As many of you who have been following my story know, I've been in steplife for about 11 years. I met DH when SS was 10 months old. BM and DH dated on/off again in high school and into college, BM falling pregnant with SS at 19. The only thing that has been consistent with BM since then is keeping DH away from SS as much as possible. 

Tonight, I was scrolling through social media and I came across one of those "divorce court" or "support court" type video clips. Watching this BM share her side of things triggered me, reminding me exactly of how BM laid out her case. This BM claimed that she was breastfeeding her child (who was only 9 months old) but was told if she continued, she wouldn't need to grant overnights until the child turned 3. The BM also argued that she denied visitation to the Dad, but only because the BM was living with her parents and the Dad made no effort to come see the child at her parents' home, but that she refused to let him take the child anywhere else for visitation. The BM also said she was weary about having the Dad at her parents because the parents didn't like him and he didn't like them. Then she went on to say that the child had a medical issue (that she never informed Dad about) and only she could manage his care and he required increased monitoring and was more susceptible to illness, which is why Dad couldn't take him elsewhere. The judge granted Dad every Saturday and Sunday visitation from 10 am to 6 pm until age 3, at which time, it could be revisited.

Our BM did this exact thing to DH. DH took her to court for custody and visitation after SS was born. When they went to court during SS' infancy, BM claimed she was breastfeeding and that SS would not take a bottle, despite BM telling DH (which she had forgotten about) that she had bottle fed him since birth because she wasn't comfortable breastfeeding. The judge told BM to grant visitation at her discretion until the next hearing. BM offered one or two few hours visits every few months at her parent's house or at a local park, always staying with SS and DH during the visit. She refused to let DH take SS alone. When they finally got back to court, SS was two, and BM claimed that SS had special needs and only she was trained to care for him. It was another lie. She said that she told DH about medical appointments but he never came (because DH was only informed 15 minutes before every appointment and BM would abuse him verbally when he didn't attend, despite living an hour away). There was no medical record showing a medical diagnosis, but DH couldn't access the records as BM had default sole custody during this time since they were never married and custody wasn't finalized. The judge again offered day visits and it continued. Their final court hearing a few months later resulted in BM saying "DH has barely seen SS in his whole life so how can he get overnights?" to which the judge agreed. That kept DH on day visits until SS was 5. We were never offered a step up plan to overnights and there was no intention to give DH overnights per the courts. 

Now, SS is 11 and the longest visit we have ever gotten is 2 weeks at a time, totaling 6 weeks per year. This summer, BM told us we needed to move our standard summer visitation around (2 two week blocks) just for this summer due to sports (the CO grants her this power). We gave her three options, one being a 3 week stint and a 1 week stint to total our 4 weeks. BM said "No, that SS wasn't comfortable being with us for 3 weeks." 

This type of thing is the only trigger I truly have left in Steplife. I have reached acceptance with everything else and I can mostly find BM's antics annoying instead of triggering. We usually just let everything go and follow the CO. But I can't get past the fact that we have never really had real visitation with SS and every attempt to fight for more time led to maybe an hour increase that would last a year until the next hour increase, only to finally get overnights when BM moved too far away for few hour visits to be feasible. I hate that when BM moved in 2017, we started with one 24-hour period of a month and 3 one week blocks in the summer, only to go up to every other holiday break, split Christmas break and 2 two week blocks in summer the next year, maintaining that schedule ever since. We were never given the standard long distance visitation schedule of majority of summer - that we could live with! This kid is 11 years old now and has had regular court ordered visits since age 2 and we can't increase the time as SS STILL isn't "comfortable?" We know this is a BM issue; another ploy to keep control. We have asked SS about it and he just says "I don't know, my Mom makes those decisions." We both believe he would be fine with us for longer durations. DH and I both agreed we will never go back to court. We spent all of our savings (close to $30k) on that legal battle and the judge said he would never change the current schedule until SS ages out, so we know we are stuck. This is really the last thing that triggers me and takes me down the rabbit hole of all the failed legal proceedings that failed and continue to fail to give DH adequate time with SS. I just hate that in 11 years, we have failed to prove ourselves "worthy" of a meaningful relationship with SS. And all of these double standards we have to endure because BM "is the parent" with decision making and power and we are just bystanders in SS' life.