How to handle this in the future.

So back to a few weeks ago and supposedly this was a "special request" from YSS (38) according to DH the YSS (38) wanted MY brunch and to bring the new woman in his life over to meet us. Eh ok, I'll do it. I'm still a bit peeved at DH though and don't like how a few things shook out at the end of it. I feel like DH sometimes creates a situation where I feel forced to socialize with his kids (introvert here) and I didn't like that aspect, especially since when I host my kids DH usually heads to our bedroom to catch up on dvr tv. Which honestly I don't care because I enjoy the one on one visits with my kids.

So I make my apparently famous brunch, and YSS comes and brings the woman. Things are going ok until after and DH asks a benign question that’s tied to some financial support DH is providing. Brunch over….. YSS pretty much stormed out. (Maybe YSS was embarrassed that the new gf was there when this occurred ?) Both DH and I were literally left with our mouths open and wondering what just happened. I looked at the clock and the whole event of introductions, eating and storm out was less than an hour. I said to DH “I feel a bit disrespected when the prep for this famous brunch took longer than the interaction, let’s not do this again”

So now the world is once again set right between DH and YSS because yss called him and they had a nice chat. I asked “did you ask what prompted the storm out a few weeks ago?” No of course not.

So how do I make it clear, I will not be event planner and executive chef at the next invite? I was thinking something along the lines of “after last time, I think it would be best if you took them out yourself" and leave it at that.

if any of my adult children had reacted or acted this way, two things would have happened. A discussion of "what was that all about?" And an apology to my husband for lashing out and acting that way. Of course I don't really see any of my kids acting this way after coming to our home for a meal so....

Noway2b1's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Honestly.. your husband made

Honestly.. your husband made a social gaff when he brought up some financial support he was providing his son... that kind of discussion is not a topic for a public social event.. sure.. the kid could have been embarassed his dad brought it up.. the girl may not have much knowledge of his entire life at this point.. and he was rightfully angry that his dad took this visit to say anything about it.

Now.. I think your SS could have been more polite to YOU since you spent that time on the meal.. and said.. something like.. "Noway..thank you for putting this all together.. it was great.. but I think we need to leave now."

I can see how your DH bringing that up could have been embarassing to him.. but his handling of it was not great.

I do agree. DH can be a bit ham fisted.

To his credit, DH had been trying to catch up with YSS for months to have this in person conversation. It got to the point that we both felt like there was avoidance, which clearly there was, then out of the blue the self invite with the new partner. DH does lack tact at times, he's the guy you kick under the table that loudly asks WHY DO YOU KEEP KICKING ME!!!? :p

No.. I get it.. and his kid

No.. I get it.. and his kid shouldn't be avoiding his dad when his dad is helping him.. but I also have a DH who I have to give the eye to.. lol. but I think asking to take the boy aside vs saying something infront of the new GF would have been more tactful.. though no guarantee the kid wouldn't have still gotten in a snit.. and honestly.. then.. fine.. you can do without my help if you can't talk with me about it.

The next time he invites SS

The next time he invites SS over, say "That sounds nice, dear. What are you cooking him?" and then find something to do elsewhere (what a great opportunity to catch a movie!) before he arrives. Do not back down. His son, his invitation, his responsibility, right?

True!

That's what I was even stewing about prior to the actual day was "uhmmm my kids don't invite themselves, set the time, menu and tone of our get togethers let alone expect anything from YOU DH so why do I have to be involved?"

Your DH is at fault for this

Your DH is at fault for this fiasco, unfortunately, you did the work for it all.

Next time: "DH, why don't you meet SS at ABC restaurant the two of you?".

Yep! This reaffirms that.

In the words of YSS "I'm just not feeling it DH, you go ahead and make your plans" LOL

I think it would bug me until

I think it would bug me until I said something. I wouldn't be able to just wait until the next time because I'd stew on it and drive myself crazy. I'd be having the convo with DH now, when it's calm and friendly.

"DH, I worked hard on that brunch, and I felt taken advantage of when SS stormed out. I know the issue is between the two of you, but I've not gotten any acknowledgment of my efforts or an apology for his behavior. I don't want to be in that situation again because it's painful. In the future, you'll need to do the cooking or meet him at a restaurant."

Simple boundary. Then you can let it go, until DH tries to cross it. "Just this ONE time." Or "He didn't MEAN it." Or "Let go of the past." Or any of the other dismissive things we hear. That's what you need to be prepared for, and then a simple "no" is sufficient.

You’re right. In the moment I did say.

Let's not do this again. DH is just so afraid of upsetting his darlings that he tolerates behavior that I don't even tolerate in my 20 year old that lives with us. DH has 30 years of conditioning to overcome. He was at their beck and call for so many years as a bachelor. I'm going to use your suggestion on both YSS and OSS since we've had similar issues of me feeling unappreciated and used after interactions with them.

There is hope. I had no idea

There is hope. I had no idea how enmeshed DH was with both his kids, and how much control he'd given them. It was truly upside down world. But my DH finally figured out who he was married to and our life is pretty peaceful now.

But now that he's no longer at their beck and call, they never visit. And DH is no longer able to travel by himself to see them. But even before that he wouldn't go without me, and there came a point when I just wouldn't go. His relationship with them, or lack of, is just not my problem.

So familiar!!

It's been a long road to DH even getting to where he is today with them. I only began disengaging in late 2019. He holds strong then relapses to previous behavior, then resets. I've noticed the cycle, he sets boundaries, they tell him all his failings, he amps up his engagement lather rinse repeat. He's getting stronger in not chasing them like he used to but still lives for a crumb thrown his way. Like you, once I stopped attending anything of theirs it wasn't as appealing to him to go either lol.

Next brunch you

Just sit down and enjoy yourself. Let DH handle it by himself. Either he cooks or gets take out. Not your problem.

Tantrums at 38 over financial

Tantrums at 38 over financial support??? I must be a real witch. I want my SD off the financial gravy train at 25...

It’s a rotating cycle of who is on it.

I swear they draw straws.

Definitely was not the time or the place for

your DH to bring up financial items with SS at the table with his new gf, that should of been handled one on one with SS and DH. Your SS did not handle it maturely however and could of just asked his father to discuss it after brunch privately. I wonder if the GF is still interested after finding out his father still financially supports him in some ways and then SS's immature reaction.

Sucks most for you though because you did all the work and then DH's misstep ruined the event. Definitely have DH cook next time!

Valid points.

Both handled it poorly. Most of DHs kids are all about image so I'm sure that was part of it.

Seriously can you imagine

Seriously can you imagine dating someone who is 30-freaking-8-years-old and is STILL dependent on Daddy??? What is he going to do if Daddy dies (sorry OP- God forbid of course)??? You should have your life together at this point omg.

I agree. He literally.

Got his first real job and place to live 2 years ago!!!!

I don't think it's odd or

I don't think it's odd or wrong to choose a family event like a brunch to introduce the new GF, I think that is pretty standard in most situations, so don't see reason to be annoyed by that.

Your DH was in the wrong to bring that up, either wait till end of event and have a separate conversation or not at all, a text or call later would likely have been the best bet. Don't blame you for not wanting to go through that again though.

Not bothered by the gf thing at all.

It was partly that DH had been trying to get together with his son for months, to have the very conversation that set son off. Yep the timing wasn't great but since the YSS hasn't made the effort to set up anything with his dad prior to introducing her, DH brought up what he has wanted to address for months. In my opinion shame on them both, but now that things are hunky dory between them DH is in a reset and I'm not willing to be put in that position again. I'm just not emotionally invested in it any more and don't need that stress.

To be fair maybe your DH

To be fair maybe your DH saved this poor woman from getting too involved with SS38, I mean shoot if she wasn’t seeing red flags before maybe that hoisted a big one to help her get out of dodge.

As for future brunch dates I would just make a mimosa and ask DH what he’s got planned.

She may not pick up on everything due to.

A language barrier but the enmeshment between YSS and YSD and OSS and OSD should be obvious even considering that. Waaaay to much over sharing and over involvement in all of them in each others lives!

So what was the GF like? Was

So what was the GF like? Was this drama a good thing for her see, maybe save her from SS? ( smirk)

Right? Somebody save that

Right? Somebody save that poor woman!

To shed another context on the gf

English is her second and most recently acquired language so I'm not sure she was even sure of the nuances of the conversation LOL!

It's probably the only thing

It's probably the only thing keeping her around SS tbh. You should draw her a picture of the situation ....

may I suggest DH as a cow with stick-figure-SS drinking dollar signs off the utter? Then in the next frame, stick-figure-SM comes along with a machete and cuts him off at the source. Make sure SS's stick figure has gray hair too.

Hahaha that cracks me up.

I'm hoping I don't see any of them until at least June (fathers day) although that's always iffy so.....

I am on the fence on this one.

I agree and completely understand your frustration on DH ignoring YSS's rude bullshit after you busted your ass to make Brunch to impress his new GF.

However, your DH was a total dick for initiating the support talk in front of a non family member.

That both DH and YSS ignored the bullshit behavior perpetrated by the other is par for that gene pool course. Like father like son. They have a severe case of genetic "The Emporer's New Clothes" apparently. They ignore the obvious to preserve the facade. There is no growth or improvement in that shallow genetic wading pool.