Misogyny or Manipulation
Or both? In previous posts I mentioned I feel like Cinderella. A little back story about my SO. He is turning 43 this year and has only lived at home! With his parents. And yes I lived there too previously before buying the home we currently live in. Which isn't all that unusual in Hawaii. Lots of ppl do it bc of the cost of living. At least that's what I told myself to make it bearable.
Before we moved into our new place I told him what I expected out of him as far as day to day chores and help around the house. His Mom did everything, cooked cleaned and bought all the groceries. We just paid her a monthly fee. I always kept my own space clean and tidy and never used the common areas except the kitchen. I told him I expected him to help do dishes, laundry etc.
Fun fact, want to see how much you and your partner agree on? Watch TLC's 90 Day Fiance. It'll spark a WHOLE lot of "debates." In those debates he basically showed me his cards and that bc he works he expects to do nothing else in the house. Which is how his parents lived. His Mom didn't work and did everything in the house. While Dad worked and did nothing except the occasional "manly" thing outside here and there.
Currently SO pays the mortgage and I pay for everything else basically. So in my eyes it's 50/50. All I asked of him on a daily basis is to clean the kitchen if I make dinner before going to bed and to take care of the dogs in the evening. Literally 2 things! And he often doesn't do them. Or says to leave the kitchen for him to clean but he'll do it before leaving for work. Of course he doesn't and since I work from home I end up doing it so I don't have to look at it all damn day.
We had another conversation yesterday. Told him how I felt overworked and unappreciated. And that he agreed to have his kids do chores daily and he still hasnt implemented that. And he hits me with the "well I don't feel like you're really a good partner if you expect me to work hard all day and then come home and do chores." So I told him if he wants to do nothing then I want to stop working and paying for things. (Not that I would ever agree to that but just to try and prove a point) And I'll contribute sweat equity. He then starts with the "well technically you have more money after all the expenses." Like what?! What does that to do with anything?! And really I don't bc anytime we go out and do things, buy things for the house, it's on my dime. He literally doesn't pay for anything.
I knew he was borderline a sexist and that should've been enough for me to see the light but sheesh. Anyone else have a manchild, Disney Dad? Do they really ever change?
Your SO is a toxic dipshit. It is both misogyny and manipulation
My parents just celebrated their 61st anniversary this summer. They had and have a very traditional marriage. Dad was the breadwinner, mom was the homemaker. They are and always have been equity life partners.
There example is what demonstrated what I call the "work hours" model and is the example my DW and I have followed for our 29years of marriage.
Work hours are work hours regardless of what the employement model is in the marriage. Mom cared for the home and the kids during work hours. They both did it after work hours. Mom cooks, dad cleans up after dinner. As their boys got older, we did chores that helped relieve some of the burden on mom and dad.
They have ben retired for nearly 15 years. They outsource the major house cleaning and yard work. Mom still does her kitchen wizardry. Dad still cleans up after she cooks, bakes, etc....
Mom's hobbies are quilting and gardening. Dad's hobbies arefitness. and reading. They hike together, dad will support mom's quilting packing mom's machines, loading in the car, then setting them up in her quilting/embroidery classes, going on her quilt rally runs with her, etc.....
When mom is burried in the craft room or playing in the dirt with her flowers, herbs, etc... dad is workign out, reading, or helping her load quilts on the huge quilting machine, or helping mom with heavy plants, etc...
You work all day. That you work in the home does not make you the beck-&-call girl/chore bitch. This pathetic POS of an SO expects you to work all day and do chores.
SO needs to pull his head out of his misogynous ass, do half of the chores/cooking/house keeping and
get his spawn doing chores. Whatever the spawn get done leaves SO with half of whatever is left. It is not yours to do while he lays on his his ass.
DW and I balance the housework based on our work schedules. I am currently looking for my next role. She is kicking ass in her career. I cook, do the grocery shopping, clean the kitchen. We both do the floors, dusting, and our own laundry.
I make sure that when she gets home from work, she has nothing to do other than what she chooses to do.
Do not tolerate his exploitative crap, nor his waste of skin lazy spawn. His gaslighting whining is pathetic. The attempt to try to convince you that you are better off financially being his beck-&-call girl/chore bitch after working full time every day is infuriating and nauseating. It also clearly exposes who and what he is.
Believe what he is telling you and showing you.
Some things and some people are beyond salvage. Your SO and his spawn are an example. Sadly, so is this relationship. Unless you are willing to sacrifice yourself continuously on the alter of Sparental martyrdom to this shit show of a man and his spawn.
This guy and his shallow and polluted failed family gene pool are a waste of your life.
Don't do that to yourself.
IMHO of course.
Ask him if his goal in life
Ask him if his goal in life is to be a kept man...
No. They don't change.
He won't change. My formerSo and my exhusband were both like this. Ugh. Pass on round three for me!
ExH didn't pay for anything as he always had some stupid excuse, didn't do crap around the house - yet always felt "disrespected". Lol. Loved to downplay my position (yet loved how it paid for all the bills so he could squander his money).
FormerSO didn't do shit and LOVED that I was helping to pay for A LOT, yet never actually acknowledged that I was helping. And almost acted like me working outside the home was "cute", but somehow less than his "work" - I'm an accountant - not the most hard core job...but respectable, yes? But acted like it was nothing and expected I do all around the home. Noped outta there real quick. I still owned my own home, that he tried to get me to sell ALL THE DAMN TIME, yet he RENTED. Yea, no, I was divoreced previously and liked having my escape hatch at the ready.
Tried working with both so they could grow the eff up, to no avail. Once they reach a certain age, they will not change.
OMG YESS! My SO loves to
OMG YESS! My SO loves to downplay how much I make. And in comparison to him it isn't much. But the fact is that without me we would t be able to afford our home. And he never acknowledges that. And it's infuriating.
And now when I ask for help with household chores he ALWAYS says how much I don't do. Or says yup he'll do it and be salty for days. Like a frckn child.
If you don't mind my asking, how long did you stay with your SO? Being that was your round 2. Also, so very happy for you. That you got out.
Less than 2 years.
Honestly, I would have left sooner, but I got pregnant (huge surprise since I had a tubal ligation!). I tried to see if I could bring about positive changes... but between him and his completely wicked feral kid, it was impossible. I had to save not only myself but my baby too.
Your example is inspiring.
I likely would not have left my XW for quite some time had she not played the D card.
That was the greatest gift she could have given me.
It freed me up to have an outstanding marriage and a happy life with an amazing woman.
No one should allow a mate to minimize their contribution. Even when one person earns far more than other. The one degrading their partner, is far more often than not the one with issues.
My XW would do it periodically. Over a number of things. She had an interesting view of reality. As it turned out, she was hosing around, her mother was embezzling $millions from her employer, and.... I was the problem from her perspective.
Her leaving was my salvation.
I am usually significantly the high earner in our marriage. Though my bride is very successful in her own right. She has been the sole earner for a few periods in our career. Always generous, supportive, and engaging in our partnership. I have followed her example when I have been the sole earner.
We have had the "discussion" division of houshold duties a number of times over the years. Though I have mellowed a bit over the decades. Even when we are both working, I tend to cook and clean up dinner.
Parters are equals. It is not about a income balance sheet.