I need to unleash...  I wish I could say this at home.  The context is, I make dinners I don't want to make, things I don't want to eat every night.  I work full time, I do sports about 15 hours a week, and do **most** of the cleaning, constantly pick up after other people, and do most of the cooking.  At the end of the day, I stretch a little bit, and then spend the rest of the evening on the floor because the SD and dog take my spot on the couch and I'm too nice to ask people on the couch who are comfortable to accommodate me.  First one up, chores before work, chores after work, and I end the day on the floor.  And when I want to do something that's a "me" thing, I encounter childish resistance. If I had the spine to say this at home, I would.  And the ex, it’s not just that she doesn’t speak to me.  The one time she had to be in a room with me IN MY OWN HOME she literally ran past me out the door when I showed up.  I couldn’t pick her out of a line up OR CALL HER IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY, which I’ve needed and couldn’t do when it affected her child.

The reason why vacations are an issue is because I feel like every day is an issue.  We orient our lives around what you and SD want to do, but when I ask you to do something so simple as take a walk with me after work you'd rather be upstairs at a computer.  You come up with every excuse that you don't want to.  I try to come up with suggestions to make it more appealing, but you don't want to, so we won't.

I don't want to put up with ex-wife using her fake illness and SD as a tool to manipulate us anymore.  I don't want more days when I have to beg you to put a breakfast dish in the dishwasher and then have a full service dinner for you while I wait for you to put the time and effort into running your ex wife's errands for her.  You're offended when I don't feel as if the time and effort you put in every day was for me when I recognize that it's for SD and ex wife.  If I ran around and helped out some ass hat guy that couldn't look you in the eye and say "hi" to you, no matter what the connection was you'd make me feel absolutely awful to the core for that.  If I then complained how tired and stressed I was and made myself unavailable at home after that, you'd reduce me to tears.  When I want to do something far more benign, like ride up to home state with you and SD to tag along on one of your trips and see my friends, the guilt is laid on SO HARD.  It doesn't happen and I'm hardly in touch with them anymore because the intensity of my days leaves me wanting to isolate with the little time I have left instead of admitting to anyone how stressed out I am.

Ex wife knows she can count on your ongoing commitment.  With drivers ed and SD potentially getting a job in the future, ex wife will have you driving all over town to avoid SD feeling the negative consequences of ex wife’s irresponsibility.  The ex can go to the grocery store or to the Y for hours, but she can't run an errand for SD.  I will not put up with feeling overwhelmed by complicated dinner expectations while you help ex wife more and more.  I'm sorry if it's a consequence for SD, but you need to tell ex wife what you tell me to tell you.  F***ing NO MORE.

At this point, there is no reminding me that there was a reason why she was once special to you.  That does not give her the right to continue to manipulate us and manipulate your time to make a point to me.  She needs to harden the f*** up and display some ***MINIMALLY*** decent behavior.  I will not put up with her selfishness and will not let her dominate your time.  I don't have words for the level of selfishness that she has displayed with her lack of help with SD sports events.  She's a c*** through and through, but the consequences of her behavior are ours.  If it seems like you are going to make an enemy of her for not prioritizing her comfort and convenience, where in this do I fit in?  I feel like I don't.  I feel like my place is chores and facilitation, patience and tolerance.

Pent up inside is a lot of rage that words aren't going to fix.  You can’t talk or rationalize away the pain and shock that I’ve encountered in seeing what my role is.  Time, consistency, and action will fix it.  I've been told "no" to one-off requests for help SO MANY times, that I need to see a change before I feel like I can heal from the pain that I feel.  None of this is new, and none of this seems to improve.

I looked for [new sports equipment just purchased for SD].  It was hard to find a item THAT expensive.  Don't bullshit me.  I was hoping that the boots wouldn’t cost more than $400 - and I thought that would be a lot.  They cost $800???  Don’t spend that kind of money criticize me for spending half the money on sports safety equipment I’ll use often and for longer.  Don’t expect me to blindly put up with that shit.  I'm not dumb.  SD has nicer sports clothing for me.  I could not justify spending that kind of money on myself when I started sports, but it's expected that I just cough it up for her to have the best of the best.  There's a point when it is earned and justified and a point when that shit is obscene.  There is NO ONE else that I would train with that treats me like I have a damn target on my back that SD gleefully wants to nail.  SD whines when I limit her time training with me.  SD can train on her own and my training is MY time, not her outlet to impose her petty competitive mean girl vibe on me.  She has plenty of other targets.

So that’s where we are.  The rage runs deep.  The resentment follows me through the day.  I expect the worse.  I left a pan in the sink yesterday for SD to do (her chores).  She set it aside dirty.  I spent my whole evening in the busiest possible week for her.  That pan is in the sink again today.  It’ll be ugly if it’s still dirty tonight.