Use of our home by SD
Hi, I’m a lesbian in a 5 year relationship with my partner. We are unmarried and living together for a year. I have no children, she has 3 adult children 25-32. I'm looking for advice for a particular situation. My partner and i are going on vacation for 2 weeks, and her 30 year old daughter stated, "you know I'll be coming over to the pool. " we have a community pool that she enjoys, and her mom has given her free access to it since she moved out. However, going to the pool means also coming to the house before and after, raiding the fridge, hanging out, and usually dinner. So we know going to the pool also means the house. We both didn't like her telling us she'll be using the house while we're away ( versus asking), so my partner later told her so. She did apologize, then asked. My partner and I discussed beforehand if that would be ok. I said yes, with some house rules- water the garden, throw out her trash, leave things as she found them, and no other guests. When my partner told her this, she asked for just one person to be allowed. My partner agreed. We already discussed the inappropriateness of her changing the rules without discussing with me. She realizes the mistake, so that's not the issue now. But, our feelings about her daughter using the house are very different. She wants her daughter to feel welcome in what used to be her home, and has no problem with her daughter staying here and having a guest. Her boundaries are, no parties, no overnight guest(s), and the daughter doesn't essentially move in for 2 weeks. But she's ok with one guest and staying the day, having a bbq, etc. my feelings: this isn't her house to use like that. Just her telling us her intention with our home tells me she thinks she has rights here, and i find that disturbing. My gut feeling is to tell her we don't want her or anyone elsein the house when we're not home. But I'm willing to compromise on allowing just her daughter here, even though that doesn't even feel right. I think it would create too much animosity, and not allowing a guest is enough of a boundary for now. What are the opinions on adult kids using mom's house while she's away?
I don't like it. I think
I don't like it. I think that there is an underlying insinuation of "entitlement" and I find that to be a scary word where SKs are involved. My SD used to be the same way until we purchased our own home. One that she never had any prior access to. We never gave her a key to OUR house and she never asked for one either. It's a hard NO from me on that one. Your personal effects are in that house. The only people who should have access to it, are the people who actually live there. Look for nice public pools and suggest that she look into visiting those instead. IMHO. Good Luck!
When you move into someone home
You are setting yourself up for these type of problems. Depending on how the DD treats the home? Will make my feelings.
There only so much food. Try to used up the food before you leave.
Do you want to start a fight with your SO? She not going to see it your way.
I wouldn't have a problem
I wouldn't have a problem with her using the pool. I would have a problem with her using the house. You didn't ask her to "house sit" so I don't know why she feels entitled to use your home? Even if your SO does ask her to watch the house, I would think that consists of grabbing the mail/packages, water garden, walk any pets, etc. Not help yourself to everything while you are gone.
What are the opinions on
What are the opinions on adult kids using mom's house while she's away?
I feel that adult kids should be adult enough to realize that if mom now has a live in partner, that changes things a bit and it's not just mom's home. It's called respect and your partner should teach it to her kids.
But, maybe your partner needs to learn a little respect, herself (for you). I get that she wants her daughter to feel at home, but it's not the daughter's home, anymore, and it's not just her (your partner's) home, anymore. She should realize that it's not necessarily comfortable for you to have her daughter in your home while the two of you are away.
This is no longer her
This is no longer her daughter's home. Would she be as happy to lend the place to your brother/sister while you're away? Yes, I know it's never been their home but both of the inhabitants should be comfortable with who is in their home.
Do you have cameras to check that the rules don't get broken and your hospitality and kindness abused?
both of the inhabitants
both of the inhabitants should be comfortable with who is in their home
Yep.
Borderline
I feel like I will have this same issue soon if my toxic SD 23 Bratty McBratFace moves back to our area.
I guess for me the difference is she did not grow up here and it is my house they moved into. She was 19 and only stayed one summer here during college.
So I feel like Bratty has no rights to make such a request.
But in your case, she did grow up in that house so I think it's somewhat normal to still feel attached to it. I would have no issue with the pool and probably not the house either. She should take care of some chores for you and you can ask your SO to stock the fridge from her own money before you leave.
This is based on the assumption that she isature enough to not trash the place.
I would have no issue with one friend but agree with no parties or overnight guests. Again depends on her maturity level of she can be trusted to comply.
Sell the house. Buy one together.
That way the Skids have no bond to the place other than it is their mother's home she shares with her partner.
Are you certain your partner knows ...
.. that you are uncomfortable with this? If not, tell her in so many words. I believe that people should always honor their partners' strong feelings for or against something. She should act now--tell her darling NO--and ask questions later. Your NO by itself should be enough to persuade her. Ideally you two would talk this out until you find a position that you both are happy with. Unfortunately, of course, we do not live in an ideal world. In reality, sometiimes you just have to assert yourself. As the kids say, NO means NO. NO is a complete sentence. If your partner does not honor your NO, you've got more problems than an unruly skid.
All kinds
of boundaries that are not created, not enforced and continually broken.
SD seems to make everything a negotiation where she has to push things. Her lack of manners and sensitivity would lead me to just say no to everything.
Like another poster said "NO means no and is a complete sentence".
Sounds Like A Taker
The whole situation is unsettling to me. Why does your partner's adult daughter need to lay claim to your home the insatnt you're not in it yourselves? How relaxing is your vacation knowing that your home is being used like a hotel? Sell the house and buy a new one together. All the adult skids will have no claim to it, no attachment, no childhood memories. I may be a little overboard in saying I would hide all personal items, financial records, etc before I'd leave for vacation. Tell your partner that you can't relax and enjoy vacation time with her if her adult daughter doesn't respect your space while you're not it in it !! BTW, what does this adult SD do for entertainment and recreation when you are home? One last thing, make sure new home has no pool. My husband and I own a home with a pool....everyone but the mailman thinks they are entitled to use it whether we are home or not. We finally drained the water and shut the pool down....the liability was all ours if something went wrong while others were using our pool.