Moving in with Step Kids and a whole new dynamic
Joined this website bc I'm at my wit's end with all the BS but don't want to throw away my relationship just yet. My fiance and I have been together for 13 years. I have always known his 2 children, SD now 18 and SS now 14. But we have been living with his parents for nearly our entire relationship. We live in Hawaii and that isn't uncommon, not the reason I'm posting here. His kids lived on another island with Mom and flew to visit us on breaks and summers. Things weren't always great when they'd come but it was good for the most part. Looking back I saw red flags that I let go bc they were only there with us for a short time. We just bought our very first home, coming up on a year in August. It has been the worst year of my life. We moved islands to be closer to the kids. My SD "lives with us" meaning she has officially moved in but still stays at her Mom's for weeks at a time. My SS has been in our house a total of 4 times since moving. We saw him more before we moved than we do now, when we only live 20 minutes away. So not only are my fiance and I adjusting to living together alone for the very first time he is adjusting to "parenting". And I find myself feeling like a stranger at times. He refuses to show me ANY affection in front of the kids. Even though it was never like that when they visited. I have ZERO say on any type of parenting choices. I feel like I can't even run my household how I want to. Example: I asked my SD to turn off her bedroom light if she wasn't using it. Later that night my fiance called me a hypocrite bc I leave lights on all the time. It became an ongoing argument. To the point that I refused to pay the electric bill myself. We now split the bill. My SD just got a job after taking the last year off after school. But she got a job that is completely out of the way and closer to her Mom. Which was a surprise bc the plan was she'd work closer to us so my fiance and I could pick her up and drop her off, being she doesn't drive. I told my fiance she needed to look for a new job or we wouldn't be able to pick her up anymore. He said I was being mean and it wasn't a big deal. So now he waits sometimes 2 hours after work to get her so he doesn't have to drive back and forth. And when he DOES go back and forth he uses MY car. We pay for our own gas expenses. So it feels like I'm forced to just agree and shut up. I know me saying he can't use my car or to pay for gas will cause a huge fight. Idk what to do. Me and my SD were really close before we moved. She always complained about her Mom and told me things she couldn't talk to my fiance about. And now I can barely stand to be in the same room. I just hate that I "lose" my fiance everytime she comes home. She acts like a child whenever she is here but then wants to be treated like an adult when she wants to get her way. She inserts herself into all of our conversations. She can be clingy to my fiance. We took Xmas photos this year for the first time to make cards. My SD and fiance looked more like a couple than I did. They were hugging in nearly every photo and I was off to the side. Idk what to do. I've tried to just disengage and stay at arms length but it's soooo hard. I miss my old relationship with my fiance. Starting to feel like what's the point.