My boyfriends son is ruining our relationship because I know he has ADHD but the dad doesn't want to see it
OK, this is my first time doing something like this and I just didn't know who to talk too so I figured I would give this a try and see if maybe it's just me that was looking too much into this so here it goes....
I am a divorced mother of 2 teenagers. My son just graduated high school and my daughter is a sophomore in high school. I didn't have a very good marriage. I was abused a lot, my son was also abused by his father however, my daughter was always spared. I raised my kids to be tough, kind, helpful, respectful and all the good things in between. When my ex and I got divorced I did feel a sense of freedom and I spoiled my kids because I felt as though they deserved it for the life we had just left. Once I started to notice that by me spoiling them was turning them into ungrateful kids I immediatly stopped and told them that I just couldn't afford it anymore and that I wasn't doing them any good.
However...... I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and he too comes from an abusive marriage (he was on the other end of not the one doing it). His kids are younger than mine. One is 11 and the other is 7 however, how he handles his sons bad behaviour is.... well lets just say he doesn't handle it at all. He buys him whatever he wants, takes them on lavish trips and never EVER has them lift a finger in the house. His son has extreme ADHD (I would know as my son also has it) however, when I try and talk to him about the way he does things he tells me "I will never stop spoiling me kids" or "my son is only 7 all boys his age can't sit still" but it's not just that he can't sit still. He interupts adults when they are in the middle of a conversation, he can't sit on the couch without moving the entire time, he doesn't sit at the dinner table (even if we are out to eat) he is always ALWAYS needing to be on the move or the center of attention. When I try and talk to him about the things that I have seen with my own son and his ADHD he brushes me off and says "he's fine, he doesn't need a dr and I will never have him on medication". We have quite a few friends that also have boys his age and none of them act like that.
This kid has had to repeat Kindergarten 2 times already because of the focusing issue. When we are trying to lay down and watch a movie he has to crawl all over my boyfriend and I just get so irriated that I have to walk away and go to another room just to have some quiet time to myself. His daughter however, she was not the best in the beginning but she is growing up into an amazing young girl but thats because he did take some of my advice when it comes to raising a girl as I have been there done that with both genders..... Can someone please help and give me some advice..... I don't know how much longer I can handle this if he chooses to just look the other way when his son is acting like this. He doesn't teach him proper hygiene... again he goes back to "he's a boy". He never seems to care what his son looks like when we go somewhere, his son will have clothes too small for him, or his clothes don't match and for someone like me I always want my kids to look better than me when we go anywhere because they are a reflection of me and I don't ever want people thinking that I don't take care of them but he is not that way with his son. He doesn't know how to tie his shoes, he doesn't know how to ride a bike without training wheels and he doesn't know how to have manners when we are in public. I get so embarassed sometimes when we are out to eat that I have lately just been telling him that he needs to go alone and spend some time with the kids just so I don't have to be there with his son.
PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. I know this will open me up and some people will read this and think I am a monster but I am really just a mom and a damn good one who is just trying to figure out a way to make her boyfriend see what I am seeing as I have lived it with my son and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Thanks all!
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When I try and talk to him
When I try and talk to him about the things that I have seen with my own son and his ADHD he brushes me off
So, it's really your BF and his bad parenting that is ruining your relationship. He is doing his son a great disservice, as well as your relationship.
You are not a monster, but your SO is a terrible parent.
You are not a monster, but your SO is a terrible parent. What kind of a parent has a child who has repeated kindergarten twice and doesn't try and figure out what is wrong? I would find it impossible to stay with someone who is basically neglecting his child on every level. And your SO's son is not ruining your relationship - that is all on your SO.
It's possible that your SS
It's possible that your SS doesn't have ADHD. For years I was convinced that my SS31 had it because he was exactly how you described your SS. After my DH finally took my SS to the doctor and asked about ADHD the doctor was quite honest with DH and told him it's behavioural and that SS does not actually have ADHD. The doctor said that she could hear SS' voice booming from three doors away and that she had noticed that DH never reined him in. It's all behavioural. And what do you know? DH still did jackshit about it.
What you describe is the effects of a Disneyland dad. When a child is delayed such as still unable to tie his own shoes, ride a bike without training wheels, can't choose clothing or dress themselves and are not directed to have proper hygeine, those are all signs of a Disney parented child. It is your SO who is failing his child. Disneyland Dad Syndrome is very difficult to change because these types of dads don't parent properly out of some kind of guilt or fear. They don't want to rock the boat or Poopsie won't want to come to Dad's house anymore. It was boody hell getting my DH to change. I almost walked after 25 years. Kids who are Disney parented don't meet milestones when their peers do because they are unable to. They don't get friends or keep them or get boyfriends or girlfriends when their peers do so you can't count on that to get your SKs out of the house to give you a break. They also don't launch when their peers do, if ever. You wouldn't believe the stunt I had to pull to stop living with my adult SKs. I had to buy a house and move out. Long story, so I won't get into it, but it was bloody hell.
I am actually shocked that
I am actually shocked that you say the term disneyland dad because I have called him that in the past. He is always trying to make up for the fact that his marriage didn't work to his kids and I tell him all the time spoiling them isn't teaching them anything. I try and give advice on things and tell him that I wish I was able to know the things I know now about raising kids because I would have done some things better, but at the end of the day even coming from an abisive marriage my kids are happy, healthy and have good morals. They know the difference between right and wrong and thats because I showed them.
His ex wife is in their lives and has them every other week (which is when I can breathe a bit). She sees what I see with their son but says he doesn't do that much when she has him and it's because I know for a fact that she holds them accountable. Without someone guiding this kids he is going to be so bullied and so far behind. One of the reasons he had to repeat the first time is because they moved from out of state and they wanted him to repeat since the school district wasn't that great but having to repeat again I was shocked! Sure my 17 year old struggled a bit in school but I had him on medication, he saw the school therapist 2 times a week and ended up graduating 3 months early.
Its so hard to ever relax when his son is around...... I knew going into the relationship that it would be hard having kids so far apart in age but I NEVER thought it woud be this hard.....
ADHD or not, if your husband
ADHD or not, if your husband lets him just do whatever he wants, his behavior will be bad. Tell your DH "If it's not a disorder, then he's this way because of your lack of parenting. So which is it?"
(Spoiler alert - it's probably both!)
The Skid is not ruining the relationship. Your BF is ruining it.
"My boyfriends son is ruining our relationship because I know he has ADHD but the dad doesn't want to. see it."
This clearly identifies that your BF is to blame and is both the one ruining your relationship, and the one damaging his special needs child.
So many SParents blame the Skid, blame their partner's X, etc... Far more often than not, it is the partner that is the problem for any number of reasons.
They tolerate an X to be toxic and invade their life and new relationship.
They tolerate their toxic failed family spawn to be rude, disrespectful, etc..
They expect their new mate to step in and fix their crap parenting and failed relationship baggage.
Etc.....
You stated that your BF refuses to deal with his on his special needs child. That is not on the child. That is entirely on dady.
Please re-read your above original post and then answer the question of why you would want to be in this relationship.
Answer that quesiton for yourself, and for your own children.
Take care of you and take care of your kids.
Wow, your BF is a terrible
Wow, your BF is a terrible parent. He is doing his son a huge disservice. He's 7 years old, still repeating kindergarten and his father is not doing something about it???? It's hard to believe the school hasn't come to DH looking for help/cooperation. I don't know of anyone who has had to repeat kindy twice, and in our schools they're all over it if a child gets in a position to have to repeat once. If the school is noticing what you notice, on top of his multiple failures to progress, I'm surprised they haven't tested him.
Regardless, it sounds like your BF isn't willing to change his parenting. You've discussed it with him and gotten nowhere. You can't force him to change; all you can do is make your decisions based on that. Are you willing to live like this? I wouldn't be. Putting aside the annoyance this kid can be and the embarrassment you suffer when out in public with him, I could not sit by and watch a child living under my roof be neglected like your BF is doing. I couldn't respect a man like that, and I couldn't remain in a relationship with a man I couldn't respect. Your threshold might be different, or you may think there's hope that your BF will change. Where is the BM in all of this?
"He's just a kid" "You worry
"He's just a kid" "You worry too much" "You are too authortarian" "They will grow out of it" "You're the adult" ad infinitum....
Here's the thing: you cannot care more than the parent/s. You cannot change things if your partner/spouse doesn't want to. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to help.
I have one SD19 who has SED (selective eating disorder/sensory disorder) and one who is likely, SD17, boarderline autistic. I've been with DH for just about 10 years and pointed out these things a lot. But nothing ever happened, no changes occured. I just disengaged. Saved myself and our marriage I am sure.
The actual title of your post
The actual title of your post. "my BF is ruining our relationship by failing to parent his kid" The kid is 7.. whether he actually has a diagnosable condition or not.. the fact is that people generally don't raise themselves.. they need to be taught.
I would ask him things in a way that put it back on HIM .. and not a judgement of his kid.
like..
Honey, I know he is just a kid.. but you have to teach him how to take a bath and that he needs to change his clothes regularly.. especially his underwear.. do you want him to be the unpopular stinky kid at school?
Honey... I know kids have a lot of energy.. but if we don't help them figure out how to harness that energy.. they will have a hard time being successful in school.. in life..
As for whether he truly has a diagnosable issue that might improve with therapy or meds.. hasn't he been interested enough in his kid's education to try to understand WHY his child failed a grade so early in life? The school/teacher should have been able to give insight.. suggest counseling or suggest that he be evaluated. And.. how involved is your BF in his son's schooling? Kids do well when parents work on their education.. read to them... help them with learning numbers.. alphabets etc.. he can't just think it's the school's job. Successful kids have parents that are participating in their education.. work with their kids. Not every interraction needs to be educational.. but your BF should be spending at least some quality time like that with his son.
If he isn't? well.. your BF may be lazy.. ignorant.. or may have his own mental health issues that make him behave as a poor parent.. and poor partner. The thing is that as a GF.. you can choose to leave.. his poor kid is stuck with a father that is setting him up to fail.
Again.. loudly and clearly.. your BF is the problem.. his kid is just a product of his parenting.
PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME
PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.
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Hi and welcome to ST.
My advise, is run. Your kids are grown. His kids are little. You have 11 more years of this, PLUS a lot longer if skids are unable to self support or refuse to stand on their own two feet. BM can go into court and have ss unable to care for himself, so here comes adult child support, then what? So many people are unaware of that....
You have a path ahead and out of this mess..........take it.
JMO of course.
"I will never stop spoiling
Sounds like he's made a conscious choice to be a bad parent. Run.