You won't know unless you look. Sounds like asking him won't help. Something is off with your DH. Whether it's cheating or something else, idk. 

At this point does it even matter what he may or may not be doing on the side? What he did to you at the table was bad enough.

Ohhhh... I am not a child and will not be berated by my spouse in front of anyone. 

Deflecting? Maybe... 

Being an Ass in general? Absolutely. 

A family member of mine had an affair and when he suspected people were catching on, he would lash out and project for the dumbest of reason. We didn't know why at the time, but looking back, it all makes sense now. Your Spidey senses may be correct, but you won't know unless you ask/look and accusing him outright may damage the progress you both have made if you are wrong. 

I wouldn't put up with the disrespect and I'm sorry, but I would be letting DH do more for himself. You are driving to work, home to MAKE LUNCH, back to work, and then home to MAKE DINNER and do all the other household duties. I get that your DH works later hours, but he can step up and contribute. If he is going to be an asshole like that, you can focus on your meals and he can make a sandwich or a microwave meal for himself. He doesn't get rewarded for disrespect. 

What is the plan for rebuilding trust? It takes a LONG time, years, after a betrayal. Because he sure demolished any trust you got back. If you are suspicious about his phone activities, he needs to hand over the phone so you can be reassured he's not up to his old games or you discover that he is.

If he's not, then he has to explain just what in the h3ll he was thinking, and berating you like that is totally not how to solve a problem, real or imagined. If he is up to old habits, then you probably have a boundary set around that. Enforce it. No more chances.

My heart hurts for you.

I do think it sounds suspect. I too dealt with a cheater. 

More importantly, you still think it is a possibility with him. Cheating is a very difficult personality flaw to overcome, many do not. 

I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut. What is your gut telling you? 

(I know what mine's telling me about your situation but I was once married to the crown prince of guilty deflecting.)

It sounds to me like your DH knows that he's such a shitty person and partner that he needs to reach for ways that you're shitty, too. And boy is he reaching. I don't know why you'd put up with being berated by him, in front of SD, for nothing.  He's not worth it.  Sure, look at his phone. But even if there's nothing there,  what he did was uncalled for. 

What is your line with him, and do you keep moving it because he keeps overstepping it?

I have my opinions, but you need to sit in that question for a while. What he did was absolutely uncalled for even if he hadn't emotionally cheated in the past. Adding that behavior to this and other current behaviors - how close is he to your "I'm done - I have more respect for myself than this" line?

Read your update. It's good you didn't find anything but that doesn't mean something isn't wrong. Overall he is being a shitty partner. Berating you in front of SD is terrible. And for basically nothing. He may or may not be disrespecting you behind your back. There are so many ways he could still hide that. I know what it's like to have *that one thing*. Whatever it might be, like texting other women, staying at the bar past x time, whatever it is, that you tell yourself "As long as he's not doing THAT, everything is ok." But - is he worth it? Overall package, positive vs negative column minus dealbreakers. That's what really matters imo. 

Glad you were able to go through the phone, but it's too easy to delete. Incoming and outgoing calls, texts, there are so many other messaging apps, profiles, etc...

It takes so much strength to do what you are doing and trying to trust again. 

IDK. Definitely misplaced anger. But what other area of his life is he insecure/frustrated/pissy about? 

Did he cheat in the past or something? If so, me personally I would have hired the best divorce attorney money can buy then left on sight. Men rarely stay with women once they've been cheated on. If you ever cheated on him, he'd probably up and leave. Take a page from their book. 

It sounds exhausting!

You can pull out the stops and have him install software and read all the messages in front of him (burner phone!) and go to all the therapy sessions (look! Hes REALLY sorry!) and read all the "how to build trust again" books (it takes TWO after all!), and split those hairs over "is it cheating if it never got physical?" (he just PLANNED he never executed!)

What it really comes down to is this: Is this relationship acceptable to you? Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

((hugs))

You have to respect yourself more than this.

While I totally believe in trusting your gut, one positive thing in your update was the fact that DH did not get defensive. He seemed to understand and be ok with your wanting to look through his phone. I know you don't want to have to continue to check, but would it help if you had him show you everything that he has been doing on the phone recently, including gaming and all the rest? If that would honestly help, I would do it. Your spidey senses are clearly going off - the problem is trying to figure out if it is because DH is up to his old ways, or is there something else going on with him that you are picking up on. Keep listening, your senses are trying to tell you something...

I was worried until I read your update.  Trust but verify is appropriate in your situation.  Your DH was out of line redirecting his SD frustration onto you.  I'm glad he at least acknowledged that you have reason to check him.

I do hope you guys continue to work through it.  I sense that there is hope, not sure why, but I just do.  I guess I'm a romantic at heart.  Good luck, and continue to verify until you (and only you) feel it's ok to stop.

But may be up to something else you wouldn't agree with.   That is the man-toddler personality.  Is it worth being a "parent" to a full growth adult?  

Chef is often juvenile like this but he outweighs it by being a master contractor, working on the rentals mostly by himself 7 days a week which he enjoys.   He earns his room and board. 

I wish I could give you a hug. I can feel how worn down and tired you are, just from reading your comments. 

I've been there. I forgave XH's first affair. I don't regret forgiving him and trying to repair, I truly don't. I DO regret that the second time I caught him, three years later, I had been ignoring my gut instincts for at least 6 months leading up to when I actually found proof. And 'ignoring' isn't quite the right word. I was actively suppressing my intuition because I just simply did not want to believe that the man who was "so devastated" by how much he'd hurt me would be able to bring himself to do it again. 

In retrospect I wish I'd trusted myself sooner. I'm not entirely sure what it would have changed anything in the overall outcome, but at least I would've saved myself months of second guessing and 'policing' as you so aptly described it.

It's an exhausting headspace to live in and I wish you weren't going through that now. I truly hope that your DH isn't up to anything shady, but I urge you to listen to your intuition and take whatever steps you need to in order to protect your well-being. 

That he didn't go off the rails when he knew you were checking up on him is hopeful. He's NOT trustworthy and he knows it.  But his outburst doesn't meant that he's back to his old ways either. Was he able to explain where all that anger came from?

It took me a LONG time to stop checking DH's phone. But I don't any more. He's done the work, and although things aren't perfect between us, they are good. Sometimes great. One effect of his emotional affairs is that I am far less patient with him about everything. Likely a trauma response and I have to really work at it.

Continue on your path. I feel your weariness. At some point it gets better--either with him or without him.

You do know checking & not finding anything doesn't mean anything, right? He could easily have a burner phone or a separate log in. Hell, I know of someone who sent pics of himself when he was out to prove where he was & would leave his car there, only to uber to the other womans home. The remoseful spouse is a unicorn. People are who they are and very rarely change. You should know most innocent spouses give chances & have more then one Discovery day. 

What is more important is how you feel. Can you ever get over it? Can you ever really trust him again? Do you want that gnawing in your gut everytime he does anything remotely off? 

When they get caught they just get sneakier. Up their game. Cheaters get a rush from this.

I dont know your DH , but you do.

Follow your gut usually when something doesnt feel right it isnt. Especially if he is still on the sites that tempted him.

Blessings hun. What you are dealing with is so painful. Even if he is being a "good boy" your trauma from this will always be wondering.

right and there is SOMETHING. It might not be what you suspect, but your inner alarm bells don't start going off typically for no reason. People who get caught, just learn how to do what they were doing better. I would do some research into different apps that are out there. On one of the podcasts DH and I listen to there have been people who found their spouse on apps that were disguised as something else that are made specifically to hide chats or photos or whatever. I would definitely still be alert!

I suspect that, like most other addictions, his seeking attention and connection from other women gave him a high.

Knowing he had been disappointing you on many levels, it was easier for him to talk to women who didn't have to live with him, deal with his kids, or be married to him. You've seen all his worst. Women outside the home only believe what he says.

Because it's an addiction of sorts, and he's supposedly gone cold turkey, there will be days when he feels like sh*t about himself and is craving an ego stroke from someone who doesn't know what he's really like. In those moments when the need for an ego fix is strong, he resents YOU for holding him accountable.

He was probably feeling like an a$$hole, but telling himself all kinds of stories in his head about how you're the problem and what he did was "innocent" and it sounds like he might have been spiraling with resentment and had no one to stroke his ego and tell him what a big strong, misunderstood man he was.

So, he took it out on you because you don't coo and stroke his ego. You expect him to show up as a grown up husband.

I think he desperately wanted to reach out to some women and blamed you as the obstacle to him getting his ego stroked. I'm sure drunks who are trying to stay sober have rough patches and blame the people they love for those rough patches because, in their warped minds, having a drink would feel so much better and other people are blocking them from feeling good.

I ready your second update. It is good he called his therapist. For what it is worth, my guess is he might be having those urges again, but isn't following through, and on some level he is mad at you about it so is lashing out in other ways. Pure speculation on my part. Your spidey senses are picking up on his desires, not his actions. Anyway, I think it is a good sign he called his therapist and wants you both to go see the marriage therapist. It seems like there is still hope here.

I'm glad he called his therapist.. and did it without telling you. because it shows some genuine interest in understanding and fixing.

I would quibble a bit with the therapist telling him that he doesn't get to decide when "enough is enough.. and he should be trusted only when someone else decides."

Because technically there could be dysfunction in the other person that NEVER is able to trust again.. and at that point, he should not be expected to continue to live life on his knees to try to prove something to someone who will never, ever accept it.

But the solution there is probably to not cling to a relationship with someone that is not working towards a positive trustful relationship.

At some point.. he should eventually be able to have that proverbial bad day without feeling like you will jump to the conclusion and mistrust of cheating.  I don't know how long that will be though.. but 6 months seems short.. but 5 years almost seems too long.. (again.. it's hard to know what you will accept to try to save things I guess).

I guess that's why when my EX husband actually DID cheat on me when he was on a trip back home to deal with a real estate issue.. while telling the girl that I was cheating on him? Uh.. nope.. no way was I going to get over, past.. through that.  

But.. in my case.. I was also probably on strike number 4 with my Exh.  He had a lot of flaws.. and our life was more difficult because of them.. so there were plently of other reasons why I might have grabbed the opportunity to cut it off when I found he had cheate.  But, I also know myself.. I would probably be punative and constantly suspicious of him. ..and I knew it wasn't healthy to live that way.. we also had no kids together.. so no other factor that made me want to try to work it out.  It was the last strawbale.

I love this 2nd update. It really gives me ALL the hope for you guys <3

Who knows with these men lol

Usually with serial cheaters, they become experts at hiding it better and manipulating the situation so you can remain dormant. Probably has a burner phone or using encrypted messaging/calling apps to do his stuff smh

You will never know until he wants you to know or he messes up. 

The fact that he is trying to get the marriage stable is a good thing regardless of cheating, that means he does not want to end this

Life will be ok if you just accept that men will always try to get involved with some other women, especially the married ones so there is no need to give yourself white hair and heart attacks over what he may or may not be doing. Its really good that you guys are going to counseling and you are focusing on healing, thats what matters