Talking About Mental Health
SO's daughter (27) is visiting from out of state. She has been in an intensive outpatient therapy program for undisclosed mental health issues. SO picked me up this morning and was upset. Said he didn't realize she was so mentally unstable.
I may have said a wrong thing. I told him that she seems better than she was the last time i saw her. That her behavior is more normal and i think the therapy is working. Here's where i messed up. I elaborated and said that last time i saw her, i was offended by her behavior because i thought whe was deliberately trying to be offensive, to me in particular, but now i realize i was wrong to feel that way. The behavior i referred to was that the whole vacation, she wore things that showed her breasts and nether regions (think sheer tops and bottoms with no undies) and would run around the table jumping up and down at dinner. She was told to cover up but she said "No!!" And kept doing it.
SO said "I don't know why you think everything's about you! She just saw those kinds of clothes on tiktok and thought they were cool! She didn't know any better! She may have been offensive then but at least she was happy! The only thing wrong with her is that she thinks she needs therapy!" I got upset and told him i didn't appreciate him yelling at me when my whole point in saying that was to admit i was wrong last summer and i think her therapy's helping. Now he won't speak to me and i think he may not go to my family's Thanksgiving tomorrow.
I think he just wants to put his head in the sand and as long as his kids "act happy" around him, he is happy, and any problems anyone else has with their behavior is their problem. I think he just wanted me to listen to him and agree with him today. He accused me of having a problem with "his world" and just being too sensitive and not being sympathetic to his problems. I do kind of agree that maybe i made it too much "about me" and i probably should have just listened. I just wanted him to see that maybe things weren't so perfect before and that this might be a good thing. Maybe he and i are both wrong.
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I did apologize for not being
I did apologize for not being "more supportive" and said that both of my kids are in therapy and i don't see it as a sign of weakness. Today's young people are taking control of their mental health instead of burying their problems in drugs and alcohol like our generation did and i think that's a good thing.
Why did you apologize and what did you apologize for?
Apologizing excuses his crap by you assuming fault when it is entirely on him.
STOP THAT!
We cant win
I used to give DH my thoughts about SD. I gave her a lot of consideration and my remarks weren't meant to criticize or judge. I thought I was helping us both understand her. Like your DH, mine heard my comments as attacks.
So, now I seldom comment. He has his own image of her in his mind that he prefers to hearing the truth and reality.
I'm glad your SD is getting some therapy..
Your previous advice on how
Your previous advice on how to address things is gold. It starts with "I'm concerned...then compliment, etc." Either that, or no comment at all. It's the only way. I'm actually proud of SD27 for admitting there's a problem and getting help/ i have more sympathy for her than i ever have. It's like SO is disappointed in her for it. In the past, he was always "She doesn't have a problem, everyone else does!" Do I feel validated? Yes? Did that come out in my comments? I sure hope not.
If he's anything like my
If he's anything like my husband then "SD has a problem and needs therapy = he has a problem and needs therapy".
By this I mean he can't accept that his daughter maybe has a few faults. Therapy is for OTHER people, not his perfect daughter. SHE doesn't need therapy. Other people are just making her think she does! There's nothing wrong with her!
So many parents can't accept that their kids are human. Some, like my husband, can't separate themselves from their kids. They think since they share some of the same genetics, that the kid is automatically going to be just like them. He IS disappointed because in his mind his daughter is too "normal" for therapy.
My husband would have reacted the same way. "There's nothing wrong with dressing like a ho! Everyone's doing it... so and so is a bad influence... it's normal for a girl her age!... it wasn't THAT bad... you just want to pick on her!... it's a GOOD thing she's so confident..." etc etc. I've learned that I can't say one single critical thing about LI or I get in trouble. They just don't want to hear it.
It's just so frustrating. It
It's just so frustrating. It went beyond "ho", straight to indecent exposure. She ran around the table at restaurants jumping up and down like a 5-year-old. When we were waiting on a table, she was crawling around in the garden outside the restaurant, bent over looking at lizards but with her b-hole showing. One restaurant told us the wait would be 4 hours, but i'm pretty sure that was only for us. He said she never acted like that before so at the time i assumed that the only difference in the situation was me, and she must be acting out to try and provoke me. I think he was just lying. Lying that she never acted that way before and lying that it was normal behavior for someone in their mid-20s. On that same trip we were in a store and passed some dresses. SO said "Oh look, the WHORE section!" Those dresses looked Amish compared to what SD wore. I fking hate to be gaslit.
I mean... if he thinks
I mean... if he thinks running around basically naked in front of your parents/family is normal...then he REALLY needs to get his mental health checked too.
Ostrich Syndrome or The Emporer's New Clothes spectrum
are infuriating when an SO has them.
I am sorry your DH is not mature enough and does not have his head in the real world enough to see that his DD-27 has issues and needs help.
SD IS SICK
Doesn't matter what you do. No one knows what she going to react to. And you no matter what you do will be wrong. Because it SD vs you in your SO life.
Idk, i'm starting to think he
Idk, i'm starting to think he doesn't care about her like he should, either, except how she affects him. I think she was probably neglected but also told how awesome she was her whole life and now she is confused about why she can't "adult."
Gross.
Her behavior sounds disgusting. Like, aside from the nudity thing (which, why the F*CK would you want your DAD seeing you naked?!) Her other behavior like crawling around and screaming and jumping makes her sound like an out of control animal. I'm truly SO glad she's getting therapy and dad sounds completely in denial of his daughter's deep mental issues.
I don't think many women (not good quality woman) would be okay with this type of behavior. Sounds like he hit the jackpot with you and the fact that you're willing to stick things out with him and try to be supportive of her getting better, yet he doesn't seem to appreciate it.
"Fine, go find someone else to put up with this then" is what I would want to say.
It's a TRAP!
Never comment about skid(ult) even if you think DH is venting and wanting your input. Deep down they really don't want your input. Practice shrugging and changing the topic.
DH: " I didn't realize skid was so mentally unstable"
SM "That didn't occur to me ...what would you like for dinner?: