We Talked to SS12 Tonight
We talked to SS12 tonight for our regular twice weekly FaceTime. He was sort of quiet, like normal. DH told SS last week that he would be arriving early for Labor Day weekend pick-up to watch SS practice, bringing snacks and drinks for the team to enjoy after practice. Tonight, SS nervously asked DH to not bring snacks and drinks. SS said "the coach doesn't like parents to get involved in that sort of thing" Whether SS is being honest and the coach feels that way or BM convinced SS to say that to DH to discourage his involvement, DH told SS he will honor his wishes, but will ensure SS has his favorite drinks and snacks at pick-up for the car ride home. SS nervously smiled.
DH picks SS up in a few weeks for Labor Day weekend. During the call, when DH mentioned plans for that weekend with SS, SS got weird, like he didn't want us talking about it, almost as if they were listening. DH backed off. Most of the call was us talking and SS responding with yes/no answers and minimal speaking, which we know from therapy and previous legal counsel, is typically the reaction of a PASed kid who knows they are being listened to. DH and I never push SS to talk more because we don't want SS in the middle, worried about BM and GF reacting. We just feel bad for him.
DH and I are mailing SS a back to school package this week filled with school supplies, water enhancers, a fidget toy and a book of life skills 12 year olds should know (much needed after this summer). I also included a recent art project done by DD2 - a wooden photo frame she colored on as part of an enrichment activity I offered her. I put a cute photo of DD and SS in it and signed the back with DD's name and the year. Hopefully he will like it all.
Looking forward to seeing SS soon. It's been 6 weeks since his last visit.
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Comments
Can DH contact the coach
Can DH contact the coach about the snacks and drinks?
DH can, but he is just going
DH can, but he is just going to leave it alone. SS was adamant that he didn't want DH doing that "per the coach" so DH just won't. It doesn't matter what the reason is. If SS doesn't want it, DH won't force it. DH will show up at the court ordered pick-up time and watch an hour of practice, but he won't come with snacks/drinks.
The whole snacks thing
The whole snacks thing absolutely reeks of BM's influence. I've never known a coach who would give a shit about that one way or the other.
I would bet just about anything that BM has either told the coach or the other parents that DH is a deadbeat or out of the picture. Can't have him show up early to watch practice and engage with teammates and ruin her poor single mother routine. I guess there is a remote possibility that SS is just being a weird preteen who doesn't want his dad to "do too much" but based on BM's past behavior, I think she's the most likely suspect. And didn't she initially try to have y'all pick SS up from her house after the first part of practice, rather than going to practice?
It sucks thag SS can't just have a normal conversation with y'all. It has to be exhausting to constantly be monitoring what you say and how you react. Poor kid.
No, actually it was the
No, actually it was the opposite. The order states that DH is to pick SS up at BM's house UNLESS otherwise agreed to by both parties. Well, BM said that because her parenting time is from 2 pm to 3 pm, she is sending SS to practice and if DH wanted him at 3 pm, he could pick him up early at practice, since it goes until 4 pm. She is disregarding the fact that DH didn't agree to change the pick-up location. We're assuming she wanted DH to be the bad guy who ripped SS out of practice an hour early based on her email response. DH isn't doing that and will just watch practice from 3-4 pm.
Luckily SS does great when he's with us. He's very comfortable and normal. He just can't handle interacting with us at BMs since those two worlds aren't supposed to overlap.
Ohhhh, I see... I thought she
Ohhhh, I see... I thought she'd tried to finagle the situation so he wouldn't pick up from practice at all. Well in any case, you're right that you have to honor whatever SS says. On the off chance the coach did say that OR it's a weird preteen embarrassment thing, no reason to press the issue.
The things blended families have to deal with are just so silly. I think people who haven't experienced would be mind blown by the mental load we carry when we're forever having to think through the consequences of what should be the most straightforward scenarios. I'll say that I makes me appreciate my parenting experience with DD all the more; parenting is a piece of cake compared to step parenting.
This^^ the last paragraph.
This^^ the last paragraph. Castles husband can't even bring f'n snacks and drinks for his kid's football team because of a controlling BM. Something SO basic!! When SOs boys played football when they were his age guess what... all parents rotated snacks and drinks!!
Constant mental cartwheels in step land.. and it's the kids that suffer the most.
OPs stepson has a lot on his plate and it just isn't fair.
I'd bring the kid out to an
I'd bring the kid out to an all you can eat buffet afterward cause I'm petty
Oh it's insane how much we
Oh it's insane how much we have to consider in step life, especially with a HCBM. Half of the stuff BM has flipped out about over the years, I would never dream of being an issue with DD because it's all a normal part of childhood and parenting. Step life just makes it all so much more complicated - involvement in sports, involvement in schools, involvement in medical care, traveling, activities where a kid may get hurt and how BM would react to that, etc. Its like a mental jungle gym. I never once have to think about these things with DD.
I wonder if the sports
I wonder if the sports organization has somehow gotten overly cautious about parents bringing food or drink to give other kids.. like worries over allergy issues etc? or food safety issues?
I know back in the day.. there might be a revolving schedule of parents who were obligated to bring the snacks for the team.. I guess I could also see if all the parents did it, it couldget to be too much.
Dad will be there.. so he can see if other parents are providing things or not too.