new poster, step dad dealing with difficult 9 year old ss.
Hello all.
I never expected to go onto forums to find advice about my step sons relationship, but here goes.
I have been married for 3 years to my wife. She had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Our marriage has been rough the past year. Her father passed away, stress at my job (military) and her starting her career has caused some stress, but we can work through it. My relationship with the kids have been great. But the step son has been an issue since we've been together.
It seems being a step - father for the sd is easy. We have a great relationship. However, it has been awkward trying to have a relationship with the boy.
When I first met him he was 5. Just like most kids his age, he is clutsy, emotional, and a bit ADHD. As time went on, it seemed those characteristics became more severe instead of being phases.
He is in the fourth grade now and will cry when he doesn't get what he wants at school and at home. He has to be constantly redirected to do his chores, homework... it takes an hour on average for him to eat his dinner every night while the rest of the family is already done. He asks for an inch and demands a mile with anything. For example, he has an allowance, but is always asking me and his mother to buy him stuff when we are out. He has quit asking me because the answer is use the allowance. But mom is usually more lenient and always spoiling him.
He has said it's my job to clean up after him, and everything has become a debate because he feels I am wrong and he is right. He gets this attribute from his bio dad.
He told me I was a mean step dad today because I am harder on him than his sister. I am; she listens and is more responsible. My fear is he will worsen as he gets older and cause a rift between me and the wife. Myself and the bio dad both fear his mentality will lead him to "coast" through life and expect all his parents to take care of him. I don't want to be hard on him anymore, but I feel I have to stick with it. Myself and the bio dad are on the same page with this issue, but I'm at a disadvantage being the step.
What can I do?
Hello and welcome! Your SS
Hello and welcome! Your SS must have not just ADHD but also ODD - oppositional defiant disorder if everything is an argument and a negotiation. Those kids are tough to raise. The good news is, it gets better if the adults act together and establish a few parameters. To figure out how to do that, buy this book
http://www.walmart.com/ip/243188?wmlspartner=wlpa&adid=22222222227001125...
Douglas Riley. Raising a Defiant Child. The best 8 bucks you will ever spend!
My son who fits the same profile as your SS is now 15, and things are so much easier! But It took some doing. He will try the patience of a saint. You are not a saint, but a mature adult who can organize an intervention. Having bio dad on your side is huge! Good luck!
I would strongly suggest
I would strongly suggest family counseling, with all of you, including your SS. A unified front needs to be made regarding discipline and coping skills. He is still young enough that if everyone works together this can completely turn around. Good luck
Car, you are right. This is
Car, you are right. This is starting to affect my marriage. Since my original post, the wife and I had two more arguments concerning my ss relationship. We were out shopping in a large, crowded area and he wandered off. We couldn't find him for ten minutes. The daughter stayed right behind us or within eyeshot. Wife told me she would find him and handle it. I was angry for good reason. She finds him and all she tells him is "stay close to us baby".
We get into a tiff about that same time because she knew I would have talked down to him for wandering off. I would have emphasized the point of staying close in a strict tone.
Today was laundry day. She told the boy to fold clothes. 5 minutes later I see him not folding but trying to balance himself on the laundry basket goofing off. I bite my tongue and accept it, I was not in the mood to get into another argument over his behavior with my wife. She sees it and tells him to go play, and finishes it for him while she berates me on my relationship with him. Accused my father's "poor" example (he was a great father) as me becoming like him and distant from me (we're not distant, he works alot and so do I, I spend most of my time with him at my parents home).
All in all, she wants me to be the adult and change my Outlook on him. I do believe he is a great kid with a lot of talent. I just feel without the proper guidance he will be another wasted talent. If he doesn't have his outlook changed, he will be like the rest of the young adult males today and become lazy and live at home.
I told the wife changing my behavior towards him and becoming more tolerant to his tirades doesn't help him out. We'll see if our marriage survives.