I need advice with YSD
Me and my partner moved in together almost 2 years ago.
I have 3 kids of my own. He has 2 adult children and one child.
We moved in faster than we intended to, due to him needing help getting back on his feet and me needing a safe space for me and my kids.
We ended up having a surprise child together whom is under a year.
We have my kids full time and SD every other weekend. And one night a week for dinner
When we first moved in together. SD was stand offish. We would mostly talk over Anime and with movies. And would talk way more when my partner was away. We have nights where we all watched movies. We'd eat together, went to a couple outings together (pumpkin patch, fair) And my partners oldest daughter lived with us for part of the time.
The kids would fight sometimes. My boys and SDs personalities clashed. But my daughter loves having a girl over and spends a lot of time with SD while she's here.
About the time the Baby was born, SD doesn't want to come out of her room. It's to the point she is even eating in there. My Partner will spend 90% of the time in SD's room with her. And if he comes out SD will come to the stairs and pout till he goes back up. So every other weekend I'm basically on my own. SD doesn't talk to me. And runs upstairs the moment she gets to the home.
I truly belive SD is neglected at BM house. BM is a text book narcissistic. Neither SD or adult SS are allowed to speak their new siblings name in their house. The moment BM found out about me, she tried to take parenting time away from my partner. She found out about baby, and will try similar. I've had conversations with SD about SD saying the new baby is not her real sibling, that she's a step sibling because that's what BM told her. We've also had issues of BM taking pictures of SD before she come to our house and then again when SD goes back home, to tell SD that she's over eating at our house and getting fat. I could go on for days, but mainly pointing this out to say I'm not upset with the child. SD is just trying to survive and grabbing onto attention from Dad. And I feel like most of this probably comes from BM.
But I'm at a loss with how to get her more involved with the house hold. I feel abandoned weekends SD is here. We're supposed be getting married. Putting our families together and I'm pushed out with my newborn. I tried to plan something all the kids would like for this weekend and got "no she doesn't want to go" from my partner. If he's not home SD locks herself in her room and doesn't come out, doesn't answer if i knock. I'm typing this debating leaving so she'll come eat and let her dog out since my partner is working.
How old are all the kids?
I'm wondering how old everyone is
Ages
My kids 13 M: 11 M : 8F
Partners kids. 22 M : 21 F : 12 F
Our 8 month old
I'm 33. Partner is 42
DH needs to stop chasing SD
DH needs to stop chasing SD and get back to the family. He needs to set her straight about his time and priorities and responsibilities. His priority is his adult relationship and the pursuit of happiness for himself. His responsibilities are working, kids, bills etc. You have the makings of a mini-wife if not already. She has way to much power! He more afraid of her than he is of disappointing you! You have a DH problem. Search out mini- wife posts from the search bar. It's a common problem around here. Usually encouraged by a high conflict BM paired with a weak man. BM employs guilt and Dad reacts. Until he realizes he is being manipulated by both, he will be their puppet, thereby interfering the relationship with you. (Underlying goal of HCBM).
Your DH needs to adjust his
Your DH needs to adjust his priorities. He doesn't get to focus 90% on one child to the exclusion of his other child. He can't expect you to be almost exclusively responsible for your mutual child every time SD is present in your home. There's no guarantee that SD will ever blend with you and your kids, but she certainly won't if she and your partner are locking themselves away from everyone else when she's there.
Tell your partner what your expectations are for HIM when his daughter is there, and if he can't adjust his priorities, then call off the wedding. Don't marry him until he can prioritize his adult relationship - if he didn't do that you're in for a long, miserable slog.
There is not much you can do about how BM parents in her own
home.
However, you can completely control SD behavior in your home. I would immediately end the SD/Daddy sequestering sessions and give DH and SD clarity that if they are not going to participate in the family during visitatio time, then they need to leave and take SD visitatio at a hotel.
DH needs clarity that he is married to you and not to SD and that your/his young child has to be the primary child/parent relationship. SD has already been an infant. It is your new childs turn.
SD also needs the complete and total facts in an age appropriate manner. She needs to know her mother is a liar, a manipulator, and that your new child is not SD's Step Sib. They have the same father.
Keep those facts front and center every second going forward any time SD spouts an untruth. Making sure that you preface the correciton with "That is your mother lying to you again."
I would.