Best part of bio son moving out.
Is the very hard boundary I was able to set and get DH to agree to regarding his kids.
A little back story; See DH has always had an open door policy. Some have needed/taken advantage of that more than others but it was there when I met him and has been his policy for over 20 years. I noticed it the first year we were dating, it was nothing for his oldest or youngest son to come stay with him for months on end. We are talking 4-6 months a year. Sometimes all at once sometimes broken up. Also when they stayed it also became full on a dependent/parent relationship. These "boys" were 33and 40 back then. They would use everything available at DHs home. Literally from his toothpaste to his car to his bed one time when we went out of town an overnight date. Ewww right? I put a stop to that by refusing to stay over if THAT ever happened again.
Anyways, when discussing my son (21) much needed launch this year and DH repeatedly saying "I'm just used to being an empty nester and look forward to that" the first time he said it once I stopped laughing I said I never considered you an empty nester anyways with your kids in and out so much but now that you've brought that up, let's discuss a moratorium on guests for at least a year, now that we BOTH will in fact be empty nesters. He agreed, because he knew I was serious. We've been in our home over five years and if we make it to the end of 2023 without his youngest (now 39) coming to "stay" It' will be a first, yep somehow he's managed to come "visit" or live with us every year for at least 3 months or more for the last five years.
Oh and DH is struggling with sudden memory loss and literally the week my son moved out DHs brother was being offered the guest room and this week the subject of YSS parking his truck here long term came up. That was also on my boundary list, no parking here and by parking I mean parking, and not using their own vehicle. The reason for this being on my list of things to change is for whatever reason any time DHs kids, and mainly YSS have left a vehicle here it inevitably leads to a weird situation of DH becoming Uber or them borrowing and using and running DHs car out of gas, plus making my vehicle the main and only vehicle for us and I don't think that's fair or right. So here's to new boundaries and empty nesting.
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Congrats on the launch! and
Congrats on the launch! and the equal footing on the "no guest" boundary.. it IS much easier to insist when neither of you have adult kids at home..
Why does the kid need his truck there anyway? is he not able to park a truck at his apt complex or something? (some places limit work trucks I know).. given their boundary breaching in the past.. I think the hard line may be easiest to enforce vs having to explain small exceptions.
It is work related.
You're right, I've actually been looking forward to this aspect of my kid moving out. DH really has been good to us and it's hard to set that boundary around our space when really he's been pretty tolerant. It will also be nice to not have the jaw dropping moments of him going above and beyond for his kids in still "parenting" his over thirties kids while telling me I was coddling mine (who is high functioning autistic btw) and he needed to figure things out. An example is, We had a really interesting situation just last year over tires for vehicles. My son had never bought tires before and eventually found what he wanted at Costco, he asked me to meet him there and DH overheard parts of the conversation and somehow assumed I was paying for them. Got super annoyed and told me I needed to let him start figuring this stuff out. I said no, he just needs me to meet him there to run the membership card he's paying for them himself. The end. Not 6 months later I hear DH calling tire places and getting quotes for tires for a truck, then setting up an appointment to have tires put on. We don't have a truck. Two of his sons do. This led to a lively "discussion" to say the least. Oh and DH also paid for said tires. I'm hoping that my son now "being independent" gives me more of a leg to stand on in these moments.
Time to take your "launched" son shopping. When DH bitches about
it remind him that he set the precident of say, buying tires for his 30yo+ adult children.
Make sure to tell him that he isn't paying, you are. Just as he did for his failed kidults.
Eek
There has to be limits to this open door policy. At some point it just seems like he is enabling them. Fallen on hard times? Ok, stay for a few months. Then you're out. You can't pull that card again for at least 5 years. Every year well into his 30's? That's ridiculous. Congrats on the launch of your son though! I long for those days with Skids....
I think people in enmeshed families.
Get used to the status quo and it's not until an outsider says "well that's weird" that they even begin to question how they relate to others.
yeah...
NOPE.
Im in that awkward phase of "its the last year and visitation has been sporadic on our side".
SD17 Power sulk mentioned that she "will be with us Thursday", which I dont know how or what or why (her school is out so its easier to stay with us I guess...)
That open door thing doesnt fly, but I am keeping quiet for now.
I dont know how you kept quiet for so looooooooong!
It was gradual to see the pattern.
When DH and I were dating it was EOW I could stay over (bio-son was 14 at the time) and we had a midweek date. When we married and were planning to move into our together home we had discussed not having overnight visitors for a while to let us get settled, unpacked etc, then because I saw the rotating door of especially his oldest and youngest in and out for months at a time when we were dating I knew this was a potential thing so spoke often about it and DH agreed at the time, but then we realized we needed some projects done prior to fully unpacking and YSS would be perfect for that since at that time it was what he did as a side gig and dh would pay him instead. Well lo and behold DH arranges for YSS (paid to get here) to come a week and a half after we take possession. I didn't really mind at that time because the projects were holding us up on setting up the office and a couple other important things like dog doors etc. What I didn't foresee and actually lost track of was that YSS came, hung out, visited family, then.... started on projects about three weeks later. Before I knew it 5-6 months went by and he was still here. I spoke to DH about it. Asked if he was living with us and how DH foresaw the situation working out, DH had no idea, since .... open door policy, there was no discussion even about it between them prior or at any point of future living situation and was completely what they were used to. This put things on my radar, then it was YSS coming for Thanksgiving and staying...... until mid January. I pointed out to DH that people with real jobs, not freelance this or that, do not have that kind of freedom or luxury. After 2022 and another 5 months living situation I told DH enough already and have continued to reaffirm it, and now bio son moving helps me not just draw a line in the sand, but pour concrete in the line. Other than a real hardship, it needs to stop.
The "skid is being useful" loophole
yeah, I dont envision that happening since skids are so useless rn. And I dont hear from SD17 PowerSulk unless its to benefit her.
Yeah what’s interesting is.
YSS hasn't needed much from daddy for the last year so he's been pretty scarce even though he lives locally now. May it ever continue , as we all know some skids rotate whose turn it is for chaos so I'm remaining guarded and like I said, reminding DH that my stance has not changed, I told him we can revisit the guest policy every six months after the first year of not unexpectedly housing someone.