Women with good men and fathers (who are just clueless)...
Good afternoon!
My misery needs company. I am so tired of the bashing of good women who want to be supportive of their partners, only to receive backlash of "doing too much." That is where I am at - wanting so badly to be supportive and helpful and yet wanting my partner to do this stuff on his own! My BF is a good man. I've been with him two years. He is recovering from a terribly abusive ex wife and has a D(12), who has serious mental health issues (mostly caused by the abusive ex). The ex has taken him back to court for full custody (made all kinds of ridiculously false claims) and has since ramped up her toxic behavior - it is the stuff of nightmares.
Last court date was the 18th - I'll spare the details, because this could be a novel if I dove into it all...but he needed to have some clarification from the GAL and his attorney about what happens in the EX interferes with his parenting time (again). There is also all kinds of follow-up to do with orthodontist appointments, and phycologists, and getting a phone set up for his kiddo. He gets overwhelmed so easily and just does nothing. I asked him to reach out to the GAL last week so we could have some clarification - he is supposed to see his daughter on Saturday....and has yet to reach out to the GAL. The GAL has ordered psych evals on the whole family - and just found out it could take nine months to get those reports back, so he is spiraling into his old coping mechanisms for sure - complete shut down. He also hyper-focuses on weird stuff that seems irrelevant to his current situation.
I know if I say nothing, he is going to let something go that is going to hurt his case and/or his relationship with his daughter. He will feel horrible about doing something "wrong" - (I have already seen this many many times with him before) and just shuts down, making things even worse.
I just don't know what to do. I'm not his mother or secretary and should not need to remind him to do these really simple things (follow-up with a Dr his D saw after a mental health crisis, perhaps?!!) - but this man is truly struggles with these things and keeping it all straight. Me not helping feels like I am 100% setting him up for failure. Helping also feels like I am talking to a brick wall. Is "doing too much" really a thing when your partner genuinely needs help with re-learning how to navigate a toxic ex and family court????
You are overfunctioning. You
You are overfunctioning. You cannot care more then the bio-parent does. You will absolutely grow to resent him if you have to take care of everything. Not to mention, how would you find a man you have to play mommy to attractive?
Time for a serious sit down with your SO. If he can't function as an adult, he needs therapy.
Yep
What simifan said...but also... It sounds like he got into a relationship with you before he should have. Yes, being in toxic and/or abusive relationships is hard on a person and you have to heal from that - but he should have done that BEFORE he started dating again. TBH it's pretty selfish that he didn't. Also, he should have had all of the "big stuff" taken care of as far as dealing with court, mediations, GAL, etc. I mean...I guess that stuff can drag on, literally forever, but it sounds like he doesn't have the "basics" all done yet.
I'm sorry, but it's just not fair to put you in the position of "helping him heal" from his last relationship. It's not. Your first years are supposed to be romantic, fun, etc. Sound like you have just been managing all his woes and depressing crap.
Is your partner getting
Is your partner getting counseling? You say he's recovering from a terribly abusive relationship - how is he recovering? Has he sought help from a professional? Ideally, he would not have jumped into a new relationship until he had recovered from his prior one, but that ship has sailed. I would have no problem helping a partner who was helping themselves. Different people have different strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes it makes sense for one person in a relationship to tackle a task while the other tackles a different one. But if your partner is not actively working with a professional on recovering from his prior relationship, improving his executive functioning skills, learning new coping mechanisms and learning how to handle his daughter and her mental health issues, then I would not be so willing to help. He has to at least take the steps to get into a position to solve his own problems. If he's not doing that, then I'd say you *are* overfunctioning and he'll just do less and let you handle everything and you'll grow resentful.
Agree with you all!
All great input from everyone, thank you!
He IS seeing a therapist, which I am happy about...but as to what kind of "work" he is doing with the therapist...I'm not so sure. I know he was seeing her sporadically before I came along but now sees her regularly. I don't really ask what they talk about. I know when he shuts down it is terribly frustrating for me - because I am such a "doer". Maybe that resentment is already creeping in. I am actually seeing a therapist of my own to help ME manage my feelings in all of this....I have recently found myself really caught up in his drama and sometimes dive straight into "rescuer mode" - and you all are right, he will never learn how to manage it on his own if I keep doing it for him.
Thank you all. I really appreciate the feedback!
He needs therapy. He is
He needs therapy. He is recovering from an abusive ex. She is still abusing him thru court. No wonder he can't function. My DH got overwhelmed with it all too. Therapy is so necessary for him. Help him find one. One that knows the cluster B spectrum and divorce with a high conflict ex. Go to Shrink4men.com.
What you can do is sit him down on Sunday nights and make a daily plan for the week for him. Then let it go. If he does it great, if he doesn't, that's on him , not you. Start anew on Sunday night. Hopefully you can find a therapist soon and he can start real healing. My DH benefited so much from therapy. He found a man that had experienced PAS from how own divorce so he really got it.
It's easy to say don't care more but when it's affecting daily life, you can steer the ship for a short while. Just not forever. He will have to step it up. Give yourself a deadline for this relationship. This is a major undertaking and if you aren't up for it, no shame in ending it and moving on.
Waste of time....This man is
Waste of time....This man is complacent in the victim role and plays "damsel in distress"...The reality is that if SD has severe mental health issues and BM is very abusive, he will use you as a shield and you will end up severely damaged
Get out while you still can and before your physical and mental health are lost forever