So Over Dealing with SS11 (VENT)
SS11's behavior took a turn at the end of last week/beginning of this week. DH thinks SS got comfortable and now he is showing his true colors. He has been entitled, extremely cocky, challenging to authority, and views himself as an equal to adults. I was having a conversation with my Mom and SS felt inclined to interject and start poking fun at my Mom... No sir. DH has corrected him multiple times this week about butting out of other people's business, staying out of adult conversations, being respectful, etc.
On Sunday, BM and GF called SS. SS tried to go out to the yard in the pouring rain to take their call in privacy. DH told SS "No" and made him sit in the other room. SS told BM and GF that he got super sunburned, which of course sent BM into a tangent: "make sure they are reapplying, make sure they are giving you after sun" bullshit. SS has not been the slightest bit sunburned this entire trip. We have used an SPF 50+ zinc based sunscreen and reapplied plentifully. This kid has a golden farmer's tan - no peeling, no redness, no bumps. I was pissed. We called SS out on his "sunburn" and he swears up and down that he was burned and got mad at DH for challenging that fact. Then the next day, he was arguing with DH about why all cars aren't convertibles like SS thinks they should be. DH listed off a variety of reasons and then said that some people don't want to get "sunburned" and SS said "Oh I never get sunburned so that's not a problem for me." DH called him on it and said, "You told your Mom last night that you got super burned." SS didn't say anything.
DH and DD both got strep throat this trip. Both went to urgent care and got antibiotics. SS has shown no sign of illness. DD developed a junky cough and my Mom made a comment that it "sounded croupy." SS lost his damn mind, going on how he has chronic croup, which is why the throat scope (which came back inconclusive) was needed and he needs his medication (the script that he didn't use in a year and a half). SS went on and on about how he was going to get sick and OMG.
Last night, after dinner, we stopped by the bocce courts to play a game. We were outside at dusk for a maximum of 20 minutes. Halfway through, SS starts jumping around, freaking out about mosquitoes. Of course, we didn't have bug spray on us because we were coming back from dinner and who carries that around? SS was going on and on about being highly allergic, which is bullshit. We told SS that it isn't a big deal if he gets one or two mosquito bites. We told him he could stop playing and we could go home or he could keep playing. He kept playing. Today, DH and I were packing up and DH came across SS' ipod touch. The search engine history said "Are mosquitoes more likely to land on people who are allergic?" "Signs of being allergic to mosquitoes" "why do mosquitoes land on some people more than others" and "What are lesions?" ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? DH confiscated the ipod touch for now.
So basically, this kid doesn't trust us worth a damn and doesn't trust us to actually take care of him. I want to call him out on it but don't even know if it's worth it or a good idea. I have half a brain to tell SS that if he doesn't trust us to look out for him, he can stay at BM's. DH doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't want to act like we were snooping in his browser history. I am so sick of this kid being an entitled, better than everyone, hypochondriac. We are constantly having to walk on eggshells to make sure we don't set him off and therefore set BM off. I know SS is going to go back to BM's house and tell her all about this "sunburn" and "croup risk" and "mosquito bites," all of which don't exist and then we are going to have to deal with BM and her false allegations and further alienation tactics. SS goes home Saturday and comes back every other week through the first week of July and I'm already ready for summer to be over.
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Comments
I'd be curious what kind of
I'd be curious what kind of information he found with his little internet search. In fact if that's the only way to educate him in the face of all this brainwashing into hypochondriac thinking , I might make him research everything he's a know it all about. Can you imagine sending him back to the other house armed with facts he researched himself? If course he'll come back with some nonsense about his research being faulty and then You get to wonder out loud why they don't want him to know the truth and have little faith in his ability to research for the answers. That plays into his little narcissistic mindset. He's 11 and insufferable. You need to outsmart him.
He has been programmed well
To think of his father as a mere sperm donor. Hypochondria as an offshoot of BM's munchausen's is clear as a bell.
He's well past the age of deprogramming intervention and it won't be long before he completely PASes out similar to JustMakingThe Best's SS, unfortunately.
All you can do is sit back and view the slow motion trainwreck. I'm kind of glad in my case the PASout was severe and abrupt...not like prolonging the inevitable in torturous agony. Sorry I can't be more optimistic but there it is.
If there was justice in the world, the slightest bit of PAS should cause the perpetrator (mostly BMs) to instantly lose custody and visitation followed by immediate jail time, criminal child abuse record and sterilization. IMO.
Hypochondria as an offshoot
Hypochondria as an offshoot of BM's munchausen's is clear as a bell.
My thoughts exactly! I also wonder if complaining about the sunburn is done for the BM and GF so it downplays him having any type of fun with DH.
BINGO!
And again, giving him a taste of his own medicine by giving him his hypochondria right back by barring him from doing any activities will eventually backfire, and the BM will say he's not having any fun at Castle's house. Double standard.
"oh we can't possibly go to .
"oh we can't possibly go to ... there might be mosquitoes and you think you're allergic. let's do a craft instead"
"oh we can't go do .... what if you get super sunburned again. Let's all do a jigsaw puzzle inside instead"
"oh no, we shouldn't enjoy going to .... what if you get sick?"
sucks to be him.
In theory
That would be great but we know there's a massive double standard. As soon as you start giving him a taste of his own medicine, he will report back to the mothership as not having any fun at your house. And then that will be the new theme of the day coming from the mothership..
true but that's easy to turn
true but that's easy to turn around.
"yes, we are concerned. SS says he is super allergic to xyz and we are worried about him being affected."
what can she say to that?
That he isn't allergic, well then that blows his toy boat right out of the bathtub doesn't it.
"Oh dear, SS, just think, if
"Oh dear, SS, just think, if you weren't allergic and if you didn't have health problems, we could have taken you to Disneyland but we just can't take the risk of putting you in a place where there are so many people who could contaminate you ... (and if you're feeling wicked, you could add) I suppose that's why BM and her GF left you in the hotel room when they went? Never mind, we'll go and have fun at the library."
I hear that eating things
I hear that eating things rich in vit B might make you repell mosq. I think Cod Liver Oil has vit B.. he should be fed a spoonful every time he complains of being allergic.
Although tempting
To do that It would only backfire as the mothership would send a cease and desist order stating not to feed HER son with anything unauthorized by the mothership.
**UPDATE**
DH and I had the conversation with SS. We started off by telling him that he isn't in trouble but DH asked if he trusted us to take care of him. SS said he did. DH reminded him that we use SPF 50+ zinc sunscreen, that we have bug spray and a first aid kit at home and that we bought him kids Pepto a few days ago when he had indigestion. SS agreed. DH brought up the search history and SS looked nervous. DH told SS that he wanted SS to bring all medical and safety concerns to us, instead of Googling because not all information on Google is accurate or safe. SS agreed and apologized, he said that someone in our group questioned the reality his mosquito allergy and that bothered him. We told him to disregard anyone else's comments and go to us directly. We shall see if it sticks, but I highly doubt it.
You are correct
To doubt it. He got caught playing interference for the mothership. He'll be more careful (deceitful) in the future and will probably tell the mothership that you spied on him.
Good way of handling it!
Good way of handling it!
The reality is that most
The reality is that most everyone is allergic to Mosq. bites.. that's why we welp up and itch! some people it's worse than others.. but I don't think it's fatal.. (unless they are carrying dengue fever or something)
Yes proper
To bring it up with SS but we know this isn't a sane BM.
Take pictures. He does not
Take pictures. He does not have a sunburn. You may need documentation.
My thoughts. You can clearly
My thoughts. You can clearly prove he doesn't have sunburn by a simple picture. Ridiculous they have to "prove" it though.
I am sorry Castle. He is definitely programmed. No normal 11 year old is googling I am allergic to mosquitos... even in todays society. He is losing his innocence more and more as time goes on.
We took plenty of photos of
We took plenty of photos of SS this trip that clearly show he isn't sunburned. It won't matter. BM would claim the photos were taken after it tanned off or that it's filtered. You literally cannot win with her, nor do we ever plan to.
I feel bad for SS because at his age, I could care less if I was sunburned or mosquito bite ridden. I loved being outside with or without sunscreen or bug spray. I drank out of a garden hose. I got muddy and dirty. It's all a huge part of childhood and he is missing out. He will likely continue to be a hypochondriac as he gets older and it will hold him back and prevent him from experiencing things.
Tolerate no bullshit or inaccuracies.
Force him to research and bring the facts.
Every time.
No opinions, just fact. From legitimate sources.
What if DH played BM's game?
What if DH played BM's game? Draft her an email expressing concern over his behaviors (that she created and enables such as the entitlement and butting into convos) and put it on her to explain why she thinks that he acts that way? After all she's such a wonderful mom (eyeroll). Come from a place of care and concern I wonder what she'd do if DH called him (and her) out?
DH has done this and due to
DH has done this and due to BM's narcissism, it always backfires and leads to major verbal and psychological abuse toward DH. DH has reached out to BM several times in the past expressing concerns over various things and her responses have always been flipped around the blame DH. Things like "SS acts that way because he isn't comfortable with you and doesn't trust you," or "Well you would know his complex medical history if you only attended his medical appointments and tried to be an involved parent" (despite BM not telling DH about scheduled medical appointments), or the good old "I don't believe you." BM thinks SS is perfect because he is a spitting image of her (and her entire family) and she sees no issues with his behavior. As far as the hypochondriac behavior, BM is a hypochondriac herself and I think that constant paranoia has run over onto SS. BM has obsessed over that kid's skin for years - no dry skin, no sunburns, no bruises, no bug bites (despite that all of that happens at her house).
When SS was 5 and we started overnights, he had bowel issues. BM demanded that we bought special flushable wipes and helped him wipe when these episodes occurred. When we asked BM about his bowel issues, BM said that they were caused by DH. She claimed that SS was uncomfortable in our home and the stress of having to follow a CO caused SS to have stomach issues. When SS was 8, we took him to Florida on vacation. On the way back, he developed a sinus infection and we wanted to take him to an urgent care. BM refused to give DH the insurance card, claiming he would commit insurance fraud or try to access BM's medical records and demanded that DH either bring SS back to BM's state so she could take him to the doctor or take him to BM's parents so they could take him. DH refused and took SS to urgent care. BM later threw a fit about it in court (since she has sole legal custody), stating that DH didn't provide the full medical report since we left out the customer service survey on the last page of the discharge paperwork and that he doesn't have medical decision making authority so he was in contempt. SS once told DH and I that BM won't let SS come out of his room until 11 am so BM can sleep in; he even said he wasn't allowed to use the bathroom or get breakfast. We brought up the allegation and the concern to BM and she dismissed it, flipping the conversation, and accusing us of a bunch of stuff. She said "Kids lie and exaggerate" but then when she accused us, she said "SS never lies and I fully believe what he says about you." There are a million more stories I can share as to why any additional communication with BM just isn't worth it. We are always to blame and BM, GF, and SS are never wrong.
Night DH be able to flip it?
Might DH be able to flip it? "Doctors appointments you say? Kindly email me the next date and I'll be there."
Reapect comes from within- it's not contextual. It's either taught or it's not. I still say he call her ass out. She can attempt to flip all she wants but she raises him 80% of the time and this reflects her poor parenting
It comes down to this:
If the court system is not on the SANE parent's side ( and they're not) it is all in vain. Yes document these occurrences for your own sanity but when it comes to "turnabout is fair play" it simply doesn't work in these cases where skid has Stockholm Syndrome. And the courts will back the INsane BM to the wall, further cementing in brainwashed skid's mind that "mommy rules and daddy drools."
^ 100% this.
^ 100% this.
The sane parent is nothing more than the paycheck and she who shrieks the loudest wins in family court. There is no winning. Only surviving and trying to be the voice of reason in all the insanity. The problem with Munchausen and PAS is the kid believes the parent inflicting the issues. They are brainwashed to such an extreme that there isn't coming back from that. Dad will always be the bad guy.