About to divorce over inability to blend family
I met my husband in 2020, he had two boys, age 3 and 5, and I was childless. I had no experience with kids, but still decided to give him a shot. I thought he way amazing, he was good at balancing the kids and I with 3-days a week custody, and I fell in love. Our relationship moved quickly, we got married, have a one-year old, and another baby on the way. Fastforward 2023, We are struggling in our marriage very badly. In the last year, my husbands ex moved across country for work, and my husband reluctantly let the kids go. We were in a weird living situation at the time , my husbands business was going under, and I was getting used to being a mom to 10 month old. My husband has always worked very long days, I'm talking 13-14 hr days. Leaving me alone with our son all day.
I call myself a stay at home mom, but I still work as a nurse outside the state 4 days a month. I travel back to my hometown , stay with my parents, squeeze a visit in and then head back home. It pays well enough to make a full-time income as a nurse in the state I live in. It's hard, maybe it seems crazy; but I found a way to make money and still get to spend the rest of the month with my baby.
The kids are now 6 & 8, our son is 1, and im due in October. Because my husband has been away from his kids during the school year, he told his ex he would take them for three months during the summer. When I asked him what his plans were, if he was going to do summer camp, he exploded at me and called me selfish. He also told his ex I was going to stay home with them.
his whole argument was that I didn't want to deal with the kids; and was just trying to "dump" them at summer camp. Keep in mind, my husband works a lot, and I only suggested part-time daycare. He felt like they had come all the way out to us, only to not be able to spend time with us.
I'm at my wits end, he constantly tells me I shouldn't have marrried someone with kids, and how when I married him, I married the kids too. I mean, I get it. But he never takes time to realize how difficult it's been for me too. I guess I don't understand why it's expected me to stay home all day with three kids while he works, while also trying to juggle the symptoms of exhaustion from pregnancy. I have no problem helping with the kids, but I don't understand why he willingly made plans to bring the kids for three months without any plans. No summer camp, no daycare, no family support. I'm BUSY. I'm a pregnant mom, I provide for my family and am also in online real estate school.
his arguments is that I should love the kids as my own. And that they are the same as our son. It's been him constantly trying to state there is no difference between his kids and our son. I told him to let me love the kids according to my own version, at the end of the day they don't see me as their mom. So why keep pushing me?
He constantly tells me he wished their mom would just get in an accident and die, so that they had no choice but to come live with us full-time. And that he wishes they only had me and him.
I'm exhausted of financially supporting him, constantly putting up with this expectation that I need to be this super-step mom.
It's not even that I have a problem with the kids, I'm having a problem with him. I feel like we need to divorce because we cannot get on the same page, I know for a fact I've struggled being around the kids full-time since day one. But I told him that. I've been transparent with how overwhelmed I get. But he then told me he was hoping I'd change and so he still went ahead and married me. Now he constantly tells me he made a mistake by marrying me. I feel cheated out of my life, like I'm better off being a single-mom.
LET ME CLARIFY: I am a per diem nurse and make enough to cover my expenses, the expenses for my son, our mortgage. All he covers for me is the car (which was a gift), health insurance and other small things.. and the cost to run his business, amongst other assets, but the main basic living expenses.. me. So I'm not a stay at home mom that doesn't have strong income . I'm pretty sure id find a way to be home whether he was in the picture or not. my mom watches my son when i work, AND i pay her myself.
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"his arguments is that I
"his arguments is that I should love the kids as my own. And that they are the same as our son."
Um, to HIM they are the same as your son. He is being selfish by expecting you to have the same feelings for his kids as you do. Adding 2 other children full-time at home when you have a baby and are pregnant is a huge increase in your workload. You have never lived with these kids full-time. I think you should try marriage counseling, since you have kids with him. But - he is delusional and borderline narcissistic by considering you to be sort of an extension of himself when it comes to dealing with his kids. His other kids are individuals who don't know you very well, either. He probably expects that they will love you like a mommy because you are married to him, the center of his own universe. The delusion is strong!
He constantly tells me that I
He constantly tells me that I wish his kids would go away, and that it's selfish how I feel relieved when they go to their moms. But I feel like he's the one obsessed with WISHING we were a nuclear family.
By forcing them on you
By forcing them on you without your input, he is making his dream of you being one big happy family even less likely to come true.
That's how I feel too. It's
That's how I feel too. It's not fun being pressured, and to feel like I have to brush all my feelings under the rug. It's also discouraging how I feel like I'm s good wife and good mom. But I'll never be good enough since I can't be the step-mom he wants me to be.
Not to be insensitive. However, you are better off being q
not with this guy. He has told you that you are a mistake. He never wanted you, or your babies, he wanted a mommy for his failed family spawn.
So... leave him to them.
Do not waste your life on him, and do not expose your own children to his failed parenting any more than absolutely necessary.
Exactly how I feel. Like he
Exactly how I feel. Like he just wanted a mommy for his kids.
It sounds like his
It sounds like his expectation was that if you were going to be a stay at home parent.. and that he would fully financially support you all.. that would mean you would care for his kids when he had custody time. Honestly? it's a reasonable thing to expect that since paying for childcare for the kids might not be financially comfortable if he doesn't have another person contributing financially to the household.
He probably also feels like "how hard can it be".. being a guy he probably doesn't have the full understanding of how you might be managing with being pregnant and caring for a baby.. and to then have two more kids.. it could be "a lot".
So.. do you think you might find that going back to work would put yourself in a stronger position to expect him to have his kids in daycare?
In the end.. I don't think it's unusual for a guy who appears to have more traditional gender role mentality (he works.. woman is the homeaker).. to think that you would fully take on that role with his other kids as well. The problem is that you didn't have a full meeting of the minds when you decided that you would be the SAHM and he would be "the provider" in the home.
I disagree with the theory that a guy working long hours has excess to put two kids into camps and daycare.... life's expensive.. and he may not have extra money.. or spending that may require OP to manage with less resources for herself and her baby. sometimes you can't have it all.. and this is a test of their relationship.. they will need to navigate their difference in positions..
I'm not saying he is right.. or that she is right.. there are a variety of ways this could work out. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want his kids over the summer.. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a balance where she does childcare while he earns the money. But.. I also don't think it's unreasonable for OP to feel overwhelmed and blindsided by an agreement she didn't realize she may have made. Those kids may not be "her responsiblility".. but then again.. he is covering her financial responsibility for hers and her share of their child's financial support.. so there is def room to have some discussion here.
"or spending that may require
"or spending that may require OP to manage with less resources for herself and her baby. "
OP may rather that. Managing with fewer resources, that is. It's like the difference between having a struggling adult skid live in your home vs sending resources out to help them live elsewhere. It's a choice that the non-bioparent half of the partnership should get to help make. If DH will be working long days, he won't see them any less if they go to day camp for some part of every weekday.
Actually, I'm almost a full
Actually, I'm almost a full time stay at home mom. I am a per diem nurse and work enough to pay the mortage. So I contribute a lot financially. I also have good credit so I constantly lend him money to run his business when he's short
Ye Olde
Unilateral decision between bioDAD and the BM EVEN THOUGH it effects SM. 100% responsibility and 0% authority for SM.
Ask him if he wants to pay CS for two more children.
I have said that, but he does
I have said that, but he does this thing where he states how tired he is of ME, how ungrateful I am, and somehow makes me feel like he would walk out on me. It's just a stressful place to be when you're 23 weeks pregnant. Like no one wants to be in a situation like that..and so I keep hoping it will be better.
I can honestly see where he
I can honestly see where he is coming from. You are being afforded the opportunity to be a SAHM, which means he probably can't afford camp or daycare for his kids for this summer. It would be different if you were working but this is one of those trade off situations.
BM moved and now you have a long-distance parenting schedule. That means summers, spring break and 1 week of winter break most likely. That isn't a lot of time. The kids always feel like outsiders and the bonding feels super forced. This isn't easy and I get that, believe me! My kids dad has moved away and closer and away and closer throughout the years and I have seen it from them. I also had that schedule with my SS when he used to visit.
At the end of the day, divorcing means going back to work. You are BM2 and have kid 3/4- which means little child support. The first kids get the bulk. If going back to work means that you have the funds to send his kids to summer camp... Going back to work seems like a better answer than divorcing and ending your kids stable home, from the outside looking in at least. Your complaints seem to just be that he wants the blended family dream, that rarely happens. Not that he is a bad husband, doesn't care for you, doesn't love you, abuses you, tears you down, etc. He just wants you to love his kids. While that may or may not be possible, you aren't in that place right now being a new mom and pregnant.
This feels like a very salvageable relationship. Don't give up hope yet OP! Talk to him. Look at finances together to fully understand. Maybe there is a happy medium where they can go to a couple of 1 week camps through local parks and rec to give you a break but financially be possible? Spend some time looking up possibilities to help both of you make this summer a good one for everyone!
Let me clarify, I work enough
Let me clarify, I work enough to pay my own expenses and the mortage. I have that opportunity with my career as a nurse. Which is my opinion is pretty much all big expenses. I also cover all expenses for our son. He makes enough to cover HIS business expenses and our second home which is now a rental, which he purchased without my approval. I even offered to pay for one of the kids daycare. I make money, and I contribute a lot. I'd be a stay at home mom the way I am whether I'm with him or not.
His whole issue was I DIDNT
His whole issue was I DIDNT GET MY KIDS ALL THE WAY OUT HERE SO JUST TO SEND THEM TO CAMP, so he was being stubborn
He makes enough to cover his
He makes enough to cover his expenses but doesn't contribute to the household, is that right? Bought a rental without discussing it with you? Made plans with BM without discussing it with you? Sounds like a pattern, no wonder you are frustrated! he has no idea that he SHOULD be discussing this stuff with you in the first place. It's definitely a DH problem. As a business owner he should understand numbers and I stand by my advice to gather them up and show him facts on how expensive it would be to divorce you. He needs a wake up call.
Your clarifications make a
Your clarifications make a BIG difference. While you stay at home most of the time, you aren't really a SAHM, you work to provide for your family, you just have the ability to do it in a few days a month.
If the issue isn't affording camp, there is no reason why the kids aren't in camp. They will have more fun than being stuck at home with babies all summer. He won't be home during the day, that is the perfect answer. Maybe he doesn't understand that day camps are designed to keep kids happy, entertained and active during the summer?
He seems to really have his head stuck up his butt on this and I'm not sure why. Considering he isn't the breadwinner, he isn't helping you with bills even, he isn't around for your children because of work, he isn't around for his kids because of work... what is he really giving you in this relationship?
Please tell me normally you guys are happy and he is your best friend and you enjoy your time together!
I'm glad. I knew It would
I'm glad. I knew It would make a difference, I just wrote the post late last night when I was very upset and didn't include all I wanted.
I've done literally ALL I can, and all sacrifices posible to be home as much as I can with my baby. Even if I worked full time as a nurse I'd work three days a week, and have four off. So either way, I'll be home with him. It's just I've taken it one step further to make it so I can be home more.
The sad thing, is WE ARE. I have been supportive because we have a lot going on . We have a rental that just kickstarted as an Airbnb, I've been a travel nurse and relocated for a year, his business has had good moments, but I'm not sure if it's him or the business that's making it so damn hard to keep a calm life.
our MAIN area of conflict, kids from previous marriage......
He just can't cope with the kids being across the country, he keeps saying they got ripped away from them and he just can't get over it.
I'm getting tired. I'm also
I'm getting tired. I'm also stuck feeling, what if I divorce him.. and he keeps making my life hard.. what if my life is more terrible than it is now..
Reading this, all I see is a
Reading this, all I see is a selfish boy who doesn't actually know what marriage and partnership mean, much less parenting.
He didn't want a partner to grow with. He wanted someone who he could slip into the mother/wife spot that was missing in his life when he and his ex split. The fact that he wishes she were dead just proves that point. Her being around breaks his fantasy of wife, kids, picket fence, etc. The fact that you two had a quick relationship into marriage and kids also supports his "fill a slot" mentality. If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman - any woman.
This isn't the first time a situation like this has popped up on here. You need to be careful that this doesn't turn from toxicity to abuse. He has a 3 and 5 year old. His major relationships with kids don't seem to last long. Tell me, why did he and the ex split? What story did he spin to you, and does that story align with knowing he wishes her dead for his own selfish reasons?
You're being used to fulfil his fantasies. My guess is his behavior changed after you all got married, and then even more so after you had your son. My guess is that is when he started working more and being upset when you pushed back against him making unilateral decisions for the family, like you being unable to work because his failing business (is it actually failing or is that what he tells you to make you think you can't afford daycare and for you to work so you're stuck depending on him?).
I need you to internalize this next piece: if you divorce, it isn't because you didn't try hard enough. It's because he wanted, at best, a selfish version of his life only or, at worst, he's an abusive prick that was looking to keep you as his slave. You aren't a bad stepmother. You aren't a bad mother. You aren't a bad wife. HE is the problem. And you need to really, truly, deeply consider if you want to raise your kids in the same home as a man who treats you like an appliance and hired help.
A couple of things that stood
A couple of things that stood out to me when I went back and read this.
she said she is tired of financially supporting him.. I mean.. how/why? she isn't working..is she burning through her savings.. some inheritance to prop him up.. help save him from his "failing business".
and then the ages of his kid are actually more striking when you pointed it out.
His younger child is 3.. that means the kid was born very close around the time that OP and her DH met... I would def want to understand why it wasn't a red flag for a guy to be dipping out on a freshly minted baby.. did he not want it.. was it a "save the relationship baby".. what was his excuse for not sticking around? or maybe his EX cheated on him? and wanted the divorce? or maybe mr. "failing business" is not the businessman he claims.. maybe he has other issues gambling.. substance abuse or something that is keeping him from being successful.. using up his resources.
I'm not saying that his "wish" for wanting his kids to be with him and his new wife are totally red flags.. and the wishing she was dead.. yeah.. there could be animosity there.. but even my DH said he would stop short of wishing his EX dead.. because it would hurt his girls.
but.. meet in 2020.. and by 2023.. you have one and a start on another baby with him? he has you at home without many resources and is apparently burning through the resources you do have. He may well not have money to put his kids in daycare.. and he should be seeing his kids (where is his family btw?).. but i get the logistics don't seem well planned out for OP.
But.. this is a situation where she very quickly needs to asses her risks.. stop him from bleeding off any financial resources she may need if she does have to leave.
Okay let me clarify. i do
Okay let me clarify.
i do work, i am a per diem nurse and make enough to cover my own personal expenses, mortgage, sons expenses. He has been struggling with his business since we got married. And he went ahead and purchased a second home under his name, which was a terrible financial decision. It's left us in the hole.
i also have savings, good credit... I purchased the home we are living in when I was still working full time. I constantly lend him thousands of dollars on credit cards, I'm currently $9000 in debt because he's needed help.
timeline: when we got married, kids were 3 and 5, now they are 6 and 8.
And yes. That's literally
And yes. That's literally what happened. What's helpful is that I make as much as I did when I was working full time, I have a very flexible job out of state that pays me well and I only work 3-4 days a month. I'm a nurse and so it helps to have a back up plan. I'm sure I'd be okay without him. Especially with all the remote RN positions.
and that's what happened. It changed when we got married, and sooo much more when I needed more supprt as a new mom. I started setting boundaries, which he didn't like.
Leave his ass before he puts
Leave his ass before he puts you in the hole even more and you have to pay him alimony.
Yikes. The alimony thing is
Yikes. The alimony thing is terrifying lol
A few comments and questions
"He always told his ex I was going to stay home with them"
And it never occurred to him to actually talk to you about this first? Not to ask for permission but to discuss how best to deal with this. This is something that affects you in a big way and the very least he could have done was discuss it with you before sealing the deal with his ex.
"his arguments is that I should love the kids as my own"
Even if you did love his kids as your own, that doesn't help you with your exhaustion, does it? And you have no support network ... when is the baby due, by the way?
"I'm exhausted of financially supporting him"
I'm going to need a bit more information here, OP. In what way and how are you financially supporting him? If his business is going under despite him working 13-14 hour days, is it wise to throw money into a bottomless pit? Would you out-earn him if you were to go back to your former career?
"he then told me he was hoping I'd change and so he still went ahead and married me"
That is so effin' insulting that I am lost for words. You weren't up to his expectations but he thought he could lick you into shape? He doesn't know how lucky he is!
This may be none of my business but ... what brought about the demise of his first marriage? Who filed for divorce? And why did BM move so far away?
I would say that the
I would say that the expectations were 360 unrealistic.
She knew she was getting overwhelmed with his kids.. she knew she he was expecting more.. and she married him... "hoping things would change" perhaps?
Under the circumstances.. they both ignored reality and forged ahead with the relationship and having more kids when the ones that already were here.. were not situated well.
Hi, sorry for the confusion,
Hi, sorry for the confusion, I call myself a stay at home mom but still work as a per diem nurse. Money isn't an issue, I make enough to support myself, our son and our whole mortgage. It's hard for me to work this way, since it's a job that requires me to travel out of state and work 3-4 days, but I'm proud to still work. I also lend him credit cards, which has amounted to $9000.
But to answer your question,
But to answer your question, I out earned him by double last year. I was a travel nurse. And now I'm a per diem travel nurse. So I don't quite out earn him, but I do enough for where I'm at. Not to mention I could go back to work if I wanted to. Of course then I'd have to put my son in daycare or something, and I'm having a baby in October. AND he insisted I let him take care of me.
He just gets so offended when I say I like his kids, in there for his kids, but I need a break from them. Im sure all moms and dads can understand me to some degree. There are times when your kids drive you crazzzyyy, but there is some sort of parent tolerance becuase you have raised them since newborns.. and well, I just love my son more than anything in the world. He's my baby. His kids exhaust me.
his first wife cheated on him continuously, he filed. But the funny thing is that now I'm starting to wonder what my role was in this marriage.
Wowza
Your DH needed a new momsie for the skids.
You arent fitting the narrative he has for you.
He doesnt respect you or your exhaustion.
He cannot empathize past his own experience, that all of the kids/skids are to be loved by you in the same way.
Hun he doesnt fit your expectations. A supportive DH who listens when his wife tells him what you need.
Unless you can come to a sustainable agreement your life with DH will be filled with exhaustion and resentment.
You cannot get reason across when dealing with someone unreasonable with expectations you can never reach. He is guilting you making it like YOU failed him and didnt turn into the nanny maid wife he wanted. BTW its totally unreasonable as to what he expects.
Blessings this can be figured out.
I find myself wondering
I find myself wondering whether he was an involved parent before because it seems he doesn't feel the need to spend time with them and considers that his new wife will be a perfect substitute for his presence. He also doesn't seem to have a clue about how tiring little ones can be, not how exhausted the mother can be when there's a newborn ... despite him having been around for three newborns to date.
He wants to be in control of
He wants to be in control of them by controlling how OP takes care of them, but not actually spend time with them.
I do try to see the balance
I do try to see the balance of these situations.. and it's not necessarily that he is doing "nothing".. he is out working very long hours.. though who exactly is doing the financial support is confusing because OP said she is tired of it.. but she isn't working.. he is working long hours.. but business was failing.. so is he making money now? not clear to me really.
And.. just because he works.. doesn't mean that he hasn't and won't spend any time with his kids... he apparently was spending time with them the 3 days a week he used to have custody.. at least after working hours I would guess.
And.. maybe that was his plan.. spend nights and weekends with his kids..but that still remains that they need caregiving while he is at work.. and OP sounds like she is overwhelmed with the prospect of caring for 3 kids.. and it def sounds like there should be some level of plan to at minimum give her some support/breaks if this plan moves forward.
Is there some vacation bible school camp the kids could attend? a YMCA program? what other options are there? possibility of getting a PT sitter/nanny to help out.. or maybe support in other areas like a housekeeper and grocery delivery service etc.. so that OP can be spread less thinly.
Ultimately.. they need to figure this out. and some amount of compromise is likely going to need to occur for both of them.
She is in fact working (see above for her clarifications)
Op is working and fully supporting him and their children together financially - he is paying for HIS business and HIS rental.
Yep.. you can see below where
Yep.. you can see below where I responded with all that in mind!
That's what I'm starting to
That's what I'm starting to see. That's what my mom tells me.. that he married me to be a mom to his kids, and that things didn't go how he planned so now he's throwing a fit.
It's very discouraging, pregnacy, having babies and raising small children isn't easy. I'm doing as much as I can for myself, my baby, and my upcoming baby.
and then he tells me he yells, insults me and says the says that he says because he's REACTING to how I act.
Maybe im terrible, I've had my fair share of mental breakdowns, but it's becuase im SO frustrated, i just blow up.
so the dude doing nothing is
so the dude doing nothing is telling you how you "should" feel, think, do.
I have no advice but I kind of wish I could kick him in the man marbles for you, just to try to wake him up to see the reality of your situation..
He married you wishing you
He married you wishing you would change. That's a horrible reason to get married in the first place. He needs a vasectomy yesterday! He has no businesss making kids and not parenting them. He is not a part of the male gender group who is evolved much, still locked into traditional gender thinking. It's a slap in the face when you realize you messed up this bad choosing your spouse, I get it. Go online and find the child support calculator for your state. See if you find some actual numbers for you situation. Child care costs too. Maybe even talk to a lawyer or two and see what you can walk away with. You need some solid facts to work with.
I believe this is a two way
I believe this is a two way street.. she was happy to take on the SAHM role.. until she realized it came with the responsibility of caring for his kids too while he was out working. So.. she bought into that traditional role.. until it didn't benefit her enough in the balance.
She also married him knowing that the situation wasn't good for her.. had a child knowing she was overwhelmed by his other kids.. and even now is having a 2nd.. these are not decisions they both made without having some knowledge of how things "are".
She does need to look at her relationship and see whether the juice is worth the squeeze.. to reconsider her agreement to be a SAHM if it means that his kids will be her daytime responsiblity when they visit. or look at other options for activities that will get them out of the house at least some (though.. she will have to do the transport I am assuming due to his schedule).
It sounds like two people went into things with knowledge that things weren't perfect.. each hoped things would "improve".. they haven't.. and won't without work by both of them. they both bought into the gender role thing to an extent.. but when you have stepkids.. it gets complicated.
I've been updating all posts
I've been updating all posts haha. But let me clarify, I misled everyone by saying I was a stay at home mom. But I do work. It's only 4 days a month at an out of state job as a nurse, I make enough to pay for my expenses, my mortgage, and childcare when I DO work, my mom watches him but I still pay her.
i even offered to pay for one of the kids daycare. His argument was just that he wanted to spend as much time with them as he could and daycare would get in the way.
and I've never really had a major issue with the kids, I've aleya been semi involved, family vacations, cook for them, have bathed them and gotten ready for bed. School drop off and pick ups, I didn't have a baby and feeling tired from pregnancy. But still... I've tried. He literally just wishes I was the BM For them
daycare and camps won't get
daycare and camps won't get in the way.. he can drive them to or from (depending on schedule).. the alternative is.. can he or will he take vacation.
Your explanations and the fact that you ARE working and actually supporting him... yeah.. it's very one sided.
He bought a whole entire HOUSE without your input or approval.. and now he is in the hole.. you both are? sheesh.
I am assuming the rent is not covering the full cost of that house. Have you considered selling? telling him he needs to sell it?
Does his business really have any viable future? or does he need to "grow up: and get a job:" ?
You do need to stop lending him money.. and make him figure it out.. because you may end up on your own.. you don't need his debt on top ofyou.. and he won't have any motivation to repay you.
It sounds like you have some soul searching to do...it's not a great situation.. but at least you have the skills to support yourself if necessary.
My take on things...
SO, you have a lot going on there. Your husband is using you as a wife appliance, and this was probably his plans all along. You warm the bed, have the babies, take care of the home and ***BONUS*** you are financially supporting him and his business and NOW he is gearing up to have you nanny his children from previous relationship! Does he have Golden Member?
I say this with all Caring in my heart (Clove is my handle after all...)
1. STOP allowing him to gaslight you with "you must love my children like they are yours, they are ALL OUR children". You didnt make them, they have 2 parents and you are not one of them. HE is the parent of ALL of them. Thats a bunch of hooey anyways. You MIGHT love the steps but you love them in YOUR way.
2. STOP giving him money. His business either suceeds or fails. Or he makes you a full partner with decision-making powers.
3. Get thee to a lawyer! See below:
4. Time to figure things out Asset-wise because being married and all that you need to figure out your liabilties and what you have as far as choices and options.
5. See what your options are if you decide that you need to separate. Get those ducks out of the closet and all lined up. Dont mention it to him. Discuss custody and how you can get full if you need to...etc. You might owe him alimony because his on the books earnings are less, so look into that.
6. See if the house is sellable at all, so he can pay you back, and have money to contibute financially to the household. Get your number ducks lined up. He needs to contribute. If he wants a nanny, er, SAHM for his kids with someone else, he will be paying for that.
7. You must be exhausted. And with all you have going on, I think you are in a vulnerable state of mind. Take some time (yeah right!) mentally to really THINK if this is the right person for you. You were obviously the right person for HIM.
((hugs)) keep us posted!
Ugh thank you !! This was all
Ugh thank you !! This was all really good advice... it's very confusing when you know this in your heart, but you get told otherwise. Him making me feel like im just a terrible person.
Thank you all that got
Thank you all that got involved in this post!!! It was so helpful to read insight. I guess I just needed to write about it, and get unbiased opinion from people who don't know me. I have A LOT of thinking to do, lots and lots of changes to make and boundaries to establish.
and if nothing else works, I must walk away.
I'll keep updated
Don't forget that just like
Don't forget that just like we didn't first understand the finance stuff.. we also don't live your life on a day to day basis.. so it's easy for us to sit here and say "dump the fool".. etc.. but only you know how your life really is with him full measure.. not just when dealing with these issues.
Is there any way you could get him to counseling.. so that you might be able to have someone help you get your point across to him without him becoming defensive.
Because I think when he hears your reluctance to keep his kids with you for 3 months he hears "I hate your kids".
When the reality is that you are probably ok with helping him care for his kids "some".. you probably don't hate them (though his behavior makes you resent them).. you are working and are making significant financial contributions.. and needing to understand there will be support to help with his kids while you are pregnant and caring for a baby is NOT asking too much.
He needs to hear clearly that HE is their father and HE is who they are coming to visit with primarily. Sure, they will have some interraction with you and the baby.. but they are coming to see their daddy and it is HIS responsibility to make himself as available as possible during this time. And, he needs to hear that kids get bored and will probably actually enjoy it if they are able to get out to some camps.. daycare and activities that will let them meet other kids.. and not just be stuck at home with a lady and baby who need to nap. Since he is working, them attending these things doesn't impact his ability to spend time with them.. if he wants to stay home with them.. of course, they can miss a day of camp or get picked up early from daycare. That you need to do this at least SOME of the time while they are there for 3 months. You may not have been given a choice in whether they came.. but you do get to weigh in on how much you are going to be asked to step up.
And.. yes.. when you are married and a partner.. you help each other with their responsibilities.. his kids are his responsibility.. and you don't mind helping.. but you don't plan on taking over his role. His kids have two parents and he may not love his EX.. but he needs to accept the situation for what it is... and it's not your fault his kids moved.. and that you are willing to work with him to make things work.. but he has to also meet your concerns as well.. and if that means you are not up for acting as their full time caregiver for 3 months.. that you are pregnant and have a baby.. and a job.. and they aren't here to see you anyway? And.. what you are suggesting is probably more fun and better for his kids anyway. You 100% understood and accept that he has kids.. and support him being a father to them.. but you did not agree to be a mother to them necessarily.. at least not full time.
I 100% agree with all of this
I 100% agree with all of this. I enrolled us in counseling, but it was short lived. I don't think it helped us as a couple, but it helped me tremendously by helping me stop feeling guilty for how I was feeling.
That's exactly how he feels. He thinks I hate his kids, when I really don't. But it did make me laugh how you said that the kids are stuck in a house with a baby and a lady that need to nap... hahah becuase it's so true.
i full heartedly understand he has kids... but it's the expectation to be like this nuclear family. It's unrealistic to me at the moment when I'm going through a lot mentally, physically and emotionally having my own babies. Idk why I feel like we'll get that opportunity soon.. but for now like, come on... let me just be a tired mom of infants. And for this short time, step up and be my husband and a father to these babies.
I was thinking this too
But there are deeper issues here than what the kids will do instead of visiting daddy-cakes
If this was purely about the
If this was purely about the summer visitation, nothing else involved, I might suggest a compromise.... BUT, the more I read, the more I realized you have a major issue with your partner. He is abusive, provides no value to you or your child's life, if anything is a succubus. Move on. You know this is what needs to be done. You are intelligent.
He's a narcissist. Run.
He's a narcissist. Run.
I second the suggestion to
I second the suggestion to consult a lawyer and to lay it all out to see what your options are and what you can expect. Your DH is facing a situation where he will have 4 children living away from him ...
Sounds like you'll be nearly due by the time his kids leave. Does he SERIOUSLY think you'll be up to handling three kids at that point? What will he do if your doc puts you on bed rest? Tell you that his kids are good kids and that they don't need looking after? I'd love to know what he's spending his money on ... Are yoiu sure he's at work all the time he says he is?
Leave. Sounds like you would
Leave. Sounds like you would do better without him! You make enough money on your own. You are already the primary caretaker. Giving him money for his business and also him dragging his kids into it are additional responsibilities you DON'T need. Focus on your kids and ditch this guy.
Also, what is the point for SKs coming in the summer for 3 months if DH STILL isn't going to see he kids because of work? He needs to do everyone a favor and let the kids stay with BM.