Weird Similarities
I couldn't sleep last night, and i ended up going down a Reddit rabbit hole. Ended up on a forum where the advice ranged from "Don't do it! You'll regret it, ask me how i know!" to "It can work if you are mature, know your boundaries, communicate well, and don't have a lot of insecurity and jealousy."
Sounds familiar, but the forum was actually advice between members of the Marine Corps about marrying a stripper or sex worker. The similarities between the advice on there and the advice given to stepparents weirded me out. What does it all mean?!
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Comments
1. Both are dumb choices that
1. Both are dumb choices that have a high likelihood of not working out
2. Both mean a life that is filled with drama
I suppose the similarities
I suppose the similarities between strippers/sex workers and Disney Dads (and Mums) are that they test your boundaries, put you in situations in which you are not comfortable, and ask you to put up with things you don't want to put up with? Unlike a "normal" relationship where ALL the rules and norms can be negotiated between a couple, there are certain things already in place which most of us would find tricky, but which we are expected to accept without question, such as rude and toxic SKIDs/BMs who have a hold over our partners, which often seems much greater than ours. This last bit is what has caused my marriage to nearly founder more than once.
The common theme being "How
The common theme being "How to eat a sh!t sandwich without throwing up."
Lol - good summary! *ROFL*
Lol - good summary! *ROFL*
My dad always said that in
My dad always said that in relationships, men want sex and women want security. It's an oversimplification but pretty true as far as what's valued most. The sex is self-explanatory but i think women do want security. Not always just the financial security they needed in the past, but emotional security. The feeling that they and their spouse/SO are each other's "person."
Being with a sex worker, men have other guys who have a prior claim on what they feel should be "theirs", as the spouse or SO. Being with a guy or gal with kids and an ex who are regularly present definitely threatens a feeling of security. Physical, emotional, and financial.
Similarities.. both cases
Similarities.. both cases have red flags. both cases involve partners that have some obligation to another party that is not 100% in line with starting a "new nuclear family".. both cases have outside forces people. (exes and johns) that have impact on the current relationship dynamic.
and both are "you knew what you were geting into"
I could see the similarities
I could see the similarities
In adult industry work (for this example a female exotic dancer) the partner has to deal with other men lurking in the background on a regular basis needing time/attention/etc from his partner while she's at work
in step life (for this example a woman) has to deal with her partner's exwife lurking in the background on a regular basis. (Whether it's his parenting time or not he's always "on call"/"At work")
Most often Disneyland dads are coming with demanding needy clingy not ready to let go nut job with one or more offspring she raises to be just as lazy and unstable as herself. In addition to the time/attention/etc going out to another woman and her kids......there is also money going out of our household into another woman's household
IMO I'd rather be with a partner in adult industry because at least they have the option to leave that job/industry, at least it's just a job with set hours they can choose, and they're bringing money INTO the household.
People with skeevy boundaries
People with skeevy boundaries are always the first to say someone else is jealous or insecure about their feelings on the issue. In other words they want to be able to do what they want without any boundaries
I want to go to dinner on vacation with my ex and our kids! This is normal. If you don't like it you're jealous and controlling!
You knew I was with a sex worker when you got with me! Now you just don't like it any more and are acting jealous! You knew what you were getting into!
It's manipulation tactics with the similar phrasing. Common techniques used and ways of skirting the issues to make the issue at hand appear minimized and more normal when the situation is unique and difficult with many nuances.
It could possibly be a betrayal of the main relationship between a couple. An emotional affair of sorts. Some sort of boundary is being broken that the other partner is not ok with.
It could possibly be a
yes!
I often times felt like I was being cheated on every time my ex Disneyland dad bent over backwards/acquiesed/overcompensated well beyond the court ordered requirement .... for no reasonable reason at all ...
At least with a sex worker
At least with a sex worker the Marine knows that they are a sex worker. That may not be, and often isn't the case with a divorce' with an X and kids. A new partner is rarely forthcoming on how broken their kids are or how toxic their X is. If they even recognize or have the character to admit how much crap they are dragging along with them with their baggage.
I would not tolerate either knowing what I now know. Though my SParent journey is pretty much the unicorn of a wonderful marraige, a great skid, and blended family life. I could not imagine DW\ having an XH, she never married the baby daddy, and a herd of prior relationship spawn.
I dated a beautiful young woman prior to my first marriage. She ended up in rehab. When she got out of rehab she brought me flowers and came to my work to try to reconcile. I was already engaged to my XW. She ended up working as a stripper. I did not reconnect with her. Unfortunately it was probably a worse choice to marry my XW than it may have been to reconnect with the then recent rehab grad and burgeoning sex worker.
My XW certainly did not predisclose that she was a serially adulterous cheating skank whore. Though from her diaries she full well knew it. and had been hosing around the whole time we dated, were engaged, and were marriage.