"his arguments is that I should love the kids as my own. And that they are the same as our son."

Um, to HIM they are the same as your son. He is being selfish by expecting you to have the same feelings for his kids as you do. Adding 2 other children full-time at home when you have a baby and are pregnant is a huge increase in your workload. You have never lived with these kids full-time. I think you should try marriage counseling, since you have kids with him. But - he is delusional and borderline narcissistic by considering you to be sort of an extension of himself when it comes to dealing with his kids. His other kids are individuals who don't know you very well, either. He probably expects that they will love you like a mommy because you are married to him, the center of his own universe. The delusion is strong!

not with this guy. He has told you that you are a mistake. He never wanted you, or your babies, he wanted a mommy for his failed family spawn.

So... leave him to them.

Do not waste your life on him, and do not expose your own children to his failed parenting any more than absolutely necessary.

It sounds like  his expectation was that if you were going to be a stay at home parent.. and that he would fully financially support you all.. that would mean you would care for his kids when he had custody time.  Honestly? it's a reasonable thing to expect that since paying for childcare for the kids might not be financially comfortable if he doesn't have another person contributing financially to the household.

He probably also feels like "how hard can it be".. being a guy he probably doesn't have the full understanding of how you  might be managing with being pregnant and caring for a baby.. and to then have two more kids.. it could be "a lot".

So.. do you think you might find that going back to work would put yourself in a stronger position to expect him to have his kids in daycare?

In the end.. I don't think it's unusual for a guy who appears to have more traditional gender role mentality (he works.. woman is the homeaker).. to think that you would fully take on that role with his other kids as well.  The problem is that you didn't have a full meeting of the minds when you decided that you would be the SAHM and he would be "the provider" in the home.

I disagree with the theory that a guy working long hours has excess to put two kids into camps and daycare.... life's expensive.. and he may not have extra money.. or spending that may require OP to manage with less resources for herself and her baby.  sometimes you can't have it all.. and this is a test of their relationship.. they will need to navigate their difference in positions..

I'm not saying he is right.. or that she is right.. there are a variety of ways this could work out.  I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want his kids over the summer.. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a balance where she does childcare while he earns the money.  But.. I also don't think it's unreasonable for OP to feel overwhelmed and blindsided by an agreement she didn't realize she may have made.  Those kids may not be "her responsiblility".. but then again.. he is covering her financial responsibility for hers and her share of their child's financial support.. so there is def room to have some discussion here.

Unilateral decision between bioDAD and the BM EVEN THOUGH it effects SM.  100% responsibility and 0% authority for SM.

Ask him if he wants to pay CS for two more children. 

I can honestly see where he is coming from. You are being afforded the opportunity to be a SAHM, which means he probably can't afford camp or daycare for his kids for this summer. It would be different if you were working but this is one of those trade off situations.

BM moved and now you have a long-distance parenting schedule. That means summers, spring break and 1 week of winter break most likely. That isn't a lot of time. The kids always feel like outsiders and the bonding feels super forced. This isn't easy and I get that, believe me! My kids dad has moved away and closer and away and closer throughout the years and I have seen it from them. I also had that schedule with my SS when he used to visit. 

At the end of the day, divorcing means going back to work. You are BM2 and have kid 3/4- which means little child support. The first kids get the bulk. If going back to work means that you have the funds to send his kids to summer camp... Going back to work seems like a better answer than divorcing and ending your kids stable home, from the outside looking in at least. Your complaints seem to just be that he wants the blended family dream, that rarely happens. Not that he is a bad husband, doesn't care for you, doesn't love you, abuses you, tears you down, etc. He just wants you to love his kids. While that may or may not be possible, you aren't in that place right now being a new mom and pregnant. 

This feels like a very salvageable relationship. Don't give up hope yet OP! Talk to him. Look at finances together to fully understand. Maybe there is a happy medium where they can go to a couple of 1 week camps through local parks and rec to give you a break but financially be possible? Spend some time looking up possibilities to help both of you make this summer a good one for everyone!

Reading this, all I see is a selfish boy who doesn't actually know what marriage and partnership mean, much less parenting.

He didn't want a partner to grow with. He wanted someone who he could slip into the mother/wife spot that was missing in his life when he and his ex split. The fact that he wishes she were dead just proves that point. Her being around breaks his fantasy of wife, kids, picket fence, etc. The fact that you two had a quick relationship into marriage and kids also supports his "fill a slot" mentality. If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman - any woman.

This isn't the first time a situation like this has popped up on here. You need to be careful that this doesn't turn from toxicity to abuse. He has a 3 and 5 year old. His major relationships with kids don't seem to last long. Tell me, why did he and the ex split? What story did he spin to you, and does that story align with knowing he wishes her dead for his own selfish reasons?

You're being used to fulfil his fantasies. My guess is his behavior changed after you all got married, and then even more so after you had your son. My guess is that is when he started working more and being upset when you pushed back against him making unilateral decisions for the family, like you being unable to work because his failing business (is it actually failing or is that what he tells you to make you think you can't afford daycare and for you to work so you're stuck depending on him?). 

I need you to internalize this next piece: if you divorce, it isn't because you didn't try hard enough. It's because he wanted, at best, a selfish version of his life only or, at worst, he's an abusive prick that was looking to keep you as his slave. You aren't a bad stepmother. You aren't a bad mother. You aren't a bad wife. HE is the problem. And you need to really, truly, deeply consider if you want to raise your kids in the same home as a man who treats you like an appliance and hired help.

"He always told his ex I was going to stay home with them"

And it never occurred to him to actually talk to you about this first? Not to ask for permission but to discuss how best to deal with this. This is something that affects you in a big way and the very least he could have done was discuss it with you before sealing the deal with his ex.

"his arguments is that I should love the kids as my own"

Even if you did love his kids as your own, that doesn't help you with your exhaustion, does it? And you have no support network ... when is the baby due, by the way?

"I'm exhausted of financially supporting him"

I'm going to need a bit more information here, OP. In what way and how are you financially supporting him? If his business is going under despite him working 13-14 hour days, is it wise to throw money into a bottomless pit? Would you out-earn him if you were to go back to your former career?

"he then told me he was hoping I'd change and so he still went ahead and married me"

That is so effin' insulting that I am lost for words. You weren't up to his expectations but he thought he could lick you into shape? He doesn't know how lucky he is! 

This may be none of my business but ... what brought about the demise of his first marriage? Who filed for divorce? And why did BM move so far away?

Your DH needed a new momsie for the skids.

You arent fitting the narrative he has for you.

He doesnt respect you or your exhaustion.

He cannot empathize past his own experience, that all of the kids/skids are to be loved by you in the same way.

Hun he doesnt fit your expectations. A supportive DH who listens when his wife tells him what you need. 

Unless you can come to a sustainable agreement your life with DH will be filled with exhaustion and resentment.

You cannot get reason across when dealing with someone unreasonable with expectations you can never reach. He is guilting you making it like YOU failed him and didnt turn into the nanny maid wife he wanted. BTW its totally unreasonable as to what he expects.

Blessings this can be figured out.

so the dude doing nothing is telling you how you "should" feel, think, do. 

I have no advice but I kind of wish I could kick him in the man marbles for you, just to try to wake him up to see the reality of your situation.. 

He married you wishing you would change.  That's a horrible reason to get married in the first place.   He needs a vasectomy yesterday!   He has no businesss making kids and not parenting them.   He is not a part of the male gender group who is evolved much, still locked into traditional gender thinking.   It's a slap in the face when you realize you messed up this bad choosing your spouse, I get it.  Go online and find the child support calculator for your state.  See if you find some actual numbers for you situation.  Child care costs too.  Maybe even talk to a lawyer or two and see what you can walk away with.  You need some solid facts to work with.  

SO, you have a lot going on there. Your husband is using you as a wife appliance, and this was probably his plans all along. You warm the bed, have the babies, take care of the home and ***BONUS*** you are financially supporting him and his business and NOW he is gearing up to have you nanny his children from previous relationship! Does he have Golden Member?

I say this with all Caring in my heart (Clove is my handle after all...)

1. STOP allowing him to gaslight you with "you must love my children like they are yours, they are ALL OUR children". You didnt make them, they have 2 parents and you are not one of them. HE is the parent of ALL of them. Thats a bunch of hooey anyways. You MIGHT love the steps but you love them in YOUR way.

2. STOP giving him money. His business either suceeds or fails. Or he makes you a full partner with decision-making powers.

3. Get thee to a lawyer! See below:

4. Time to figure things out Asset-wise because being married and all that you need to figure out your liabilties and what you have as far as choices and options.

5. See what your options are if you decide that you need to separate. Get those ducks out of the closet and all lined up. Dont mention it to him. Discuss custody and how you can get full if you need to...etc. You might owe him alimony because his on the books earnings are less, so look into that.

6. See if the house is sellable at all, so he can pay you back, and have money to contibute financially to the household. Get your number ducks lined up. He needs to contribute. If he wants a nanny, er, SAHM for his kids with someone else, he will be paying for that. 

7. You must be exhausted. And with all you have going on, I think you are in a vulnerable state of mind. Take some time (yeah right!) mentally to really THINK if this is the right person for you. You were obviously the right person for HIM.

((hugs)) keep us posted!

If this was purely about the summer visitation, nothing else involved, I might suggest a compromise.... BUT, the more I read, the more I realized you have a major issue with your partner. He is abusive, provides no value to you or your child's life, if anything is a succubus. Move on. You know this is what needs to be done. You are intelligent.

He's a narcissist. Run.

I second  the suggestion to consult a lawyer and to lay it all out to see what your options are and what you can expect. Your DH is facing a situation where he will have 4 children living away from him ...

Sounds like you'll be nearly due by the time his kids leave. Does he SERIOUSLY think you'll be up to handling three kids at that point? What will he do if your doc puts you on bed rest? Tell you that his kids are good kids and that they don't need looking after? I'd love to know what he's spending his money on ... Are yoiu sure he's at work all the time he says he is?

Leave. Sounds like you would do better without him! You make enough money on your own. You are already the primary caretaker. Giving him money for his business and also him dragging his kids into it are additional responsibilities you DON'T need. Focus on your kids and ditch this guy. 

Also, what is the point for SKs coming in the summer for 3 months if DH STILL isn't going to see he kids because of work? He needs to do everyone a favor and let the kids stay with BM.