Update to the Stupid Update.
Another update and I will try to stay on topic but I am so emotional right now it’s hard. DH and I do not have a marriage, we haven’t in a long time largely because I quit trying when I realized he could care less. His priorities are work, extracurriculars, work buddies, co-workers (not buddies), friends, our kids, the dog, his family, my family, and somewhere way down there I might be in there. I stopped putting in any effort into our marriage and it has pretty much just been drifting since then, possibly a year or so.
Me: So, are you getting together with Spawn tomorrow?
DH: Yeah, we are going out to an early dinner.
Me: Oh where? (Curious to the venue as she likes top dollar)
DH: XYZ place. (a moderately priced place)
Me: Oh, so who’s paying?
DH: Well, I haven’t thought about it but I guess me.
I snapped and it’s not because he’s paying but its more the fact that he’s willing to pay if that makes any sense. I could understand if this was his child that he hadn’t seen in years who had been kept away from him by Meth Mouth and there were no issues between them…that I could understand. But to be willing to pay for his spoiled rotten self-centered, entitled daughter who calls him trash on social media and act like its justified set me over the edge. I snapped and went off; I told him our marriage is barely hanging by a thread and I refuse to introduce this toxin back into it when we aren’t even on an even ground. I told him he needs therapy to try to figure out how to be a husband to me before he even thinks twice about bending over backwards and sucking up to his estranged daughter. I told him I am no longer going to be in the trunk of your life, you are going to put me first and center for once and your rotten Spawn can wait while we figure us out. His only response was he knew things had been bad but he just kept waiting for me to do something about it because he was used to it and he expected it. Honestly in a flash I was like yeah, this marriage won’t last, I can see that now. Plus, our dog went to the vet today and they have to remove tumors that they aren’t sure what they are, or how much they will have to remove, but we will know next week if its cancer. On top of that I really have no outside support to talk to this about right now. DH left for one of his extracurricular activities and I literally sat there and cried because I realize I’m alone and have nobody to talk to about this…so f@ck today!
I told DH I wish his response had been.
DH: Well, I figure we will go dutch, even if Spawn says she wants to pay or asks me to pay, and going forward if things progress, I would like for us to discuss how these things are handled given the toxic nature of our past relationship and what paying for lunch can mean to Spawn”
DH sat there stunned and was like “that makes so much sense.” Honestly, I’m out, I’m tired of being married to a man baby who had zero clue how to be in a relationship and he thinks that’s what I deserve in a relationship, because I can guarantee you, he would not be happy if either of his daughters had a man like him.
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That suck to hear. Whatever
That suck to hear. Whatever you decide, hope things work in your favor and you get a resolution.
Right here's hoping, I
Right here's hoping, I thought about it and I need to give him a timeline today, because if I don't he will just continue to drift and state he's "working on it" and never do a damn thing.
Everything you are saying makes sense.
Everything you are saying makes sense. He is willing to put in the work with Spawn, when she has done nothing to better their relationship. But, he is unwilling to put any effort in making your marriage better when you have done nothing but try and fix things. I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you considered therapy, just for yourself? At least it will give you someone who will listen to you and hopefully help you sort out your feelings.
Yes thank you, you paired it
Yes thank you, you paired it down to the bare bones, he is willing to bend over backwards for everybody but me and when I raise my voice he plays the "poor me I don't know what to do" card, then never changes. I am going to look up therapists today, I admit I have a hard time with therapy because we don't have what I consider people well versed in blended family issues here, but we shall see.
What he is pulling on you is
What he is pulling on you is called "learned helplessness ". You need to turn it around on him and be "utterly incompetent " to solve his problems. Best thing I took away from therapy.
"I don't know, what are you going to do ?" Shrug shoulders and be quiet. It's really that simple.
It's time to pick yourself up
It's time to pick yourself up and stop being the doormat to his life. Ask yourself what can fix this, if it's realistic and most importantly is this the way you want to live the rest of your life.
Don't let his failings turn you into someone you wouldn't like if you met them.
Yes I woke up today motivated
Yes I woke up today motivated to start working on me and my life and what that looks like for me going forward.
H is just coasting through life
Least line of resistance-- expecting you to do all the heavy lifting whilst Spawn calls the shots due to dangling 3rd gen failure. Exhausting!
TBH I am sooooo glad my skids have stayed alienated. We have zero in common and if they did come back, I'm sure the pandering would continue in earnest despite the fact they would pick up the "trash dad" campaign instantaneously.
Sorry to hear about your fur baby.
Exactly she swoops in every
Exactly she swoops in every few years or so and he goes out of his way to appease her, but I get sh@t every day and he thinks that's acceptable.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this.
There can be some catharsis when you get to this relaization point.
Take care of yourself.
(((((Hugs)))))
Thanks Rags, it's chathartic
Thanks Rags, it's chathartic and scary I will admit.
Wowza
Hugs step talk friend.
You deserve so much more.
Good for you for speaking your mind xx
Thank you, honestly I have
Thank you, honestly I have always pushed so hard for this marriage and then one day I was like I am just done, and since then it's been like this and my DH could have cared less.
This right here says it all:
This right here says it all: His only response was he knew things had been bad but he just kept waiting for me to do something about it because he was used to it and he expected it.
I think my next move would be to ask him what he's going to do to get your marriage back on track and make you the #1 priority in his life. Put the onus on HIM. What he does next -- action or no action -- tells you everything you need to know.
I did and I told him honstly
I did and I told him honstly it would have been easier to find out he was cheating on me, instead he just doesn't care about me in any capacity and that is what hurts way worse.
Im sorry you are going through this
I know your staying for your puppy dog. Time to get your ducks in that row with finances and documents and all that. Seeking therapy will definitely help you through all the internal workings and help you build the internal strength you need.
I myself am feeling very done.I cried the eve of my birthday and Husband was just mean. You seem like you are getting better about not caring about Spawn and Husband...but that you are still grieving the relationship you thought you would have with him.
He doesnt sound like he is capable of having the relationship with you that you need. You need someone who will communicate, prioritise you and time with you. He throws you crumbs (sounds familiar) and gives you glimmers of what you want, but you never fully feel satisfied, and then you see someone who is getting the energy and love that you want and that you have worked for, and they are getting it simply because they exist and are not doing any of the work (what is it called when they do bad stuff - anti-work?) and are/have abused the relationship, but somehow they are golden child because they exist.
I hate that. I have that too. Its because you arent needy. Its because you are strong. IDK.
Husbands priorities:
1. Himself
2. Family (including children)
3. Friends
4. Fishing
5.Fishing
6. Fishing
7. Clove (maybe if in a good mood and the stars are in alignment and its the right time of day/night)
My friend said the same thing
My friend said the same thing, she was all you have been telling him for years what you need and he never does, what's going to change now? He's gone to counseling before...so what changes it this time? I was like exactly, nothing changes it!
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this.. I don't have much advice but some things I noticed with SO..
He is 46 and I'm 37. Yesterday someone he works with made him "get into his feels" in nowaday terms because they said his shirt was too small. So he got self conscious and was asking me if it was.. I say no its not...
Now he's been back at the gym.. he's natural "muscular" I'd say etc. and says something's not everyone can be **jnsert some adjective I can't remember because we were walking into target** I responded with omgg **eye roll** he then makes this comment jokingly BUT probably not jokingly: "you're suppose to stroke my ego."
My response: "you don't stroke mine why would I stroke yours."
He rarely complainants me. And I also have been at the gym and look the best I've ever looked in my life... he's never said anything about it. He does tell me he loves after every phone call etc. I'll give him that.
Seems as they get older they get more needy which I feel is natural and woman have a tougher time with it but men seem to only be able to focus on themselves or something.
Not like this is an excuse but more of a relationship hurdle that no one wants to talk about. I can see him and I getting to a point you describe.
Hoping for the best for you. And your DH sees the light.
Oh yeah
No compliments here either. I am not in the best shape of my life but I have come up with some pretty clever ideas and there were no kudos. When I did lose 35 lbs he didn't notice. He was almost angry/possibly jealous and did everything to sabotage me.
I think men see it as a competition and always need their egos stroked.
competion
I think husband is highly competitive, and while he sort of applauds me when I accomplish something its always in relation to what does, and how much better that is. Even down to housework "I just did xyz..." and then looks at me...and I say well I just cleaned the entire backyard...
Its a fricken exhausting competition.
Now I want to lose 35 lbs...darn it! I wish I were 40 again.
I have no business relationship…
Other than being a satisfied customer.
DW and I use Ideal Protein. Look for a clinic near you. We weigh in weekly. We have been active customers twice since 2017. The first time I lost almost 80 and DW lost 100. This time we both have lost 50.
Ir costs about $100 wk per person and is your daily food intake other than one meal. There is a start up fee. After that, all weekly appointments/weigh ins are covered by your weekly food purchase during your weekly appointment.
Not trying to sabotage advice
Not trying to sabotage advice's post but IMO what you said is probably why a high percentage of marriages/relationships go south. Not saying women are perfect and all men are like this.. I just think they get lazy in relationships, we shut down and just end with the day to day life...losing spark along the way.
Not to make SO out to be a total jerk because he isn't that bad haha. He does say nice things to me just only on occasions say a wedding or if I got my hair done... I think the body thing he is sensitive too and wants a lot of validation (I'm just not the type to constantly give it to him) and he is a good looking guy so I think it's in his head.
Edit: not to stereotype BUT we are here on this site.. but it's seems like the men who are with normal women and not HCGUBMs get like this in relationships. This is just a general statement and I know this isn't everyone.
I agree DH and I have been
I agree DH and I have been married for awhile now and while neither of us are perfect I have always been the one to make sure the realtionship doesn't stagnate. Well I'm getting older, my kids are getting older, I've entered peri-menopuase and I have a lot less tolerance and drive to do all the work. I'm starting to enter the stage of my life where I am thinking of me and not of everybody else and I'm not liking what I see when it comes to DH and I, part of that is me, yes I gave up, but he never even tried.