SS22 is going to be the end of me!
I swear this kid!
So he recently got his driver's license. He is allowed to drive to and from work (less than 2 miles from our house) and the store (even closer). Other than that he is supposed to get permission and I verify the location, time of day for traffic, ect. He is a TERRIBLE driver and gets overwhelmed very easily. I was really hoping DMV would fail him, but he took the class, took the test and passed it all. Whatever.
Anyway, yesterday he calls me from a dentist office. I didn't understand what was happening because we just had our cleanings less than a week ago. He found out he needs a crown and we had to find another dentist that takes medicaid. Anyway, that is already scheduled for March, so no idea what he was doing.
He said a filling fell out. I asked why he picked some random dentist? He just said he googled it because his tooth hurt. Ok, whatever, don't do that. Go home, we will call our regular dentist.
I get home from work and he meets me at the door. It wasn't a filling that fell out, "I don't know how it happened but my tooth cracked". Ooookkk... well, we have the medicaid dental appointment in like 6 weeks, we have to wait for that because dental care is really expensive and you don't have that kind of money, and I am not shelling out thousands because you don't brush your teeth.
An hour later he comes up to me, "I think I chipped my tooth when I fell today"... Oookkk... How did you fall, what happened? "I don't even know, I just tripped". Huh... that's weird. Well, dentist in 6 weeks.
An hour after that "So when I fell earlier, I had to grab the sink to break my fall"... Oookk.. Is everything else all right, did you hurt you arm or ribs or something. "Nope that's all fine"
An hour after that "So, when I fell earlier and grabbed the sink the suction cup part of the drain came apart, but I fixed it" -- <Jaw drop> there is NO SUCTION CUP to any drains! What are you talking about?? What sink? What is happening???
It took him 7 hours to come clean to me that he was doing his pacing around our house, tripped, fell into the 1/2 bath off the laundry room, grabbed the vanity (it the the furniture style), ripped it away from the wall and yanked the pipe. Caused flooding but cleaned up most of it and shoved the pipe back in- cross threading the f**k out of it.
This is going to be my life for 2 years without DH to come home and deal with it. Can I just start crying now??
The constant lying and deceiving! It drives me crazy!! Just own your shit! But he can't, he literally can't. So after all of that and all of the frustration and 2 hours spent fixing the sink- I have to hug him and tell him it's ok and that I still love him. Because BM2 was such a POS he still has PTSD from evil stepmother. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sometimes I just want to be able to be mad!
Before anyone says: Don't do it, tell your DH to send him somewhere, blah, blah, blah- that isn't how my marriage works. I am SS22's only other parent. His mom is out of the picture unless she pops up being manic and sending 200 texts in a night. DH's mom is retired and deserves to have her peace. I have made to commitment to SS to be there for him. Just sometimes I need to complain about it!
- justmakingthebest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Aw, Hon,
My nephew is a high-functioning autistic (Asperger’s). He's an only child and my sister is completely devoted to him; she hasn't been able to work since he started grade school, where he was bullied mercilessly. My sister has no life, apart from socializing her now 25-year-old son who will never be capable of independent living.
Reading your blogs over the years and noting your selfless commitment to your difficult SS (and at the risk of embarrassing you), has convinced me that heaven has a special place for you.
You are too sweet! I really
You are too sweet! I really do love him and see him as my child.
I am just so grateful that he is able of being semi-independent. I couldn't do what your sister does. She is the saint!
I was unclear!
Hon, you sort of missed my point. My nephew is my sister's child whereas your SS is NOT your child. Big 'ol difference.
What about???
What about planning some respite care for you and SS while your DH is away? Is there some kind of camp or club that he could attend linked to his interests for a long weekend (or longer) occassionally. Just knowing that you were going to get a break once in a while might make all the difference to your mental health (and maybe his).
He is supposed to be starting
He is supposed to be starting a full time job in May, it is through a disabilities program and I really hope it works out. That will keep him out of the house more and hopefully tire him out.
That's great
But is there anyone who would commit to taking him for the odd weekend? It would give you two days of down time every so often while you are the only adult in the house. Its like the old saw about oxygen masks. You need to look after your health, mental and otherwise, before you'll be able to properly look after everyone else. *give_rose*
My family is the only local
My family is the only local support we have and I know I can ask my dad to take him for the day but not really for a weekend. We will figure it out... Thankfully he keeps to himself a lot and I can always slip away to a hotel or something if I want a night of no interaction and my kids are at their dads.
My son's Uncle was high
My son's Uncle was high functioning Down Syndrome (if that's no longer the proper term, please excuse me I used what I knew him as) . Your SS reminds me a little of him. He worked, through a program in his state, and his routine was pretty much that ..routine. But occasionally he would veer into unknown territory and it would throw him off his pattern which made for chaos. But getting him to explain the bump in his routine was like pulling teeth and the real story came in chunks. I have no advice but I did want to tell you that you are an amazing woman and what you're doing matters so much.
YES! That is what it is!
YES! That is what it is!
If we stay on the schedule and path, there are very few bumps. If he does something out of character or off that patch chaos ensues! I think that is something we will talk about a lot while his dad is gone. Stay on the path so that mom doesn't have a mental break down! LOL
His ability to get into the
His ability to get into the car and go wherever whenever (even though he's not allowed to), especially since he's a terrible driver, makes poor choices and is easily overwhelmed, is kind of frightening. Have you implemented anything to prevent that, like keeping the keys so he can only use the car with your knowledge and permission?
DH and I were talking about
DH and I were talking about that last night. The problem is, he goes to work the same time as be but get's home at 11am. I don't get home until 4. I can't go home to get his keys on the day's he works.
He was given a warning and told that we will take his car if he does it again.
Cowbird
Must admit that what really infuriates this oldster is the ' brown-headed cowbird’ connection. You may recall that manipulator who lays her eggs in the nest of a victim bird doomed to raise the cowbird young at risk to their own offspring. Your SS’s BM is the human version of that exploitive bird.
Adding insult to injury, the BM cowbird dares to criticize the upbringing of the child that she abandoned. AAAARRRGGHH! Makes me spit with rage!
Oh yes. She is a real piece
Oh yes. She is a real piece of work.
Thankfully we haven't heard from her in almost a year now. I would rather she just jump off a cliff already.
What is sad is everything her SM has done. We allow that relationship and I reach out to his grandparents on that side from time to time to give updates.
Are you sure he doesn’t qualify for respite care?
I did this for a high functioning autistic young man (25) I came in three days a week, helped him cook, clean his room and learn life skills. All while his very dysfunctional mother was still in the home. Sometimes I felt she needed a caretaker more than he did. Once I moved on to a more normal position I saw how much it helped both mom and client to just give her a break. If it hadn't been for the mother in the first situation I would have stayed but she started messing with his medication and I could not stay out of concern about possible implications to me. (Yes I reported it) I've worked for large staffing companies and private clients that are self administering (the way to go imo if you can manage it) surely he qualifies if he qualifies for Medicaid.
I will ask his DARS counselor
I will ask his DARS counselor if she can help with some of that. He has been turned down twice for SS benefits. We need to hire an attorney and file, I just get overwhelmed with it all.
I know it is a lot. Lots of paperwork and refiling.
Consider this though. You and your DH are just going to continue to get older, what will happen to him, Heaven forbid if anything happens to you or your DH? Starting the ball rolling now can be a safety net for ss later down the road. I know it takes years. The job coming up is a good test of his resilience and ability. If he struggles with that then at least you've got a record to submit.
The risk of severe financial liability is significant.
There may be significant personal liability for any parent/adult who facilitates this type of individual driving if someone is hurt or killed or significant property damage occurs.
That someone representing that significant of a risk to public safety can get licensed to drive is alarming.
I am a T-1 diabetic. I was in a serious vehicle accident when I was in my early 20s. Long story somewhat short.... I was passing another car when a third car pulled out of of a Ranch entry road straight at me. I attempted to brake, hit the back bumper of the car I was passing and ended up hitting the culvert, fipping end over end twice and rolling 5 times.
I was StartFlight-ed to the level 1 trauma center. Sever concussion and some brusing and contusions but no major injuries. No one else was hurt.
DPS went after my license because of my disease. They were not successful. The BG tests at the scene and at the hospital did hot show either low BG nor high BG.
I will ask an attorney but:
I will ask an attorney but:
Other than the fact that he is on our insurance, which is common, he has no real legal ties to us. He even has a signed lease to live with us, so he is "just a Tennant".
It is great that you and he
It is great that you and he have done this due diligence to prepare him and to protect yourselves.
We have friends who have adopted 2 high risk boys. The eldest they had to disolve the adoption on due to his criminal issues with sexually molesting his peers. Had they not, they were at risk due to the liabilitities of his repeated behavior. Not a direct correlation ro your kid's situation though parents and responsible adults can have liability for the consequences of children and those under their guardianship.
I am not an attorney. My comments and concerns were from the perspective of having been a licensed insurance professional for nearly 20 years though i no longer hold that license.
I appreciate it! I really
I appreciate it! I really didn't think about the liability against us.
Of course you are allowed to be mad
Your emotion is completely valid. It's obvious that it really is his lying that gets you. You have been really good at jumping in and solve the problems whenever they appear. My SS 15 (almost 16) is the same way, nothing is ever his fault, he owns no fault. Didn't turn in homework? Teacher didn't tell him (yea right but the rest of the class know). Lost his work sheet? Obviously they just disappear in the black hole as a scientific issue, not his fault. Couldn't convey his thoughts? It's just us being too harsh and refused to understand him.
I don't know how to knock that into his head: If he never admits mistakes were made, there will never be a fix.
Sorry I really don't have any suggestions, because others already provides really good ones. Please feel free to vent when you need to!
I really appreciate that!
I really appreciate that!
Sometimes it helps to just vent it out.
We shipped ours off to Military School when he was 15.
That actually knocked some sense into his skull. Not entirely, but notably.