had the boys live with a sister for awhile....he was caught up in his single lifestyle and dragging the boys to sports bars with his military buds, drinking hard with the guys with kids in-tow.

Almost right from the start I saw his interest in other women, flirting, which I found odd for someone who said women weren't intrested in him but then I saw his way of dealing with people in general was thru jokes, that was his way to open doors. We'd go somewhere, he'd stand behind me with his sun glasses on and then he'd eye ball all the women walking by. I asked (he was around 30 at the time), he said after so many years of being single he was used to this....told me he would imagine what it would be like to be with these various women, that it was a habit he needed to stop and it was dropped but his habit didn't stop. It was porn, boxes. He was choosing porn and his own satisfaction rather than initiating with me....I was very reception trust me. There was nothing in my language or body language that was rejecting him. I asked why, he said rejection was hard for him....but he wasn't being rejected. I noticed he was more connected and more open with hsi male friends so I even asked if he was gay, he said he was not. He'd get these infatuations, spending time in the office with a lady at work, flirting, munching on candies she had on her desk, buying her more so he could go back, going to lunch. It was obvious how he felt....first one was within our first year of marriage. I could see his interest in her but I don't feel it was mutual. He denied his feelings for her for years. We move (military), porn hidden on the computer that the kids found and here comes another infatuation. I am pg and yet again I am the one going to him still. I am not over weight, I have always kept myself up, I turn heads. This one was seeking him and I could see that.....we would have a function to go to and she would be there. They both took on a an extra job at the same place. I told husband she was looking to get out of her marriage and she was using the guys at work to do this and he better be careful. next thing we know she turns up pg by anotehr guy that she eneded up marrying and I coudl see he was crushed but he woudl not admit to it. Year go by and he finally admits that she was starting to talk about sex with him and he claims he drew the line with her......was it true, I have no idea. The last one I know about was over 5 year ago, same set up, we moved and that was the end. She did email him later and told him she missed him but how far it went I don't know. He claims he never had sex with any of them, and for years would not admit he even had feelings. It was thru one of my best friends I actually found out how far emotional affairs go and realized that his interests were not as innocent as he'd claimed and I told him that, this was just over a year ago and that's when he admitted that these were emotional affairs and that he was thinking of sex with them but had not. I still am not sure what the truth is. We went to counseling for the porn and the lack of initiating..... counselor said husband was a porn addict and he took all the steps the counselor told him to do. As far as I know he has been clean for 9 years. Counselor felt the lack of initiating was 1) something he learned as a teen and rather than trying to get to know girls he chose a safe route and pleased his own needs with porn, and 2) counselor also felt there was a possibility that husband coudl have been sexually abused and wanted to explore that more with him one on one. Husband's sister had been molested by an uncle and so this was something that coudl have been possible but husband had no memory and did not want to go there so never went back to the counselor. And that's where we got stuck.

GOOD FOR YOU BigR.....draw those boundary lines. Your wife and bio dad of these kids have allowed way too much from these kids. It is time they grow up!

Don't worry about making a lifetime mistake.
I did it too, for the sake of a cute child that turned out selfish and stupid, and the basic
need for sex from the woman that would become my wife.

The step kids could have been yours, and just
as selfish and stupid. Or, they could have been smart, respectful and caring,
in which case you wouldn't be so regretful. You never can tell the future.

If your marriage is over you will
know by asking yourself this question: If there was enough
money to satisfy everyone and move everything around to your
liking, would you be where you are today? If the answer is flat out no,
you just need to make plans for the future, and find your happiness.

My wife also got pregnant when I was planning my escape, and just like you
I got stuck against my will. She won, as I was totally punished for my need
to have sex. Wouldn't we be much better off if we just paid for it?
I always said that I would never pay for it, and I ended up paying for it
with my life, and I don't even get it when I need it!

After all of the trials and tribulations, you know what it will take to make you happy.
Work on becoming free, and remember that finding the right woman is easier
than it was years ago. You can chat online to understand who you are dealing with,
and use Skype to reach out farther and find a larger pool of sweet women who don't
have ties to other men. We don't have to be miserable forever because we gave up 15-20
years of life. As long as we have our health, there is another chance at doing things right
the next time.